Again posting on mobile because late night why not 😌 gn!
Again posting on mobile because late night why not 😌 gn!
There was no need for my fat body to wake me up at 6 am on a Saturday with one pound more on my hips cause I binged last night and yet here we are
| September 24, 2021. Friday |
There is an inexplicable amount of sadness and loneliness that I am starting to endure in my pursuits. That is to say that, I am not happy with the way things have been going even if most of the time, they've been good.
I woke up sick this morning. I had horrible cramps and nausea for four hours straight, and that's never happened before. I think there's a combination of things weighing down on my body right now - from stress to eating out all the time (which is something that I don't do because I spent the majority of my time at home COOKING my food).
It's been such a physically taxing adjustment on me especially because I'm gone for such a large part of my day. My days pretty much start at 6 and end at whatever time I feel is right to end my day - usually 10:30-11 pm MST.
On top of that, midterms is coming up, I have technically two shows coming up for African dance and I'm being pushed completely out of my normal range of confidence and disposition. I'm not used to letting go and letting my body simply move with the music in sequential steps - as is the case with African dance. I'm used to that subtle sense of constant control that comes with traditional and contemporary dance styles like modern and ballet (which I am also taking - at this point, I've just considered adding Dance as a second major). On top of that, evoking a certain sense of confidence is completely new to me as someone that's so reserved and...honestly still working on that confidence.
It's a challenge and I really only have two weeks left to build and build myself physically and mentally for the demands of my dancing. I love dancing, for sure, but I also knew that the deeper I got back into my journey the more I was going to run into my own self-imposed roadblocks. As my teacher often says 'Dance is about discipline' and it is my shaky foundation that I am going to have to force myself to grow into a discipline I had never even know I needed to exist.
Much like my studies, my health, my relationships with others - there is a certain amount of confidence and discipline that comes with it. And to define discipline - I see it less 'doing things that you don't want to do' and more like 'engaging in the things and activities that are going to propel you closer to your goals'.
It is in this, that I must ask myself: who am I doing this for and why? Why do I need this? Why is going to benefit me and how?
Today was a rough day, and in this journey I know and welcome to having them but that doesn't make them any less than what they are - hard.
My sadness comes from a looming sense of disappointment in myself and my performance but I take what my boss had told me in a coaching call not more than 2 weeks ago: there are not strengths and weaknesses. There are only strengths and growth opportunities. For me, my growth opportunities lie in my new desire to improve myself as dancer and a student. Which I hope that the lessons that I learn and the trials that I face within both of these aspects of my life, holistically come together and bleed into the other parts of me that are desiring growth as well.
These past few weeks I have fumbled. I have faltered in the promises that I have made to myself because sometimes the lingering doubt that I have in my abilities and personality have come to hold me back. I am holding myself back. And today, I have fallen. But perhaps, instead of me running back to the corner I always run back to, running to dust the cobwebs of my archived regressive patterns - I will instead turn my face towards the morning sun of tomorrow and wipe my tears.
I have this wonderful dream of who I want to be, and where I want to be but I think I also need to grow into my identity an motivations more alongside building up to it. So I will continue to take this time with grace and compassion for how far I've come from where I've been previously. Even with the little bit that I did today, that is much more than I would've done (at least in the healthy sense) a few years ago. I applaud all my little steps, leaps and jumps because there is too much not to celebrate.
I had a rough day. I can't lie, but truly - now that I'm feeling a lot better - I am grateful for the rest that I get to take in order to realign myself and my goals. Atop of the fact that I am grateful for all the wonderful people that I get to meet and share these milestones with; blessed and highly favored as they say ✨
"When you choose to notice instead of think, you yank judgement which fogs situations and only cause reactions. Stop thinking. Start noticing. That's where patterns are broken."
- John Kim | The Angry Therapist
Peace, Love, Blessings Always.
+ What did I accomplish today?
- I finished 1/2 of my chapter reading for Anthropology on Primates
- Finished 1/2 of my discussion questions and review for Political Philosophy, and finished a comparison chart of ideas between Hobbes, Locke, and Dworkin
- Practiced and choreographed my solos for African Dance
- Finishing up Chp. 1-3 notes for Anthropology
+ What did I eat today?
I originally wasn't going to eat today but its only necessary that I do after my morning spasm.
I didn't have breakfast but for lunch I had a grilled cheese and fries for Steak n' Shake.
