#funny stories Tumblr posts

  • thejollywriter
    14.05.2021 - 6 hours ago

    went and broke my own heart. Thinking about how much trouble I’m having getting published, getting any traction, getting ANYWHERE at all with making a living as a writer. Went back through my submissions book to see how many books i’d actually submitted. at least two weren’t written in those pages, but that’s not the point. 

    I turned down my first book deal at 18 because it seemed like a bad deal and I still thought I was special, so I just kept on charging on. 

    The last story I got paid for was 2014. Seven years ago. And in that book of records are a dozen plus short stories that I submitted, and failed to place, and two books i submitted everywhere, and failed to place, and a third book I have no fucking idea how to sell because i’m trans and i’m writing about wlw and if i run my legal name then i’m fetishing wlw and if i say i’m trans then i have to count on an agent being willing to listen, at ALL. 

    if i was cis, i wouldn’t have this problem, I’d’ve sold the goddamn book already. 

    And it just keeps on hurting because I am 30 and i’m nowhere. I want to think I’m a better writer, now, than I was at 18. But only one person reads my writing, and, they’re biased. 

    i’m so tired i could cry. 

    #personal #i'm probably gonna delete this later but i'm trying not to be jealous of my friends' success but god #i am. i really am. and i'm mad that i am #i'm mad that i'm not quirky and cute and have fun life stories that make for easy sharing and memes so i can build a following #i don't have funny brain thoughts #i am fundamentally unlikable in a lot of ways #and i just wanna cry tbqh
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  • tall-tale-sims
    14.05.2021 - 9 hours ago

    Not So Berry Challenge: Enrollment & Another Promotion

    Mindy has officially enrolled in University to further her career and get that money honey! She will be going to Britechester of course since they offer Biology and Villany >:) so it should be fun times!

    She also got ANOTHER promotion at her job! So yay for being Junior Tinkerer now. Her invention are sure to WoW the world!

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  • tall-tale-sims
    14.05.2021 - 11 hours ago

    Not So Berry Challenge: A Promotion!

    After one day of work, Mindy was promoted already! She invented the sim-ray at work and ended up freezing a co-worker instantly with it. It was hilarious to her! Not so much for the co-worker. >.>

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  • electronicpoliceduck
    14.05.2021 - 12 hours ago

    Conversation that just happened.

    Me: *having super bad painful hiccups* My whole body hurts.

    Husband: Well, they say beauty is pain.

    Me: My whole life has been pain, so I must be drop-dead gorgeous by now.

    Husband: THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN SAYING.

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  • tall-tale-sims
    14.05.2021 - 12 hours ago

    It's Mindy's first day at her new job and she has already become pretty friendly with the receptionist, George Cahill and the lab technician who was kind enough to offer her some Baconite. That will come in handy! She also got to test her green thumb for the first time and found out, she loves gardening! Her first invention, a type of robot was built as well!

    But let's see if things continue to progress like this.

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  • rhymecrown
    14.05.2021 - 12 hours ago

    for some reason instead of journaling i just think my thoughts out loud

    #like i tell stories to myself sometimes- #or i’ll tell myself about a funny thing i saw and start giggling #but i feel like im the only person who will listen to my own fun experiences and strokes #*stories wtf#mango posts
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  • tall-tale-sims
    14.05.2021 - 13 hours ago

    Not So Berry Challenge: A Neighborly Welcome

    The neighbors have infiltratred the house I mean welcoming Mindy to the neighborhood! They brought their typical nasty fruit cake. Is this a real thing irl by the way? Do new neighbors always get welcomed with some gross fruit cake? Like who thinks “you know what someone new to the neighborhood would really appreciate? A nice lumpy gross fruit cake” lol. I just can’t see it...Anyway...

    They look so out of place too don’t they? I mean here’s Mindy all green, the h ouse is green, everything is basically green and these neighbors are just sooooo...not green. >.> This is gonna happen tho obviously. 

    Can’t wait to see how her first day of work goes! XD 

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  • mind-ravens
    13.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    Empire Newspaper (1)

    ZOMBIES RETURNED IN THE GRAVEYARD OF THE SCREAM THAT LAST FOREVER

    Two zombies found on the graveyard, where the mysterious screaming grave lies.

    .

    May 11th early afternoon 20 men were saying their last goodbye to their loved one. The emotions were high. One person decided to take a little walk on the graveyard to settle down his feelings. Till he discovered something...

    The men looked down into an open grave, where he saw two zombies. Fresh in the man's memory from the zombie apocalypse in November 2012. He felt Necessary to have them eliminated. He called the others, warning them for the zombies. Herotic, the others were they came over. They started to drown the zombies with sand. soon discovered this wasn't quite effective...

    A lady looked around and saw a nearby building place, she ran over and asked the working men for help, they offered a metal plate which was moved by one of their machines to the grave, locking the two zombies into the grave.

    victory!

