I’ve been thinking a lot today about what I would do if I could go back in time. I picked out a few places that I would want to go back to, knowing what I know now, to start over again. I would go back to the start of university or maybe the last year of secondary school. I even considered what would happen if I just went right back to the start, an entirely clean slate. This is all I’ve been thinking about today but it’s taken me until now to realise that even if this was possible, it wouldn’t change anything. I would still have the same family, the same childhood, the same brain imbalances. I can’t change the past. I’m not going to try twist this into a positive “but I can change the future!” kinda narrative because I genuinely don’t know if I can change the future. I just think that it’s interesting that no matter what choice I made in life I feel like I was always going to end up here. I was always meant to be this damaged I guess.
I can almost feel it—motherhood, parenting, being a family and such. I know it will be hard because hundreds of moms have been telling me that over and over again ever since I got pregnant 😅 Even my mom had continuously reminded me and my two siblings when we were young that raising us had been difficult. Since the beginning of time, our society has been scaring and promising us that if you ever become a parent there will be sleepless days/nights, non-stop diaper changing, difficult potty training while living with a crying newborn, terrible-TWO, THREEnager, FOURnado and so on.
So now, I am TERRIFIED. It’s funny that when I was younger, I thought didn’t want to be pregnant because I heard it will hurt a lot to give birth, but now I fear more of failing as a future parent. I can’t help it. My husband and I were used to being alone, then we got married and got used to being just the two of us and now soon we will be three. Oh no no no. I thought I could never love any other human being as much as myself and my husband because I’m selfish like that (yeah what a promising “future parent” quality).
Another thing—I am EXCITED. I never knew I would be. Few months after we got married it was like something inside me snapped and said “hey, maybe having a baby won’t be too bad”. So I started imagining my husband and I with a tiny human so innocently hugging and kissing us all the time. It felt so beautiful. For a while, my mind just focused on cute baby faces and forgot all of the reasons why I didn’t want to be a parent (before) in the first place. Then suddenly, “crazy me” told my husband that I thought I was now ready to get pregnant and have a baby. He, being as supportive as he has been since the day we met, agreed immediately. Well, he asked a bit if I am sure then he said “Okay, so you want to start trying for it tonight?” 😆
So after a month, we found out I was pregnant. To be honest I didn’t think it will be that fast. I thought we would keep on trying for months. I still feel guilty when I think of how I fet that day, but here it is. I sometimes read or watch videos about other people’s reaction of so much happiness when they see THE two red lines that they even tear up while hugging each other or jump with excitement. And then there I was staring into space and thinking to myself—“OH NO, WHAT HAVE WE DONE?”
My husband on the other hand was saying “Oh my God! I knew it! Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!” while holding the two positive pregnancy tests in his hands just staring at it then to me, then back to it again. I wasn’t really sure if he was happy or also thinking the same way as I am inside. But after saying “Oh my God” a thousand times, he finally calmed down and told me “Let’s tell everyone else!”
He started telling his brothers and sisters and then his parents. Everyone was really excited and happy for us. I was speechless but after some time I realized that I was also feeling the same way—a bit shocked and questioning myself if I really wanted it, but deep inside I was happy. I made this moment happen with the person that I love the most and God would not have allowed this if it is not good for us. He knows it’s time.
For months, my husband loved telling people that I’m already pregnant. I knew he has also tried to wrap his head around it for a while but he handled it well. I have a lot in common with him but one thing is different—he has this always “super chill” attitude while my mind is always a mess. I still struggled a lot for a few months to accept the fact that it happened too soon. I know we planned it but it feels different and overwhelming when you are already in the situation that is about to change your life forever. Sometimes I feel (and still do) that maybe we are not ready yet, but that is just me being me. I worry a lot about the future—an overthinker as they say.
