He spent all day outside. He spent all day in coffee shops and diners and parks, like a homeless lost guy. Cursing between his teeth, glaring at strangers and walking aimlessly.
How the hell was he going to return home and look you in the eyes again?
How the hell did he manage to fuck things up?
How did he ….how did things whirl in a huge black vortex all of a sudden?
Why didn’t he keep his big mouth shut? What a loser, a loser and a weirdo.
That’s what he thought of himself, all the way wandering in the street.
Now he might go back home and you won’t talk to him again.
He might go back and find you packing your things to fuck off, away from a whack like him.
Or even worse,
He may return and find you already gone, and will never see you again.
He groaned loudly out of frustration, shooting randomly an empty dented can as he walked an avenue bathed in the setting sun warm light. The can went rolling and hit the feet of a passerby.
He shouted in Adam’s direction and Adam muttered a confused sorry, big frame glued to a wall to avoid the angry man.
The little incident aggravated his gloomy mood and ended his street journey for the day. He still didn’t want to go home though.
When Adam thought he had his share of self-deprecation, he headed directly to work and decided to spend the night there. That was the best thing he could do, or that’s what he convinced himself was best to do.
Tucked in your sofa, mouth full of cherry pie, you threw away the tv remote control moodily.
The sun disappeared under the buildings of your neighborhood and you knew that Adam wasn’t going to show up till late night, and maybe not at all.
you waited for him to return home all day. You worked from home and you had nothing to do outside. You tried to busy yourself with anything that crossed your mind. You cleaned the apartment, you brewed cups after cups of tea, you took a bath, thinking and rethinking what you were going to tell him, writing and erasing speeches in your head, fancy dramatic ones and simple, heartfelt confessions.
All morning, you were buzzing with excitement, unexplainable striking feeling of warmth, recalling his awkward blush and silly excuses, his reddened ears as he struggled with his words.
Those were the signs, weren’t they? So obvious, he likes you.
But as the afternoon progressed, you weren’t sure anymore.
Was it just a misunderstanding? Have you projected your own feelings and hopes on him?
You even prepared a cherry pie and took your time to decorate it, expecting him to share it with you after you’ve confessed to him. You waited for it to cool watching the wall clock, sitting in the little kitchen and gasping every time you heard footsteps echoes in the building corridors, thinking it might be Adam, disappointment flooding you because it wasn’t him, every single time.
And here you were now, like a loser, zapping over Netflix series, eating your pie alone.
You felt like an idiot, you couldn’t just stay and wait anymore, so you jumped to grab your cellphone and call him. It rang and rang but he didn’t answer. He might be wanting to be alone, you thought, you really hoped that was it, and nothing else.
And what if something happened to him? What if a truck hit him, what if he got assaulted? What if… The what ifs were increasing your anxiety but you couldn’t bring yourself to call again. In the ocean of uncertainty you were rapidly drowning in, you were certain of one thing : It took just one little incident to make you realize you were already so into him. And now doubting his intentions and emotional state was unbearable once you came to acknowledge your own feelings. Love is tricky. That was a sure thing too.
Adam arrived at work earlier than usual. As he emptied his bag in the changing room he noticed that his phone was dead. Shit. No charger in sight, he forgot it at home. Of course. Shit again.
Did you call? He couldn’t help but think about this possibility. Are you worried about him? Or are you mad at him? What are you thinking of him now? A fucking perv? A crazy needy perv?
“ You wearing you blue pajama”
Damn it Adam, stop it for a while. Give it a break.
He reached for a small box he was hiding in his personal locker. He exhaled a deep sigh but he smiled. Its content shone glowingly under the bright recessed lights, it was still beautiful and he was still wanting to give it to you. He didn’t know how for now, or if what was he doing was worth the try anymore so he tucked it in his pocket and let the comforting presence warm his heart as he proceeded to clean in autopilot mode. Numbing his worries for the night.
