Yesterday, I tried to commit suicide. Not suicide but I just wanted to sleep for awhile and not be bothered by anyone for a long time because it’s hard to stay away from people who are toxic during my healing process. I am an introverted- Empath🦋
I am writing here because I quickly regretted it. Well not quickly, it was much more painful and I couldn’t control my body from pulsating. I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much as I’ve tried hanging myself and I’ve tried overdosing on alcohol already. So that’s why I’m here because I am sick, but I’m trying to get help.
This time was a little different though, I know I have family. But I hate people worrying about me, I am a big girl, I can make my own decisions because it’s my life and I rather be happy than continue faking it.
It actually was a blessing because I for sure thought I was going to die and I probably would’ve if I wasn’t saved. I locked the bedroom door with my suitcase and pushed the dresser to keep anyone out. I thought I’d be alone for that day because my boyfriend was out of town. So he basically saved my life when I felt my worst and shitty.
I hate asking because I know everyone thinks I’m a drama queen, but I hurt all the time. I am a hypercondriact , well from the outside. But on the inside, I hurt daily. And I’ve tried reaching out for help, but nobody could fix me… so here my journey begins.
I’m still here because I want to live. I want to heal myself so I can help others in a positive way like I’ve always wanted to. Not just chasing the next Coach purse, that brand new car I never drive because of my anxiety or all the bullshit that makes drama.
I am currently at UW harbor view hospital and I just got done talking to the nurse. I started making excuses for my dad the way he treated me (PTSD) but after that, I said wait actually - my dad was a fucking horrible human being. He hated me because he thinks I have a different father. I told the nurse that my dad used rape my sister (he groomed her from early on). And then she said; did he do it to you?
I said no
BUT my dad would just beat the fuck out of me daily and always left me at home. I also have been molested as a child by my uncle that has a mental health disease. I never told anyone because I didn’t want to get him in trouble. But he ended up flashing a little girl at my grandmas apartment. So maybe if I did tell, he could’ve got help. But who knows, my biological family is sick, like really sick. They need to do some soul searching and find peace.
I used to blame my mom for giving up on us as children, but now I realize that it was for the best. She stayed for her fifteen children, she stayed until she couldn’t handle it any longer. It took her a damn long time, but I understand it now.
She told me today , she was gifted with an angel😇
I’ve told everyone that I am taking a break, I will still be around. Just from a little distance because it was way too fucking much. I tried to make people happy that wouldn’t do the same for me, I’ve been burnt, let down by the foster care system, let down by counselors, friends, family , you get it.
But today I am going to get better. I used to wave at strangers until my third foster mother said “you need to stop smiling at people , someone’s gonna punch you in the face.” So that’s when I stopped hugging friends in the hallway.
Flower was a single mom, with an abusive boyfriend. She loved me, but she couldn’t show affection because that’s how she grew up. That’s a reason my adoption with her did not go through, I really wanted it. But we weren’t on the same page when it comes to my emotions.
Life is short, you should be happy, healthy and healing. Tomorrow they are coming up with a plan for me, I really liked the Psychiatric nurse, we both cried together in our conversation when I broke down from saying everything out loud.
On my way to peace
Until next time
-Jules
