homestly …. yes, i am laying in the sun in a bikini. yes, i feel very insecure. damn no, i am not gonna leave. because fuckkk it. so over hiding in big tees and feeling uncomfortable, and i have to say, the whole self-acceptance thing is working? there is a bit of progress already, oh yes. and about food? can’t stop my brain from counting calories and making me feel like pure shit after i ate anything, but i CAN eat what i like and get enough to nourish my body most of the time. progress. not gonna let this slip again, it feels too good.
Yesterday I finally told my parents about my eating disorder.
I am not happy. No number on a scale will ever make me happy. It’s true when they say you don’t only lose weight - but yourself. I got angry and purposefully said harmful things to people I care about only to get eaten up by guilt afterwards.
Instead of setting a low, possible lethal weight goal I want to keep up my food diets with a training plan. You can’t gain muscles if there is no fat to burn.
Feeling how I gained physical strength makes me happy. When lifting a dumbell gets easier when I can do more push ups, when I can run for longer periods. This is what makes me happy. Achieving something that makes me feel better and more comfortable in my own body.
I am lucky I told someone before it was too late. I need something to hold on to and someone to remind me what this could be.
I know I might fall back into these habits again but I also know what to do to stop myself.
A little bit different of a post tonight but I felt proud and was hoping to share a success story!!!
My sister is my biggest support in my ARFID recovery process and we decided to do a weekly cook night where we cook things I’ve never tried before and then try them (even if it’s a small bite on my part). Tonight was our first try and I decided on potatoes. It seemed like a good intro food because I love fries and chips, but never potatoes. I found a bunch of recipes with ingredients I’m already comfortable with: butter, garlic, olive oil, parsley, etc. I was super nervous when it came to actually trying them, but I eventually did, and I didn’t even feel like I was going to gag. They weren’t my favorite in terms of texture, but I liked some of the flavors, and I think I would for sure try them again. What was super nice about doing it with my sister was that we made it into a fun expirience with cooking and experimenting with recipes and I felt like that relieved a lot of my anxiety around the food. An added bonus was that she ate what I couldn’t, so I didn’t have to feel guilty about wasting anything !
Just can’t stress how WILD eating disorders are. So when I admitted I was extremely dehydrated and I’m on a very rigid fluid plan with gatordate and boost breeze to replenish everything— literally today was the first day I even had a glass of actual water. But it’s crazy because yesterday I missed breakfast for a reason and then got to eat it outside but the Gatorade wasn’t brought to me and I almost passed out outside after eating the meal and the nurse had to come. I told my dietician that I don’t know if it’s in my head but the homeostasis my body is trying to create around adequate fluid intake is so fragile that one missed Gatorade/boost breeze at a meal/snack throws my vitals wack all over again. With all of this said, I guess I’m grateful to have such objective information right now that’s helping me start the recovery process again. I’ve done recovery without vitals like this, and I want to say that the severity of an eating disorder is not based on weight/vitals/labs/ekg, but right now— right now for me… this is what’s helping me keep going. I’m so blessed to have the lead dietician of this program who doesn’t see other clients. She currently has all my trust at the moment. It’s hard but it’s good.
met mum for morning tea this morning 🍪☕️ our relationship has been strenuous to say the least throughout childhood & into adulthood, but accepting and acknowledging that your parents are imperfect people, just like everyone else, and therefore make mistakes just like the rest of us, is part of moving on. i don’t subscribe to the notion of ‘forgiving and forgetting’, but rather giving myself the apologies i need to move on, and grow beyond it. there have been many, many times my mums attitude towards food has dictated mine, but just because she may have not acknowledged or is in denial of her disordered eating, doesn’t mean she isn’t suffering because of it too. sympathy goes along way, grudges don’t.
solids are becoming harder & harder again, it’s all too familiar, i’m trying to fight my head but i’m loosing. waiting in this limbo waiting for a bed on the specialist clinic is torturous and my heads giving me hell about this admission. i know i’ll never feel ‘sick enough’ but it doesn’t stop the thoughts bombarding me. i just want to be past this, i really do, but i can’t describe it, it’s like a security blanket that’s killing me…
Day 1 of YWA 30 days of yoga - I didn’t want to work out today. I was gonna make myself go do some big walk to try to burn a few calories. Had a session with my dietician this morning where we talked about setting timers to remind myself to eat, staying present in eating (maybe setting a 5min timer to stay off social media while I prepare and begin eating my meal), and making backups in case I don’t like the sound of the food that I planned to eat (for instance, I plan on eating leftovers for lunch, but when lunchtime rolls around, leftovers no longer sound good).
I thought it might be a good idea to try to challenge my notion of staying present in other areas of my life, so I started on the 30 day YWA playlist. She seems really sweet and genuine, and I know I’ve used her videos before, so I hope I’m able to stick with it. Today when asked to set an intention for the day’s practice, I chose reconnecting with my body. I’m gonna go shower and try to ride that intention to tomorrow’s practice.
I’ve been feeling sad, anxious, and overwhelmed. Not because of one specific world event, but all of them combined. I miss my brother, who is Active Duty National Guard. I miss my eating disorder that I so heavily relied on during times like these. I miss my job. Things are changing. And I am trying to adjust to those changes.
I just got two cute new shirts in the mail I ordered from Romwe (I know it’s bad to order from sites like that, I’m just poor and can’t go to thrift stores because of Covid) and I posted on Insta wearing a crop top! It felt really good to say “f*ck it” to my body issues and post it. It was to my spam account though, so I guess it doesn’t really matter, but it was a nice feeling. The top was fuzzy and white with an pretty embroidered butterfly, and I paired it with a black leather jacket and distressed black jeans. I’m actually pretty proud of myself, I looked cute for once
my blog isnt dedicated to this, i just post images of myself and things that calm me
im “in recovery” but not really I say this bcus im in therapy and thats the type time im supposed to be on right now but i be relapsing like a mf because I still want to lose weight bc im still not happy w my body so in my mind its like a constant right from wrong battle AnYwAys
I just want to be able to talk to more people so plz hmu :)
10 weeks ago, I didn’t think I’d be alive right now. I didnt want to be alive right now. I thought if I was somehow alive, I’d be in treatment. I made huge changes, mostly on my own. I’m allowed to not be 100% yet, I’m allowed to still struggle, I’m allowed to still be tired. I’m allowed to take my time to heal. I’m allowed to need help.