why do they argue like they dated for a few months but had a "mutual breakup" that neither of them actually wanted but they're just stupid and misread the situation from both sides and now they're both sad but don't wanna admit it for different reasons
#im saying this from a real life experience #thats why its so detailed #keith is handling the breakup more maturely than lance #keith thinks its for the best #lance is just petty and passive aggressive about it #i watched my best friends relationship turn out like this #its entertaining from an outside perspective
#I realllyyyyyy didn’t like the second half until the last 30 minutes which I did like #it feels like they’re keeping every other couple apart and only manipulating everyone so Otis and Maeve end up together #and I really don’t need that from this show at this point like I feel like their moment passed in the s2 finale #I’m more okay with the adam/Eric breakup bc of Adam’s poem where he’s like I never expected this to last forever #fun side note don’t really like Eric anymore #I LOVE cal best edition this season #I’m glad Jackson made a new friend in cal but I feel like Jackson didn’t really grow this season besides briefly questioning #I really don’t get why they did that stuff with hope idk #I’m happy that lily and ola worked out I was scared for a second #also loved queen jean but I think that goes without saying #also Ruby!!!! I loved her in the first half where was she the second half #she needs a full story arc of just her in s4 #WHYYYY is moordale closing that’s when I truly thought this show is going off the rails that was the main moment #also in s4 can we see adam exploring his dog stuff and Otis applying for psychology programs #sex education #sex education spoilers
When I was in graduate school one of my assigned texts was Emotional Alchemy by Tara Bennett-Goleman. In it, Bennett-Goleman, offers up a way for us to work with our maladaptive thought patterns which she calls “schemas.” Among the schemas she identifies are:
Deprivation: “the belief that one’s needs won’t be met.”
Subjugation: “the belief that in an intimate relationship one’s own needs never take priority.”
Mistrust: “people can’t be trusted.”
Unlovability: “the sense of being somehow flawed and unworthy of being loved.”
She says “The paradox is that schemas revolve around compelling needs but lead us to think and act in ways that keep those needs from being fulfilled.”
When I read about the unlovability schema it was like I was reading about me — like she was writing just for me. At that point I’d spent most of my life with a deep, yet vague, belief that I was unlovable. Despite growing up in a loving two-parent home. Despite self-identifying as a strong, self-assured, smart woman. Despite the fact that many people loved me… I felt, at my core, unlovable, not enough, and that I was too much.
Little did I know then that most other people, at least in the Western world, shared my predicament.
Is this you too?
If it is, I want you to know that it’s entirely possible to wake up from this illusion and it doesn’t have to take a lifetime. I use the term illusion because that’s what it is – a mirage that looks and feels as real as real can be, and yet it’s a trick of the eye. You can come to know beyond all truths that you need not change one thing about yourself to be worthy of love.
Here’s how I did it:
I fiercely practiced loving myself. Every day. When it was hard. When it was easy. With teachers. On my own. When I was skinny. When I wasn’t skinny. When I was single. When I was partnered. When I was employed. When I was unemployed. When I felt radiant. When I felt wretched. I committed to opening my heart to myself through it all.
“Once upon a time a girl prayed for true love. Her prayer was answered. She learned to love herself.” - Monique Duval
It wasn’t overnight. It wasn’t the result of one healer or one book.
It was cumulative the way that Michael Phelps became a gold medal swimmer not in one summer, but over countless hours in the pool over many years.
So, how does loving ourselves show us that we’re lovable by others?
Because if we can love ourselves, it goes without saying that someone else can.
If we don’t love ourselves, how can we possibly trust that another can?
It’s like a mathematical proof. If X is true then Y must also be true.
X is whether we love ourselves unconditionally.
Y is whether another can love us this way.
If X is true then Y must also be true.
Similarly, I believe it defies the laws of physics for a person to be simultaneously not enough and too much. I realized at some point that I couldn’t be both and that’s how I knew what I felt was a misconception.
On a recent episode of Oprah’s Lifeclass Martha Beck wisely shared that “the most judgmental thing you think about the thing you’re most ashamed of is the lie that is most holding you back… Find the place where you are most ashamed… Opposite of that statement is the best truth for setting you free now.”
Back then my most judgemental belief was that I wasn’t lovable. The thing I was most ashamed of was my ‘not enoughness/too muchness’.
It wasn’t true. Not then. Not ever. So I set about setting myself free.
