#dark humor Tumblr posts

  • Have you been possessed? Just listen to a televangelist!

    He’ll annoy the hell of you!

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  • Two blind men are walking down the street, on corse to crash into each other. They are about to collide when one of their guiding stick hit against the other.     “Billy?” The first blind man ask.                                                                            “Jeff is that you? Long time no see” Billy says chuckling.                                 Billy and Jeff talked for a bit about everything from their wives to pizza until it was time for them to leave, they said their goodbyes and promised to see each other soon. Billy walked out towards the road and was hit by a truck he didn’t see coming. Jeff went home and went to bed, unaware of the event that had just occurred. Jeff died in his sleep that night, and i do not know what happens after life, all i know is that Billy and Jeff did indeed see each other again.

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  • I cannot communicate using Morse code, however, I’m adept in disseminating the Morose code.

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  • Leaving my phone on aeroplane mode so that the subsequent guilt for not answering the calls doesn’t irk me.

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  • Will arriving to a Hannibal surrounded by dead bodies: What did you do!? I said distract them not take them out!

    Hannibal looking at Will with a deadpan face: ..there’s just no pleasing you sometimes.

    #incorrect quotes#hannibal #incorrect hannibal quotes #hannibal tv#hannibal lecter#will graham #hannibal the cannibal #hannigram #hannibal x will #incorrect hannibal#murder husbands #dark will graham #dark humor #hannibal doesn't know the difference between distraction and annihilation #source: merlin
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  • Don’t mind this it’s for @dontatmethanks @thegothicdryad @darling-bluemoon and @levi-rivialle-ackerman since Levi decided to make a school shooting joke and it reminded me of this Tik Tok


    #ooc#dark humor #i laughed at this
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  • image

    Just- I- yes. :/

    #nuffsaid#quarintine#my life#hehe #what’s wrong with me #dark humor#lysoleverything #how to disinfect
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  • A little boy I babysit (6 years old) recently had his parents go through a divorce (husband cheated, horrible stuff rlly) and I told him that he was officially funny now. Little dude started crying like jeez man 💀 you were just promoted to funny, now hurry up and tell me a joke about your trauma while it’s still fresh in your mind 💀💀💀

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  • Vladimir rubbed his eyes and stood up tiredly before he walked over to the closet. Finding a simple white button-up shirt and some slacks, he changed out of his pajamas. Then he made his way into the bathroom and glancing at his reflection. Blue eyes tiredly noted the strange hairstyle he was sporting and a hand fingered the now rough and stray hair laden braids, he began untying them.

    It took quite a while to unwind the tangles and he attempted to phase the black hair tie out of his hair only to feel a pull of resistance against his abilities. ‘That’s right…Walker gave my Ophelia Blossom.’ Pushing against the wall like energy restricting his abilities Vladimir managed to phase the tie out. Then he leaned against the counter and stared at his bed-headed reflection. A hand-rubbed his cheek tiredly only for him to groan at the bristles. ‘ And now I need to shave.’

    Brushing the tangles out of his hair, he piled all of his hair up into a loose ponytail. Vlad sighed at his weary image as he combed back his bangs and gelled them in place. Despite the unusual amount of sleep the last two days his body was still adamantly craving more rest. Reaching into the medicine cabinet he grabbed his straight razor, his cream brush, the wooden bowl, and the shaving soap. Making a lather, he began the task of applying it to his face.

    The ice-cold suds helped him wake up substantially. Grasping the thin silver knife, he gently propped the blade at a thirty-degree angle against his cheek and tediously began trimming the unwanted growth away. After reaching to his face and cleaning off the equipment, he numbly reached for a towel and dried himself off.
    He amusedly snorted as he looked at the glass. ‘ You’re a mess.’

    Vlad then went to turn only to feel eyes at the side of his head, watching him intently.

    Growling threateningly, he addressed the invisible figure. “ Whoever is hiding, I invite you to reveal yourself.”

    No one answered or appeared at his voice and Vlad continued. “ Let’s rephrase. Come out now and I won’t have to beat you within an inch if your afterlife…”

    A voice snorted. “ Not much of a morning person are you Vlad?”

    Vlad’s shoulders relaxed slightly and his eyes became tired. “ Daniel?”

    Daniel’s almost blue-green eyes flickered into view by the tub. The teenager sat down and twirled a glass of water and a couple of pills in his gloved hands. “ Yep, your resident dogooder and pill dispenser.”

