I’ve started thinking about being a femme lesbian.
I started wishing that gay people could simply tell who’s gay, like having a definite sense instead of relying on how one presents themselves, because no one realizes I’m a lesbian unless I tell them. Even when I wear lesbian accessories, such as necklaces or the lesbian flag, no one seems to pay them any mind.
Bars and clubs make me uncomfortable. They also aren’t ideal places for those of us who are seeking a serious relationship, so we’re left with either meet-ups or online dating. The meet-ups where I live are:
1) for mostly white lesbians (I do not have a racial preference, but a lot of people prefer to date within their own race)
2) for much older lesbians (I’m talking 50+)
3) for already coupled lesbians
4) are not specifically for lesbians (and in my experience there tends to be plenty of gay men and few lesbians or even bi women)
With what’s been going on in the world, I can no longer attempt to attend meet-ups, so now my last resort is online dating, which is awful.
The ghosting, the liars, the lazy, the immaturity, the passivity, the superficiality… it’s a nightmare to search through. With so many options, one would hope to find someone compatible eventually, but it’s mostly the same old.
So, I’m taking a break from dating, i.e. I’m no longer actively looking, which can be a risky option since most of the time no one of the same-sex wil ever approach you, especially if you’re invisible/don’t look gay. But dating is upsetting and can be borderline traumatic for us. Therefore, you don’t want to overdo it. You really don’t.
You don’t want to feel as though you’re undesirable, unwanted, or unworthy of love, which is what online dating can do to people. There’s nothing wrong with us. We’re simply different, and the more differences you have, the harder it is to find what you want. That’s simply a fact.
This is why I’ll be taking it easy and continuing to do the things I love. It hurts to be alone. It hurts so, so much. I’m voluntary celibate, but I feel involuntary romantically celbate. However, I also recognize that I’m unlike most people. I’m unique, though not necessarily special.
I believe it is possible for one to manifest what they want in life. Ergo, I still have hope that I will find the woman for me eventually, and I will love and cherish her deeply.