#dysphoria tw Tumblr posts

  • phrogthembo
    20.01.2022 - 11 hours ago

    I was standing in front of a dorm mirror in my girlfriend's clothes. It was hardly femme. Hell, if the top was a bit bigger and I was a bit bigger it would've looked like a manly gym tank. But I looked in the mirror and saw something so, so not that. I saw someone so not me. Someone who was smiling and laughing. So I cried. I fucking wept.

    I was scared. For the next year and a half I was scared. All of a sudden every drip of my tongue was a poisonous lie that infected everyone and everything it touched, including myself. So I lied and hurt my whole world for a year and a half. Through a pandemic I gritted my teeth. I kept a stiff upper lip like a good boy and I pushed through until I couldn't. I had a new name. I had been dressing femme consistently around those who I was closest to and those in public who I would never see again. And every time I looked in the mirror I saw them. They were smiling and laughing and it was going to fucking break me. I had to stop hiding.

    So I did what I dreaded the most. I came out to my parents. The people who I relied on for, well basically everything. And I could almost hear their disappointment. But they "tried." They apparently would regularly hold conversations where they would use my pronouns, never in my presence of course. When I was around it was "he" and "you're so handsome" and no joke, "your shoulders are getting broader." When my grandma was staying over, they said, "you should keep this quiet around her." So that was another three months of silence until, on my birthday, they had the audacity to out me to her behind my back.

    And I kept seeing them in the mirror. I kept seeing them when I sneak in the bathroom and put on my thigh highs and my only skirt. They kept smiling and laughing. I wanted to hate them, to be envious and to shatter the mirror and pretend that the blood pouring from my hand was pouring from theirs. But I didn't. I never punched the mirror, and I never changed into my skirt anywhere but my car and my bathroom, and I never hated them. I didn't hate them because I knew I would have them. I would steal them from the mirror and become them.

    But first I had to grip the mirror. I had to tell my parents, who had control over my health insurance. "Oh, so you want to be a woman," was their response. "You should see a counselor first," they followed. But I was done. I was done I was done I was done. I stood back up and yelled until they backed down. I booked my appointment to get HRT, and after a month I finally had my grip on the mirror.

    Over the course of three more months I've been pulling them from the mirror. I had already stolen their name. A couple of weeks later I had started to steal their chest. Two more weeks I had stolen their hair. Two more weeks the world had drawn out my angst. So in two more weeks I had stolen their confidence. And now, I look in the mirror and I am smiling and laughing.

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  • madreckdoesrandomstuff
    20.01.2022 - 12 hours ago

    I'm seriously not fucking eating enough. I just enough where I think I'm satisfied, but then I remember that I can hear my stomach once every few minutes or so & I just—

    BOI— I'd make myself something to eat so I couldn't have to eat fucking pizza for once, but I don't wanna do the dishes or clean the fucking counters—

    & even if I do end up eating, I'll probably just feel a bit sick after I'm satisfied? Why? IDK! It's not from overeating since I'm practically fucking starving myself each day, which is the exact opposite of what I want.

    I'm skinny. I feel like I'm too skinny. I just want to gain weight & not feel a bit sick after my meals or snacks. I don't want to be skinny. I want some meat on my bones.

    I wanna be chubby. Chubby enough where I can can be called chubby. Chubby enough where I can actually grab stomach.

    I thought gaining weight would be easy, but oppsie! I keep forgetting that I'm often too depressed to fucking eat much & just feel like shit once I actually eat enough food & feel satisfied. Is gaining weight really that difficult?

    I hate it. I hate my fucking body. I hate how skinny I am. I hate how I struggle to bring myself to eat a decent meal. I hate how I'm always fucking hungry, despite always having access to food. I hate how shitty I feel. I hate how ik when I'm hungry & yet I still don't get myself some fucking food. I hate how my shitty emotions affects if I eat or not.

    I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate it so fucking much.

    I'm not a picky eater, most of the time. Hell, I'd probably down 2 bowls of spaghetti or some shit if it's good or depending on how hungry I am. That'd fill me up & I'd probably go back for 3rds about an hr later or so if it isn't too cold or dry.