You fidgeted in your sheets. Impossible to close your eyes or get your brain to shut down. Even your book that was thrilling yesterday felt bland tonight. What you were about to do was crazy, maybe, but the idea had been trotting in your mind for some time now. You wanted to be sure nothing happened to Adam, you didn’t have his work number, but you were familiar with his work place cause he asked you (sheepishly) several times to bring him something he forgot at home, a habit of his. Even his annoying habits weren’t annoying, and it wasn’t because he always treated you to dinner afterward.
You had to find him.
You jumped into your leggings and put a hoodie on, called an uber and in the span of 20 minutes you were facing the big illuminated building. You inhaled deeply before going in, trying to focus and not let the fear seep in you.
As you pushed the entry door and the vast cold space unfurled before you, your heart beats raced in your throat, your dread came to embrace you again. You saw the receptionist looking strangely at you, half expectant, half annoyed, and you cleared your throat.
“ Hi, um.. I’m looking for Adam”
please say you know who I’m talking about.
“ Adam who?”
“ The guy… the tall guy who cleans stuff here”
Please, say he is here.
“ I haven’t seen him come in today, sorry” he snorted. It was obvious from his tone that he didn’t want you there.
Damn, this couldn’t be possible, come on people.
“ Please, it’s urgent, I’m his roommate and I can’t reach him on his phone, can you please ask anyone in the offices, anyone who can help me find him?” you talked so fast and your voice was shaking, tears menacing to spill over.
The receptionist eyed you displeasingly then with a huff he told you to wait and started dialing.
With every second you hoped someone would pick up on the other side of the wire but nothing. For long seconds you looked around you, the hall silent, the buzz of air conditioners, the lightening, white and blinding recessed damned lights.
“ Y/N !”
You gasped, and turned your body to the source of the voice, the one and only voice you wanted to hear now.
“What are you doing here” He stopped, eyes of a deer in the headlights, beautiful, wide, luminous, your favorite.
He was a little out of breath, in his work clothes and holding bottles of detergents, his strands of hair a bit sweaty, a bit messy, but he looked more glorious and glowing than any prince you read about in fairy tales. Love is what it is.
“ Adam …I..” You started but he cut you off.
“Come upstairs?” he simply asked, still out of breath. He nodded to the receptionist and he nodded back. Implicit consent.
You followed and struggled to keep silent, mesmerized by his large shoulders as his long legs climbed the stairs. You could feel the electricity buzzing between you two, heavy silence, sexual tension ?
You reached the floor he was cleaning and you were about to lose it when his hand pushed you gently in one of the open spaces and your turned your heels to face him, at last.
You both breathed deep in unison.
You looked like two idiots, for sure.
“ so…” he started.
His eyes, you needed to stop staring.
“ I think that at some point someone should start to really …talk” you laughed.
“ yeah. Sure, sure” he paused. “ I’m sorry. If that makes any sense” his voice was reaching its deepest lowest levels. It sent shivers through all your body.
“ I’m sorry, I acted like an idiot the previous night and this morning…. And during all the day, actually …eugh” He winced, looking at his feet.
“ No…Adam ..”
“ No, you don’t have to act like it’s ok, I really crossed a line and I’m truly sorry y/n” he was about to put his large hands on your shoulders but he changed his mind and fisted them on his chest, another thing he did a lot, and that you found endearing.
“ Adam, just listen !” you blurted out, reaching a peak of nervousness because of all the things you were holding in.
“ Adam it was ok, it was really ok… it ..was, it felt good.” You gulped, watching him under your lashes, you couldn’t believe you said this, you watched as his pretty lips parted to form a perfect O. Then what seemed like a sunny smile reaching his eyes.
“ And I was worried about you all day, I tried to call but you didn’t-“
“ Fuck, my fucking…sorry, my stupid phone was dead.. that’s ..that’s why”
You sighed out of relief.
“ So you called me? Jesus, I thought you will be like … purifying your bed from my presence and invoking… dunno… a divinity to take your revenge or something..”
“ Shut up” you laughed heartily, all nervousness starting to fade away as a blush spread over your face and warmth in your gut.
