Don't kill yourself, please.
If you’re suffering from depression and are looking for a sign to not go through with ending your life, this is it. This is the sign. We care.
Don't kill yourself, please.
If you’re suffering from depression and are looking for a sign to not go through with ending your life, this is it. This is the sign. We care.
I finally got a prototype drop :'D
This is the first time I got one in Asia. The last drop I had was on my US and it was for a tome. That was 6 months ago.
Sometimes I wish people check up on me, instead of me going around *knocking* virtually on their chatroom to notify that I need some comfort and help but well… that’s wishful thinking and we all here to leave one day anyway aight?
Do you ever get those days were it feels like all its going to do is rain, and I’m not talking about physical rain, I’m talking about the metaphorical rain. The days when nothing is ok, nothing goes right, nothing seems right. The days were it literally feels like there is a cloud hanging over your head. And sometimes these days can last a week or a month, or what seems like a lifetime. Do you ever find yourself feeling…
b) Down for no reason
c) Unmotivated even to do the things you normally enjoy
d) Drained from everything
e) Negative about the world
f) Fed-up with yourself, your life, this feeling
g) All of the above?
Its ok. I’m not diagnosing you with depression or something, I’m more sharing facts and experiences. I’m here to say you aren’t alone, and that its ok to not be ok.
To suffer with depression, or extreme sadness, or grief, or just to go through bad days, none of it is easy. I’m not suggesting here that I have either been diagnosed, but its more the fact I’m aware of myself, my mental health, my state of mind and just well me. I’ve suffered a very large form of grief in my teen years and it’s fair to say it has changed me. That’s ok, its normal. I can sit here and see now and understand me, asses so to speak and reflect. This topic is so important to me because of how much it is a part of my life and who I am really.
Depression. It’s a big word and although I may not have all the facts, I think most of you will get what I’m talking about even if it’s not from the most medical point of view.
You see depression isn’t a temporary thing, it stays around far longer than say a period of sadness. Don’t get me wrong not every day is a bad one, I would kind of describe it as coming and going like waves. Sadly, it can be quite inescapable. There doesn’t necessarily need to be a trigger for it to ‘happen’ either, you can simply wake up and not be ok again, and it can last from a day to however long. I find it then fizzles away again like clouds clearing from the sky and you get those times when its clear all day, every day, but other days it can be misty, and others clear with a little cloud, like a little niggle in the back of your mind, yet you can sort of ignore it. Then there’s the clouded, rainy days and you can’t ignore it. You see, however you feel, whenever you feel it is ok. It is different for everyone but I’m hoping my cloud metaphor helps.
With depression you can’t just “cheer up” and move on. It comes and goes but throughout your time of living with it, struggling and battling it, hopefully it comes less and less. There’s no time frame to getting rid of depression, it is something you live with. You can become more aware of it and yourself and grow overtime and find more happiness throughout your life, so it feels as though it barely rains and that is wonderful. But it’s not simple and easy and to understand you’re not alone is extremely important. To desire change, to act on it, to reflect on yourself and be determined to see growth away from those dark places is so special and takes courage and strength. Some days we don’t have that strength, but it’s about finding it again and to keep going.
You may have some exciting news but not even feel remotely happy about it. It happens. You may have a negative world view, aka seeing no point in it all, being fed-up with your life, your family, friends, relationships. You may sleep more to avoid feeling it. Or sleep less to distract yourself. You may rely on social interaction to feel loved and surrounded, busy and happy and with a lack of it you feel deflated, lost and down. It happens. You may end up shutting-off from people and not telling them how you really feel so you don’t burden them with it. You may seek comfort in the silence, the loneliness and cut-off communication. Whatever it may be, it happens. Its symptoms of depression, its signs you aren’t doing ok, and that’s alright because you aren’t the only one. Its alright because you will get through it. And although it may come around again, you’ll be stronger and even when you don’t feel it, you are. You have strength in you and no matter how dark those cloudy days become, you find the light, even if it’s a fragment. You see its all about hope, strength, perseverance, knowledge, reflection and understanding. If you can sit here now and recognise parts within you, parts about you. If you can reflect and understand, you’re a step closer to seeing less rain. But what I need you to know is, its ok if it still rains. Your journey, your life will be filled with sunshine, and with rain. There’s always going to be bad days, but what we all want, what we all need is just a few less of them. You aren’t messed up or weird or too sad for this world, you are you and you are fighting your own battles that no one can ever fully understand.