    Jfc I hate myself so fucking much. I can't bring myself to do even the simplest of fucking tasks & only do them when I'm fucking told to or too fed up with my own bs.

    3 slices. 3 slices of pizza. No good. Still hungry, but I'd start to feel sick after a 4th slice.

    I'm tired. I'm tired of always hearing my stomach growling. Day & night. No matter what I'm fucking doing, I can always fucking hear it. I'm fucking surprised my lil bro hasn't said anything about it or maybe even some of my classmates whenever I'm at school.

    Maybe I should get up earlier on school days so I can get myself something to eat. A slice of bread or Pop Tarts wouldn't hurt if it means I won't have to hear that dreadful growling until the next time I eat.

    PLS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD I'M TIRED OF THIS! I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH! I DON'T WANT TO FUCKING STARVE MYSELF! I DON'T WANT TO EAT LESS! THEN WHY TF AM I NOT EATING AS MUCH AS I SHOULD?! I FUCKING HATE IT! I HATE IT SO MUCH!

    I JUST WANT TO RIP MY STOMACH OUT SO I WON'T HAVE TO FUCKING HEAR IT! WHY?! WHY?! WHY?!

    I HATE MYSELF SO FUCKING MUCH! I HATE HOW I'M NOT EATING AS MUCH AS I SHOULD! I HATE HOW SKINNY I AM!

    I HATE THE BODYSHAMING DONE BY MY MOM & STEPDAD! I HATE THE BODYSHAMING I DO TO MYSELF! TELLING ME THAT I'M TOO SKINNY & THAT I SHOULD EAT MORE!

    I HATE THE BODYSHAMING I ALWAYS SEE! I HATE HOW PPL BODYSHAME FAT PPL! I HATE HOW PPL BODYSHAME SKINNY PPL! I HATE HOW PPL BODYSHAME DISABLED PPL! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

    I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH MY BODY! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I EAT! I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY WITH HOW I LOOK! OR FEEL! OR MYSELF!

    BUT NO! I CAN'T FUCKING HATE THAT CAN I?!

    I HATE MY BODY! I HATE MY EYES! I HATE THE FOOD AROUND ME! I HATE MY FAMILY! HATE MYSELF!

    SOMEONE JUST RIP MY FUCKING THROAT OUT ALREADY! YOU'D JUST BE DOING MY A FAVOR BY KILLING ME!

    WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I NEED TO DO & BE FUCKING SATISFIED?! WHY CAN'T I JUST DO WHAT I WANT TO DO & BE FUCKING SATISFIED?!

    IF MY STOMACH OR MIND CAN JUST FEEL SATISFIED WITH WHAT I DO FOR MORE THAN JUST 5 MINUTES, THEN MAYBE I MIGHT FEEL HAPPY!

    GOD DAMN IT! ALL I NEED TO DO IS EAT & THEN I WON'T HAVE TO HEAR MY STUPID STOMACH!

    WHY AM I TYPING THIS OUT INSTEAD OF FUCKING EATING?!

    Jfc I feel like crying. So fucking pathetic. Feeling upset over something so fucking simple. It's really not that difficult. So just get over it. It'll be alright. Okay?

    It's not. It won't be alright. It won't be okay. I can't get over it. I won't get over it. It's not simple. It really isn't.

    Although I'm right about 1 thing & that I'm fucking pathetic. All I've gotta do is eat enough where my stomach can feel satisfied & then I won't feel like shit.

    That's it. That's all. That's all that needs to be done. It's simple. An easy task. Simple enough. Should over with quickly. Shouldn't take more than 10 minutes.

    Then why aren't you doing it? Why aren't you eating? It's cuz of that damn phone, isn't it? Shut up... Turn it off! It's not the the phone? Yeah, you're right...

    You know you won't upset anybody be eating rn. Your parents are asleep. There's plenty of shitty leftover Pizza Hut. Your siblings aren't eating. It should be good, despite you only liking the sausage when the leftover pizza gets cold.

