#fragmented self Tumblr posts

  • trustmeimadoctor
    23.04.2021 - 2 weeks ago

    Why does it upset me so much to educate myself about my condition? Why does it make me sick when I come across information about it? I don't hate us. Why wouldn't I want to know more about what makes us tick?

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  • luxintenebre
    15.03.2021 - 1 mont ago

    When my new therapist mentioned the fragmented pieces of myself, it never crossed my mind that she was talking about potentially DID?

    I know that I disassociate, but I guess I just felt like it was something a lot of people I know do?

    Low key scared of what I'm going to learn on Saturday from my memories.

    Imma still go tho imma still go 😩.

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  • the-dissociated-bones
    06.03.2021 - 2 monts ago

    I would once again like to reiterate that gender is stupid and I would like to delete mine and forego having this stupid crisis all the time. It's incredibly inconvenient.

    #Look if anyone had advice about specifically figuring this out as a system I will take anything at this point. #The unique challenge of having a fragmented sense of self to begin with makes this very unclear. #I'm so tired. #signed;kid
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  • hoheikyu
    05.03.2021 - 2 monts ago

    tag dump

    #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ ...thinking so fondly: / i am the daughter of the river / & to the water i shall return ❜(juvia) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ gather! o river of light that's guided by the fairies! shine! in order to perish the fangs of evil! ❜(cana) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ there is freedom waiting for you on the breeze of the sun ❜(scorpio) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ a maiden sits on the edge of Neptune’s rings ❜(lucy) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ fuschia fingertips fragmented fallen angel wings that touch the earth ❜(layla) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ whispering the night’s language & embracing her ancient glow ⁣⁣old magic flows through the soul ❜(aquarius) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ fireflies with bright ideas ❜(wishlist) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ the sea does not forget the lives its swallowed ❜(promo) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ i am water; soft enough to offer life tough enough to drown it away ❜(self promo) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ the ancient ocean is back in the valley today; low monsoon clouds cloak the valley floor ❜(queue) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ the earth would bow to the tilt & pull of her unabashed feet as she walked graciously ❜(aesthetic) #✧ ・ ° ・↣ ❛ sing the hypnotizing songs of sirens ❜(music)
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  • olreid
    22.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

    notes on oedipus tyrannus from mocked with death: tragic overliving from sophocles to milton by emily wilson

    #it's about the lack of self-recognition that makes you unable to see your life as a coherent story... #it's about the fragmented sense of self that makes every narrative framework and role ill-fitting..... #dare i say... the john silver of it all... #ANYWAY ! #currently reading#pirate praxis #self harm /
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  • penisgargle
    16.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

    i wish i still had the ability to like,, pull back and not be So Much and say every thought that pops into my head. I used to be able to predict how ppl would act and know what id sound like saying something and be able to like . Not come across as Absolutely Mentol but its like im too detatched to even sit comfortably in myself let alone sit with others ppls perception of me

    #i have no idea if this makes any sense lmfao #like i think from just trying to control ppls opinion of me for so long #i lost sight of what i actually wanna be #so bc i built my identity on shitty foundations - ie other ppls persoective of me #its left me without a stable idea of myself #my identity just feels fragmented + shifting #and so its like #if im constantly hopping between different parts w in myself #how am i supposed to come across as Normal #eugehegdhshsh idk how to put it in a way that makes sense #its just like #i used to be able to curate how i came across #and that was v bad and like killed my self image #but u still beed to curate a little so that ppl understand what ur tryna get at #and so that you can follow social cues and understand what other ppl are thinking #but its like #i cant do that now!! #because im so In My Own Head #which is all split up and very confusing #but its making me whole thing worse bc its like #making me even more detached #like oh well if i scare ppl off i scare ppl off theres nothing i can do #like i go into things expecting ppl to leave so i try to mentally minimise their presence in my life #and i do that by being like. well its happened before u can make it thru that again #u were at rock bottom before and u were making it #but the moment it feels like. oh shit they r actually going #its like this insane incoherent panic that consumes everything #😙✌🏼 #OH MY GOD THATS SO MANY TAGS #delete
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  • trustmeimadoctor
    15.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

    Another thing on my walk with Lucy yesterday. She showed me what kind of person I would be if we merged... He would be amazing. Absolutely fucking so filled with life amazing!!!... But I can’t let that happen. As much as I’d love to be that person I don’t want to lose my family again. I can’t lose them. I’d rather be in pieces than be a fully functioning person and alone. It feels like death when we merge. The only one I’d ever merged with was Dante and it felt like he died. Although I absorbed aspects of him, he wasn’t there.

