ok so ever since school started i’ve really had a hard time, over quarantine i gained back all the weight i lost and more and i told myself i was “recovering” but i always just felt like shit and couldn’t be happy w how i looked and now i’ve basically made myself relapse again and i’m more destined to be skinny than ever, it helps that i’ve been talking to a guy i really like and i want him to like me back so i’m going to look my prettiest for him
This evening with my friends it the best. We played so many games. Like "who am i", or "taboo" and now they're playing Mario Party.
A friend of mine started talking about her current fasting schedule, and she has mentioned issues with food prior this month. But of course her eating one meal a day and fasting for almost 24h is totally fine. And meanwhile I'm sitting there contemplating whether recovery is really worth it...
But it is and I'm just so close to a mental breakdown... it hurts me.
So I had therapy and I was so very anxious after how much my psychologist upset me last session. Apparently I now cry in therapy, after guarding my emotions so fiercely for the best part of a year. Seriously in therapy I'm usually so blank and it feels like I'm reading a shopping list when I speak.
I'm so sure my period is close. I'm having all of the symptoms and everything is emotional and hard to get through. I feel exhausted and weepy and weary and like I've been beaten up. It's all positive though really.
Today I did have a thought of "oh if I go back to doing everything I was a few months ago I can lose soooo much weight very quickly and be really skinny for Christmas" uhhhh no thanks.
Anyway I treated myself to my favourite cupcakes today. It was pretty cool because I had one and I was satisfied? Saved the other one for later? Didn't think about it for the rest of the day? Yeah it feels very cool for my body and appetite to be going back to normal not going to lie
here i am, alive and happy. this is for those of you who need it, because i felt like sharing a little bit of my story as encouragement for those enduring troubling times.
i have spent my entire life suffering from depression, anxiety, insomnia, anorexia, and as of last year, PTSD. yes, my brain chemistry is absolutely fucked, i'm aware. i attempted suicide years ago, and have come close to a repeat of that on multiple occasions. i never thought that things would get better, i had myself convinced that life was nothing more than never-ending turmoil. that my brain was truly beyond repair.
but here i am.
i have my own apartment in the city, shared with my two wonderful rabbits; beatrix and oats. i have a fantastic job that i absolutely love and to be honest, i'm damn good at it too. i'm in love with the most amazing man who loves me right back. he's got the curliest jet black hair and he's a talented musician (and he even writes songs about me!!) i don't have many friends, but i love the few that i do. i live within walking distance of a cute little park with a fountain and coffee shops and there's even a pizza parlor right across the street from my building! and best of all, according to my five year old selfs daydreams, i have access to a fire escape from my apartment window!
sure, i'm pretty broke. school stresses me out. i've got about 5 parking tickets i have yet to pay. the man with the jet black hair who i'm very much in love with, we had broken up last year after going through a really difficult time. my laundry desperately needs to be folded and put away. i'm facing the late onset of PTSD evoked by childhood abuse that i wasn't even aware of until last year. i struggle with the way i look sometimes. somedays i cannot get manage to get myself out of the brain fog. i'm not going to lie and say that my life has just turned around and everything is easy now, that's not the case and it never will be. I am mentally ill. my brain simply doesn't function in the way that it should. life will be trying, it will be overwhelming. it may even feel like i can't bare to go on at times.
but i will tell you this; despite the horrors brought upon by my mental health throughout my life, i am so happy to be alive. i am so happy that i wasn't successful with my suicide attempt. there is so much beauty and so much love in this life that it has turned from something appalling to something alluring. i want to experience it all, i want to get lost in amazing books, i want to learn chemistry and french and ballet and how to play the piano and how the immune system works!! i want to be a doctor for christ sakes! the things that make up this beautiful world are never ending and there's always something new to dive into! i want to be around for it, and i hope that all of you out there struggling reach this point too. i know for a fact that you can.
do not fall into the trap of thinking that recovery from mental illness = a cured brain with no regression. you will relapse, you will hurt, things will be hard. to say otherwise is bullshit. but there is so much more to life than that pain, and i promise you it is worth it to stick around for.