Do not wait for another to show you that you are enough. You will die waiting. It will never, ever, ever work. When we look to another for confirmation of our own enoughness, there will always be uncertainty in the back of our minds. We can never trust another’s love if our own foundation is shaky.
I like to think that this is fantastic news!
While we don’t have control over others, we do have domain over ourselves and our lives. We can commit to this practice. We can live ourselves into the awakening and awareness of our innate lovabilty and enoughness. This is also fantastic news because experience shows us that people treat us like we treat ourselves.
A final note on how I define love:
In this world there is big love (not of the HBO polygamy variety) and there is small love. Big love is ever expansive, making room for all that arises. Big love is unconditional. Big love is that of a mother to her newborn baby. Big love receives life and us with open arms. Small love, which we see and experience all too often, lives on the surface. Small love likes it when things go it’s way and moves on when things don’t. Small love has an agenda and a host of preconceived ideas about how things (and you) should be.
When I talk about loving ourselves, I’m talking about big love.
How do I know beyond a doubt that I’m lovable? Because I love myself. Therefore it must be possible.
Want to know if you’re lovable? Set about proving it to yourself from within. Start now.
It's terrible how important a person can become to you and then they just disappear.
#take a break #breakup#sadness#sad#sobbing #ive been crying for hours #ive been crying all day #i wish i could say i was mad #but im not #just feelings#feeling sick#its over#isnt it #its over isn't it #2021 #this week has been a lot #this week has been rough #im very very sad #i lost almost all my friends #my home #and my friends dogs #this is gonna make me cry #this is gonna hurt for a long time #we were gonna buy a house and start a farm woth goats and cows and a new kitty #just numb now #with a tinge of gut wrenching pain #im so tired #please free me of this hurt #thank you for reading
#socktalk#damonandjo #like they had such great chemistry how does netflix not see that #lol damon straight up saying they're divorced ugh best friend breakups are shit #oof but he best friend and biz partner relationship is tough
#ube on a roll #donut soundtrack#larsadie #i talked about this with one of my friends a while back but like #and maybe i'll be able to explain it a bit better some day... maybe #but anyway #to me like- driveways? driveways just Scream larsadie to me #transient spaces in general but... idk #especially driveways #which is sorta funny i guess bc we never actually saw them in a driveway together in canon??? #but yea it just Makes Sense to me #the best stage for breakups and makeups #if you are feeling me on this... shoutout to you #if you aren't... that's fair im not very good at explaining things :) #also like god you know the whole: you're so close yet so far away #you're in my driveway but you won't come in #the door is open.... the door is open... #but you never come inside
#➤ mod reply #➤ Save #this ask is so sweet i've honestly been thinking abt how to reply for a while now #tbh i haven't had any energy in weeks now so i hope this suffices #thank you so much for having me in your thoughts and for the kind message as well — it really means a lot to me #ig the tags are as good a place as any for a little irl update?? the tdlr is i'm still going through the motions lmfao #literally haven't had energy for anything anymore - finally got to drawing but got exhausted within the first hour #work is okay it's work ya kno #got another raise which is nice uhh #approaching 5 months post breakup and it's not going as expected #thought i would be good and healed by now but idk #it's tough out here haha #irl friends aren't really as present as i would like them to be but at the same time i don't want to be a burden #it's like. i can tell they're kind of over my nonsense which i get bc i'm over it too ahaha #but ya know #it is what it is #and pickle me elmo gave me a little chuckle so he's my rose for today #hopefully will find it within myself to at least draw some more #but ya ! that's pretty much it on my end #a whole lot of nothin :'] per ushe #thanks again for this kind message i have it saved in my phone akjdfkas is that weird ?? it's a little weird
#cw for pet death and ptsd talk #gonna put more words here to prevent the preview from showing y’all anything you don’t wanna see #okay this should be enough to cover it probably #okay so #my friend and I used to dogsit for a family with three dogs #and the sweetest one passed away 😭 #and bc of the 21st of september memes I remembered that tomorrow is the 4 year anniversary of when I first started dating my ex #and it ended in a traumatic way #(I had complex ptsd before the breakup and this added to it) #also my grandma is having memory issues and health issues again so the nurses are staying with her tonight #so my brain is very wonky and I need to have lighthearted fun tonight
#question #how the fuck are you supposed to get over a breakup #it’s been 5 years together #but he’s stupid and won’t get the vaccine even though my father who i LIVE WITH is immunocompromised #on top of a million other issues #but i love him #and i wanted it to work out so badly i tried so hard #how can you be so sad and still angry???? #he was my best friend but i’ve realized he isn’t the person i thought he was #i think im mourning for who i thought he was and who we were together #this is the worst #the way i knew for so long that we weren’t meant to be but i wanted it to work so badly #that now that it’s over i feel like i failed because i couldn’t get over the differences i’ve been ignoring for five years #anyways i am #sad#and angry #and i don’t know how to love on
Sorrow, Love, and Everything In Between - Chapter 2
Summary: After (Y/N) has a rough break-up with her yearlong boyfriend, Ryan, Billy is there to pick up the pieces.