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  • trustmeimadoctor
    15.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

    I'm trying to document what's been happening and I keep forgetting important pieces then new stuff happens. I forgot to mention that on my walk yesterday I was crossing the street and a car was being weird on whether or not it was going to let me cross. I just continued walking and said out loud, "Either stop or go! Hit us I don't care!" And I was laughing. But right after in an almost guttural tone "I" said, "WE DO CARE!!!". I felt it coming from different parts of my brain. A physical sensation like electricity. Just a little while ago, today I went for a walk high. I just took one hit so I could deal with the cold. So I wasn't destroyed. But I was talking to... someone about being nonbinary and how I think it's disgusting and I was cracking jokes about it. Then fucking KANDIE came forward with such intense emotion that I couldn't deny what was happening. There was no explaining it away as something else or guessing who it was. She agrees with the nonbinary label because she's... well... a "she". So it would make her feel more comfortable and more included in the group as a whole. This makes her feel accepted. I told her that I heard her loud and well... loud lol Because none of the communication with them has been very clear for a long time. I respect her feelings about this. Also, on my walk today I unlocked another memory. Nothing deep but still a memory that had long been forgotten about one of my Grandmother's dogs that used to show his teeth at cigarettes. lol He hated them. I'm remembering more and more things. And I'm starting to be able to focus on small tasks without ADHD meds. I'm having WAY less mood-swings as well. I haven't even noticed any in the past week. No dipping into despair! Fucking crazy, right? Oh, one more thing. When I was typing out Kandie's name I first accidentally typed "KANE" who is the name of the roommate who abused me. I felt sick or... something. It wasn't good. Weird since for so long I've felt nothing about it.

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  • trustmeimadoctor
    15.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

    I'm afraid that more than who I want to wake up may wake up. Like Frankie, Marcy and The Unknown. Not that I really care if Frankie and Marcy show up again but I really don't need, care for or want them. Have I mentioned The Unknown before? Well, he's scary as fuck. Not that he's ever tried to hurt me or anyone else. He actually tried to warn me about Kandie when she woke back up in 2017. Told me not to trust her and that she wasn't who she said she was. He was wrong. She was and is, in fact, Kandie but maybe he was trying to tell me that she wasn't right. That she wasn't herself due to the withdrawals and such. What scares me is his voice and the fact that he doesn't have a name or a “visual” form. I never could see him at all. Also, concerned about the static coming back. The static (in case I haven't mentioned it before) is where they all come from. It's in the very back of my mind and it's a chaos pit of voices. So. Many. Voices. Not that I think any of this is likely without outside influence but it's still a concern. I don't know if I could handle that happening again.

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  • trustmeimadoctor
    15.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

    Psychedelic Therapy is Encouraging Me to be Comfortable with Who I Really Am

    I got my prescription for ketamine Saturday and took it that night. It gave me a lot of anxiety which I wasn't expecting since the infusion went so well. So I took a couple hits of gg4 and another strain that usually levels me. Even though the doctor told me not to use marijuana within 24 hours of taking ketamine. Since ketamine is supposed to be taken every other night it doesn't seem like an issue. But I needed to calm down. I about 200mcg/ug of lsd earlier in the day. Well I started to have very intense and BRIGHT closed eye visuals. Hallucinations are a common side effect of ketamine anyway so not really a big deal. Then another memory got unlocked. I used to hallucinate all the time as a kid. Is that normal? Because when I was a kid I thought it was normal for everyone so I didn't mention it. Never once. I remember closing my eyes and it being so bright sometimes. It seemed to be one of the reasons why I could never sleep. Bright lights in shapes moving around behind my eyelids. I also would see things with my eyes open.  Then yesterday as soon as I woke up I took 305mcg/ug of lsd. We went for a walk for over an hour. Possibly two but time seemed to stop making sense to me at points. Well Lucy showed me some things about myself that I've been trying to bury. It makes me feel sick. Donatello decided to chime in and... I found out his plan. Or at least what he wasn't able to hide anymore... He isn't going to hurt Kenneth... He's going to get me to do it. He wants me to "physically" assault Kenneth in order to trigger Henry. Donatello's theory is that since Henry subdued Damien just for overwhelming me with his romanticism of suicide then a "physical" attack on the child could upset him enough to attack me, not only make me lose my grip but to possibly "kill" me. I. Fucking. Cried. Real shit. I cried. While walking out in public. I pleaded with him. We actually ended up having a good talk. One of the other things I was crying about was that he said he wants to experience the level of awake-ness that Henry and Dante once had. I said I was sorry but I have no control over that. And that's exactly why I've been doing this! To wake everyone up like they were before! Anyway he figured out that it's not that I'm afraid of death. I'm afraid of blinking out of existence. He said that he won't let me "die". We worked through some shit.  One of the things I was forced to look at was that I may in fact be nonbinary *vom* I don't have anything against nonbinary people but I don't want to be one. Lucy said I don't have to try so hard to be a man because I'm not one. Henry is a man. Dante is a man. Damien and Donatello are men. I am not. I'm not a woman either. Although biologically speaking I should have been born male for sure. There is no question about that. She also said I'm not an adult nor a child. Everyone besides Kenneth and myself are adults. Even Kandie even though she's only 18. So I'm not a child like Kenneth either. Does that just mean teenager? It could just be a convoluted way of saying teenager lol I feel like a lot of progress was made today. Scary and emotional progress.

