Day 21: Missing him was dark gray, all alone
Day 21: Missing him was dark gray, all alone
When Cas is taken by the Empty, Dean has... quite a few thoughts. And Jack is on board.
Rating: M || Word Count: 1454 || I don’t think this needs a character death warning, we all know what happens in Canon || That being said there is suicide ideation
Read on AO3
Dean watched with tear filled eyes as the mysterious black goo disappeared into the wall just as suddenly as it had come. Well, part of the mystery was gone. It had come to take Cas. Because apparently telling Dean how he really felt was his true happiness.
Dean would huff a sarcastic laugh if he had the energy. It’s not in the having. Cas had said. Bullshit. Having Cas was everything to Dean. And now he wouldn’t have Cas in any capacity. Dean had always been more into the whole ‘actions speak louder than words.' Because sure, Cas saying it had gotten some weird ass reaction, but it didn’t account for Dean’s feelings.
Distantly, he hears his phone go off. He absently pulls it out. Sam his phone lights up with his brothers name. But Dean didn’t have anything to say. Not even to Sam. Truth be told, he just wanted to crawl through the wall and follow Cas to wherever he was.
Because Dean had been here before. Honestly, too many times. And each time it happened, he got worse than the last. This time was going to be no different. Accentuated by the idea that Cas was really gone this time. Dean had thought that before, but each time, Cas had made his way back to Dean. But it seemed even more unlikely now. This death was caused by a deal. A deal with a powerful entity that Dean couldn’t even fathom. It would have to be powerful to swallow up Death as well.
Dean couldn’t think about the specifics right now. Angels, Death, black goo, it was all too much to conceive right now.
He thought about Cas instead. And how he hadn’t gotten a chance to say… goodbye… something back… hell, anything. Cas had poured his entire heart out, told him things Dean didn’t think were possible. Dean hadn’t known what to say. How did you follow that? It was like saying your vows and your partner just… flat out outdoing you. Except Cas wasn’t his partner—not in that sense—and they hadn’t been getting married. Instead, he’d been rooted to the spot as Cas poured out the words that would guarantee his death, to save Dean.
Dean had lived a long time thinking and believing Cas wasn’t capable of the emotions he expressed tonight. That there was no way Cas could truly feel human emotions. Sure, Cas cared about Sam and Dean, probably even understood the depth of love family has each other and even felt strongly enough to have some semblance of it. But to not only feel a protective nature, but to actually feel love. For Dean specifically. His mind was still whirling with the implication. Cas had loved Dean so much it had been his trigger, regarding his true happiness.
Aside from all that, the worst part was that Cas didn’t know how Dean felt. It’s in just saying it. Not for Dean. It was in the having for Dean. Being able to have a tangible hold on the things and people he loved. It made it possible for Dean to show his love.
He and Sam never sat around the campfire telling each other they loved one another, but they knew. Because of past actions, current actions, little things like Dean picking up those nasty ass green things at the store or Sam eating Dean’s cooking even when it doesn’t go as planned.
But Dean had been chickenshit for years when it came to Cas. He couldn’t even admit to himself what Cas truly meant to him. It wasn’t a brotherly bond like he and Sam had, and it sure as shit had grown—blown—past best friends.
Dean wasn’t sure what all Cas’ want encompassed, but Dean wanted it all. Anything and everything Cas wanted, Dean would give it. Cas could have it all. He can’t help but think too little, too late though.
Cas was gone. Getting him back seemed downright impossible. Was there even a way to break a deal with an an ancient cosmic entity? Dean knew exactly jackshit about it. Jack. God, what was he gonna tell the kid? He considered Jack his own, despite their complicated history, but Jack was undoubtedly Cas’ kid. Cas and Jack had a good relationship, unlike Dean’s own relationship with his father. Dean had no idea how he was going to face the kid.
This isn’t fucking fair, Cas! He thinks it directly to Cas. But what did it do? Could Cas even hear him? Wherever he was. Did dead angels hear prayers? It seemed unlikely. It didn’t feel like it had worked last time. They ceased to be, right?
Dean sharply averts his mind from that thought. That’s hyperventilation territory. The thought of Cas not being anymore was way too much for Dean’s brain to accept. Cas was somewhere, even if Dean couldn’t get to him. It was the only acceptable answer. He takes a different route.
Cas, if you can hear me, I’m gonna do everything I can buddy. I love you too. And I’m gonna find you. I don’t know how, but I will.