“Care to explain to me why the hell you are by yourself, walking by the road in the middle of the night?”
You flinched softly at his question, but you aren’t sure why because you knew it was coming. Sighing, you slowly turned to meet his gaze, though it was too intense, swimming with so much concern and curiosity that you almost wished you hadn’t. Though it was always like that with him, he had the most intoxicatingly emotional eyes, they always filled the void of expressing his feelings when his words fell short.
“Haha, it’s a real funny story, that one…”
You nervously laughed, trying to rack your brain for any white lie you could come up with to cover your ass, wanting so badly for Billy to not make it his problem and do something he couldn’t take back. With him already staying in constant trouble with his shitty, abusive father, and not to mention the many petty charges pressed against him already, you were terrified for him to get there and hand Ryan’s ass to him on a not so silver platter. What if someone calls the police and he gets in major trouble? You just couldn’t stand to be the reason he either ends up in jail, gets beaten up by his father, or, the most likely outcome, both. Even with that knowledge, though, you knew he was too good at reading your emotions and could always tell when you weren’t being truthful or when you were holding out on him. Fuck.
While lost in your spiral of overthinking, you were pulled from it in one swift motion as Billy had tucked his fingers below your chin and lifted your head up, taking the time to better inspect your face. The glassy film shining on both of your pretty eyes and the puffiness of your reddened cheeks couldn’t be ignored by him. Taking the last drag from the cigarette in his opposite hand, he twisted slightly to flick it out his window, before turning his head and exhaling the smoke towards the backseat so it wouldn’t blow towards your face. Not that you would have really minded, though, finding yourself uncharacteristically craving a cigarette right about now. Using his thumb, he wiped gently at a small, black-tinted tear streak near your jaw that you must’ve missed earlier, eyebrows raising as an all too familiar look passed over his face.
“I doubt funny is the word for it. And have you been crying? (Y/N) just what the hell happened?”
You could hear the anger laced in his voice as he spoke, knowing that whatever had you crossing paths on the road at night certainly hadn’t been good. Wait, weren’t you supposed to be riding to the party with your not-good-enough-for-you boyfriend, Ryan, that Billy didn’t hesitate to let you know he hated? And shouldn’t he have been the one taking you home, too? The gears in his head were churning as the realization dawned on him, that familiar ignition of anger sparking in his stomach like a metal chain would when quickly drug against the ground. Even with just the bare minimum of information he gathered within a few seconds, you could already see it swimming in his eyes. He was piecing it together on his own. Not the full story, of course, but just enough to know that it had something to do with your douchebag boyfriend, and for Billy, that was enough to awaken the Behemoth. Well, no point in lying, then, you supposed.
“Can you please just promise me you won’t get mad and overreact? I really, really need you to promise me.”
Although you felt stupid asking him that, because you both knew all too well that he wasn’t the greatest at controlling his own emotions, you still felt like you needed to. He had to resist the urge to roll his eyes at you, your words reminding him of something a kid would say in an attempt to placate their mom before telling them what they did wrong. Regardless of how childish it felt, he could tell it was what you needed to hear from him, a comfort to you before you would explain what happened. Nodding his head, he dropped the fingers underneath your chin and opted to use that hand to rummage his pocket for his half-empty pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes and his accompanying lighter. Although he had just finished a cigarette mere moments ago, he knew he would need something to occupy him, distract him from the boiling pot of rage he was certain would be brewing within him very soon.
You graciously accepted his wordless agreement, bringing a slightly shaky hand up to brush a few strands of your hair from your face, tucking them loosely behind your ear, your dangling earring swaying softly with the movement. A deep sigh leaving your lips.
“S-So I broke up with Ryan at the party. I caught him with that girl I told you about that would always flirt with him.”
