Hello, I’m Kiwi.
I am reaching out to just talk about the hardships that I have been through since childhood and still struggle with today as a young women. Maybe I can start a conversation and perhaps find some other people that struggle with toxic relationships with their mom’s. I am not looking for sympathy I just need somewhere to vent and get out all the emotions that I have been bottling for so long and that has become a huge sadness in my heart.
Today, I got a text message I thought I would never receive from anyone… let alone my mother.
“Your delusional. I am done with you.”
I suppose you lovely people need more context, I love my mom, and I wouldn’t give her up for any other mother. My mom has never been stable, never could hold down a job, and struggled with everyday mom tasks. Most of my childhood memories of my mom was of her sleeping constantly during the day, and being more of a night owl. I would remember being so afraid to wake my mom before noon because I was hungry and just wanted to eat something for breakfast. Before you ask if she was having mental issues? Yes she was and still is struggling with a chemical imbalance and is at constant war with her depression. My mom constantly moved us throughout my hometown so I never had a stable place to grow up, and she had a revolving door of some good boyfriends and A LOT of abusive ones. So needless to say my mom has never really been a mom, in the sense of taking care of her child and putting her child first. Yet, I still love my mom, so the bolded words above still cut deep reopening all the childhood trauma that never really healed.
Looking back at my thoughts I had as a child and the questions that still haunt me now…
Why wasn’t I enough for her?
Why does she yell at me, when I just want to spend time with her?
Why does she keep destroying what little relationship we have?
Still to this day, all I want is my mom to love me unconditionally, sadly I don’t think this will ever happen. What breaks my heart the most is my little sister, is now reliving my childhood I do what I can to fill the void for my little sister, in reality all she wants is her mom. This pain I feel right now, as I type through the tears streaming down my face, I wonder will my mother ever know the pain she is inflicting on the ones that love her most… her children.
If you got through this whole thing, thanks for reading, I think this will be a good outlet for me even if no one is reading it.