too many thoughts, gotta vent-
I know I put up a very good ‘tough young person with disability’ front, but it is a poorly made facade at best. Yes, I’m trying to make the best of a bad situation, but being in pain all the time is so very hard. Being in pain all the time, always being aware of its presence in your body, is scary. My joints haven’t gotten particularly worse in two years but they hurt all the time. I can’t bend forward too suddenly without it hurting, can’t move my right shoulder without it cracking, wore down my retainer so my jaw is clicking again. It’s very difficult for me to be warm but so incredibly easy for my body to get cold. Walking hurts a lot of the time too.
I don’t talk about the details of my illness frequently because I know most people don’t have any clue there’s anything wrong with my body. I didn’t even tell my job I had shingles, I worked through it. But I know I can’t take it back once I tell any of the supervisors, and I don’t want them to start treating me differently. I don’t want anyone to start treating me differently. And I especially don’t want to be pitied, it wounds me whenever I notice people starting to view me as a pitiful creature and it makes me feel incredibly pathetic.
I rarely say this out loud. But I hate being disabled. A lot.