find a therapist that specializes in the issues you're facing, seek medical treatment from a doctor and/or psychiatrist, holistic medicine if that's more up your alley, get exercise, drink water, eat healthy, take care of yourself, hang out with your friends, talk about the things that are causing you pain (i cannot stress this enough!! i would go as far to say that this one is the most important of all), delve into new hobbies that interest you (and don't strive for perfection!! just enjoy the act itself), pursue your dreams as difficult as they may seem to attain, stop giving a damn what others think about you, read your favorite books, watch your favorite movies, listen to music, romanticize your life, watch the dogs at the dog park. whether it's the things listed here or things that you come up with on your own, fucking do whatever it is that you need to do in order to be happy. with mental illness, that's easier said than done, but you need to force yourself to do it for as long as you need to. in the long run, you will feel so much better.
please seek the help that you need, life is beautiful, and i can assure you that you won't regret sticking around.
last but not least, here is a link to a playlist of youtube videos i watch when i'm feeling down. it honestly helps me when i feel sad, so i thought i'd share it. i'm constantly adding to it whenever a video makes me laugh to the point of tears.
welcome to the first blog, i hope you feel safe here!
i’ve decided to make this after deliberating on it for a while, to use writing as a tool that could help me and also anyone else out there who may need it. this blog is designed to follow the hardships –but equally the positives– of eating disorder recovery.
disclaimer: i am in no way a professional when it comes to this. i am not a doctor, or a dietician, nor do i have any qualifications that entitle or enable me to give accurate medical advice. if you’re struggling, it is always best to reach out to a professional (we’ll talk about this later) and can therefore give you the help you need.
so, to start!
i wanted to give a brief introduction to help you understand what this is and what i’ll mostly be writing about. really i just want to recount my experience with recovery in an effort to help other people who may feel alone, and hopefully maybe inspire some to take on recovery themselves.
when i followed accounts such as these i thought i was doing it to recover. i watched ‘what i eat in a day’ videos, ones that i thought were realistic to my behaviour pre-eating disorder, and i thought it was part of my recovery, watching videos of other people eating was –what i thought– a way of distinguishing the guilt i felt from eating. if other people ate it, it proved that nothing bad could happen. however, what i was really doing was feeding my mental hunger: i was ‘eating’ vicariously through other people, rather than feeding myself and taking recovery on the chin.
the reason i’m mentioning this is because, if this is you, do not feel inclined to read this blog. do not think that this is enough. reassess your recovery and determine whether it is actually helping you. if you are not taking action, you cannot get better.
and if you have no idea what your recovery is/should be, that is fine. more than fine. even i don’t know yet what is right for me; i am not fully recovered, and have a long way to go. if you, too, have a long way to go, or are in a different part of your journey, you are welcome here, anytime.
me and my eating disorder
this year i was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. after almost a year of restriction and subsequent low mood and fatigue, both mentally and physically, it was inevitable for me to reach out for help.
i spoke to my family; it came after heartbreaking depression and bereavement, after built-up resentment between me and my family, after being so physically neglected that i struggled even to get up the stairs. all these factors were my anorexia manifesting itself into my reality. it very, very quickly became more than the small thoughts inside my head. yes, eating disorders are mental illnesses, but they are deadly, and are not just “all in your head.” i found out soon that they affect everything. family, friends, school, your well-being, all these things are what your eating disorder wants to destroy.
my grandad passed away in 2020, and, as a response, i turned to food for comfort. this bred an unhealthy relationship between me and food. i depended on it to make me feel better, and when it didn’t, i tried harder for it to do so. i felt guilty, and it perpetuated into a ceaseless routine of restriction, forming a perception that some foods were ‘good’ and others ‘bad.’ at my worst, all food was ‘bad,’ and i ate nothing at all. i went hours without eating, full days at school running on nothing but water until i got home and survived off one meal. the worst part was, i felt immensely proud of this fact. my anorexia made me believe the fatal prolonged periods of restriction was a good thing.
what came from it though, really? maybe, admittedly, a brief sense of pride and achievement. but also? depression, irritability, a compulsive obligation to exercise (even if i physically couldn’t), being cold all the time, fatigue, constipation, low heart rate, potential liver damage, and possible damage to my reproductive system.