You started, mind replaying the all too vivid memories of walking in on him with her, before slamming the door shut and hearing him chase after you as you ran down the stairs, pushing through throngs of people to get out of the house party that felt like it was suddenly closing in on you with every passing second. Billy silently listened, soaking in every word you spoke like a sponge, taking deep drags and finishing his cigarette quicky as he sat near breathlessly still in his seat, resembling a statue while he wielded himself to keep calm. A very harrowing task.
You told him everything, not sparing any details as tears weld up yet again for what felt like the tenth time tonight as you finished your recount of a rather shitty break-up. At the sight of you tearing up, Billy was quick to lean across the car’s console and pull you into a hug, running one hand comfortingly up and down your back, the other petting the back of your head as you sobbed quietly into his shoulder. Even though you were making a mess of his white shirt with your smearing makeup and tear stains, he couldn’t give a damn. His soft, gentle touches greatly contrasted the swarm of vibrant, vicious red he was seeing and feeling, his ears ringing as his anger was bubbling up into his chest, sitting heavy on him as if it were a slew of elephants.
Slowly, you brought your arms up to wrap around him, hugging him closely as you let all your anger, hurt, and stress from the terrible night into his shoulder. He was warm, his body like a furnace as it worked to heat up your skin that was still rather chilled from your time outside. You were content like this, being able to vent out all your difficult and troublesome feelings, which was doing wonders to calm you. Although you were still incredibly hurt, of course, just having Billy here made you feel so much better. He tended to have that soothing effect on you, having gotten so good at being a strong shoulder to cry on after years and years of enduring what all he goes through at home.
After a few moments longer, you finally gave a quiet sigh, your tears having stopped and your breathing a lot less erratic. Lifting your head, your eyes met with Billy’s, and you gave him a kind, appreciative smile, getting one in return. He removed his hand from petting your hair and used it to brush his thumb along one cheek, then the other, softly wiping away any of your remaining tears. You closed your eyes and leaned in to his touch, enjoying the warmth his palm provided. Billy watched you with a glint in his eyes, before you eventually began to pull yourself out of his grasp. He was hesitant to let you go, but did and allowed you to fall back into the comforts of his leather seat.
“Feeling better, princess?”
He inquired, using that cheesy nickname he had for you as his eyes studied you. It had originally been something he would call you to take the piss, but now it was just what he always called you, any teasing intentions behind it having long dissipated. You nodded your head, “I am now. Thanks, Billy.”.
Although you had settled down, Billy had yet to, as you could practically feel the burning, white-hot anger rolling off of his body in waves. A tinge of anxiety began to bloom in your stomach as you reached your hand out to grab his, holding it tightly as you locked eyes with him. He appreciated your touch, comforted by your soft squeezing of his hand. He wanted nothing more than to high-tail it to that damn party and beat the fucking breaks off of Ryan. Billy always knew that the kid would do something like this to you, but kept it to himself and just let it brew at the back of his mind, knowing that you really liked Ryan and that it wasn’t his place or relationship to be intervening in. Now, with everything coming undone at the seams and the jackoff proving him right, he wished he had done more. He hated seeing you so upset and fucked over by somebody who didn’t deserve you in the first place, and although he didn’t cause your sadness, he couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for letting it happen. Not that there was much he could do, anyways. Billy had to grab ahold of his knee with the hand that wasn’t in yours, squeezing the rough material of his denim tightly to ground himself, closing his eyes as he tried to take in a few deep breaths, though it didn’t do much to help.
“Hey, Billy. It’s fine, really. I’m fine, so I don’t want you getting upset, okay?”
You softly spoke, hoping you could successfully attempt a little damage control, though from the looks of it, he was too far into his own mind to even register the words leaving your lips. His chest was puffing, brain hazed with the pleasant thoughts of leaving Ryan busted and bloodied, hanging on to life from a thin little thread. Shaking his head from side to side, he tried to clear his mind of those thoughts. Regardless of how badly he wanted to, and how easy it would be for him to, he wouldn’t. Even though the fool deserved it twenty times over, and then some, he wouldn’t hurt him because you didn’t want him to. Fuck, holding himself back was hard. Taming the relentless beast that was known as anger was a difficult task for anyone, but for Billy, someone who tamed it through impulsive actions, it was a lot harder. He was trying, though. For you.
