a little shy
Manchmal möchte man einfach nicht im Zentrum
der Aufmerksamkeit stehen.
Panic! At The Disco - House of Memories (slowed)
so this is my carly ranking. i havent heard anything below Sweet Talker so yeah.
fuck this is dumb but i just gotta get this shit out.
i am so in love with this guy. i am so in love with him. but he rejected me like 5 months ago. i was over him for a bit. then i got to be better friends with him and now i can’t love any other guy.
i love him so so much he is so cute and funny and sweet and a really good guy and i even tried to like another guy and i couldnt.
he and i wouldnt even work out but he is so amazing. even just being friends with him is great but i know its more
I caught kaleidoscope stardust
from a meteor shower.
I placed it inside a little jar,
to remind myself
even when a star has fallen
its ethereal beauty never stops shining.
I wish there was someone who could understand me …
I was talking to three friends and told two of them (to the third one i had already told a few days before) that i found out that my brother is actually my half brother. This was a big reveal that shifted my perspective on my family dynamics and how much i think i know about the world vs how much i actually know. It was kind of a big deal for me…
And one of them just kind of said “i already knew” and i just feel like that’s the shittiest response ever? I wanted to start crying right there. How is it fair that she knew -for years- and i didnt? And why did she have to say that? Couldnt she just act a bit more empathetic and pretend like she didnt knew or say it in a nicer way? And then she immediately changed the subject and asked where some direction was and after my other friends responded she went “oh, sorry, you wanna talk about…that?” Like… obviously, thats why im telling you. This is a big deal for me.
Its not like it changes anything for my relationship with my brother but you have to understand is still a big reveal and apparently it was a secret (her parents told her about it and then asked her to not say anything to me) and the fact that she knew is just unfair and out of her hands, but the factct that she dismissed me? Idk, am i crazy? Im just feeling so bad right now.
I feel guilty, i think it shouldn’t affect me cause nothing changed, but in just crying and frustrated.
The last thing i wanted to hear was “i already knew”
Balance – we burn,
We simmer, we fade, and
Dwindle in the cold of utter dejection
Till our ember’s grasped
By the hands
Carrying tinder; craving
Ignition and the flame with that
Specific flicker which
In a way that makes me think
Of all the times I watched a hearth die
Never realizing I was looking
Into the mirror;
Mine is the fire inside
Put to work, then maintained, or forgotten;
Heat, fuel, to me it’s all worthless
Without you, oxygen.
20-10-2020, M.A. Tempels ©
It sucks because I actually love u and Every time I see u it just makes me want u more. And u dont want me back n it hurts. I cant continue to put myself in this situation because I cant help the fact that I care about you this much.
I need to distance myself for my own good, sanity and personal well being even though I dont want to. Its one of the hardest things ive ever had to do and its killing me. I Wish u loved me.
I thought I could still hang w u n keep it cool n mentally be strong enough to deal with this, with hopes you would actually care about me but I honestly don’t know if I can do it anymore. Its hard to resist you and I hate to lead myself on with the expectations that I have for you. I guess Im selfish for that but I dont feel bad for wanting you.
It sounds awesome tht u said everybody has always wanted you because ive never gotten tht. I dont know if ive ever felt wanted or loved by anyone. Im a giver but im not stupid.
I just want to make you mine, all mine