and all these things i didn’t realise i was doing to myself. not until i was diagnosed, not until i was having blood test needles jabbed into me like i was a voodoo doll.
frankly, i turned around and my anorexia was like:
but then i entered recovery! and, i know it’s cliche, and said all the time, but it really was the best decision i ever made. and it’s said all the time, by everyone, because it’s true.
recovery can be hard, it can be frustrating and annoying and make you want scream the roof down, but it is also the most beautiful thing in the world. feeling yourself regain control of your body, seeing the way it impacts your family, being able to get up the stairs! all these things are worth it. yes, i find times hard, and in no way am i fully recovered, but i would never go back to the way i was living before deep in my anorexia.
i hope that’s given some insight into how eating disorders can affect someone, and helped someone feel less alone.
as important as being honest about the tribulations of eating disorders and recovery, it is equally as important to document the wins and challenges you overcome. there are no small accomplishments, anything that actively works to break down the walls that an eating disorder has built around you is revolutionary. if you’ve done something to overcome your challenges, well done! if you’re not there yet, you have got this.
to prove it! i went out for food yesterday with my friends. this is something i, months ago, would have never, ever considered. not only had my anorexia stopped me from doing this due to my fear of food, but also it had made me distance myself. i didn’t want to be around anyone else; i felt no one understood me, i felt a burden, and simply was too depressed to think about going out and being able to enjoy myself. this trapped me in a vicious cycle of isolation, which just fuelled my anorexia, and my eating disorder was winning.
but then, yesterday! i went out to a restaurant, i ate a challenging food, and i had fun with my friends! the thought of food only occupied a small percentage of my headspace, because of course i was worried and nervous – i’m human!
but, to be prepared, i had
looked at the menu online beforehand
chosen options i was comfortable with, but still pushed myself to have something i wanted, not my anorexia
ensured i had a back-up option, just in case
expressed my concerns to a friend when i felt overwhelmed and apprehensive
this meant that when i got there i was able to have a good time. sure, there were some things i wasn’t comfortable doing yet, but i know that in time that will come, and that didn’t diminish the achievement i made that day.
anorexia forced me to shut myself away. yesterday i broke that, and i will continue to break that, because a life with anorexia is not a life i want to live.
I started gaining weight in grade 7 and thought it was normal because everyone was; just puberty. But then I didn't think it would stop; kids were commenting on my weight, saying I should lose a few (pounds). I listened. I started cutting because I was "fat" and "ugly". OR SO I THOUGHT.
Then I started to starve myself. I wanted to be skinny and beautiful. My view was already distorted and I didn't notice myself getting too thin. I started getting dizzy a lot, not being able to run for long periods of time and wanting to faint in sunlight. It got a bit out of hand. I didn't care. I didn't notice. I was 13 and trying to be beautiful.
My parents found out that summer. I told my therapist about the cutting and they took me to the hospital. My mom described my eating habits to the doctor on call. Told them I was gone early and home late, claiming to have eaten at school. My mom worried about me. Told me my legs were looking too skinny now. I was unhealthy.
Now I'm in recovery but trying not to. It's been hard for me but I'll get there. I'm just giving up.
this has to be one of the worst takes ive ever seen also. like idfk <- ex disordered. i haven't specifically gained or lost that much weight since i started recovering. i am still bordering on underweight but like now im Actually eating and not torturing myself in a cycle of restricting & binging & gaining and losing the same 10 kgs i have a somewhat stable weight now and so on and so forth like. it's just weird to say this imo. ppl w eds can be any weight...? and ppl w/o them too like there's no specific look for anorexics (and this is a point of debate even within ed havers but. It's a behavioral disorder that is all.) or for healthy ppl. i wonder if i worded this well....
#some anon said this person might be projecting and honestly? agreed #anyways ive been almost institutionalized over my weight AFTER recovery multiple times #and no one actually suspected i was struggling before then #im sure a bunch of ppl w eds can relate to no one caring unless youve reached a ridiculous bmi #regardless of if youve hit rock bottom or not...hell i was at the worst point of my ed at a healthy weight. #so this take....? terrible. truly. #/#ed mention#disordered eating #etc etc etc