    Why are you just drinking your soda? It won't help much. Yes it tastes good, but it won't fill you up like an actual meal. What? You don't want the pizza? Then what about that Hawaiian bread then? Oh? You're thinking about it? That's good. You like that stuff anyway.

    Try to calm down. Take deep breathes. Don't be afraid to eat. You won't get in trouble. You won't feel sick this time. I promise. Now pls, eat.

    Do it for yourself, but also do it for the others that care about you. They'd hate to see you so upset. They'd get upset because you are, which will only make you more upset. Being upset just makes you hungrier anyway, especially if you feel like crying or really angry.

    Now, just get some bread & try to calm down.

    #tw vent #tw body dysphoria #tw bodyshaming mention #tw bodyshaming #tw suicidal thoughts mentioned #tw eating disorder? #tw mention of death #tw mental breakdown
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  • pvnkdaft
    20.01.2022 - 15 hours ago

    i wish i could shapeshift

    #💬 #trying to get dressed for class today and #im feeling super masc rn #i meanyeah sometimes i wanna present feminine and sometimes i wanna present masc #but like my body is literally built for people to initially perceive me as a 'woman' and i fucking hate it #rn i feel like rly masc and i fucking hate how #i cant present masc or even androgynously if i tried fuuuuuuuck this #srsly thinking ab going on t #idk what to do #its so hot out i cant even wear a fucking hoodie and sweats FUUUUCK MEEE #tw gender dysphoria #<- maybe ??? idk man
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  • ohboi
    20.01.2022 - 15 hours ago

    TW: DYSPHORIA, SH SCARS

    i wanted to show a drawing that i made at a time when my dysphoria and depression were very intense, and i wanted to share this with y'all.

    if you relate to this, im sorry :( . i know how hard it can be, especially if you don't have your family to support you.

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  • onlyhereforthechaos
    19.01.2022 - 17 hours ago

    Nonbinary rant moment incoming:

    At college, we have this debate coming up, it’s graded and all so it’s really important. And today, someone from another group came up to me to ask how I wanted her to adress me, which pronouns/ if she needed to use ms. or mr. Ya know the usual.

    And eventually I said I wanted to be addressed as Mx. which is the genderneutral term for ms/mr. But now I’m really scared cause I’m the only enby in my class at least and now I’m kinda scared people are gonna look at me weird during the debate.

    Like on one hand I love that people want to use the right pronouns, but on the other hand I don’t want to be seen as a “special snowflake” or something.

    The other thing is is that I’m not really out to my teachers, so that’s gonna be nice 🙂

    Like I really like my classmates, and some of em know that I’m enby, and yet they still use the wrong pronouns. Probably my fault tho, I never correct them cause I’m too scared. So not to be negative, but they’re all gonna misgender me probably during the debate. It’s gonna be fine tho, no one takes me being enby seriously tho, so I’m used to it.

    Wow this is depressing lmao

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  • dysphoric-culture-is
    19.01.2022 - 18 hours ago
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  • fyrewalks
    19.01.2022 - 23 hours ago

    what is being trans if not being exhuasted

    #ooc #for legal reasons this is a joke #but bad period + dysphoria + a new project = falling asleep at 8 pm #all this to say im probably just gonna stick to disco the next few days #dysphoria tw#period tw
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  • 0r8ng3-4dd150n
    19.01.2022 - 1 day ago
    #ask orange #ask orange addison #ask sfumato #ask sfumato swatchling #sfumato oc #plot relevant asks #soul posting#attic sequence#plot dump #(ig??) #gender dysphoria tw
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  • psychicscissor
    19.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    Crying myself to sleep again~✨

    #ana miaa #pro only for me #miaa #pro only for myself #deprem#depressiv#anxi4ty#tw weight#food tw #tw gender dysphoria
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  • disfiguredkisses
    19.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    1/18/22

    6:20 P.M.

    Tuesday.

    Am I a boy or a girl, somewhere in between,

    Or nothing at all ?

