food is so bland to me. i don’t know how to describe it
food is so bland to me. i don’t know how to describe it
Day 6 of my fast complete
okay so my mom let me try the box diet🥰🥰 (it’s when you have your meals delivered to your door and you can choose type of diet, food and calorie wise🤩). I think I’ll choose 1200kcal and watch my weight shred off of me 😍😍 it’s actually super convenient too because I don’t think I’ll have time to cook when I starts my uni & job. I got so fat during my trip to Italy, I need to lose it YET AGAIN… I need to be skinny by Xmas so I could be happy…
-i’ve spent countless months
-size xs and xxs
-to finally get a boyfriend/girlfriend
-so my dad can stfu
-so i can be the pretty best friend
-so i’ll be the skinniest friend
-for fall and winter seasons
-for the jealous looks
-for the double takes
-so i can save money
-so i can look good in anything
-so i can be thinspo
-to get asked for tips
-because i’ve given up so many times before and i need to do this for myself just one time
TW ED RANT
Bruh right when I found a good ana coach, my mom has to go and trigger me. She thinks that pointing that I hadn’t eaten all day and then goes on a whole lecture about anorexia will fucking help me. No bitch, its extremally triggering and now I’m more set on losing weight now. I’m completely aware of the fact that starving yourself isn’t healthy but I have an eating disorder and my mindset has been fucked up for a while now.
the process: hungry. ignore. eat. guilt. repeat.
I still believe I don't really have an eating disorder, it's been literal years
Maybe if I get actually skinny I'll feel fucking valid lol
I know the objective truth but it just doesn't feel like truth, you know?
the hold that the skinny, pretty, alt girls on pinterest have on me is unreal
going to eat out with a friend today, put on a cute, fall, rory gilmore esq. outfit but hating my body in it. 🥰🥰
flowers are like the most beautiful, heartwarming and elegant gifts someone could give me
like boys always say that girls are complicated but if someone surprises me with flowers i surely would fall in love with him really fast honestly
"I'm so overwhelmed with the hunger of more. More clothes, more books, more friends. More swings from the bottle, more heartbreak. It rocks me to my core and leaves me feverish. I will never be full. I need more life; i would swallow it whole if i could. I am determined to bleed it dry, to be left panting and satisfied like a dog, blood dripping from the corners of my open mouth. "
-some poems from tiktok
also im currently reading La Dame aux Camélias and its kind of a thinspo idk if that makes sense lol i wanna be as attractive and charming as Marguerite
ok yesterday it was Saturday and i binged cause my parents went to the supermarket so today im gonna eat just one boiled egg and maybe drink diet coke. my aunt is coming at my house today for lunch but idc all of them know that i have problems with eating so whatever:)
I feel so huge today I feel like crying. I put my hand on my arm absentmindedly and it feels so squishy- I haven’t worked out in a week.
My mother was talking about how we are going to the cinema and I almost cried because there’s always snacks and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to face it without having a meltdown in public. It’s two weeks away, it’s fine. I’ll just major restrict until then so that I’m not suspicious on the day. ✨
Tw ed rant///
So yesterday my mom made rice for lunch and I took as much as I usually do, maybe like a spoon or two less and my mom just blew up on me and started yelling at me that I just shouldn’t eat if I’m gonna take so less and stop eating if you’re just gonna eat for me or something and more. Which is great. She’s been yelling at me about this everyday this week and I’m so sick of it.
Yesterday was my birthday and no one remembered. I just stayed in watching. Idek wth I expected but owhhh well🚮. I managed to fast for the whole day till 7 and had a piece of ginger biscuit. Soon I'll be thin and thin will get me noticed. Being noticed will make me feel loved.
tried recovering but I’m back... :))
he'd like me if i was thinner
i keep thinking about how he tried picking me up yesterday and i barely got a foot off the ground, if that. it’s not a big deal and i shouldn’t get upset over it. he’s on the smaller side and we’re both pretty tall. i’m not big by any means, i’m almost considered underweight and like i said im pretty tall so proportionally im gonna weigh more than a shorter girl, but it still has me thinking. im not under 100 pounds like a 5’5” girl or shorter would be. and i kinda don’t like that about myself. i want to feel small sometimes. i want a guy to want to protect me. i want to be light, like a shorter girl would be more capable of achieving. i want it to be easy for him. i want to make things easy for them so they don’t want to leave. and i kinda don’t like that about myself either. why should i care? i don’t know, i guess i just wanna feel cared for and protected. feeling safe is a major thing i want to feel. feeling protected, like nothing, nobody, can hurt me.
also, guy i was talking to for a bit, we’re about to lose our snap streak. on his end, not mine. he’s leaving me on opened, never asking to see me, not calling, not putting in any effort. quite frankly, im done. like, i tried. i shouldn’t have to try. guys naturally pursue, it’s in them to. and he’s not. so whatever, fuck him. im tired of trying to make him want me. he upset me so many times, and i never felt reassured when we had conflict and talked. i always ended up somehow comforting HIM about an issue HE caused. i don’t need to be doing that. he can go find someone else for all i care. probably already has, that’s probably why he stopped all the little small caring things he did for me. it upsets me to even think about him honestly.