    Vlad rolled his eyes, “ I could do without the sarcasm, dear boy.”

    Daniel smiled warmly and Vlad tensed awkwardly.

    Daniel, in an attempt to quell the animosity he had tossed toward Vlad yesterday, complemented, “So you shave with a straight razor, huh? Where did you learn that?”

    Vlad shrugged. “ In high school… I never liked the disposable razors and I was sick of getting a partial shave.”

    Vlad smiled in memory of the person who introduced him to his blade. “Believe it or not, a woman taught me how to use it.”

    Daniel gaped, “ A chic taught you how to use a straight razor?” Daniel’s jaw went slack. Swallowing, he questioned, “How?”

    Vlad laughed, “ How else? By sitting me down and shoving the blade in my hands. She couldn’t very well use herself as an example. The woman didn’t have a hair on her that required such a tome.”

    Daniel snorted. “ How did that fair for you?”

    Vlad chuckled, “ I epically butchered myself under my chin and she yanked the blade out of my hands.”

    Daniel raised an eyebrow. “Is that why you allow the facial hair to be thicker there?”

    Vlad paused and looked at himself in the mirror. “ Actually? I keep my hair like this because a friend recommended it. The scar I got from my razor blade fiasco healed before I graduated. I no longer have it.”

    Vlad smiled slightly. “The razor I use was her father’s. From what I understand it was passed down for generations from father to son until she was born.”

    Vlad yawned and looked to Daniel as he questioned. “ How about we go out for breakfast this morning?”

    Daniel’s features grew confused. “Why?”

    Vlad tiredly rubbed the back of his neck, “ I honestly don’t trust myself right now next to a stove and you’re no better.”

    Phantom’s green eyes flashed slightly and then he rolled his eyes. “ To bad Sam and Tuck won’t be seeing us till this evening. They probably could have helped us make pancakes or something.”

    Vlad sighed. “ I am never living the pancake thing down am I?”

    Daniel grinned and motioned toward the glass and the pills he was holding, “ Just take some of this aspirin already? You look like shit.”

    Vlad froze and turned to Daniel, “Language, young man…Language.”

    Daniel snickered, “ Does the great Plasmius hate french?”

    Vlad snorted, “ Ce n'était pas français.”

    Daniel’s eyes went as wide as saucers. “ Did you just speak actual french?”

    Vladimir grinned devilishly and took the glass an the pills from the startled teen. Walking toward the door, he quickly tossed the pills in his mouth and swallowed them down with a swig of the water. Before he was out of the bathroom, he playfully questioned, “ Une pilule difficile à avaler petit blaireau?”

    Daniel groaned and chased after him. Vlad rolled his eyes. “ Little badger? Staying in Phantom form constantly just because you can won’t do your body any favors in the long run.”

    Daniel rolled his eyes and questioned, “ Why?”

    Vlad rounded the stairs with his house guest and froze abruptly. “ Daniel? Go get your hoodie.”

    Daniel raised an eyebrow, “ Why? It’s not like it’s-”

    Vlad smugly motioned toward the ceiling just as a clap of thunder emanated.

    Mouth agape, the teenager prodded, “ Can you predict the future? That’s a ghost power right?”

    Vlad smiled and shook his head no. “ I just could smell the rain coming… That, and sudden storms like the ones we’ve been having change barometric pressure. After you get enough broken bones the spots that are fractured begin to ache when the weather changes.”

    Daniel quickly shut his mouth and flew into the guest room he had been occupying for the last two nights. A few seconds later, Daniel Fenton layered in an overly large hoodie and hole-ridden jeans rushed toward the landing. Seeing Daniel’s foot connecting to the edge of the staircase incorrectly, Vlad quickly latched onto his shoulders to prevent him from tumbling down the landing. Eyes locked on Daniel’s now blue and Vlad smirked almost smugly. “ I see why you prefer Phantom…you’re rather clumsy still, aren’t you?”

    Then the adult released him and continued walking. Glancing nack over his shoulder at the furiously red teen, he added seriously, “ The reason you stumble into things and have problems finding your footing is that Phantom’s power was used for too long. Your other side is poking its way through your human form and turning things partially intangible when you’re not paying attention to keep up the power flow’s momentum.”

    Daniel’s blue eyes widened. Vlad softly smiled slightly, “ You need to learn how to subtly release energy and how to adjust in human form.”