Two Mott's Fruit Snack packs.
And for dinner I had a carrot cake protein bowl w/ granola, dark chocolate, and chia seeds from Shake Smart.
+ How did I take care of my body today?
- I spent the majority of the day sleeping and resting because I was exhausted from this morning. I almost passed out twice but luckily I got through the morning by going to the campus pantry and getting some sweet potatoes, bananas, and corn so I can do some major cooking and meal prep on Saturday because all this eating out is killing my body.
- I also decided to do a 45 min. strength training session late at the gym tonight, because I'm literally having withdrawals not working out even though the majority of my week is filled with me dancing and rehersing. Sometimes it doesn't even feel like that enough exercise but it honestly really is a lot, which I've completely changed my schedule to doing predominantly cardio/HIIT for the majority of the week but especially on the dance where I'm dancing, and on non-dance days I will do strength training sessions or yoga/pilates.
- I also decided that I'm going to get back into cycle syncing and focusing on eating ad training for each phase of my cycle.
got told I look like a bunny when I eat so I will no be shitting down and rebooting in order to try and process this information.
LOW CALORIE FOOD
I just realized how low in calories Haddock is. I had 50 grams for 37 calories + 15 for cooking spray. It tastes really good too and is good for pairing with vegetables.
Haha, finally had that cry I’ve been waiting a while for, wanna know why? Cause I just had to put down the sweetest rat in the world.
I feel so alone and scared now and like I’m going to explode. I was numb for weeks and now all these emotions are bubbling up I just don’t feel safe. It’s not fair that whatever the hell happened with evolution or whatever you believe that would make the most sweet and kind, brilliant funky little creatures and only have them live for 2-3 years if your lucky. It’s a sick and cruel joke. She just turned two but I knew that I would have to let her go before this cause her bump on the side of her face was getting worse and I didn’t want her to start suffering.
I still feel like I want to punch someone for this happening to her. Why her, why not me or someone else why did it have to be her time. I was supposed to die first, I am supposed to leave them and wait for them if there is another side. I just don’t feel safe anymore, not in my house not in my family not in my body. I feel like something drastic is going to happen and I’m just lying here waiting for it to happen.
I want to binge my heart out and fill the pit in my stomach with fatty greasy take out because I’m so hungry. I’m fat whatever it’s not like I can change that so why not just pig out on everything in site. But then again I just want to starve and make that hole bigger, waste away and not have to feel anything anymore.
Tardis I wish you were still here and I hope you know I would’ve done anything to make you better and live forever free of pain. Me and your sisters will miss you so fucking much and I hope your with the rest of my past girls even if I don’t know what happens after. You were the best rat in teddy bear fur ever, I’m so sorry.
Today was okay yet I feel like complete shit ? I think since I can’t avoid eating dinner with my bf I’ll just have to start purging after… (September 24, 2021)
- Coffee with creamer & almond milk (46 cals)
- Wheat toast with half a small avocado (140 cals)
- Banana (105 cals)
- Stroganoff (400 cals)
- 30 minutes of walking (-127 cals)
Total= 564 cals
I love going on vacation because of my dietary restrictions normally I can’t even eat anything if I wanted too lololol hopefully I lose when i’m home
🍁Ed food log, September 24🍁
•I ended my fast at 20 hours and 13 minutes•
Lunch: tomato soup (88 kcal), sugar free Red Bull and an apple (65 kcal) = 153 kcal
Dinner: two small bowls with (fish, cod)taco salad with a few chips and homemade guacamole = 467 kcal
Snacks: strawberries (94 kcal), apple (66 kcal) and blueberries (127 kcal) = 288 kcal
Water: 1.86 L
Workout: walking, 183 kcal
Apple Watch: 2.035 total of cals burned
Burned: 2.035 - Food: 908 = 1.127 kcal
Food - Workout // Net = 725 calories
I ate way too much today and I’m not proud of it at all. I was leading to a binge as I ate quite a lot of fruit and berries, but I was able to gain back control. I did drink a lot of sugar free soda to avoid it, but that’s better than a full out binge with everything in the house. Usually the weekends are tougher food wise, but I’ll beat the urges. Hopefully I’ll manage to skip lunch tomorrow, have a low cal dinner and just a little bit fruit/berries as a snack as every Saturday.
I have so much free time lately that it's hard to keep myself distracted. And since I've never watched any Marvel movies I decided to catch up on them.