During the end of my second trimester I began to fully accept that this will be our life now. I loved my pregnancy journey and I still do. Thank God I have minimal to no symptoms throughout the whole nine months. My husband has also been really supportive and I believe that this has made our bond even stronger than before. He has been more caring and loving and I feel really greatful. I couldn’t have done this without him. I really enjoyed and cherished every time I feel our baby move inside my belly. It’s amazing. If I am to explain it to my pre-pregnant self right now, she would not have understood it. I am really glad I have the chance to experience it. I never believed that a love for a mother and the unborn child can really exist, but it does. I already love him even if I haven’t seen or hold him yet. It took me a while to adjust, but here I am waiting and willing to share my selfish self to the baby boy who will soon change our lives forever for the better. This is God’s plan. I know that it will be difficult but I trust and pray that He will guide us every step of the way. ❤️
The problem with people is that they either talk too much, or they don’t talk at all. They lock it up inside themselves and let the internal warfare multiply and desiccate. A lot of people would talk, I suppose, but it’s sometimes easier to be the person people think you are rather than admit the truth. This isn’t a piece about hidden emotion, mental illness, grief, madness, sadness. It’s one piece of advice. At some point in everyone’s life, we all look around ourselves and realize that we are not in the right room anymore; it’s then the decision whether to stay, or to go. Sometimes we cry out for people to find us shelter. Shelter from mundanity, organized depravity, politics, the electricity bill, your children been bullied at school, your husband and that other woman. We cry out for love, and happiness. We cry out for sadness. We cry out for emptiness. But don’t lie when you know you shouldn’t. Lies destroy everything. They spiral and multiply until you’ve gone so far you can’t remember where you started. And it will always come back to haunt you. That first untruth…it will bring your house of cards tumbling down. Above us is only sky, and, from that, extended Universe. The original production. Have you ever bore witness to acorns falling from the trees and to the ground below, making an immensely hazardous flood for the elderly, people on bicycles, and small children, and the flood of them in the forests, been watered, and soaking into the soil below. Becoming a new Acorn tree, or becoming compost? The entertainment of natural rebirth, recycle, disintegration, becoming. A lot could be learned…from the height of acorns. Everyone is damaged. Somewhere, some part of them. It’s a side affect of a little thing called “life”. Human beings are made to live and love…and suffer immensely in sometimes not-so-equal portions. Family meetings, “Time To Part”, What Our Once-Small Human Beings Are Now Up To As Difficult, Uptight, Ignorant, Know-It-All-Know-Nothing, Problematic, and A-Tiny-Bit-Disturbed Adolescents, Wedding Joys, and Money Matters; we all have it. All these episodes, all of this time. Trust me. It sounds typical to say, but time does go quick. I know better than anyone, having wasted the last twelve years of my life. I talked yesterday about a poem talked about at funerals; the two dates on a gravestone. Your birth, your death, and in-between, that little dash. The dash that sums up everywhere you’ve ever been; every breath, every kiss. Every meal. Soon, you’ll find, everything goes so fast, and that little dash is now it. Everything is irretrievably gone.
Give a subject to talk about/ give me a subject to cry about/ give a subject to laugh about/ give a subject to love about/ give me a subject to read about/ my heart as an endless mileage/ my childhood in film complication/ picking thru the film vintage/ Polaroids have me in tears/ looking back how I’ve grown in years/ mama keep a scrapbook was I was an infant/ getting hold by grandma/ and sitting on my mothers lap/ when she gave birth the same place/ I was born at/ sitting across the table eating food with my dad/ New Jersey is where I was I establish at/ had pictures of snow with my aunt and uncle/ never threw a snowball/ never made a snow angel/ my mind carries rounds of nostalgia/ no place like home/ I started off a cell/ an embryo/ mixing all 23 chromosomes/ is that why my dad was in rehab and never came home/ to invested into that drug life/ years later I invest myself into his life/ weed heals the pain away/ it don’t matter how high you are you’ll never see them heaven gates/ in the living room grandfather sing alongs to Marvin Gaye/ family arguments it’s like entering the eye of the hurricane/ windowpane/ hides the scares mile away/ bruises and wounds you can see even in close range/ when it rains that’s when I can’t sleep/ feel like bullets ricochet my bedroom window feel like bullets to me/ a child had to learn to make something to me/ music is my only peace/ it’s meditation once I put on these headphones an artist is like a teacher he’s talking to me/ you playing hide and seek/ what’s good to hide a personality that God sees/ I rip art family trees/ feel like like Moses parting seas/ don’t bring wine unless it’s red/ wear a bulletproof vest/ at night cause I’m afraid I might get shot in my sleep/ Rest In Peace/ Give a subject to talk about/ give me a subject to cry about/ give a subject to laugh about/ give a subject to love about/ give me a subject to read about/
But the mercy of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear Him, and His righteousness unto children’s children, to such as keep His covenant, and to those that remember His commandments to do them. — Psalm 103:17-18 | Third Millennium Bible (TMB) Third Millennium Bible, New Authorized Version, Copyright 1998 by Deuel Enterprises, Inc. All rights reserved.