chicken laksa noodles (cooked by the bestie)

my food ig here x

Contacted my drs yesterday and waiting to hear back from them about getting an appointment.

My mind is still telling me that I’m not sick or sick enough to need to get help and that I’m just faking this all.

I’ve then spent 20 minutes looking at influencers on IG who have over come ED and trying to compare if I look like they did before. It’s so sad.

But even though this has really taken a hold of me over the past year, I spend every waking minute thinking and calculating food, working out what I’m going to eat for the week and if I’m going out for food in a few weeks time I’m stressing about it for weeks beforehand. My life is consumed by this and I was to be as fit and healthy as I can be... that’s why I do to the gym right?

I was to be ‘skinny fit’ I was to be lean and for my muscles to show not to just be skin and bone. This is what I will work towards and my body can run of 1,200 calories and still do all that if I can’t go fully in.

We shall see, it feels a very uncertain road ahead and I hope I don’t get judged no matter what happens.

💛

my motivation… i’m going to include my diet plan for this week below to help me be consistent

tues. 05/18- water fast

wed. 05/19- water fast

thurs. 05/20- 200 cals

fri. 05/21- 200 cals

sat. 05/22- 300 cals

sun. 05/23- 100 cals

mon. 05/24- water fast

the fasts on tuesday and wednesday are to punish myself for eating so much this weekend… i can’t wait to feel hungry again

I like how some of y’all just like every little thing I post ..... feels like lots of little kisses on the cheek .... love u 💕

大家好，如果你看了我的中文tags请忽略他们，我正在练习流利程度。我的会话中文非常不好所以我练习用中文在回联网上。谢谢！

hey everyone, if you see my tags are in mandarin pls ignore them, i am practicing for fluency. my conversational mandarin is very bad so i am practicing using mandarin on the internet. thanks!

In the Age of Disillusionment

Expectations are daydreams short lived that come crashing down. There is always hope for a promising turn of events, but you find yourself walking into a dead road. Nothing what you hoped would happen, happened. Only left with the disillusion. That sad feeling as if the world lied and betrayed you.

Then it starts all over again. The built up of another hope for that one special thing would turn out the way you want it to. Staying up all night playing every scenario in your head and wishing it would happen.

Eventually you learn that the universe or whatever-the-fuck thing that decides your fate is the only thing who knows. But in the meantime you're just stuck in this age of disillusionment.

should've known i wasn't cishet when my reaction to my crush never serenading me with his guitar was to learn how to play the guitar so i could serenade someone someday

i hurt angels i will never forgive myself

thinkin abt this picture again...

I'm gonna have to redo all my pages on desktop so I can edit the html and add gradient fonts

diary, 5.16.2021.

My life would be so vastly improved if I were the kind of person who can't eat when they're sad. I'm always sad. I'd be at my goal weight within a week or two. Maybe I forget how sad I am for a minute- an hour- a whole day, even. But I'm sad. If i have a good day it never lasts, and even bad days don't last. What kills me are the nothing days- I go to work, I drive home, I look at my phone for hours trying to find things that make me less empty. I watch people eat things I could never allow myself to eat, and I watch people restrict themselves with so much more success then I could ever have.

Every single day I feel like I'm just a fraud and everyone around me can tell. I'm just some error of a person who was never meant to exist but I do and it's too late to do anything about it but everyone knows I don't belong. I don't have genuine human interaction- everything feels like a script.

I say thank you to the bus driver.

I nod if I accidentally make eye contact with someone at work.

I apologize if god forbid I get in someone's way.

I say 'mhmm' and 'oh yeah?' When my mom tells me about her day.

And that's literally it. I don't have friends to talk to, I don't have anything interesting to say even to my family. It's like God made 98% of a normal human being- gave me hobbies, and interests, and talents and all that, but forgot to give me any ability to communicate in a meaningful manner with other people, or any ability to cope with the fact that I can't connect with people. Everyone in my family makes friends without problem, but besides my sister and my dog, my closest friend is my cat.

I'm a 20 something year old adult who hasn't had a real friend since high school, cries when someone doesn't like something she's made, and copes by developing an ed and oversharing to a bunch of teenagers on the internet.

Idk, this is rambling and weird but I just feel like I'm so close to being normal, like it's right in front of me sometimes. I just can't get close enough to reach it. I'm always either too much or too little, and I either drive people away or leave before they can leave me, and it's an awful, emotionless way to live.

Anyways instead of dealing with this soul crushing weight that sucks the life out of me with every passing moment I'm gonna just bury that back inside me and Cope Unhealthily. Tomorrow I'm going to try to up my daily walk to 3 miles (not so much an endurance issue as it is a 95 degree heat at 9am issue, lmao), and I'm also eating mono, just to start my work week off well. Maybe if I lose the weight I'll find some semblance of a pleasant personality!

Belated Happy 17. May to my fellow norwegians, and others who celebrated. :) I spent the day on the sea with my fiance and my parents. We travelled in a boat convoy/parade along Tromsø. Since regular parades are illegal due to covid. A lot of boats showed up, of all sizes and types. Around 60 I think. Then we stopped and lay in dock in Tromsø to make hot dogs and eat ice cream, and listen to salutes. The weather was even nice, for once. It was a good day. But I was exhausted afterwards, so my report from the day comes now.

Gratulerer med dagen! 🇧🇻

(à chaque fois que je perds un follower j’espère que c’est toi.)

They Really Don't Want You In that Field

Well I wouldn't go in there!

About the Author

The Cat is one of the most successful feline authors in the history of Catkind. His sharp elegant wit has produced the bestselling book 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and of course the much plagiarised gag of the same name which appears on all of the funniest joke sites on the internet.

Copies of the Cat's masterpiece of feline literature 'Getting Out - Excerpts from a Cat's Diary' and his latest wonderful book 'The Cat's Travelogue' can be purchased at a bookstore near you or from the internet at Amazon.com and here for the Travelogue The Cat's Travelogue Paperback Edition or at what The Cat calls his www - wickedly wonderful website here www.thecatsdiary.com where you can not only learn more about me the genius Cat but also play my games they are all paw picked by me and have been described as "exactly what free on-line games should be, fun, free and fantastic."

besties i don't think i can "haha im so busy rn i don't have time for a girlfriend" my way out of this one, besties

Greg: Anyway, I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom.

Greg: Peace, homies.

I finished Poison Control, and I really enjoyed myself! I loved the colors (I’m biased towards pink), art, and style, and the characters looked so nice! Especially during dialogue: the talking animation is very stylish and cute! The overarching story was nothing too special, but the individual stories of the girls in the Belle’s Hell’s were very intriguing for the most part. The gameplay is definitely not amazing for a 3rd person shooter, but it was perfect for someone like me who enjoys RPGs but doesn’t particularly like 3rd person shooters! Overall, I really enjoyed my time with this game! On to the next one!

i just took a nap :(