I've watched 12 of them so far and it is actually working and keeping me from eating all the time? Also: they're all so good looking which gives me some thinspo?
Suzy & I are supposed to go to the park at 5pm. I’m a little nervous as I always am with going out & seeing people/having people see me. I’ve been fasting/restricting this past week but I don’t feel any better. Usually, restricting helps numb my feelings but that hasn’t really been happening this week. I’m anxious…nervous that Suzy will either bring like a picnic or want us to go somewhere to eat since we’re going to be together a while. I hope she doesn’t but she knows about my eating disorder & she knows I’ve been struggling so I feel like she might encourage me to eat. I don’t want to eat. I’ve been eating less and exercising but I still feel so fat. I am fat and I feel fat. I hate it.
And I just checked my Co-Star app & it says this:
Funny how it says “Restriction” under “Don’t” like how did they know 😅 does all the world know I have an eating disorder or is it just a coincidence
24th September 2021
- 0.1 kg
lunch - 1.30 pm
- 160g savory pie with spinach and ricotta= 435kcal
- 40g baguette= 116kcal
snack - 5.30 pm
- a cup of green tea= 5kcal
dinner - 8.30 pm
- 2 slice of bread= 129kcal
- 2 slice of baguette= 185kcal
- vegetable soup= 24kcal
I think I'm gonna skip dinner tonight so I can wake up thinner tomorrow
My favourite low calorie snacks + tips. Reblog with your own favourites + tips.
Low calorie snacks
Garden veggie wavy chips (38 chips = 138 calories)
Crunchmaster original multi grain crackers (1 cracker=9 calories)
Plain yogurt (Liberté without added sugar). It’s easy to combine with other foods and tastes good.
Popcorn (unsalted without butter)
Chia pudding (with oat milk and cocoa powder, tastes really good)
Gummies. They’re a sweet snack but a lot of them have surprisingly low calories. I like the Haribo cherry gummies.
LOLLIPOPS; one chupa chup lollipop has 50 calories but it keeps you occupied for so long. They really helped me with binging
Don’t drink your calories. It will not fill you up.
Going dairy free. Helps with eating less calories + you will feel better.
Doing a metabolism day once a week. Eat whatever you want for one day. It helps with binges and guilt when you plan ahead with eating bigger portions. I try to eat as much as my BMR but as long as you’re eating it’s good.
Supplements. (B12, biotin, collagen, vitamin e, vitamin D, propolis, PROBIOTICS I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH)
*doesn’t eat anything that’s not prepackaged, vigorously washes hands before touching food or eating, Re-washes hands if they touch something unsanitary during the meal, refuses to fall asleep if body feels even slightly off, throws away anything that comes within a few days of an arbitrary sell by date, tries to sleep off starvation instead of risking eating, completely shuts down if body starts to feel a little off*
Damn bro you could make a mental illness out of this
Okay I need someone to stop me, I'm so close to a binge I can feel it HELP
Yesterday’s Food Diary
For breakfast I had a spoon of honey and a granola bar
For dinner I had whole grain rye toast with almond butter and a peach
For snacks I had a fibre bar, 3 hard candys, and 10 crackers (original crunchmaster)
Please find low calorie snacks. You need to eat. I had so much food and it didn’t add up THAT much. I’ll make a post with low calorie snacks for you guys and I hope it helps you guys.
do it for...
waking up in the morning and feeling ribbs instead of food and fat, being able to wrap your fingers around your shoulders, having a thigh gap so obvious that it shows even when you're wearing baggy pants, bruising when you have a small trip because you're so fradgile and dainty, having bone-y, long, dainty fingers and being so weak you can barely stand. do it so that you'll stop looking at the thinspo and someone will be lookkng at pictures of your body instead, it will be them thinking "oh to have a body like their's", do it for yoursef, so that you would say "i love being skinny" instead of "i hate being fat" the next time you look in the mirror, do it so that you are finally satysfied.
