I really recovered for a month on my own and was totally happy with my body and eating normally (maybe, i don’t know what that is anymore) but then I got the urge to go back to my old habits. Maybe it’s because I stared at myself for too long in the mirror or because it feels no nostalgic to behave and think this way or maybe I saw someone who I thought was beautiful and I wished that I was like them too, or maybe it was because I was never actually recovered, I was still trying to lose weight, maybe it was just a month long period of overeating (some days) which made me gain 6 pounds. Stepping on that scale again made me feel numb, I’ve had these thoughts and behaviors for years and nothing to show for it, if anything I’ve strayed farther from my goal and yet I still try. I don’t know why my brain is acting so irrationally, the whole reason I “recovered” is because I thought about it and I knew I would never reach my goals in a healthy was so that the other aspects of my life wouldn’t suffer. And that’s the whole reason I didn’t think about tumblr and weight loss and my diet, it was for those things that kept me preoccupied. But now that I’ve had a break of distraction, I’m falling back into this terrible cycle. Long story short I was normal for a month, gained 6 pounds, and came back for some reason. I feel lost. Now all I want is to be skinny, I don’t care about anything else other than that but my friends and family. And even then, it’s selfish to say but I’d rather them be worried and be skinny than stay the way I am now. I think I can hide it though, I’ve gotten this far and nobody knows. If you’ve read this far, I’m shocked. I hope this didn’t hurt anyone and I’m definitely not pro ana for anyone but myself.