You may have noticed a lack of my presence recently, I haven’t posted much, this is my first blog post in a very long time and well its not to say I’ve not had good days, I’ve in fact had some of the most wonderful days recently and have wanted to be present in each of those moments. But underneath I’ve still struggled. I stopped doing this, I stopped a lot of my hobbies. I stopped the little but also big things I enjoyed. I had no motivation for it, and I ignored how I was feeling deep down. I may have gotten on with most of my days happy and well, but there were some clouds looming that I didn’t address. I took time to reflect and see, I then forced myself so to speak to do something, write something, plan something and I could see even more clearly how important this post would be. Recently I’ve been affected by my mental health and that’s ok. I didn’t want to write or post or do any of it. But I remembered the joy it gave me, the pride, the community. We fall in and out of habits all of the time, but to forget something you love is a big thing, yet not uncommon. To then have the ability to recognise it, no matter how long it takes, and to act on it, to make that change. Now that, that is spectacular. And you know what, if it happens again, its ok! Because let me tell you this, I see strength in you, I see knowledge and power, I see perseverance and pure understanding of who you are and what you are capable of. The waves can feel continuous and big or small, but those waves can come to a soft and steady fall. Who you are, your mental health, and your personality is you and irreplaceable. It is beautiful and unique, and one thing for sure is that it is loved.
It’s okay if you aren’t ok. I’m here. Others are here. But most importantly you are here, and with each day you are conquering the world.
> -- You want everything, from people who are not yours
You want to matter, but not for that which you've taken away
Clinging to some shread of hope.
You despartly want to exist, you despartly want to cease
There is no in-between. There never is. You are, or you are not.
It mounts in your chest
And you vomit, the moment you land in the ablutionblock. Palms on the floor, feet crossed under you. Shifting, you ease away from the mess, and merely loser your head to the ground
Before succumbing, and rolling over to lie down on the tile. It's cold. It feels good, at least.
You'll get up, and clean that soon. You haven't eaten today. There isn't much to clean.
You wake up an hour later. Sweating, exhausted. You clean. You shower, fully clothed. Change, then go to bed.
I will forever be bitter, that I'm one of those people, who are biologically never healed by crying, in fact it makes things worse because crying gives me either congestion or headaches afterwards, and often both 😣
I fell so terribly selfish. I've been entering a loop of being distant towards my own friends for no proper reason. I only use Do Not Disturb mode when I draw but I never mean for it to mean I miss out on whole conversations. There has to be a correlation to this, the feeling keeps on returning with some sort of pattern unidentifiable by even myself. This spiral lasted days at a time pre-graduation. Due to my memory I cannot even remember what I was thinking about during that time. I know for certain I almost applied to a place out of feeling so unaccomplished so far in the summer
My thoughts... have luckily settled down some since I was younger. However, they often tell me to doubt my friends whenever they begin to vent. This doesn't place a strain on my idea of them, as I have gotten better at diminishing the thoughts themselves but it still hurts to have them around. I always do believe my friends when they vent, but combined with my inability to properly comfort someone and my thoughts telling me to don't believe them or roll my eyes at them is naueseating
It's gotten to the point where being in my own human body is frustrating
My Cousin (bc I dont have friends): When you not eating you can die!
My depressiv ass: Thats the plan!
I am on Quetiapine Venlafaxine and others... I feel so zombie like but different to my zombie like feeling when I am depressed.
I still want to cut but I threw out my blades but now I want to buy more and a stash of pain killers..