    It wasn't over yet. The zombies didn't appreciate being captured and tried to escape by banging against the plate.

    Someone at the building pit told us later, he came up with the idea of a glass cast. Because, zombies hate sunlight and heat, capturing underneath and trapped in glass would serve for a certain death. that is why he brought in the heavy glass construction. Putting on top of the grave, while the metal plate got removed.

    It seemed like it was a victory for the people once again. until...

    A pre-teen girl ran over and started to scream and tried to push the glass cast aside. Of course, the girl had no chance against this heavy construction, till all of a sudden people appeared from nowhere and assisted the girl. This adds more evidence to the portal of the underground which is somewhere on the graveyard.

    The mythical creatures appearing to existence were able to move the cast away and free the zombies. After the event they vanished with the preteen girl.

    A few otherworldly beings remained, the man started to fight one of them while the other one, a potential wizard summoned it's scythe and fought the man. The man lost it's life and vanished, most likely captured and transported to live the rest of his existence in the underworld.

    The zombies are missing but surely will return, They. Are. Real. One person recognized The Butt Slicer, one of the epic battlers who gave up it's life against The Royal Prince. In a duel 8 months ago.

    It is unknown when they would reappear and take their chance to eliminate our humans and take back what ever belonged to them.

    #Empire newspaper#newspaper#stories#mindscape#innerworld stories #too funny too ignore so that's why it's posted #Posted by Andey #Story written by whoever writes the newspapers #plural things#actual plural#plurality#background stories
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  • lazuliquetzal
    13.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    Opening Line Tag Game

    Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20, just list them all!). See if there are any patterns. Chose your favorite opening line. Then tag 10 of your favorite authors!

    tagged by @theinternationalacestation.

    I'm just gonna go ahead and do 10 stories because I'm not touching the fic I wrote in high school.

    Can't wait to see how Predictable and Formulaic I am! Let's go!

    Opening Lines:

    “Hey, Sanada. You gonna come to practice today?” At the sound of his name, Sanada Shunpei tears his gaze away from the classroom window. When he finds himself back in reality, his teammate is sitting on the desk in front of him, arms crossed and a judgmental frown on his lips. (Sophomore Slump)

    Miyuki’s having a water break when he hears the tell-tale signs of chaos happening over on the other field. So naturally, he has to drop everything to go see what all the fuss is about. (AA Batteries)

    Sawamura will readily admit that he has a prejudice against city folk. (Theseus' Paradox)

    "Psst. Wake up." [A/N: This one was actually a drawing.] (Blackout Blues)

    Fuming at the sight, Takumi takes the soccer ball into his hand and kicks it with pinpoint accuracy. It hits Yuuto square in the back. (An Idiot's Guide to Defeating Writer's Block)

    “Whatcha got there, Sawamura?” Sawamura, sitting cross-legged on the floor, looks up to see Kuramochi leaning over him. In response to the question, he holds up the item in his hands and beams with pride. (Candid)

    Gertrude stares across at the uncomfortable young man sitting in her office. He’s eyeing her desk with something close to disgust, scowling at the loose papers and the organized chaos of the Archives. (Reflection)

    As soon as I step out of the Academy classroom, Ume steps close and grabs my shoulders. Kazuki hovers just beside her. “You passed, right?” Ume asks, eyes deadly serious. (Denial and Deterioration)

    First rule about writing fanfiction: you don’t talk about writing fanfiction. (B.N.F.)

    Duke is in the middle of his post-school nap when an incessant buzzing interrupts his dreams. His hand snakes out and snatches the phone off of his nightstand. This had better be good. (oh, where do i begin?)

    Disclaimer: Some of these are dialogue, so technically some of these are two lines, but I tend to think of these as units. So I think it still counts.

    My Personal Favorite

    "Sawamura will readily admit that he has a prejudice against city folk." is my personal favorite! The story it's from is not, but I like the snappiness and the Instant Character.

    General thoughts:

    WELL, I don't consider myself a very technical writer, so I'm not surprised that many of these are just straight-up dialogue and direct thoughts lmao. Do you want to know where the characters are? What the setting is? Do you want something memorable and poetic? Too bad! All you get is my fifth-grade level prose!

    I am... not deliberate with my opening scenes. At all. I actually have no clue how I start stories: I sit down, the first scene appears, and then I reread the scene and decide if I can continue it or not.

    If I had to analyze myself: I like starting off with dialogue because 1) it's safe, dialogue is my comfort zone, and 2) I exposit through dialogue. If you look at the speaking lines above, they're mostly questions. And even if you go to the other fics, you'll see that I generally enter the dialogue with a relevant question. That's because (opinion incoming) small talk shouldn't exist in fiction unless absolutely necessary. Ask your questions, get your answers!

    I think it's nice to start off with answers. Specifically, I think it's nice to start off with wrong answers --

    ajfd I don't think my opening lines are necessarily 'strong' which is something I may have to experiment with in the future.

