i’m having a bad time with my roommates [jazz hands]
i realized abstractly last week that i’m currently Depressed™️ to a degree i haven’t been since high school. which makes sense when looking at the list of stressors i’m dealing with!
how to express ‘i am having a Bad Time and the way you are behaving as if i’m a live grenade is not making it any easier to resist my brain telling me i’m a burden on everyone around me and that no one wants me when i’m depressed” to a group of people so sensitive that one of them had to talk to her therapist after i [checks notes] left the room to go to bed when she said “let’s talk about our tinder matches in british accents” to the group
i’m being treated as a live grenade because i’m the only person in this household with an assertive bone in my body and i HAVE been assertive when the rest of them were too conflict averse to do the same thing. and now i feel like i’m being punished for it! cool.
also the roommate who caused all the problems last year Has Been Forgiven by almost everyone (even though she hasn’t changed, she still lies to our faces but i guess everyone doesn’t care now that she’s fun!!) but i find her unpleasant and i don’t want to be around her so i am the one getting punished by 1) having to tolerate her if i want to hang out with everyone else or 2) being miserable on my own! and i didn’t do shit except stand up for myself.
i simply think that if your parent is in the hospital you should feel supported and loved by your friends and not worry that one of them hates you because she won’t make eye contact with you and never asked how you were doing. oh, and every time you’ve (gently!) tried to assert a boundary or communicate hurt to her (in the softest way possible) she shuts down completely. (and then has to talk to her therapist.)
i simply think that if your parent is in the hospital is everyone should be worried about taking care of you??
but no! nope, my mom was in the hospital for 2.5 weeks (she’s okay and home now) and all i learned was that i was right when i thought i was always going to be alone for the hardest things
i was barely eating for a week because the prospect of making food was too much and it would have been nice if someone had noticed that
(to be fair, i had supportive friends who checked in on me and helped as much as they could. but when you’re living with people who seem like they’re scared to breathe around you there’s only so much you can do)
so like. what do i do :)
🍁Ed food log, September 19🍁
•I ended my fast at 20 hours and 48 minutes•
Dinner: cabbage cooked with meat (sheep) into a fucking delicious thing. I just ate a carrot (25 kcal) and cabbage (127 kcal) = 200 kcal
It didn’t end up being 200 kcal, but I got a few tiny part of the meat and some sauce from the stew so I just go from 152 kcal to 200 kcal :)
It doesn’t look that appetizing lol, but I promise it was so good. This is one of my favorite meals and it’s a typical ‘fall dinner’ where I’m from.
Water: 2.27 L
Apple Watch: 1.460 total of cals burned
Burned: 1.460 - Food: 200 = 1.260 kcal
I didn’t workout or anything today. I pretty much was curled up like a ball, in my bed with the lights off and trying to not act on my suicidal thoughts this entire day :)
okay so my mom let me try the box diet🥰🥰 (it’s when you have your meals delivered to your door and you can choose type of diet, food and calorie wise🤩). I think I’ll choose 1200kcal and watch my weight shred off of me 😍😍 it’s actually super convenient too because I don’t think I’ll have time to cook when I starts my uni & job. I got so fat during my trip to Italy, I need to lose it YET AGAIN… I need to be skinny by Xmas so I could be happy…
Food is great, y’all!! First pic: I had dinner with a classmate in the commons on campus and it was surprisingly good for school cafeteria food. (Also my friend was super sweet and let me use one of their meal swipes bc I don’t have a meal plan on campus.) Second pic: I have been craving boiled eggs all the time?! Not sure why, but they’re cheap and easy so I’m not complaining. (Peep my chicken tablecloth!) Third pic: this toffee cheesecake was amazing!! I have a 5 hr break between classes on Wednesdays so I don’t always go home. On Wednesdays we explore downtown near campus and we eat cheesecake!!
My mom made me drink protein shake, 188kcal
Miso soup with mushrooms and leek ~80kcal~
i hate it when people come into my room unannounced. i hate it even more when people try talking to me when i have earbuds in. but my mom had come in to ask me what i wanted- she wanted to order Chinese food. i was slightly surprised, as we just ordered pizza last night. i wasn’t about to object or complain, because Chinese food is Chinese food. other than that, my morning consisted of the ceiling collapsing in the laundry room. it wasn’t horrible damage, but i wouldn’t say my father wasn’t pissed.
having coffee, adderall and soup for breakfast. the three food groups
the two closest grocery stores to me are both out of frozen kale & not to be melodramatic but if I don't get my frozen kale i will die
Breakfast: protein shake ~ 84 cal
Dinner: turkey salad with cheese, ham and cucumber ~ 466 cal
Sickos somehow interact with this if u think september wasn't ur month cus me either >×<
Sorry for not being 2 active sickos, if u know bout my cal tracking acc I've been feeling shitty lately and trying 2 get back on my starving without binging era
I have a strong feeling of that I'm gonna starve myself so much I hate myself
september 18, 2021 ♡
1/3 of a croissant (77 calories)
cinnamon tea (0 calories)
shrimp and tomato salad (~140 calories)
two maria cookies (46 calories) (binge*)
a strawberry (~5 calories) (binge*)
♡ total: 268 calories
september 17, 2021 ♡
almond milk latte (~51 calories)
a pesto avocado sandwich (273 calories)
a cup of sliced cucumber (16 calories)
some maduros fritos (~190 calories) (binge*)
2/3 of a croissant (~154 calories) (binge*)
☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆.。.:*・°☆ ♡ total: 684 calories
Day 74: Sept 18, 2021
Total: 0 cals
*breaking my fast at 12 am tonight cuz I wanna make sure I go to the washroom before leaving for the party tomorrow lol
*tbh this week was kinda scary because it was way too easy to not eat. And after the first two days I felt dead, not just physically tired but also like I had no emotions
*it also definitely fucked up my hair even more so I'm gonna go back to eating regularly
*not completely ready to recover, I wanna reach at least 115lb before I make an attempt but I'm gonna try my hardest to eat regularly to 1000 cal cuz I'd really like my hair and stable mood back😅😅
Yesterday had iced lattee oatmeal soup and salad we made and some oreos … dats it. Today was worse; i had iced latte oatmeal salad leftovers and kale gnocchi and lil pasta but then half ish pint ice cream and like 10-15 oreos omfg . and an apple. welp