Home in the middle of the afternoon. Nerve-y feeling of skipping class. Playing hooky. The fact is that I didn’t have anything due at the office today. Outdoors like a raging furnace. Judy wants me to go with her to meeting with Mr. Detwiler (President of the company) with my memo about new typesetting equipment. Patsy presents me with my very perfectly typed 3-page memorandum from L. Waite to Mr. Detwiler. Very important. Actually, the letter was half Patsy’s concoction– devised the letter herself from disjointed comments she took from me Friday afternoon in shorthand. Fascinated me. Then took that and handed me back this marvelously professional inter-office memo to the president. My timidity with authority. So nervous and afraid to leave early today. After weeks now of overtime and working Saturdays. That I should spend the entire day waiting for Judy and Mr. Detwiler to catch each other between meetings. The heat pressing in on your skin in the muggy blasting sunlight. Now home and stoned out on Mexican grass– drinking iced water, smoking menthol cigarettes. Wondering whether I may take a nap or get industrious for awhile and house clean– or drift through dreams and write. Always the choice I am whiningly confronted with. To dream or be awake. Always wanting the dreaming. Whole weekends spent in somnambulant trances. The nagging guilt to return to reality. Toward bills to pay and dishes to wash or…

—-

Exactly. Richard just called. Breaking into the quiet privacy I was enjoying. Needing. My personal reverie. Trying to extend it longer. Half-apologizing that I will do the washing tonight. Responsibilities closing in on me like walls crashing. If he knows I haven’t cleaned up the house– 

Then he mentions going to the movies tonight– I’d hoped he had forgotten. Says if I put a load of clothes in now– get started. 

I haven’t even been home alone an hour yet now all this excitement and hype gets rolling. Shit! 

And I am not blaming Richard. It is my own retreatism, my collapses, my turning in that shuts the world down. But I want to be high and industrious and even-keeled– not the brooding, hollow-eyed zombie I turn into like clockwork.

I surrender then. Now. Up and at’em Larry. Put a load of clothes in. Straighten up the apartment. Take a shower. Clean the kitty litter pan. Get your clothes ready for work tomorrow. It’s your responsibility to reality. Don’t just sit there staring out the window.

I surrender cautiously.

Lately namomroblema ko kase gusto ko bumili ng bagong bag kaso nagtitipid ako. Ang bait Ni Lord kase dalawa dalawa pa natanggap ko.

私は特別なものは何も持ってない。平凡極まりない人間だ。しかし、どういう訳か運には恵まれていて、何とかここまで生きてきた。

今日は会社の取り引き先に出す年賀状、全オフィス分を承って、一人試行錯誤しながら印刷していた。自分個人の年賀状を家で印刷するのでも、キッーとなりそうなのに、2500枚以上の会社の年賀状を他の社員とプリンターを譲り合いながら使って、他の業務も割り込ませてとしているうちに、疲れてしまって１０分くらい休ませてもらった。ビルの階段でコーヒーすすって気持ち切り替えて戻ってくると、同じような障がいを持った同僚二人が手伝ってくれて、無事完了させることができた。ありがたい想いで感謝伝えて、胸がジンとした。

しかも雑な私よりも手際よく丁寧に仕事してくれて、私なんかよりもずっとずっと有能でできた方達である。障がいを持っていても、人よりはできないことはやはりあるが、力を発揮できる分野もあるし、力を合わせれば、健康な方にも負けず劣らず根気よく丁寧にやり遂げたりするものだ。

障がいを持っているからとか生きづらさを抱えているからとかで、自分を否定する必要なくて、今は時間が必要だったり、環境が整わなくて、力発揮できてないだけなのだ。

ペンギンは砂漠の灼熱では過ごせないし、ラクダは南極では力が発揮できないだけなのだ。

Day 1

Homeroom teacher(Mrs.G) is absent second day. We tried to move Maths so we could filled the hole in the schedule. We failed. Spent hour writing about newest story idea.

On French we watched movie. It was supposed to be comedy. Instead it has plenty of racists jokes. Everyone felt uncomfortable. Not funny at all. Teacher fond it funny tho.

On Ethic we discussed morality of cloning, how much choice we have with our bodies and creation of hybrids between people and animals. I don’t know how to feel about cloning. I see why someone would be against or approve of this. Matter of choice with body is interesting. Hybrids I’m totally against. Teacher say we will have debate next week. There are some strong opinions so it should be interesting.