Finally opening his eyes, he lolled his head to the side, pressing his cheek against the headrest, a few of his dirty blond ringlets sliding across his forehead with the movement, eyes training in on you. You gave him a conflicted smile, giving his hand one more good squeeze before letting it go. He brought it up to drag his palm down his face, cupping around his chin as he heavily sighed. As he parted his lips, just about to speak, the loud, annoyingly continuous blaring of a car horn suddenly invaded the dead-silence of the night.
‘HONK’ ‘HONK’ ‘HONK’ ‘HONK’
Both of your heads jerked to face the rear window, studying the vehicle that you both had been completely unaware was behind Billy’s car, being met with their headlights, which they then flashed from high beam to low beam a few times to catch your attention. Though the horn had done a well enough job of accomplishing that task. How had you both missed the car rolling to a stop behind you?
Billy cursed underneath his breath, shifting in his seat so that he could push down the small lever beneath his gearshift on the center console, his window rolling down completely. Throwing his arm out, the coolness of the night’s air instantly went to nipping at his skin as he flipped the unknown person in the car the bird, staring at the distressed guy behind you through the rearview mirror. “Drive around, you fuckin’ idiot! There’s literally nobody else on the goddamn road!”.
You couldn’t help but laugh, shaking your head as he hollered out the window, words barely cutting through as the horn continued to beep and beep like the only job the person pressing it had was to annoy the piss out of an already angry Billy. Just what was this asshole’s problem? It was one a.m. and sure, Billy had thrown his car in park in the middle of the lane and you guys had been sitting there for a few minutes, but this was one of the deadest little backroads in Hawkins. Nobody else was driving on the opposite lane, all they had to do was whip their car around Billy’s and be on their merry little way. Didn’t look like that was in their itinerary, though. No, in fact it seemed that they were just going out of their way to deliberately try and be as much of a nuisance as possible.
“I don’t think they’re going to stop until you move.”
You spoke through a fit of laughter, pointing out the obvious as Billy’s frustration reached a new level, not even slightly amused as the person in the car didn’t even realize how close Billy was to stomping his leather boots to their car, dragging them out through their window and laying their ass out on the road. His hand already twitching as it got closer to grabbing a hold of his door’s handle. Realizing what he was thinking, as with Billy his intentions were never hard to guess, you quickly cleared your throat loudly, bringing his attention to you for a second.
“Hey, don’t let that asshole get to you. Let’s just drive, okay? I have to be home soon anyways.”
After a heavy sigh left his lips, he nodded his head, relief flooding you as his hand moved away from the handle of the door. You would have been upset if he had narrowly avoided getting in trouble over Ryan, just to end up getting the law called on him anyways over some random punk who was just pushing all Billy’s buttons at the very wrong time. Not that there was really ever a good time to test Billy. Resting a hand on his gearshift, he stomped his boot onto the break and switched it to drive, not even giving you time to prepare before he quickly whipped the car around in a nauseatingly fast 180, one of your hands reaching out to grasp Billy’s forearm in an attempt to steady yourself, the other bracing against the dash. Coming to a stop, now on the opposite lane and facing the car that was behind you, you were fast to slip your seatbelt on, happy the sound of the horn had finally ceased.
Billy inched up so that his window was parallel with the other guy’s. Leaning forward to study the him, you noticed he looked to be in his late forties to fifties. Explains why he was being such an ass, as men that age in Hawkins always had a personal vendetta against teenagers, probably trying to relive the glory days when they ran the world. Not to mention Billy’s car was pretty infamous in this town, so it wouldn’t be too farfetched to say he probably knew who he was dealing with and had a grudge against him like most adults here did with Billy. They shared a heated glance before Billy flipped him off yet again, “Road’s clear now, shithead!”. Not wanting to stay any longer for the simple sake of the now red-faced man saying something back that made his self-restraint ween, he took his foot off the brake and booked it out of there. The back of your head flew to the leather headrest, hair whipping from the wind entering the car from his still-open window as he simultaneously skillfully and recklessly drove. You couldn’t help but laugh lightly, having gotten used to his crazy driving months ago and growing to enjoy it. It always made your stomach flutter with the rush of adrenaline as if you were riding on a rollercoaster. He gazed at you from his peripheral, a smirk gracing his lips.