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  • hiriaeth
    11.02.2021 - 2 monts ago

    Hmm some of those angry comments on that discourse post interesting, to me it’s more about defending ppls right to wallow endlessly in their dysfunction and accept annihilation of self because of complete lack of boundaries, cultural and family pressure, alienation, etc... and not seeing that it’s that those particular films are wrong, is that I see a lot of women accepting this as the only outcome and at least revenge is some sort of prize which it’s not. Anyway I’m not a love and light person but Im sure as hell not accepting that fate because of a random dude. And just how often that’s presented as some brilliant exploration of women plumbing the depths of their violent, trauma borne impulses to be strong is limiting imo, we can do that and recover some/all those of our damaged parts or maybe become something/someone more.

    #yeah this is about that particular gone girl Midsommar post #and what I witness irl and I’ve been seeing the acceptance and well stewing in this fragmented sense of self #there is power and agency to be discovered and acquired while exploring these violent impulses #but the way so many white women are like yep this is lets just dissolve completely and thats the universal women experience is just #too fatalistic and reeks of biological essentalism
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  • mycollectioncloud
    19.01.2021 - 3 monts ago

    19.

    Fragments of thoughts escaping. Sorting them out. Am I portraying them how I truly would like for them to be? Figuring out this process Discovering Me Why is this so difficult?

    #new poets society #new poetry #new poets corner #new poets community #new poem#poetry#original poetry #new poets on tumblr #poets on tumblr #poem#art #artists on tumblr #fragmented thoughts#art style#discover yourself#self expression#self exploration#exploreeverything#discover#takes time
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  • trustmeimadoctor
    18.01.2021 - 3 monts ago

    Last night was the second time I used concentrate. It was the same exact one that I used the night before but I must have put just a tad more last night than the previous night. It all seemed fine at first. Then about 15 minutes or so after I laid down to sleep it felt like I had the spins from drinking too much. I opened my eyes and the feeling faded. I closed my eyes and began to spin again but this time it was accompanied by the feeling of not being able to breathe and nausea. It just kept getting worse and worse then I felt like I wasn’t in my body anymore. I wasn’t attached to this reality anymore. I was in-between space and this reality. I didn’t know if I was real or not anymore. I thought the space version of me was the real me and my physical body was just part of a dream world. I felt alone and empty even though I could “hear” noise (talking and such). I panicked! I was trying so hard to breathe and ground myself but I just kept feeling waves of panic! I yelled out for Henry and Dante to help me but I couldn’t feel them anymore. I dug and clawed and tried to rip them from me so they could help me! I couldn’t find them. I think I was even clawing for Donatello and Kandie but I couldn’t feel them either. A drastic difference from the night before when all that happened was seeing color-changing geometric shapes when I closed my eyes. I thought that’s what the description meant when saying, “Heavy psychedelic effects”. I was wrong. But why would the strain that has “Heavy psychedelic effects” silence my fragments? And the ones with “heavy-headed euphoria” i.e. GG4(Original Glue), make everyone so talkative and engaging? 

    #1-18-21#1-17-21#medical marijuana#dab #o.g.k.b. 2.0 #marijuana concentrate#psychedelic#trip #1st time tripping #1st trip#scary #lost touch with reality #felt like I couldn't breathe #felt like I was in space #felt like I wasn't real #journal#personal #note to self #fragmented personality#fragments#mental health#mental illness#self medication#bad trip#MMJ
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  • shaktidurgahealingarts
    14.01.2021 - 3 monts ago

    Psilocybin guide or no guide

    https://www.shaktidurgahealingarts.com/single-post/psilocybin-guide-or-no-guide

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  • trustmeimadoctor
    12.01.2021 - 3 monts ago

    I had such an amazing night last night! After I smoked up and it started really kicking my ass I started to feel something. Really FEEL something!!! I felt emotions! Legitimate emotions! It was fucking intense and fucking amazing! I felt excitement! I felt the intensity the same way I did when I was a child! It was confusing but never once scary. It continued after I fell asleep and followed me into my dreams. I didn't know I could ever feel anything again never mind on that level! Like HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! I have the ability to fucking FEEL!!! I can have legitimate EMPATHY! Maybe I'm not a psychopath after all!

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