I’m someone you can take home to meet the parents but also obliterate in your old bedroom
I’m someone you can take home to meet the parents but also obliterate in your old bedroom
My hair is blue that’s cool I guess (also don’t bully me for being outside, I’m outside my house, I swear)
Had some tea with friends after a long week, damn missed them a lot ☺️
first time to wear color in a while lel
This ain’t reddit but
Entitled Classmate: Ew I hate Bisexuals
Me:I hate people who are straight
Entitled Classmate: Being gay is a sin
Me:SHUT UP BISH I DON’T GIVE A SH°T IF I GO TO HELL, I AIN’T BELIEVING THAT GOD HATES GAYS
The whole classroom:°silent°Share mo lang
Me:FYI I’M NON-BINARY
I’m gay in general but most of the tradition here in the Philippines treat people like me as a laughing stock, energy producer and I’m tired of this’’filipino gay stereotype’’.
I mentioned in my last post that I would continue to write about my identity. So here it is. This is essentially the purpose of my blog. I’d like to find community somehow, somewhere, because I do not believe I fit anywhere right now. Which also feeds into my desire to move, run away, start over, etc. I am a gay, Filipino and white male. This, at face value, may not seem so bad. But through past experiences and the culture of our country, it’s really fucking terrible lol. I mentioned before that my dad basically raised me in a white kid’s culture, even though I’m not. I have no ties to my filipino background except for the food. My dad is highly conservative, religious, and republican. I wrote about this on my phone, so I think I will just copy what I wrote on to here. I was highly emotional at the time, and it was also around the time that Trump got elected.
I have been thinking about my place in my community a lot more. I have also been thinking about my place in this country. I have no culture. I belong to nothing. Where does someone who belongs to no community go? I do not fit in here. I mapped it out: the various communities that I could potentially fit into. But I do not. I am marginalized before I am even given a chance. I am too poor to even attain some sort of status. I am too lazy and anxious to try to find another job or apply for school. I do not have the willpower to improve my life for my own sake. The power has been stripped away from me. And I am not sure if it’s because of my past experiences, my own self-deprecation, or the trauma that I have. I don’t recognize myself as the strong-minded, independent 17-year-old I was.
So what community do I belong to? I live in San Antonio, a city that is dominated by Mexican culture. I am primarily Filipino and Polish. I am brown. I am presumed to be Mexican by everyone. I am not. I do not belong to the community people on first glance assume I do. I do not share their holidays, festivals, experiences. I do not fit into the culture of San Antonio.
I am Filipino, but I have never fit in with other Filipinos. I can identify with the food. But I do not speak the language. I am different and further separated from them by a language barrier. I am also half white, which is deemed as “better than” by the Filipinos I’ve met. My filipino family, something that is highly significant to the culture, does not live in San Antonio. I only have my mom, my brother, and my sister. I can not relate to them. My mom doesn’t understand me, literally, because of her poor proficiency in the English language. My brother is straight af and is never around. And my sister goes to a baptist private school that is brainwashing her to basically hate me. My father stripped me of my Filipino heritage by taking me away from my family, preventing my mom from teaching us Tagalog, and never celebrating or taking us back to experience the culture. I do not fit into the Filipino culture.
I am Polish, but my skin is not white. My family in San Antonio is white. I am brown. I do not relate to their experiences of privilege, and they cannot relate to my experiences with racism. I am not white.
I am gay. My family is religious. They denounce homosexuality. They have stickers that say marriage is reserved for one man and one woman. I cannot speak to them about my relationships or any of my struggles with being gay. I do not fit in with my family.
I am gay and Filipino. Everyone in the gay community knows how much privilege the gay whites have. I am merely a fetish. I am not seen for my intelligence, my individuality, or any of my interests. I am brown, and therefore I am less than white men. Not many people like me in San Antonio because I am seen as “common;” people mistake me for being Mexican, remember? So I am not unique, but just another fetish. Even if I wanted to make friends, I would be judged by my appearance first before I am even given a chance. And this is perpetuated by porn. White men are the standard, seen as most beautiful and the pinnacle of masculinity. Everyone else is to be dominated. Colonialism is still alive and well.
My roommates are both white and cannot relate to my struggles. One of them is my ex, Austin, and the other is a limited-experience girl that isn’t the brightest. I can’t talk to her about much because she has a short attention span and honestly doesn’t relate or care about anything that she hasn’t any experience with. Austin understands a great deal, but whenever I call him out for using his privilege (he’s a cis gay white male), he changes the subject or gets so uncomfortable that he doesn’t know what to say or do. Doesn’t change the fact that what he does really affects me, and he does nothing to help me out in any way. All in the name of getting more white twinks over so he can have fun, when I’m in the next room over feeling like shit because I can’t even get one decent person. On top of this, I am told by the owner of the house, Austin, that I cannot nail anything into the walls or really do anything to customize my bedroom. Not to mention I do not have privacy when I want to use my computer, because I have to use an Ethernet cable to play games and the router is downstairs. My room is upstairs. He won’t run a cable through the house because he doesn’t want to look at it. So I get no privacy or time alone, I play in the living room. A common living area. Where they think I am there to socialize with them. But I don’t want to all the time, so I get mad and irritated sometimes, naturally. I don’t have the option, and yet they get upset at me for being snippy with them. I do not fit in with my roommates, and I don’t feel like I belong in this house.
The way this country is headed does not make me feel comfortable with my future. Trump’s America is a place of hate, stupidity, and backwards thinking. My family all voted for him. Another reason for me to feel separate from them. I just wish people would open their eyes and see what the fuck they are doing. Every time I hear about anyone being beat up by a cop, or by straight people, or anytime I hear about someone disenfranchising a human being that deserves the same respect as anyone else, it just makes me hate living here even more and more. This is not the country that I was raised to believe in. These are not the values I was taught by my conservative, Christian father. Honestly this country is going to shit, and I really do not want to fit in here. I genuinely want to leave.