𝓘 𝓱𝓪𝓽𝓮 𝓶𝔂𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯
My shrink just told me she hates stand-up comedy because it's just mentally ill people joking about their mental illness and she gets enough of that at work I am hysterical
Because you can't get things going... if things always stay the same...
cw: perfectionism, obsessiveness, allusion to eating disorders, depression, anxiety (very non-explicit) I’m going to be writing a series of posts from some asks I’ve had waiting for me, on how to build a cohesive language learning routine, but I wanted to preface that first with something we talk about less than we should in the language learning community: obsessiveness, perfectionism, recovery from mental health, and how to approach language learning in a better way. If the personal stuff bores you, feel free to skip the first two paragraphs.
I have been trying to ‘be more productive’ - in healthy ways, and unhealthy ways - since I was about ten. If you don’t fit in, for whatever reason, hobbies - and especially creative or ‘productive’ ones - are a wonderful escape. They make you feel that it’s ok not to have friends; they let you look down on all those other stupid children with all the misplaced arrogance of every single bored, clever pre-teen. When I was twelve, I realised there was no point eating with people that didn’t like me and went to the library instead, because that was ‘dead time’. When I was fourteen, I realised getting the bus was ‘dead time’, and started doing Anki for two hours a day. When I was sixteen, I realised walking was ‘dead time’, and started either listening to podcasts or talking out loud. By the time I was eighteen, I was doing four A-levels in school, an EPQ, teaching myself an extra Latin GCSE, and taught myself the Spanish A-level in 3 months right before the exam. I also worked out for two hours a day - because eating lunch was ‘dead time’, and sleeping was ‘dead time’ - trained martial arts four evenings a week, tutored twice a week, had a part-time job as a waitress, played the flute in a prestigious orchestra, and was 150,000 words deep in the first draft of a very gay, Norse-mythology inspired fantasy novel.
I had it all under control. My marks were excellent; I was a well-rounded person, musical and sporty and already decently on the way to becoming a polyglot, I was training to be a teacher, and I had plans to publish my novel. My home life was painful, but I was painfully independent with what I now like to call the ‘Elsa complex’. Or, actually, like Zuko: I could look after myself, by myself. It was all under control.
I guess everyone can see where this is going. School ended, and with it came endless, open days. I fell apart.
With endless surprise, I can now say that, four years later, I think I’ve come through the worst of it. I still have tendencies to get obsessive, but my anxiety and perfectionism are a lot better, I don’t dissociate, and I have - gasp! shock! - actual interest in life again. I never wrote that novel, but I’m still gay and still love Norse mythology, so I’m slowly finding my way towards writing again. What people don’t tell you about getting better, though, is that trying to define yourself, trying to find yourself, as a person who exists without mental illness, is very, very hard. Many of the things that you used to identify as core components of your personality or important values may have changed, and you may be hesitant about trying to take up hobbies that you used to enjoy because you recognise - and rightly so - that the incessant drive to be doing something, all the time, didn’t necessarily come from anywhere healthy. That those things which you clung to and which protected you may actually have ended up harming you in the end. A lot of figuring out old patterns of unhelpful thoughts involves realising that the things that you defended or framed as helping - weren’t. That’s a hard thought, especially because those mechanisms developed to try and protect you, one that’s immeasurably sad.
Seperating your reasons for doing something obsessively and your love of it in the first place, before it became unhealthy, is difficult. And it means that when you feel - finally, finally - ready to start tackling something like language learning again, you end up sorting of approaching it sideways, shiftily, as if you’re hoping to trick yourself into it. It’s a delicate thing, like a baby bird, and it’s dangerous too, because if you do everything which you did before - the only thing you know how to do - it’s not going to work. And every time it fails is personal, because being able to do it again represents getting better, and reclaiming parts of your identity mental illness stole, and it hurts.
