i dream too much, waiting for better days.
i dream too much, waiting for better days.
I’m not really much of a writer, so the mere attempt speaks, in itself, to the severity of my emotions.
Its been over a year now. Why can’t I forget you? I wish we never met, yet every time we meet I tell myself, “next time will be the last.”
I tell myself I’ve moved on. Hell, I told another person I loved them. But I’m not sure if that was the truth. I dont miss them. I miss you though.
I dont believe in soul mates or fate, but I find myself every night trusting maybe God, the universe, even fate to bring us back together again.
J. You’re my hypocrisy.
Some bridges were meant to be burned. Let them light the way.
I’m better than being your backup plan.
Feeling alone is an emotion unlike any other. It’s extremely frustrating. Especially when you have so many people there for you, who genuinely care and love you. They’re right there in front of you, but you somehow feel so alone that you can’t even gather the strength to speak. You don’t mean to avoid them or make them feel unappreciated. You just can’t help but retreat when this overwhelming feeling washes over you. A darkness if you will. It’s ironic that the only thing we know to do when we’re lonely, is to further isolate ourselves.
Toqué en tu vida lo que nadie más tocó.
Y no hay nada que hacer al respecto.
I’m not sure what’s been up with me lately, but I’ve been crying almost constantly. And it seems to be triggered by even the smallest, most random things. For example. Yesterday I noticed I had two bumps in my mouth that were hurting (I was worried they’re caused by my bulimia, so that’s another stressor. I worry so much about getting mouth cancer or something.). Anyway, I went through today without doing anything about it because by the time I got off of work, I had basically forgotten about it. Well, once I got home, it started hurting again (despite trying my hardest not to make myself throw up). I finally decided to run to the store to get some medicine because the pain was becoming unbearable (moreso in the annoying sense, rather than the actual pain sense). I go to the store and they don’t have what I need, and all of the other stores that would have it are closed already. So as soon as I get back in my car, between the pain of my mouth and just my fucked up brain, I started crying again. And I’m still crying of course. I really don’t know what’s causing it. I just feel like I’m so depressed lately and I’m upset over stupid things, but I can’t help it. I just feel like I need to let out a huge sigh to get this weight off my chest and it would somehow make everything better. Idk.
Stating or expressing how/what you feel, does not always equal what you believe.
Be mindful when listening to others.
I made the mistake of reading back over old messages and seeing the way you used to talk to me, the interest you had and the affection, the way that you pursued me before you very quickly got over me. The last few nights I’ve slept so fitfully, overrun by bad dreams featuring you, and in some way I just can’t get to you, you leave me and come back and leave again, I’m searching for you and can’t find you, or you hate me and want someone else more.
Nothing feels good.
I have to tell myself that you’re really gone and you don’t want me so I can move myself on and get over this, but I keep thinking that since my feelings grew over time, yours must have too, right? Instead of petering off into apathy and bitterness…I keep remembering how things used to be and I find myself painfully missing it, even if it never existed, not really, not for you.
I feel used up, like some quarantine crush just to get you off, pass the time, be there when no one else was, something exciting in the otherwise mundane staying at home, but I wasn’t what you expected was I? You said I was a celebrity in your eyes, a crush you’d had for years, but you didn’t know me the way you do now, and you’ve proven what I always knew, the real me is not lovable. You read my darkest thoughts for seven years but I’m still a real person, I have active feelings and thoughts not on paper, but you were only interested in the idea you had of me, which is why I’m lead to believe you stopped wanting to meet with me face to face at the end, so you could pretend I was the person you had always hoped I would be, and once your real life started up again, you had no more need for me.
I’m sorry I disappointed you so much.
You had the opposite effect on me, because I was expecting nothing. I knew your heart and I felt close to you all this time, but when I saw you that first time…the world stopped and your voice filled my soul, occupying some space that had been empty for a hell of a long time. I couldn’t think or speak, I was so nervous I was shaking, like a train had struck me, and it was clear the heart I had felt connected to for all those years was a heart I actually wanted. I wanted you more the more I got to know you, the more real you became, the good bad and the ugly, I wanted all of you, I was ready for you.
I think you are the most beautiful thing…
It has been seven years since someone has made me feel the things that you do; the affection, the overwhelming care, the attraction, the interest, the connection and comfort, the seemingly effortless effort, the restraint and compassion, the total heart break and sadness, the emptiness and vacancy, the piece of my heart I found that is again missing, the grey film encompassing my emotions, as I realize I made the same mistakes I always have.
I fell for you….
And now I’m at the bottom of the pit trying to collect myself and piece this heart back together so it can heal and I can spend the next few years again pulling myself back out.
It was so fast, so intense, so short, so not fucking worth it.
And as you’ve lost interest in being my friend, putting forth a tenth of the effort you had before, for seven years, I am filled with a self hate knowing, that all of this is now ruined, because you got to know who I really am.
I have never been more ashamed to be me.
Früher hab ich das schlafen geliebt. Im Schlaf hatte ich das Gefühl mein Leben würde nicht auseinander fallen und ich würde Ruhe finden. Mittlerweile trau ich mich nicht mehr einzuschlafen weil mich seit Wochen der selbe träum quält. Ein Traum der sich nach Realität anfühlt. Nur weiß ich nicht ob es ein normaler Traum oder ein Alptraum ist.
Similar emotions trying to contain hurt and anger.
Beren Saat as Fatmagul (2011) & Emilia Clarke as Daenerys (2019)
Bad dreams every night
I can’t seem to get to her
Just like in real life
I say what I mean
I speak honestly
When they do not
I find myself hurt
When they don’t mean
The things they say
When they tell me
And then leave me
Throwing words around