It’s the best he can do. He’s not even sure if or how he’ll ever be able to follow through, but it won’t be from lack of trying, dammit. Dean would devote his life to it, if that’s what it took. Because dammit, happiness was in the having.
He still wished he could crawl through the wall and just go with Cas. Being with Cas seemed like a better option, wherever he was, than being here without him. He should have said something, done something. He should have grabbed onto Cas with every ounce of strength he’d had. At least then, he would have been swallowed up too.
Because despite his silent promise, Dean wasn’t sure he was going to survive this time, losing Cas. He’d drank himself silly plenty of times before, became a danger to himself, and by extension, Sam. He’d almost succeeded in offing himself the last time Cas had left him. He just couldn’t take losing him again.
The hurt and the pain and the missing was already setting in. Dean missed Cas deeply. He always did when Cas was gone. Whether that was in death or Cas was just away. Missing Cas felt like a dark gray had descended over his world. He felt alone. Sure, he had Sam, or at least he thinks he still does, and Jack. But if he was being honest, he knew Sam could survive without him. Dean wasn’t sure he could survive in a world without Sam—definitely not with Cas gone as well—but his younger brother had always been stronger.
Jack would have Sam. If Dean knew Sam at all, he thinks Sam would take Jack and run. Run as fast and as far as he could. They would settle down in some no name town and try to lead relatively normal lives. Jack could go to school, and Sam get a regular job. Or maybe go back to Law School. Maybe Eileen would be there too. Regardless, they would make it work. And Dean would be happy for them.
The thought of following Cas sounded better and better.
But he had a promise to at least try and uphold.
With great effort, Dean ground those thoughts to halt. He had to stay alive. Otherwise Cas’ sacrifice would be in vein. Cas would kill him if he learned of Dean trying to off himself after Cas had given everything to save him. Who else was going to try and figure out a way to get Cas back? Dean had no doubt Sam would miss Cas, but he wouldn’t go so far as to resurrect him.
Dean’s resolve solidified as he grew tired against the wall. He cried, he prayed, and he thought some more, he missed his angel. But he didn’t waver and eventually he fell asleep.
When he found Sam and Jack the next day, it took everything in him not to break down again right in front of them as they exchanged their events of the last twenty-four hours. Sam was remorseful, just like Dean figured he would be. He held off on telling Sam his plan, they needed to survive the day first.
But when Sam had pulled ahead on their walk to the Impala, Jack leaned in close, and Dean put an arm around him. They walked together. They didn’t need words. Until, Jack thought they did. His voice was low and dangerous, and Dean was instantly reminded of what his adopted son could do.
“I promise you, Dean. If we survive what’s coming, we will get him back.”
I am from that generation who still says destiel and not deancas 💙💚
angels wearing some kind of jewelry, like a ring with an enochian inscription engraved inside, dean wearing castiel's in a cord around his neck every time castiel dies, cas giving it to him to always wear it right after their first kiss
when half of your ship canonically wanted the other half dead and proceeded to summon the king of hell and with the help of two hunters he fucking trapped thee death himself to ask him to murder your other half in front of his face. and even that didn't stop you from shipping them and you came up with the self-soothing (aka deluding) "oh they went through character development!!". then 8 years later the half that wanted the other dead actually sent him to fucking literal hell not caring if he could never come back again without even asking for his opinion. if you still shipped them after that then there's truly no hope for you <3.
#Suptober21 - “Missing him was dark gray, all alone” - Taylor Swift, Red.
The one where Dean falls for fellow student Cas, who’s so much more than first perceived. Will Dean be able to live with the secret once revealed, or will it doom them both?
In which Dean confronts Cas to get some answers
Written for the Ficfacer$ 2021 auction!
How could Cas telling Dean he loves him and it being the reason he went to superhell possibly be platonic? He literally already told Dean - and sam and Mary - he loved them during a previous death. Why would telling Dean he loves him be so special and a relief when he’s already done it before? When Dean already knows Cas views them as family??
The ONLY interpretation is that it’s romantic
Suptober 21 Day 21 : “Missing him was dark grey”
Just saw a tiktok saying that freckles were believed to be the result of having dirty sex
Automatically me, in XVI century flare, clutching imaginary pearls: “Dean Winchester, you absolute slut”
Twenty first Day of Suptober
✨Missing him was Dark gray all alone✨
A thousand kisses buys my heart from me; And pay them at thy leisure, one by one.
October 21st, 2021
15 days until November 5th.