“I am obsessed with becoming a woman comfortable in her own skin.” - Sandra Cisneros

I’m starting to document the moments when I feel good, when I wake up and my body is not my enemy. I document those moments so that on the days when I look in the mirror and the voices around me tell me I am disgusting-ugly-hideous and my instinct is to hide under the covers away from the world, I can remember. And this is what I want to remember: the feeling of aliveness when I sway through an empty house singing along to my ukulele, the light in my eyes that wasn’t always there, and the sense of self that comes with feeling at home in your body. I want to remember the ease of the laughter on these days and the way my voice sounds when I’m talking to beloved friends on the phone. I want to remember my body as a friend. So if it seems like I post pictures of myself often, it’s because I do. Because I want to remember.

Sometimes my mind is just mean and it shouts at me a lot.

Just because it’s loud doesn’t mean it’s true.

I do not haven’t to listen.

I have therapy today and I’m not exactly sure what I want to say. There’s so much swirling around and I can’t make sense of anything at all.

I’m afraid she’s mad at me but I have no logical reason for it.

today was such a good food/body day! listened to my hunger & fullness cues, listened to taste preference, had variety, and took a nice walk.

i did slip a little mentally and re-downloaded myfitnesspal for like 10 minutes🙄which was dumb as hell. and just made me want to use behaviors and ruin my good day. but i deleted it and moved on.

did dishes and took a shower. didn’t do anything else. should have done homework but im tired and my hands hurt (UGH) not enough to stop me from doing stuff but its just annoying. but mostly im tired.

gonna focus and do hw tomorrow.

soooooo exhausted. its 55 degrees outside so im trying to convince myself to get out. 12+ hours of sleep is enough. i just feel SO TIRED

reminder that being sick is not your fault but getting better is your responsibility

Food is hard.
Recovery is harder.

Remind yourself that it’s worth it.

see here is my problem: I’m trying to eat more, but I LOVE eating my veggies and I often fill up on those. so I always eat so many veggies (and want more) but then get really uncomfrotable full and shameful for eating so much food because you have to eat a lot if you also want to eat a lot of veggies. like the guilt around eating a lot of veggies has been high lately.. like i feel like I eat too much in general (like in volume I eat a lot), even if it’s not a lot of calories in general. Then I feel like invalidated in some way when people tell me I eat a lot because I want to shake them and tell them I AM UNDEREATING AS IS NAD YOU DON"T REALIZE THAT YOU TELLING ME THAT I EAT A LOT ONLY MAKES ME WANT TO EAT LESS WHICH IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT I NEED TO BE DOING. idk idk I wish that I could be satisfied with a reasonable amount of food and/or not feel so uncomfortable and/or have people realize that it is not their place to tell me that I eat a lot! because the reality is that isn’t true!!! ugh

Breaking 2 ED rules despite the fact I’ve had a shit morning. Medium instead of small drink and 2 meals out in a day. Kicking ass.

So if you are a personal blog or a blog that’s blogs about your life, fitness, school, random happenings, reblog and I’ll check you out

I’m getting so good at injecting myself now, 2 weeks ago I’d have ran screaming but now I’m pretty calm. I’ve never been so relieved to be home either. I had a home cooked roast by my lovely mummy and it was so great to help her out and stuff even if I am kind of useless since I can’t reach any of the cupboards from my chair. this is all temporary though and I need to remind myself of that and just keep swimming.

I’m considering going vegan, and for the first time of the many many times I’ve considered it it feels 100% not disordered. For right now I think I’m just going to try to replace all the things I still regularly use animal products in, like buying vegan cheese, ice cream, and egg replacements and looking for vegan stuff when buying baked goods or at Starbucks. Idk whether I will completely cut out animal products right now especially when eating out or with friends because I don’t know if I’m thee yet, but I want to start to do more for my aminal pals.
Big big big thank you to theblondeyogini dreamin-realities and goodvibes-and-granola for being amazing role models who show me veganism is 10005% not about health or “purity” but for helping animals and the planet. I seriously can’t tell you guys how much you’ve changed my view on going vegan!

As brutal as you were in starving yourself into nothing. Somehow this thought motivates me a lot. 

Self-reminder because thoughts have been louder lately:

Keep reading

• having a BLAST doing gishwhes with my friends! 
• i have already done quite a few things outside of my comfort zone oh my lord
• BUT IT’S SO FUN
• also today i went shopping for outfits for senior pics
• i know that i’ve gained weight. i haven’t stepped on the scale but pants that fit me a month ago don’t fit anymore. i feel so bad about it. honestly if gishwhes wasn’t happening right now idk what would happen.
• shopping was hard. i don’t like how anything looks on me and i had to get bigger sizes than normal /:
• i hate weight ugh why CAN’T IT JUST STAY THE SAME
• sorry for being inactive this week but senior pics and gishwhes are all i’m going to be doing

Looked at meal plans for college, cue anxiety!

224 meals on the value plan, what is that? Is that 2 a day every day? 1 or 2? 3? 3 on weekdays but 1 on weekends? I don’t know. And there ARE dining commons in most residential ares, but am I really going to wake up early for class to go to them, or am I going to have coffee in my room and a couple boxes cereal? Am I going to have time in between classes for lunch or will I find it easier to cope with the stress by skipping? If it’s 10 at night and I’m in the middle of homework will I have a few crackers, some bread I took from the hall on the few times I go there or will I make it all the way out of the dorm to find food? Will I fall back to where I was a year ago and because I’m separated from all of my friends will it get even worse?

She was extremely unhappy I’d lost more weight since October since she’d told me last time I couldn’t lose any more and she wants me to increase oil and fats and increase carbs at every meal and have one protein a day that isn’t plant-based and be x lbs by March and see a therapist. She doesn’t know I’m already seeing my therapist at school so that’s super awkward…

I’m mostly upset about the non plant-based protein because even though I’ll admit I’ve cut down significantly on meat a little because of the ED, I still just do not like eating it because the thought of eating meat grosses me out and I don’t feel good after eating it. I have never been a big meat eater and I don’t think she can just make me eat it when it makes me uncomfortable.  

Of course, my mom was there the whole time chiming in little things she’d noticed me doing and making things worse… what the hell is the point of being 18 when your mom still sits through your entire appointment? 

It’s also hard because I was feeling really good about my progress lately and this was like a slap in the face. I do want to improve but I really need to do it at my own pace, and I feel like I’m being attacked and smothered. I’m just so angry right now… Can I please go back to school now.

and I am gaining and gaining at the moment….constantly….I am also eating much more ( I do not know if it is my body getting back all I restricted over the last years? or a natural reflex of getting winter fat as it is getting cold? or both? )….I know I should be happy about my gain as I need it….I am snacking on so much stuff after my dinner….I mean it is mostly trail mix and pb but huge amounts of it and they are so calorie dense that they are nearly twice the amount of calorie compared to my dinner haha

but on the other side I am so afraid it will never stop and I will just look fat :( 

any advice for me ?

.. is a slice of pizza from yesterday and crushed biscuits w yoghurt.

and yes damn right, my intake yesterday was 7 chocolate biscuits, pizza, juice, a bag of candy and fuckloads of chocolate ice cream.

and I’m alive still.