After a minute or two he slowed down a little, the car still ripping down the dark, desolate road but at a more reasonable speed. Well, reasonable for Billy, anyways. The trees and sparse houses passed by in a blur as he took turn after turn, eventually leading to him taking a right onto the familiar street that brought the two of you driving through your quiet neighborhood. Although you knew you had to be home before your curfew, you also didn’t really want to. You abhorred the thought of being alone right now with your thoughts, knowing that nobody else in your house would be up aside from your mom, who would then go to sleep after making sure you came home so she could get her rest in for work. Though you didn’t have much of a choice, as you had to beg your mom to let you go to that party in the first place, with a curfew being one of her conditions. She’d ground you for months and wouldn’t let you leave the house for anything aside from school, work, and to run errands if you were late. You couldn’t help but sardonically smile at how you knew one of her punishments for you being late would have been that you couldn’t see Ryan outside of school for a couple weeks. Well, that wouldn’t count as very much of a punishment now. Hell, you wished you wouldn’t have to see him at school either.
You sighed as Billy pulled at the edge of your driveway, putting his car in park as you slowly moved to hook a hand around the seatbelt strapped across your chest. Your hand fell on the buckle beside your hip, though you just let it sit there for a moment, not quite ready to get out just yet. Billy turned to glance at you, watching you stare at your house with a troubled look. A look he hated to see on your face.
“Are you sure you don’t want to just ride around town for a little while or something?”
You looked to Billy, shooting him a sad smile at his, as always, perfect reading of your emotions. You shook your head from side to side, “I want to, but I can’t. My mom is waiting on me and you know how she is.” Although you really, really wished you could have taken him up on that offer, you had to be in your house in a couple minutes. You didn’t think you could withstand the wrath of your angry mom on top of everything else that happened tonight.
He nodded his head, looking just about as disappointed about you having to turn down his offer as you were. After a moment, you finally moved to unbuckle your seatbelt, letting it recoil back into its slot by the seat, shifting to your side so that you could face Billy. You shot him a small smile, hands clasping together on your lap, the pads of your thumbs circling against one another.
“Thank you for tonight, Billy. You’re my regular knight in shining armor.”
Although it was corny, you really meant it. Lord only knows what would have happened if Billy didn’t come along when he did. He always had a habit of making his appearance when you needed him the most, and if tonight wasn’t the perfect time for one of his psychic arrivals, then you weren’t sure when would be. He shook his head, dismissing your comment with a roll of his eyes and a snort.
“You don’t have to thank me. You know I’m always here for you.”
You smiled at his words, grateful to have someone like Billy as your friend right now. Although he had his whole ‘bad boy’ reputation at school, and for the most part it rang true, he was always kind and soft with you. You weren’t sure why it was like that, but you felt special to get to experience this side of Billy none-the-less. Though you couldn’t help but feel bad for making him your Agony Aunt. Even though it was mutual, and he always confided in you about his issues at home, you still felt like the problems you faced were too stupid and insignificant to rant about to him when he had things so much worse with his dad. Although you knew he didn’t think of it like that, and assured you that your problems were valid, you couldn’t help but continue to feel that way.
With a sigh, you shook the thought from your head, instead letting another one flood your mind as you moved to shift in your seat. You lifted your hand up and pulled down the sun visor, sliding the cover to the side so that you could look at yourself in the mirror. God, you were a hot mess. There was no way you could walk into your house looking like this, your mom would freak, and although you loved your mom very much and told her just about everything that happened in your life, this was a conversation you’d much rather have another day. With some embellished details, of course, because if she knew you were trying to walk home alone at night she would whoop your ass. Bringing your hand up to your face, you used your already ruined sleeve to wipe away at your smeared makeup, eyes ringed with the black from your eyeshadow and mascara. You looked like you belonged on the cover of a KISS album.
“I’ll start picking you up for school now, okay?”
Billy spoke after a moment, breaking the silence as his eyes study you rubbing at your face with the sleeve of your shirt and fixing your hair to make it look like you didn’t just get a five-hundred-pound bag of shitty luck dumped on you. You were confused for a moment, before a tinge of sadness suddenly pulled at your heart. That’s right, Ryan was the one that would pick you up for school and take you home afterwards. God, there were so many parts of your life that were filled with him, and it was going to be painful to have to adjust to life without him. Not to mention having to get used to the pain you would feel anytime he flooded your mind, too. Though you knew the ache would dull with time, it was still very raw right now. You shook your head, partly in response to Billy and also as a way to shake off the swell of emotions that had you wanting to tear up again.
“You really don’t have to do that, Billy. If anything, I can just ask my sister to drop me off on her way to work.”
