Jae laid back in bed, his eyes casted upward toward the ceiling. He breathed out a small breath of air, feeling just a tiny bit of stress being released from within him, but it was nothing compared to the amount of stress he still held. Day after day, it's always the same: he finds himself in the same place, staring up at the same ceiling while his mind races left and right. A piece of him wondered what exactly was the center of these feelings. What exactly was the source of the stress, but he couldn't deny anymore that it had something to do with the people around him and his inner demons getting the best of him.
Pulling his gaze away from the whiteness of the ceiling, he finally turned over onto his side. He couldn't deny that he had a strong dislike for mostly everyone these days. They brought him nothing but dislike toward himself. The words he read about himself from antis, the constant reprimanding both during work and outside, and even words spoken to him personally. It all brought on these negative feelings toward each and every person, especially himself.
He, himself, was another target on his list. The person he hated the most. Regardless of what Felix always said, despite being loved for them, Jae couldn't help but hate himself for each and every flaw he possessed. These imperfections were the exact reason why people around him and people online attacked him. They were the very reason he would constantly crawl within himself to seek some form of shelter. They were the reason he rarely went out, aside from his usual introverted nature. To put it short, Jae was hiding within himself. The only place where he felt safe.
It was tiring pretending as if he was fine every waking moment when he knew for a fact that he was completely and utterly exhausted mentally and emotionally.
Every day he woke up and went to work or socialized with friends, plastering a smile on his face and trying his best to stay off anyone's radar. He didn't want them knowing how he really felt, how much he actually was growing to almost hate them. It would be so much easier for him to sever ties and go about his day, but as usual, he didn't want to play the role of the bad guy. Those were the people who were supposed to mean something to him, and yet they hardly did. Only one person was still important to him. Only one person meant anything to him, and that was Felix. Felix meant the world to him. In fact he was the world to him, although they didn't get to see each other very often. With schedules not lining up and Jae's mental health declining, it was almost impossible for them to see one another.
He breathed out another breath, a small sigh, as he closed his eyes, his fingers curling into the fabric of the pillow beneath his head.
His mind was such a negative place. As much as he preached about mental health, he surely didn't know how to help himself. His mood was in a constant low. The kind of low where he found it almost impossible to pull himself out of bed. He lacked the energy or the will. There was no care whatsoever left in his body, and he'd much rather lay there in silence and turn off his mind so he didn't have to listen to the constant negativity floating around in his head. But the words of others were constantly making their way though, penetrating him in every way. Failure. Pathetic. Loser. Stupid. Mistake. Troublemaker. They were all words thrown at him. All words that stabbed him like knives each time they were repeated, and yet he had no way of making it stop.
The idea of standing up for himself long left his mind. What was the point in speaking up against so many different people who weren't going to listen to him? What were the odds that he'd once again say something he'd have to publicly apologize for? He was tired of apologizing. He was tired of having to uphold an image that he didn't fit, not even in the slightest. He wasn't perfect like an idol portrayed. Jae was far from perfect. When he looked around, he often thought he was the most flawed person he'd ever seen, even if he knew everyone had their own flaws, their own struggles, and yet he still thought he was the worst because people made him feel the worst.
He wanted away. Needed away. Yet there was nowhere for him to go. All he had was his apartment. The same walls that surrounded him each and every day. The same rooms that made him feel trapped, just like he felt trapped within himself.
Another soft sigh escaped him. Just another day to get through, but he doubted he'd be okay.
just noticed that day6′s jae helped writing “my love” from kyungsoo’s album
#is this a fever dream? #thats literally favorite song on the album #much to think about #we're closer to the day6 x exo collab #exo#kyungsoo #actually this explains a lot cause the song could for sure be something by eaJ #day6 #d.o