    I can’t help think as I stare at myself in the mirror

    with my thin hair that goes past my shoulders

    That maybe I’m just lying to myself

    That the need to be masculine , the new name that I have chosen , the discontent I feel towards my body

    Stems from a place of mental illness and insecurity .

    After all, I was always comfortable just being simply a girl my entire life thus far

    I wonder what has changed.

    I’m sick of trying to figure myself out

    My family would never look at me the same if I told them

    The world would refuse to accept my truth

    Everybody would treat me differently, and that’s not what I want

    So I guess I’ll choose to be nothing at all.

    #vent journal#tw vent#tw dysphoria#gender confusion#vent poetry #I’m so tired of this guys #I feel disgusting in dresses now #I love feminine things but they don’t feel right on me #I’d love to get a binder someday and stop my periods and cut my hair short #I don’t feel wholly like a man though #I’m afraid of telling someone and then going back on it because I don’t feel like that anymore #I’m still closeted about my sexuality but now my gender identity is complicating things #there’s no going back once I tell my family and friends yknow #I hate feeling like this sm #I don’t want people to view me differently just because I’m not cisgender #I wish the world was simpler
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  • letters-thrown-into-the-void
    19.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    Doubt

    date of origin: 05/JAN/2022, 11:40 p.m.

    Dear self, 

    Will you always doubt all your decisions? Every answer in class, or on an exam, second-guessed? Will the words you want to say be filtered to oblivion, never spoken for fear of rejection? For fear of ridicule? Why do you regulate what you do and express so rigorously? Anything you do, you fear that the consequences will be the worst possible result.

    Will you always doubt your identity? Will you feel impostor syndrome your whole life, never truly able to be secure in who you think you are? Why won’t you ever say with confidence, “My name is ______ and this is just how I am?” Will body image issues leave you first, or will dysphoria? Will they even go away, or will they take you instead? Why don’t you trust yourself with others who trust themselves with you? Why must you be the way that you are? Will you ever be better?

    -Admin Fern

    #admin fern's letters #letters thrown into the void #letter#letters#writing#my writing #writers on tumblr #doubt#self doubt #tw self doubt #impostor syndrome #tw imposter syndrome #imposter syndrome#dysphoria mention#body image#write#writers #self deprecating thoughts #free write
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  • sinhasaheart
    18.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    For the consideration of genderfluid!Hal believers:

    What if his aversion to the name 'Harold' is like a dysphoria thing?

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  • gaylilsherlock
    18.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    listening to luna sea whilst the wife and puppy are playing and im trying not to have a breakdown in front of them 🙃✌🏼 I have that stupid fucking phone appointment with the gyno in an hour and its yanking on my gender dysphoria and making me want to crawl out of my skin. I’ve been on the edge of crying all morning, get me off this train

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  • bloomingtrans
    18.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    fucking hell my top surgery got pushed back a month

    #crying screaming sobbing #Just when i started to get more dysphoric abt my chest. pain #this is the second time id have to push it back too #nate.txt #dysphoria tw
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  • theoneandoni
    18.01.2022 - 1 day ago

    BROOO COME ON NOT THE DYSPHORIA

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  • 0r8ng3-4dd150n
    18.01.2022 - 1 day ago
    #ask orange #ask orange addison #ginger??? #plot relevant asks #soul posting#attic sequence#emeto cw #gender dysphoria tw #dippy dots
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  • justmescreaming27
    18.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    #killing myself, guess who forgot my cramp medicine and all my fucking pads at home

    #Don’t reblog #thankfully my friend in 3rd period had pads but honestly just having to ask makes me wanna DIE #The embarrassment;;; the gender dysphoria;;;; unbearable. Killing myself. This is not a boyboss moment. #menstruation tw
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  • godsr0ttenmistake
    18.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    TW - GENDER DYSPHORIA

    can my brain pls stop freaking out cuz i have tits.

    like they're the only reason people like me, stop wanting to cut them off pls.

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  • cereal-cereal-cereal
    18.01.2022 - 2 days ago

    Im going to cry i hate my uterus so much

    I wish someone would take it away from me 😭

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