“You are pretty” he blurted, blushing the tiniest bit.
You looked down to your worn leggings and tennis shoes, suddenly self- conscious. Your face must be just as pity looking, but as you looked up you saw him staring at you, eyes searching for something, then stilling on your lips.
You reached for a damp strand of hair and tucked it behind his ear, all words failing you.
He took a step forward, and leaned down, hesitant. You met his movement, and as you closed your eyes, you felt the gentle push of his lips on yours, and the world ceased to exist.
He kissed you with all the tenderness he got, all the delicacy and sweetness you needed. It felt nice, it felt pure and just like him. It felt kind and caring.
Your heart swelled and swelled, head span, you lost every sense of time and place. You didn’t even mind the white, cold blinding lights above your heads. All you could feel was his warmth, invading you from everywhere. Then he stopped.
“ I wanted to do it somewhere else” he whispered, out of breath again.
“ where” you hushed, eyes shut, still lost in the moment.
“ Your room”
“ let’s go then” you beamed at him “ I even made a pie for you… well, it’s half a pie now” you laughed gently.
And he kissed you again. He couldn’t believe this was happening. You were perfect for him. He never considered himself lucky, but what was happening now made him reconsider everything. Maybe it was his time, to be happy, to share all that he could give with someone willing to receive and to give back, abundantly. You.
When your lips parted again, he took your hand and led you outside.
“Let’s go finish this at home before I got fired”
You shared laughs and kisses and light chit chat all the way home and as soon as the door closed behind you your lips crashed again, with much more vigor and passion this time. He lifted you in his arms, so swiftly and easily you felt like a feather. Flush to his body you shuddered under his caring touch. It was mind blowing, so mind blowing he stumbled on the chair leg and lost balance, luckily he could put you down in time and avoided crashing on the floor with all his weight on you.
“Aouch” You laughed loud.
“ Fuck me!”
“We should eat my pie first”
Your eyes were glowing with mischief.
“ I have something for you, too” he scratched his neck.
And he took the box out of his pocket.
“ Sorry, I’m so impatient, I should have wrapped it at least, I know, and I should have waited till your birthday”
“ no more “sorrys” ! Adam that’s … that’s so kind of you”
“ it’s not just kindness, you know it now”
And you blushed some more, he made of you a hot mess.
“ open it, come on” he urged.
And you did.
It was wonderful.
A book mark. Shaped as a beautifully sculpted dragonfly, decorated with glowing stones in all shades of green. It was fairy. That’s all what you could think of it.
“ matches the fantasy books you like to read” he said sheepishly as words refused to leave your mouth. You were bewildered .
So you just jumped on him, hugging him and kissing him randomly, everywhere you mouth could reach. He seemed delighted, euphoric, eyes glassy as if he was drunk, and when you recovered, a detail stroke you. His gift must had cost a little much.
“ Adam, it’s expensive, isn’t it?”
“ No ! at all” he protested a bit aggressively and you knew you were right.
“ Adam is that why …” it hit you now.
“ What?” he laughed
“ Adam is that why you are working extra hours?”
“ nooooo” he sang awkwardly.
“ yes, please tell me “
But you knew the truth. Adam couldn’t lie, it was that simple. It showed. Too pure for that.
You wanted to treat him right too. You just wanted to show him how much you felt love blooming in your chest for him. it always was there. When he asked gently if you wanted to be his roommate, in the way he refused to take money from you to pay rent because he knew you were jobless at the time. How he cared for you all the two and half years you were living together, the little details, the gentle words, the beautiful little, simple gestures, the occasional long talks. How he was being protective and nervous everytime he saw lame guys hitting on you, at the rare parties you went to together. It was always there, the love, growing silently, little things wired, linked, spreading roots in your hearts and now the time finally came for it to bloom and sprout, in the bright light.
“ Won’t we eat your pie now?” he asked, playful.
“Of course we will” and in your eyes sparkled the promises of much more.