For you i will stay in this god forsaken place,
I wish to leave this world behind,
But the love i have for you is greater then my will to die.
At the start of the day on a plain 5th grader’s Wednesday, I look at the large golden frame mirror right by my door and I can’t leave as my shoes are glued to the ground and my eyes petrified by seeing my reflection of a ghost that isn’t me.
I’m not happy, beautiful or… I wish to be something else, more like the other girls & walking out the door freely, feminine with no judgement, oddity & loved as the same as others.
This growing desire that pangs my heart, messes with my mind, just waiting for my body to evolve into the sunflower I always knew inside that my surroundings couldn’t recognize. With a glum face, and defeated presence forced to go to a shity religious school environment and a world that doesn’t embrace who I am naturally, pressed for time & lateness for defying expectations for a moment, I shake up my dark spirit, straighten my zombie spine, collect the remaining lighted soul to face my day, & with one slammed swung door, I leave my home that allows me to be whole.
—Fast forward 15 years… My morning are different, but the memory is the same. The mirror of vanity & self deprecation calling my name to look into the beast of her eyes… It’s odd I need to remind myself who I am everyday, by checking in with her to see if I’m still here. My body is magically evolving into the divine feminine spirit I always wished. Was it g-d answering my tween calls despite religion & their communities getting me burnt on the pitchfork multiple times for their spiritual enjoyment? Was it all me, giving myself after 20 odd years trapped in a body I didn’t choose to align my mind/soul with its proper container?
Regardless, I see them reflecting back at me with a sparkle in their forest brown eyes, a radiant olive skin tone fit for the gods, blessed by her 2000 year Mizrachi Yemeni heritage infused with their Ashkenazi Belorussian lineage who defied Nazis time & time again, like the SS police thought blocking any chance for a positive self image. They/She are still in limbo, feeling incomplete with their exterior. Is it a change of the mind or the sculpting of the skull that will give them what she desires? She may not be gorgeous, but after an arduous journey the lesson learned is they’re beautiful, no matter who or what mirror spews otherwise. <3 Thyself!
Who turned out the lights? Zelda Spirit Tracks continues through the Spirit Tower one last time, and to say I’m fumbling through the dark would be an understatement.
Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself. By Antoine de Saint-Exupery
• 05/12/2019 •