𝑂𝑝𝑎𝑛𝑜𝑤𝑎ł𝑎𝑚 𝑔ł𝑜́𝑑. 𝑀𝑎ł𝑒 𝑠́𝑛𝑖𝑎𝑑𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑒, 𝑝𝑜́𝑧́𝑛𝑖𝑒𝑗 𝑗𝑎𝑏ł𝑘𝑜, 𝑜𝑏𝑖𝑎𝑑 𝑗𝑎𝑘 𝑛𝑎𝑗𝑚𝑛𝑖𝑒𝑗 𝑘𝑎𝑙𝑜𝑟𝑦𝑐𝑧𝑛𝑦 𝑖 𝑘𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑒𝑐. 𝑁𝑖𝑒 𝑐𝑧𝑢𝑗𝑒 𝑔ł𝑜𝑑𝑢. 𝑆𝑢𝑘𝑐𝑒𝑠. 𝑀𝑎ł𝑦, 𝑎𝑙𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑘𝑐𝑒𝑠. 𝐶𝑧𝑢𝑗𝑒 𝑤𝑑𝑧𝑖𝑒̨𝑐𝑧𝑛𝑜𝑠́𝑐́, 𝑧𝑎 𝑠𝑖ł𝑒̨, 𝑧𝑎 𝑚𝑜𝑡𝑦𝑤𝑎𝑐𝑗𝑒̨, 𝑧𝑎 𝑡𝑜, 𝑧̇𝑒 𝑗𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑚 𝑡𝑢 𝑔𝑑𝑧𝑖𝑒 𝑗𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑚, 𝑧̇𝑒 𝑑𝑎𝑗𝑒̨ 𝑟𝑎𝑑𝑒̨ 𝑝𝑜𝑚𝑖𝑚𝑜 𝑝𝑜𝑛𝑖𝑒𝑠𝑖𝑜𝑛𝑦𝑐ℎ 𝑤𝑐𝑧𝑒𝑠́𝑛𝑖𝑒𝑗 𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑎𝑧̇𝑒𝑘. 𝑈𝑐𝑧𝑒̨ 𝑠𝑖𝑒̨ 𝑛𝑎 𝑏ł𝑒̨𝑑𝑎𝑐ℎ 𝑖 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑎𝑗𝑒̨ 𝑚𝑖 𝑠𝑖ł𝑒̨. 𝑊𝑖𝑒𝑟𝑧𝑒̨, 𝑧̇𝑒 𝑗𝑒𝑠𝑡𝑒𝑚 𝑛𝑎 𝑑𝑜𝑏𝑟𝑒𝑗 𝑑𝑟𝑜𝑑𝑧𝑒. 𝐼 𝑡𝑒𝑔𝑜 𝑡𝑒𝑧̇ 𝑊𝑎𝑚 𝑧̇𝑦𝑐𝑧𝑒̨. 𝑂𝑑𝑛𝑎𝑗𝑑𝑧́𝑐𝑖𝑒 𝑠𝑖𝑒𝑏𝑖𝑒! 𝑀𝑜𝑧̇𝑒 𝑏𝑦𝑐́ 𝑡𝑟𝑢𝑑𝑛𝑜, 𝑚𝑜𝑧̇𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑛𝑖𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑧𝑦𝑗𝑑𝑧𝑖𝑒 𝑧 𝑑𝑛𝑖𝑎 𝑛𝑎 𝑑𝑧𝑖𝑒𝑛́, 𝑛𝑎 𝑝𝑒𝑤𝑛𝑜 𝑡𝑎𝑘 𝑤ł𝑎𝑠́𝑛𝑖𝑒 𝑏𝑒̨𝑑𝑧𝑖𝑒, 𝑎𝑙𝑒 𝑚𝑎ł𝑦𝑚𝑖 𝑘𝑟𝑜𝑐𝑧𝑘𝑎𝑚𝑖 𝑤 𝑘𝑜𝑛́𝑐𝑢 𝑜𝑑𝑛𝑎𝑗𝑑𝑧𝑖𝑒𝑐𝑖𝑒 𝑠𝑖𝑒𝑏𝑖𝑒 𝑖 𝑝𝑜𝑐𝑧𝑢𝑗𝑒 𝑝𝑟𝑎𝑤𝑑𝑧𝑖𝑤𝑎̨ 𝑢𝑙𝑔𝑒̨.
𝑇𝑟𝑧𝑦𝑚𝑎𝑗𝑐𝑖𝑒 𝑠𝑖𝑒̨ 𝑐ℎ𝑢𝑑𝑜! 🦋
romanticizing my pre recovery pics always. the things i would do to be back in this body. im probably 15lbs more than this right now because of the hospitalization but give me till october 10th and ill be here again. im dying to be so perfect i become someone elses thinsp0