Hey, y’all this is my first public screenplay. I had to fix formatting to fit this platform. So that’s why this is so long. This is heavily inspired by bat family art work I’ve seen. I’ll be posting more under #Bat Fam Shorts. I hope you enjoy!
INT. Batcave Conference area - day
BATMAN (38), wearing his uniform, is at the head of a long table holding a clip board. Seated around the table are his kids in full uniform. Starting with Batman’s right is BLACK BAT (13). The rest of the right side are SPOILER (15), RED ROBIN (15), SUPERBOY C.K. (Conner Kent) (15), ORACLE (21), and RED HOOD (18).
On Batman’s immediate left is NIGHTWING (22). The rest of the left side are RAVEN (17), SUPERBOY J.K. (Jon Kent) (10), ROBIN (12), an empty chair, and THE SIGNAL (16). ALFRED PENNYWORTH (74) stands behind Batman and to the side. Batman flips a page on his clip board.
BATMAN: Alright, before we start this meeting. I’m gonna take roll call. Nightwing?
Nightwing waves his hand. He has a big smile.
Oracle is ferociously typing away at her laptop. She doesn’t look up.
BATMAN: Dammit, Barbara. No coding at the table.
ORACLE: I’m not coding.
Oracle turns her laptop to show the family.
ORACLE: I found dog memes.
Nightwing, Spoiler, and The Signal coo with delight and cheer. Damian nods and politely claps.
BATMAN: Settle down.
The table is still a flurry with chatter.
BATMAN: I said quiet!
At that, everyone silences.
BATMAN: No technology at the table. And that goes for you too, Red Robin.
Red Robin looks up from his machine he’s building.
RED ROBIN: But, Bruce, technology is what I’m here for!
BATMAN: Yes, for patrols, not at the table. No technology or weapons at these meetings.
He glares at Red Hood and Robin who put their swords and guns away. Superboy C.K. leans over to Red Robin.
SUPERBOY C.K.: I guess Batman really does have no chill.
BATMAN: Conner, what the hell are you doing here? You’re Superman’s kid.
SUPERBOY C.K.: So’s Jon.
He points to Superboy J.K.
BATMAN: I promised Lois, I would babysit him while she’s at work. Nevertheless, this meeting pertains to my kids, only.
SUPERBOY C.K.: Then, what’s Raven doing here?
He points at Raven who is reading a book.
BATMAN: She dresses in dark clothing and is named after a bird. She is practically one of my own.
RAVEN: My mind and soul are constantly at odds with the sinful temptation of my father’s tainted siren’s call.
BATMAN: Yeah, good for you, dear. Let me see… Black Bat?
Black Bat signs to him.
She rolls her eyes and signs with bigger gestures.
BATMAN: Thank you!
He looks to Spoiler.
BATMAN: And you are?
Batman looks to her confused.
SPOILER: You know? I was originally your Robin…Batgirl.
BATMAN: Oh. What was your name? Sarah?
Spoiler shakes her head.
BATMAN: No? Sally? … No. Susan!… No. No. It’s Scarlet!
SPOILER: It’s actually Steph-
BATMAN: Wait. I got this. It’s Samantha.
Spoiler sighs in frustration.
SPOILER: Sure. Whatever.
Batman looks back to his list.
THE SIGNAL: Here.
ROBIN: Here, Father.
RED HOOD: You’re gonna want to keep the meeting short, Bruce. Or it’s gonna cut into his nap time.
ROBIN: Did you really need to stoop that low?
RED HOOD: Only to get to your eye level.
Some of the bat kids snicker at this. Robin fumes.
ROBIN: You’re the burst appendix of this family, Todd!
Red Hood mockingly pats Robin on the head.
RED HOOD: Aw! Is that your first big word, little guy?
Robin fumes and pulls out his sword. He points it at Red Hood. Superboy J.K. holds him back.
ROBIN: How about I rearrange your organs, imbecile?
RED ROBIN: Guys, maybe now’s not the-
RED HOOD and ROBIN: No one asked you, Drake!
Oracle turns her laptop with a youtube video towards the boys.
ORACLE: Why fight, when you can see these two puppies wrestle?
Nightwing excitedly points to Alfred. He jumps up and down in his seat.
NIGHTWING: And Alfred’s making us cookies later, right?
ALFRED PENNYWORTH: I’m sorry, Master Dick. But I believe that the behavior of your brothers indicate that the bat kids do not deserve cookies.
Nightwing’s lip quivers. Tears roll down his face. He flops his upper body onto the table and cries.