I’m writing this post because somebody asked me about my approach to creating a successful language learning routine. And I do have a lot of thoughts - but I wanted to preface that post with this one, to say:
If you are reading this to be more productive, if it is becoming obsessive, if you want to fit the most possible language learning into the tightest schedule possible, STOP. Take care of yourself. These tips for ‘productivity’ are for people who want to learn a little bit more about organising their time, and are in the right space to add more learning to their life. If you are only defined by what many hours you get done a day, if that’s what motivates you, these tips are not for you. Look after yourself.
And on that note, here’s a confession: I don’t have - have never had - a successful language learning routine. Because of what happened, the only way I can keep going and prevent myself from falling into bad habits is if I approach it sideways, if I pretend I’m not taking it seriously, because I know if I don’t things will go wrong. But I want to be honest and upfront because I know a lot of people read my posts for advice and say that this doesn’t work for me. It might not work for you either. I especially know there are a lot of conceptions of successful langblrs with 7, 8, 9 etc languages in the title - that that we spend 5 hours a day on Anki, fall asleep to Glossika, and so on. And it’s especially important to mention now, because I feel like my language learning habits have only started being healthy in the last year or so - essentially since I started actually enjoying Chinese media. I could teach you how to cram every spare second with language learning, or how to successfully pass an A-level in 3 months with no teachers. I was good (and arrogant, and cocky, and needed bringing down a peg or two). But I won’t.
What I do have are succesful language learning habits. Apart from being a generally more flexible appraoch for all learners, the advantage of building successful habits over a fixed routine is that it allows for learning according to different in energy levels, how busy you are, what you find difficult and what else is going on in your life. Most crucially for me is that it is always a much healthier approach, because what I do is not based on number of hours, or number of units a week, or anything quantifiable that allows me to get obsessive again or frustrated that I’m not doing enough.
Routine is important, especially when it comes to routinising daily tasks. The only thing I have is that sometimes - on good weeks, and once or twice even shockingly on good months - I have a decent Anki streak going. That’s it. I don’t listen every day - I don’t read every day - I certainly don’t do grammar every day. There’s nothing specific I do every day, though I usually rack up a good few hours of immersion or study - to be honest, I fail at Anki probably at least 60% of the time. Everything else - all these tips I have written about - I do as and when. Framing it in such vague terms makes it sound like I must have an extraordinary amount of motivation to keep going, that maybe I’m just lucky to be interested etc, but that’s really not the case. What I have done to keep learning regularly and somewhat successfully (I hope!!) without limiting myself to a routine which I know I will starting obsessing over is tying specific language learning behaviour to certain moods or levels of concentration.
All routine is just habit. Habit, with a ribbon and packaged nicely. But allowing yourself to adapt your learning to the circumstances gives you more flexibility than any strict routine, and is more sustainable in the long term. What building habits rather than a specific routine does is allow you to learn what works best when, what works when you’re tired, and what is best to do when you have energy, or when you want to watch a show, or talk to people. It puts you at the centre of your language learning, rather than framing language learning as a central part of you.
So how can we build healthy habits? How can we utilise ‘dead time’ whilst keeping it light, and fun? How can we adapt our language learning for times when we are tired, and stressed? Or what about when we don’t have time to give 100% of our attention or concentration? How can we identify our own strengths, our own weaknesses, and unite these with our personal goals to figure out what to prioritise in active studying, and what to do when we don’t have the energy for that?
I’ll give my thoughts on all of these over the next couple of weeks, in what I hope will be a comprehensive overview of how best to practice, addressing everything from how to practice speaking to how to start as a complete beginner. If you have any thoughts or interim questions, or if you’d like to add your own experience to anything I have said, please feel free to!
In the mean time -
has anyone written a post 15x18 djinn dream fic where cas comes back to life in the dream and dean lets himself die in it because he doesn't want to face reality
if anyone is wondering what it's like to be a therapist's kid, please refer to the fact that I own like 6 different clinical depression workbooks bc my ma likes to use me as a guinea pig before she recommends them to people.
I love my community and if you need anything, i wanna do as much as i can to help you. Lmk
ohhhh you poor noodle