Your voice was soft, nearly a whisper as you finished fixing your appearance, lifting the visor back up as you turned to peer at Billy through your eyelashes. He reached a hand out, and before you could even react, he had mussed your seconds ago freshly-tidied hair, the childish move eliciting a squeaky ‘Hey!’ from you as you went to readjust it yet again. He gave you a cocky smile, obviously happy with his actions. Annoying prick. Though you couldn’t deny the smile that pulled at your lips. You were happy for the quick shift in moods.
“No, I want to. I’ll be here to get you at seven.”
You shook your head, realizing that it wasn’t up for discussion and that Billy had already made up his mind. And what Billy wants, he gets. Not that you were upset with the outcome, in fact you were happy he cared so much for you to offer to do that, but you just didn’t want to feel like a burden to him. You were already feeling bad enough that he had to see you at a time like this. Though you really appreciated his kindness, heart swelling slightly. Bringing your hand up, you stroked at your chin as if it were a beard, seemingly in deep thought about his statement. Billy shook his head at you in response, grin tugging his lips.
“Alright, I guess you win. Thank you.”
And with that, you leaned over across the console, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek, his stubble tickling your skin slightly. He gave you a smirk, those pretty blue hues of his watching you as you shifted in your seat, heaving a heavy sigh as you slowly swung open the car door. You didn’t want to leave the comfort of his car, but you knew you had to, or else a bigger hell known as your mom awaited. Stepping out, you turned to poke your head back inside, giving him a wave, “Goodnight. Get home save, Billy.”. Shutting the car door behind you, you made your way to your front door, knocking a few times before being let in by your mother. Billy stayed, eyes watching your retreating form with a glint, making sure the door shut behind you and the downstairs lamp was cut off before he knocked his car in reverse and backed out of your driveway, thoughts of you clouding his mind the entire drive home.
guys i have been so mentally stable and responsible in college! also completely unrelated but last night my friend had to physically restrain me from drunk texting my summer crush (who still lives in georgia!!!) “we should kiss”
#i am doing so great !!! #umana says stuff #no one cares umana #alcohol mention tw #just realized that important context for this is me and anisa are no longer dating i'm not emotionally cheating on them i promise #we're still best friends tho !! it was a completely mutual breakup and we very much love each other still just not Like That
personal vent: i recently have come to the stunning realization that i’m most likely bipolar - (with my doctor’s help ofc.) that doesn’t make me sad - i’ve known that something is “wrong” with me since my first depressive episode at age 10. what i didn’t know is how much i would hurt the people closest to me during my various episodes - especially mania. I’d never ever experienced mania until this year - it’s terrifying. I felt like God, not really, but I felt so Good, and simultaneously BAD. My mind moved at the speed of sound, and words i didn’t even have the time to process would just spill out of my lips or fingertips. And they hurt people.
I also have been hurt by those people that I hurt in turn. I don’t consider myself to be inherently mean or vindictive, but I had felt so thoroughly neglected by the people i’d called my best friends for my whole life. I saw how they went out of their way to exclude me and it just killed me inside, knowing that they didn’t want to know me anymore. And in retrospect : I GET IT; I was thoroughly unpleasant to be around during this time. That being said, simply ghosting your “friend”, trying to get her twin to institutionalize her, or simply Just Not Being There, Ever : is NOT okay in any way shape or form - it’s Unforgivable. So I burnt those bridges, well, more accurately I blew them up with dynamite. And it’s not that I even regret the things I said - I meant them - I regret the way I said them. I could have been kinder. But even in the mental clarity I now feel following The Worst Episode of My Life - I know that everything that has happened this far is for A Reason. And that these people are not going to be good for me to be around, because in my rock bottom : They Abandoned Me. Even after I tried to reconcile : They Ditched Me. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind to the ways/intentions of others, but I guess being wildly manic/depressed most of your life can cause you to develop some pretty serious blind spots. Also: I’m not even sure what this means, but my MRI results finally came back and they’re …. not great? Apparently I have severe demyelination in the left prefrontal cortex of my brain : they’re not sure what caused it other than my (not serious) history of migraines and Whatever Happened To My Mind/Body this year - still no word on that. So yeah: I have some answers, and for now they’re going to have to be enough.
Because I don’t know what to title this…I’m writing from my phone raw and unedited. I say as if my writing when I try is any good. I’ve been thinking a lot about all the people I met online because of the pandemic lately. Mainly because it was around this time I started cultivating what I thought would be lasting friendships. I’m an idiot who tries to keep people in my life forever because as a…