i cant stand to look at myself
i cant stand to look at myself
I swear I go from one unhealthy coping mechanisms to another
I'm 6 months sh free but I relapsed into an eating disorder again🤦
Current obsession-water fasting videos>10000 calorie challenges
I prefer to watch 10000 calorie challenges at night when I'm not able to go get food anyways whereas during the day I find they just make me want food, whereas water fast make me want to keep going
Normally around day 5 they start to feel normal, not hungry or fatigued and I'm working Thursday which will be my day 5, but I'm going to belfast on Friday with my friends so I'm gonna have to eat then lol
Bodycheck: Ich will endlich wieder so dünn sein wie früher... Immerhin sieht man wieder meine Rippen! Aber man sieht auch all mein Fett...
I need to loose 84lbs before the end of the year 🥴 time to actually take this seriously cause I’ve gained so much frickin’ weight since the start of the year, let’s gooooo
Day 7: Do your parents know you're trying to lose weight? Do they care?
They thought so at one point but I've gotten good enough at lying to convince them otherwise. As well as them caring? No. Not a bit. Mom's too obsessed with herself to give a shit and Dad only fuels it, he has no filter.
Well, that's a sad start of the month 😀
!!DNI IF IN RECOVERY!! TW
I just want anyone to notice that somethings wrong, but instead they're cheering me on, telling me to go on.
Breakfast: green tea
Lunch: BINGE too embarrassed to count how many but at least 1000kcal
Total intake: ???
Exercises: 15min for abs (approx 50kcal) + 4.5 km jogging (250kcal)
Not great. But I’m happy that at least I worked out a bit so I don’t feel so horribly bad. Sometimes after binge I have very depressing state of mind so I’m glad I found some motivation to at least get a small workout, burn a bit of calories and get that endorphin boost. I really recommend that after you fuck up.
Another day of no sleep starts now 🙄✌🏻
Sleeping is so fucking difficult for me again. Happens for 3 months every year and I hate it.
i want to be so skinny to the point that my future significant other can carry me with ease
i want to be so skinny to the point that i can hug my hands around my stomach and not feel a pillow of disgusting fat
i want to be so skinny to the point that i can say my weight out loud without tearing up
i want to be so skinny to the point that i can jump up and down without feeling my fat pulling me down
i want to be so skinny to the point where i can sit in my room and just stare at my body
i want to be so skinny to the point that i am loved
i want to be so skinny to the point that i am perfect
i want to be so skinny
TW: BULIMIA, ED
I can’t help but throw up.
I eat things I told myself I’ll never eat again. Whenever I hear upsetting news I go to food to comfort me. It never does.
The last few days were amazing and the moment I eat something *unhealthy* or restricted, I completely lose my shit. The rest of the day continues with more food and vomiting.
Why am I putting so much meaning into food? It’s not that (thankfully) I’ve been hunger before. I’ve always feel like a freak for doing that. I feel so disgusted by myself.
mother always said i was confident. out of all her children the most headstrong, even if i were in the wrong. father said i was the bravest, making decisive risks seem natural to me as breathing in each path i undertake. my family thinks me wild but obedient; chasing my dreams unashamedly like they have been my dreamt of goals since i was a little girl.
but i am not.
i never was.
i have been wearing my bravado since i was 8 to keep the bullies away. my firmness in my path despite my knowledge that i may likely fail comes from pride that preserves my spirit when i am put down before i even began. my courage is not courage but merely desperation. i may just as well risk life and limb for adventure, for change, rather than perish never having tasted what is forbidden. but such desperate action takes much consideration that which occurs in the fathoms of the seconds between my response to ridiculous offers. it is never naturally done. i am hardly wild more like an ill groomed creature, given much attempts to be rectified into acceptable and proper behaviour that consistently fail. i am hardly obedient, through my feet trudge the path dictated to me, my heart wonders of the meadows i could've traipsed through. my goals are much different now, as compared to when i was a little girl. gone are dreams of art, literature, music, diplomacy and humanitarian aid to be replaced by medicine and law bound to my homeland and my parent's old patients.
i wish i could recall who that little girl i was.
i wish i could take her away and give her the love she craved, the approval she wanted.
i want her to express herself in other ways besides just eating to fill the void.
i dream of stopping her from pushing the toothbrush down her throat or the pins on her fingers pricking her skin for some any sort of sensation.
i want her to never worry about the money.
i dream that she'd never have affection based on many conditions.
but i also wish she was everything her mother wanted, everything her father thought she was, all the things her brothers needed, and all that is what her family expected. so that maybe it won't hurt as much as it already actually does.
i wish she was who she was, i wish she was better that i am, i hope she is more than i can ever be.
but what can wishes on a blog do, but to wish and wish, into empty open air?
some handspø <3
My friend keeps talking about how she loses weight, i wanna kms
Day 3 : honestly 0% fat but still kinda toned look with visible bones?? fucking dreaaaam I’ve never been underweight enough to have a tinyyyy waist and super flat stomach bc of my body type so it’s defo my goal (also bony wrists and fingers ugh)
Had a nice 25 minute walk til my thighs started chafing and I got dizzy from my withdrawal symptoms. The only reason I know it was cause of my ed was because I binged not even 6 hours ago😓
Some fun things that happened on my walk include:
My dog saw a bunny (very cute also very funny)
We had to walk past other dogs (she of course decided they were friends)
Saw another dog except this time there was no fence and I barely saw the lead so I thought it was going to keep coming
Decided wearing shorts is an awful idea when fat😢
Back to my leggings
Currently I’m eating grapes one at a time cause I didn’t count how many I put in the bowel so I don’t know how many calories. Hopefully it’s pretty low although I grabbed a lot of them😂