NIGHTWING: No cookies? What is life worth, anymore?
Without looking up from her book, Raven pats Nightwing on the head.
RAVEN: There there. Who’s the big bird?
Nightwing sniffles then calms down a little.
NIGHTWING: I’m the big bird.
RAVEN: Yes, you are.
The Signal does a sharp intake.
THE SIGNAL: If you’re the big bird, then Sesame Street’s really gone downhill.
The other bat kids but Raven and Nightwing laugh at this. Batman bangs his fist on the table.
BATMAN: Can’t we have a semblance of order at just one of these meetings?
The FLASH (35) superspeeds into the scene. He looks at Batman paniced.
FLASH: Batman, what’s the emergency?
BATMAN: Flash, how good of you to finally show up. You’re late for our meeting.
FLASH: What meeting?
NIGHTWING: The meeting with the bat kids.
Flash looks at the group confused.
FLASH: Whoa whoa! Bruce, I’m not one of your kids.
BATMAN: Don’t be ridiculous.
FLASH: Dude, we’re almost the same age.
Batman glares at Barry.
BATMAN: Bartholomew Henry Allen, do you want to be grounded?
Flash runs and sits in the seat between Robin and Signal.
FLASH: No, sir!
Batman looks wide eyed at his list. He looks around paniced.
BATMAN: We’re missing Spoiler! Where is she?
Spoiler face palms and sighs in frustration. Batman hits a button on his utility belt. Red sirens pop out of the ceiling and scions ring.
BATMAN: We’re missing a bat kid! Nobody panic.
He pulls out a bat shaped megaphone from behind his cape. He speaks through it.
BATMAN: I repeat, nobody panic! Oracle, track her communicator!
ORACLE: Uh, Batman-
BATMAN: Do you want your bat sibling to die?
Oracle looks to Spoiler confused.
ORACLE: I guess not…
BATMAN: Then, send the goddamn signal!
Signal gets up. Batman motions for him to sit down.
BATMAN: Not you, the other signal.
Oracle types on her laptop. A beeping comes from Spoiler. She pulls out a blinking communicator. Batman leaps onto the table and lifts her up to meet his eye level.
BATMAN: Start talking! Why do you have Spoiler’s communicator, Sandra?
Spoiler struggles in his grip.
SPOILER: Because, I’m Spoiler.
BATMAN: No you’re not. Stephanie is Spoiler.
SPOILER: My name is Stephanie!
Batman looks at her confused.
BATMAN: You’re who?
SPOILER: Stephanie Brown.
Batman scrunches his brow.
SPOILER: I’m Spoiler! Geez, you would think the world’s greatest detective would recognize his own children.
Batman looks at the rest of the table.
BATMAN: Can anyone confirm?
SPOILER: Oh my God!
Evryone gives physical or verbal affirmations except Robin who gives an evil smile.
ROBIN: I’ve never seen that woman in my life!
Robin gets hit with a tranq and slumps on the table after after impact. Red Hood quickly puts his Tranquilizer gun and acts like nothing happened.
RED HOOD: Where did that come from? Who knows? Brucey, she’s the real deal. Just smell the waffles on her breath.
The other bat kids snicker.
RED HOOD: Or checkout her unwashed and wrinkled cape.
SPOILER: Thank you, Ja-
RED HOOD: She also has her mismatched boots.
Spoiler looks down at her boots.
SPOILER: They’re mismatched?
RED HOOD: Red Robin also gave her a hicky on the back of her-
SPOILER: Thank you, Jason! I think he gets it!
Red Robin clears his throat and ferociously tinkers with a computer card. He avoids eye contact. Batman puts Spoiler down.
BATMAN: I guess you are her. But why didn’t you say something earlier?
Spoiler fumes. She curls her fist and moves towards Batman. Black Bat grips the back of her neck. Spoiler falls onto her snoring. Black Bat rocks her in her lap.
ALFRED PENNYWORTH: Master, I think it is quite necessary that you move on with the meeting.
THE SIGNAL: Yeah. Why are we here?
Batman hops from the table and looks back on his clipboard. He pauses.
BATMAN: Uh. I don’t remember, anymore.
RED ROBIN: What do you mean, “you don’t remember”?
BATMAN: I guess, I lost my train of thought. But, I think this gathering had merit. Everyone’s here and we only have two unconscious heroes this time. I call it a success. You can return to your duties.
The bat kids groan. The Flash looks around confused.
FLASH: That’s it? That’s what your meetings are like?
NIGHTWING: Welcome to the Bat Family!
Fade to: Black