Originally posted by just-usmadd

Still have History of Art(HASZ), Phisical Edu. And English.

hey just an reminder to my mutuals, pls tag anything drug related it makes me uncomfortable <:)

20191210

人生の節目とは何の事なのだろうか

恐らく 大きい決断をした時や

ターニングポイントの事を指すのだろう

その多くがプラスに働く力を持っている

流れが好転したタイミングを節目と呼ぶのだろう

私の人生には節目と呼べる出来事があったのだろうか

毎日速度が落ちて行く生活が

加速する日が来るのでしょうか 来ないか

Serious question: would y’all buy my nudes?

i’m so excited for christmas. what is it about this particular holiday that makes me feel extra warm and comfy? something about the music, the jazz, the decorations that wraps you up in a nice hug. in many ways, christmas is always the perfect ending to the year. 

i think i might write up something about my year in review, because as i was scrolling through my photo album and instagram archives through the year, i realised how so very lucky i am to have had so many good memories. simple as they may be, looking back on them made all the difficult times i’ve also had seem worth it. it also made me regret not keeping up with my diary - for a while, i tried to at least write something about my day / week in my diary but that obviously didn’t last very long.

i’ve also realised recently that age really shrinks your trust circle. it is true that you know and interact with more people, but the saddest part is the facade that comes with it. what is it about university, or about age, that makes it so hard for people to be real with one another? on the surface, everyone is soaking in more and more company, but none really worth keeping in the long run. isn’t it sad? 

anyway…yes, i transitioned to using tumblr rather than wordpress. i guess i just needed / wanted a fresh start. wordpress was my depression dump, i feel. i’ve privated or locked most of the posts on there because i don’t really want people to know that i used to feel that way. yet, signing into my wordpress account meant that i was constantly bombarded with those posts that i can still see, and i guess that made me sad - to know that i was once so not okay. also, tumblr gives me more creative freedom with the themes and stuff, so that’s great. 

gosh, i do hope i write here more often. this actually feels quite nice. 

カラヴァッジョ、来年東京にも来るんかい。同じ絵が見られるかは分からないけど。これが見られるらしいけど

こっちも見たいわよねぇ…

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スターウォーズ、結局見てしまった。。笑

年をとったせいなのか何なのか、ハンソロに人としての魅力を感じる。わたしの中では「強引で自己中で深刻さが足りてなくて、なにかとムカつくヤツ」って印象があるんだけど、だからこそ楽しそうだし、自分に正直で羨ましい。ちゃんと自分の人生を自分でコントロールしているという意味では憧れさえ湧いてくる。(…そもそもわたし、言いっぷりのハッキリして意志の強い人が好きだったな。) とりあえずチューバッカかわいい。

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時間あったらお絵描きしよう〜。やりたいことに手をつけられず、つまんないから、エアロスミスのあのアルマゲドンの曲を聞きながら家事。10食分くらいのミネストローネを煮ながら、アイロンをかけながら世界を救った。

Hahah ahaa. Havha I am uglier!!!!!and worse than everyone

Kill me fr make me numb for ever

Sometimes I catch myself thinking, ‘hell, I miss London’.

But I do wonder, do I miss London or do I miss the life I had dreamt of living there with you?

Do I miss London, or do I miss the daydreams?

Do I miss London, or do I miss you?

haven’t loved in a long time.

a portrait i took of two people that have had a tremendous influence on my family on my recent trip to taiwan — my great uncle and my great aunt.

back when my grandpa (my great uncle’s brother) was a young adult, he was sent from taiwan to mainland china by his then-employer to continue his schooling, a seemingly simple ordeal that changed the course of our family history. it was because of this that he happened to be in mainland china when mao zedong and the communist party took power, and as a result he was stuck there/effectively cut off from the rest of his family in taiwan, who spend the next 25 or so years desperately searching for him, unsure of whether he was dead or alive. it was during these 25 years that he met my grandma (a mainlander), and my dad was born.

by pure chance, our family in taiwan eventually found and contacted him, although it would still be another several years before he could visit due to the law and political tension between mainland china and taiwan.

when the barriers eventually opened back up, my dad was in his early twenties and had just met my mother (another mainlander) — when my great uncle and aunt (the only family members at the time with the means to do this) offered him a sum of money to finish his schooling in america and start his family there in hopes of giving him better life, leading to my parents immigration and eventual citizenship in the states.

it is because of this sad but incredible history and act of unrepayable kindness by these two amazing people pictured here that, 10 years later, i had the privilege of being born an american citizen, and that i have the freedom to live my life the way i choose to. this portrait was an absolute honor ♥️

being depressed has its cons but it also motivates u to work 5/5 weekdays during ur holidays bc ure shit scared to be by urself !!!!!!! 🤠🤠🤠 cha ching neurotypicals

a couple hours ago i spent 45 min crying to my bf about being trans and how much i hate it because i can’t transition rn

mobile doing this thing where it doesn’t let me edit tags is probably the most annoying bug on this shit app

something abt being called “my baby” is just a million times better than being called just “baby”

on a more positive note, my sisters come from america on friday, I’m excited to see them, I have seen the older one in a couple years

im stressing really badly, this course is so simple. one class all day, three breaks, it’s not hard but god fuck do I hate it