Finally, I have friends, each with different interests. And a few of them I greatly cherish, but I have few. And most of them I do not see. The people I see on a daily basis are not the people I can connect well with at all. It would be nice to just find someone that shared similar taste in music with me. Someone that enjoyed being outside and exploring the city or the countryside. Someone that understood math, liked gardening, enjoys looking at birds and fish. Someone that I can play video games with, or just drive around in silence and be completely content with that. Someone that I can talk to about everything. But I don’t have someone in my life that fulfills many of those things. I settle for just a few of those things with some people, and most people I know don’t have any of those qualities. They’re just people I get along with and small talk with at work. I have never really felt connected to very many people, and I crave new connections. I do not fit in with the people I see every day.
And so this was a long post, but it explains where I’m at. I don’t know where I fit, or if I will ever fit anywhere, or if it’s all part of me just manipulating myself into being sad. But, I don’t feel like I fit anywhere. And maybe I should strive to not fit anywhere, but it just hurts to see other people live such simple existences because they’re white and straight and can relate to a bunch of other white and straight people. I guess I should just get used to it. Idk. If you wanna help me out or if you have any questions, feel free to message me. I’d really like the conversation.
I’m so angry at my family. My Facebook feed has been swarming with articles about how they stand with Pacquiao against “LGBT bullies.” I’ve never felt so separated from them.
The worst part is knowing that even if they knew I’m not straight they would still post the same things.
It’s a hard thing being gay. It’s harder still coming to grips with your sexuality without someone telling you what it truly means. You’re lost in this personal hell of internal turmoil where the cost of liberation might be further damnation. You don’t really know what’s happening. You just know that you have these feelings that you can’t explain, yet you’re afraid to talk about it with others for fear of their disgust and retribution. You’re lost and alone, not knowing who to consider friend or foe, whilst struggling to understand why you’re so different. In the end, you become desperate. Your need for self-understanding becomes so great that you would willing trade your individuality for an image, just to make sense of it all. An image created by people who are no better than you in terms of their ignorance. An image that has become the modern stigma of a gay Filipino.
Being gay in the Philippines isn’t all that bad. People are now more accepting of gay people and for the most part, are as much a piece of this country’s culture as any other Filipino. However, in this very fundamental Catholic nation, homosexuality is still considered a taboo. As a result labeling yourself as gay is the same as playing a role rather than being an actual person. Here, gay people are portrayed as these caricatures from a culture of yesteryear. In the public eye, being gay is the same as being a drag queen; effeminate clothing, derisive humor, overtly flamboyant and at times, extremely sensitive. They’re either the snarky and sassy comedian or the soft and sensitive best friend. Don’t get me wrong though, I sometimes love being the sarcastic side-kick who always has a sharp quip to throw or that flamboyant best friend you just can’t wait to share the current gossip with. But, in Philippines, these aren’t perceived as mere personas that vanish as soon as the wig comes off. Here, this would be your whole life. Identifying yourself as gay would be defining yourself as this stereotype for the rest of your days. This is because most Filipinos don’t want to portray being gay as “natural” or “normal”. Start talking about things like a gay relationship or even acknowledge the love between two people of the same sex, then censors would rain down on you like bats out of hell. Any form of humanizing homosexual behavior is automatically considered “inappropriate” behavior. Yet, they would willingly allow gays in media just as long as they portray themselves as these extremes. As characters and not real people. The saddest thing about this though is that everyone is conned-in by this image. To be gay you needed to be this mean and sarcastic put-down artist or this weak and pathetic girly boy. It’s just heartbreaking to know that in order to be gay in this country, you need to forfeit your freedom to be your own person.
It was, not long ago that I found myself falling for this same mindset. I am fortunate enough, though, to have been educated on the diversity and vibrance a true LGBT community can bring. It has given me the strength and awareness to be my own gay man. A gay man who will not let other people dictate who he is and who he can become. I will not let myself be pushed into a role I have no business playing. I have found my own voice in a see of thousands. A voice that won’t be silenced. A voice that would continue to push the boundaries of what is “accepted” when it comes to the person he loves. It is by identifying with that shared history-a history of hardships, struggle and love-that I no longer find myself lost and alone. I now stand, tall and proud, as a liberated gay Filipino, ready to fight for my right to be me.
It is rare that I post through my laptop, but that’s only because my phone is usually with me so I post through my phone. I’m bringing this up because there are a few features unavailable through the Tumblr app. Like, you can’t necessarily search tags. Well, I can’t do that on my phone’s app at least. I felt like looking up certain tags to see if there were any interesting blogs to follow. So, I typed in “LGBT Filipino” and “lesbian Filipino” to see if anything would come up. Nothing. None. I typed in “Asian lesbian” and one blog popped up:Queer Muslims (which I am now following.) However, as disappointed as I was to not find anything else, I wasn’t surprised. It is quite difficult to find blogs specific to what I was looking for. I did type in “qpoc” and a few things popped up. When I typed in “lgbt” a bunch of things popped up, but there were only a few that featured people of color. It’s hard enough to find good LGBT specific blogs to follow. Narrowing it down makes it harder. I wish there were some inclusion of the tags: LGBT Filipino, lesbian Filipino, LGBT Asian. I guess that won’t happen until someone actually tags posts about those specific topics. I’m sure there are LGBT Filipinos out in the Tumblr world, but where? Maybe it starts here.