    UHH, TAGGING?? don't feel pressured also if you want to do this and i didn't tag you just go ahead and consider yourself tagged @blaizekit @dragonwarriorwriter @xxsolar-writesxx @ellie-tarts

    #when i say 'fifth-grade level prose' it's not self-deprecating: my sentence-to-sentence writing is very simple #that's just a fact! most of my brainpower is reserved for plotting #I think of my stories holistically tbh. very few of my jokes are funny without context #none of my scenes are good without the others #my opening lines require scenes #i shall work on this hee haw #lazuli writes#lazuli content
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  • jeks-tgs
    13.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    In my ABO AU, babies/pups/kits (I don't know, they're all interchangeable for this story) get 'milk drunk' like kittens do, so shortly after nursing is the best time for the papas to get some well-deserved rest

    #tgs#tgs au #the glass scientists #jeks abo au #two makes a mischief au #omegaverse #alpha beta omega #abo #it's kinda funny how my darker stories tend to inspire cuter drawings for me #like the story is overall very dark and depressing because it's from the viewpoint of Jekyll who is an Omega #and deals with his trauma and struggles in a world that views him as a pet or object #but all my brain can focus on right now is 'Jekyll and Hyde caring for the pups together as an Omega/Omega couple' #I wanna name the babies after herbs but all I have so far is Rosemary for the Beta cub #I just realized I get to have more Robert 'How Do I Dad' Lanyon content which is always a plus #Lanyon looking at the babies like 'medically I know the basics of how you develop but also Are You Developing Correctly I Am Stressed' #there is no 'fun dad' 'serious dad' 'laidback dad' either all three of them are overprotective and panicking #Mod Jeks #Jeks do a draw
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  • tmsartbazaar
    13.05.2021 - 1 day ago
    #i am not fat i am bold #i am not fat #i am bold #fat#bold#funny stories#funnyshit#gym motivation#motivatingwords #men's perfect tee #tshirt#tshirtstore#tshirtshop#tshirts
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  • breaddo
    13.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    society if my brain worked half as well thinking abt my ocs and stories as it does thinking about obscure aus 

    #my brain only grows when i think about my silly little aus thinking about the intricate rituals and parallels and funny jokes #and then i look at my own stories and go uhmmm?? the fuck is this? what do you want me to do with this? #why couldn't i get brainrot for my own stuff...what the hell is a old italian men people think fucked one time in portugal three years ago
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  • weirdbutdecentart100
    12.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    Whats the craziest dream that you’ve guys ever had?

    I’ll tell you mine first. I actually don’t remember most of the dream but I do remember the end part which was the weirdest part. basically the dream starts off weird to me on top of the hill and I’m dressed as Jill from the nursery rhyme Jack and Jill. all of a sudden my irl younger brother appears and he’s dresses as a witch like green skin, pointy nose, black dress everything. And two of my classmates (I think one of them was @whatdoyouwanttobeca11ed) were on top of the hill and they were dressed like me. now this is the weird part. My brother, how do I say this, pushed me in a barrel that he just had on him for whatever reason and pushes me down the hill. And then all of my classmates (the rest of them suddenly appeared) start laughing at me and saying that I should stay in the barrel...because they all hated.  and I woke up so I’m not sure if dream-me ever got out of the barrel. I have told literally all of my in life friends this dream over and over again (just ask @whatdoyouwanttobeca11ed).

    Personally I believe the meaning is to never trust your siblings, otherwise they’ll humiliate you by putting you into barrels. Or just don’t go on hills idk 🤷‍♀️

    #i think im really funny #funny stories#weird dreams #weird as hell
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  • h-a-w
    12.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    discord trapped me in gay fish hell for an hour

    might post screenshots later, there are 26 of them in total, might have to condense them into less images

    #funny stories#funny #literally what do I tag this as
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  • hello-hello29
    12.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    Mother's day

    So on mother's days day my oldest brother who is 27 took my sister and I to our mom house.

    brother: I have never heard you curse

    me and my sister thinking: we curse all the day not in front of family tho

    me: nah I am good

    brother: come one just say fuck

    my sister: no I don't want you to tell mom

    brother: I won't

    me and my sister: *shakes are heads no*

    brother: come on sisters name

    me: *getting bored cause they turned the radio off*

    me: Bitch

    *truck goes quiet*

    me:*starts laughing*

    brother: see come on

    my sister still wont

    me: just say fuck damn

    me:*realizes what I said stays quiet*

    brother:*wasn't paying attention to me so is still trying convince my sister

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  • firstof-storm
    12.05.2021 - 1 day ago

    Sometimes if there’s a really long post written in all caps I can’t finish reading it because it gets too loud in my head

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  • lou-fi
    12.05.2021 - 1 day ago
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  • tisxafeelin
    12.05.2021 - 2 days ago

    I looked,

    He was already staring

    And then,

    I woke up.

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