You hurt me and I justified the pain over and over again because I actually really loved you.
0the session my therapist doesn’t hear about.
the brown chair irrevocably placed in the corner of the room
where my therapist sits.
the window that’s cracked open just a tad
as a reminder that I’m not suffocating, there is air.
my sleeves cover down to the tips of my fingers to indicate that all my secrets are hidden underneath them
as the baggy sweater I’ve worn for 2 weeks straight drapes over my body like a costume to hide my true self within
“what do you want to talk about?”
this is a trick question because there are certain things my therapist cannot know…
Id like to talk about-
no don’t tell him that… he will send you home with those pills… the ones you hate. the ones that make you so dull, the ones that make you feel like a ghost in your own body… a stranger even.
but don’t you already feel that way?
this medication that people call a cure… does everything except fix your problems.
well what about …
no, if you tell him you attempted you will be walking out of here in a straight jacket on your way to the hospital…
we both know how much you hate those.
the smell,
the wretched blue gowns,
the poking and prodding needles.
the rules … no pencils, no sharp objects in general in case you get the urge to stab yourself in the jugular…
bleeding out of the floor would make such a mess for all the nurses.
No hoodie strings or belts,
they wouldn’t want you having a makeshift noose,
untying your body from where ever it dangles lifelessly would be so much work.
“ok what about your scratching?”
oh that… is it safe to talk about? to tell them that every time i get too overwhelmed i try to scratch my way out of my own skin,
peeling it back so far as if I’m trying to take a look at the bone that lies within my arm. simply to remind myself that I am human that the pain I feel isn’t just within me.
“it’s gotten better”
they know youre lying
they can see right through your baggy shirt and that smug smile you shoot them every time you tell a lie.
“and what did you eat today”
oh eating… i forgot about that.
well I usually forget about it… but I mean i forgot they were going to ask me about it,
beneath this shirt not only lies my scars but the bones from my rib cage protruding out of my skin,
my rotting teeth that I hide with closed mouth smiles… my hair that changes every month to prevent others from noticing its thinning.
“good I ate lots today… I had a huge breakfast”
look happy, don’t forget if you look to sad or malnourished he will ask more questions … ones you won’t have answers to.
“anything else on your mind”
nothing i can share with you, these therapy sessions start with lies and end with them because who else do i have to turn to if I’m not getting better,
who am i to turn to if that person will put me away from telling them how i truly feel.
who else but my journal. the same one that plays the therapist ill never go to.
I am much better now. nothing else is on my mind… I am glad to have you as my therapist. and by you, I mean myself… the person with the sickness is also the person who holds the cure.
the therapy session that plays in my mind instead of in an office with them,
the therapist I quit going to months ago.
All the love always
AM.
1My heart in Colorado
You left too soon
Questions left unanswered
Words left unsaid
Projects unfished
Shoes no longer filled
A part of us missing, while a part of u was never whole
Lost in this whirlwind of emotion trying to find our footing
Holding onto the burdens which tied you down
You are free like the river tides
Free like the winds coursing the Colorado mountains
You are forever missed
You are forever loved
For you my brother 1975-2021
0So I had a thought 💭
We all know Diavals outfit changes throughout the movie but consider this.
Diaval has feathers surrounding his coat. And we all assume that it’s his own feathers because of his past outfits . But judging from the length of the feathers in the last picture. They are too long to have been from his own feathers, they are also a bit darker and less iridescent than usual. These feathers could be Maleficents that he preened off her
1Day 2
Ok so we are done with day 2 yayyy!!
I felt hungrier today. Ended up eating a lot of smashed potatoes for lunch 🤪 but also a lot of salad
ate one tapioca for a snack in the afternoon and that was it! i’m surprised at myself that i’m not eating as much as i used to when i would come home from college
tomorrow my boyfriend wants to go out to eat at a japanese restaurant that he’s been asking me for months now, and now we finally have the money for it. i’ve been kind of panicking with this whole coronavirus thing and also i’m scared of calories!!!
but i’m enjoying this intermittent fasting thing, it’s making me feel good about myself and life so my plan is to not have lunch tomorrow and then break my fast with some fruit around 5pm and go have dinner with him around 6:30pm. sounds good right? let’s hope i’m brave enough to skip lunch tomorrow and that my diabetes doesn’t come in the way
0I’ve been writing a lot about the feelings adjacent to jealousy and have found that the underlying current is that of longing.
7“There are a lot of people who read me, but understand me differently.” she stared at him, her eyes sad but she’s smiling. She looked far ahead, then she continued, “And I couldn’t make all of them see me, the way I always wanted to be. But…you see, I already made myself believe, that’s totally fine. I guess, that’s just real life.” there’s a long second of silence before she finally uttered, “I thought that maybe, even though I couldn’t accept it, it’s perfectly okay to know that including you, I’m just not everyone’s favorite kind of book.”
would you keep me if i was her? // ma.c.a
20you’re so hypocritical it baffles me. in the past you did the same shit to me KNOWING! damn! well! i wasn’t happy about the situation. so who are you to judge?? especially when this actually has nothing to do with you? lol?
0She is sitting in the corner of an empty room. She is keep her eyes open and look at the window. Wondering if there’s no words of family, relationship, love, hates, sad, happy, etc, would it be better?
0The worst of everything is that you don’t lie me, you were clear with your feelings to me.
I was who thinking a lot of illusions and hopes of that any day you would feel something for me… Although a little love.
Happyrebelbird
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