    Turning from Daniel, Vladimir stepped into the hall and began walking toward the door. Stopping in the intersection between the entryway and the main hall, he made a detour and turned toward his office. A hand grabbed a trench coat and two umbrellas. He tossed Daniel one of the parasols and Daniel smirked. “ Fruit-Loop? Can’t we just create a shield overhead or something?”

    Vlad snorted. “ I think you’re becoming too reliant on your abilities Daniel. It helps to be humble on occasion you know.”

    Vlad gently tried pulling the coat over his shoulder only to wince in pain and start falling forward. Dropping the umbrella he was holding, Daniel quickly latched onto the adult to keep him upright. Vlad sighed and chuckled. “ Thanks for the save….” Wincing and numbly holding his chest, Vladimir straightened himself.

    Averting his gaze from Daniel, he gently removed his hand and turned toward the door.

    Daniel worriedly questioned, “ Are you sure it’s a good idea for you to go out in this weather? I can always fly over to a restaurant and bring back something…”

    Vlad shrugged. “ I think the walk would do me some good.”

    Daniel stiffened. “ You do realize we are a good forty-minute walk from town and another twenty minutes from any restaurants right?”

    Vlad looked back at the teenager with an unspoken challenge. Daniel rolled his eyes and snatched his discarded umbrella before following in pursuit of the gray-headed adult.

    Vlad opened the front door tiredly and motioned Daniel out with a curt nod.

    Popping open their umbrellas in unison they began walking down the drive. Daniel in a bid for conversation questioned, “ So….broken bones…erm- I have had a broken arm and my leg got twisted a while back. What about you?”

    Vlad paused and turned to Daniel with a tired expression. “ Daniel? Let’s put this under one of those really painful topics I would rather not explore with you until a later date?”

    Daniel sighed. “ That’s not fair Fruit-Loop. I’m just curious is all… I know you’re pretty scarred and you were talking about the weather affecting your bones…”

    Vlad answered. “ I’ve broken the majority of my bones more times than it’s possible to recap. Mostly my ribs. Can we leave it at that?”

    Daniel nodded and changed gears. “ Sooooo….where are we walking to?”

    Vlad grinned mischievously, “ The Nasty Burger.. Where else?”

    Daniel gawked, “ You’re kidding right?”

    Vlad rolled his eyes. “ What? Do you have a different preference?”

    Daniel went ashen, “ Vlad? You do realize the majority of the teenage population in this town hates your guts right?”

    Vlad paused and tiredly rubbed the bridge of his nose. “ Ah…yes… our little prank war.”

    Pondering his options for a moment, Vlad cocked an eyebrow and smirked. “I should have just enough energy to avoid anyone recognizing me.”

    Daniel opened his mouth to protest and Vlad sighed. “ Fine. Are you good with donuts?”

    Daniel grinned. “ Yes…I am good with donuts. You know a place?”

    A loud, amused chuckle crept from the adult. “ Of course I do. I can’t cook, remember? My best bet is to scope out all the restaurants in an area.”

    Daniel snickered, “ You’re what? Forty-seven? Don’t you think cooking would be something you’d prioritize? It’s kind of basic Fruit-Loop.”

    Vlad snorted, “ So says the Pop-tart murder. Tell me, Daniel? How did you so poetically catch the toaster and the box on fire?”

    Daniel stiffened and turned beet red. “ How did you-?”

    Vlad rolled his eyes. “ Jazmine told me a while back.”

    Daniel grumbled angrily for a few minutes while they walked. Vlad paused abruptly and Daniel ran into his back.

    “ What gives Fr-?!”

    Vlad immediately dropped his umbrella and clasped a hand to Daniel’s mouth. In a low whisper, Vlad worriedly instructed. “ Daniel? Be quiet. We’re not alone.”

    Daniel stiffened. A few seconds later his ghost sense went off from behind Vlad’s fingers and Vlad hissed in discomfort from the scalding cold. Keeping his grip, he kicked up the umbrella and flung it to their left. The parasol was ripped to shreds in midair. Fine wisps of ebony fabric and metal scraps clacked to the ground.

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    From the EIDOLON COMPLEX

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  • #(Ask Roman) #(Roman - Verse 3) #dark humor#Gotham au #Look I have so many dark or adult jokes on file for my other muses and he just seems like the type
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  • I was sitting doing nothing and I choked, is god tryna tell me smth ?

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