It’s my birthday in a few hours and I have to confess something highly personal in writing somewhere so I can come back to it in the future. This is mainly and plainly for me as a sort of personal, public journal so don’t bother reading (?).
I’ve always considered myself at different ages as different versions of myself, like independent with their own tastes and thoughts. For example, 15yo sordidbask was pretty much a religious zealot, 20yo sordidbask loved punk and was much cooler and the current 22yo sordidbask is the absolute coolest of them all. This past 6 months or so (September to March, spring and summer here in the southern hemisphere) have been pretty much the best of my life. It’s hard to describe but I found myself exactly at the place I wanted to be, I enjoyed pretty much everything everyday, I enjoyed going to college and passing all my tests, I enjoyed the new music I discovered more than any other time in my life, the games I rediscovered and fell in love with like Life is Strange, I went for walks by myself in the heat of spring and summer while listening to music and enjoyed every minute. I’m happy with myself, with who I am and how I got here, I’m becoming the person that deep down I know I want to be, I had good things happen to me, I voted in two different elections and both of my candidates won to replace the ones who were in charge whom I hated, I’ve had a ton of experiences I’m gonna carry with me for the rest of my life, I’ve appreciated every moment with my family, my friends and myself as much as I could. Everything felt right and appropiate. Up until the end of January, I felt truly complete. Truly happy. The highest point of my life.
That said, in a few hours I’ll be 23 years old. And the feelings of nostalgia and melancholy have already taken over. I know I have my whole life ahead of me and good things may be waiting for me or not (idk). But I think the sadness comes from knowing that the most happiness I’ve ever felt most surely won’t happen again. I’ll probably feel whole and happy in the future but never AS whole or AS happy as I’ve felt this past spring and part of the summer. 22yo will take those memories with him and become a ghost in the back of my head and 23yo sordidbask will take his place with a blank slate. In August 2019, I could never have imagined that I was in for the greatest time of my life in September, all the way to January-February. And despite the nostalgia and sadness that my favourite version of myself will soon fade away, the thought that the future is unknowable and an adventure gives me hope. I guess the best thing I can do is to keep going, facing the future, waiting and also actively for happy days. Endure the bad. Enjoy the good. Take lt easy and take life not so seriously.
Happiness often comes when you least expect it and look for it. We almost never see the small things that give life meaning coming and thus almost never care to enjoy them while they last. To enjoy the moment. I’m extremely glad and grateful with myself that I was able to do that for the last couple of months. And I’ll do my best to start off my 23rd birthday by no longer focusing in the past and the things I loved back then; instead, I’ll try to move forward, live in the moment, even if it feels hard as hell sometimes.
The future may be better or worse than the past, either way it’s worth finding out and keep striving for the better so when my time comes I’ll look back at the ride I had with a smile. Life is meaningless and the only meaning to it is what we make of it. It’s a gift we didn’t ask for but it’s too precious and a damn shame to waste. In the end, we’ll most likely go back to the state we were in before we were even born (no state at all, non-existence), we’ve been given a one-in-a-90000000000trillion chance to enjoy life while we can. So let’s do our best to do that.
Thank you, 22yo sordidbask, I’ll never forget about you and I’ll always love you.
Sam and Caitriona
20 ar·bi·trar·y | per·spec·tive 20
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🗣“Speak things into existence..”
Point of View 👥
✨trying to enjoy the outdoors✨
As you do things you enjoy, notice the wide variety of ways you find joy in yourself. As you practice finding joy in yourself, you need less elaborate things to evoke that joyful response. You can enjoy taking a shower or washing dishes. Washing dishes is generally not a joyful kind of thing, but you can feel joy in doing it if you are not consumed with finding misery in the task.
— Zenmister, from the post Enjoy Life
Also, even though it’s only 7:30, I think today’s the day I have the epiphany that I should start taking care of myself. Like, I take care of myself, but…..
My day usually goes:
Right, but you caught the part where I said I’m trying to be an MUA, right? And you missed the part where I said I practice?
Lol no you didn’t because I usually don’t take time to. I also don’t take time to do the other crafty things I can and want to because I’m busy. But I’m young.
So I’ve decided to show down and enjoy things. My business isn’t going anywhere. In fact, taking time to do other things might even help!
So the point is; take time to do the things you love while you can before you look up at 50 and realize you have dreams and aspirations that were achievable, but you were busy.
I’m just trying to undertsand……