Me: so yeah, I think I prefer he/him pronouns :)
Neopronouns, lurking: __|👄👁
Me: so yeah, I think I prefer he/him pronouns :)
Neopronouns, lurking: __|👄👁
being nonbinary is too intimate for me like. super love and adoration to people who can be publicly nb but every time someone asks me if i’m uncomfortable with a gendered term or what my pronouns are or how i see my own gender the answer is ‘you have overstepped. we are not that close’
which isn’t to say i’m NOT nonbinary but just that i have no regret in deciding to make that a private detail about myself, and in fact will probably be moving to make it less commonly known. it’s literally not their business
not to be stoned on main but trying to like figure out what spiritual beliefs I actually feel to be true and like pick a path or religion or whatever feels exactly the same as figuring out my gender which is to say it evolves a lot but gets closer and closer to the right answer every time and it requires equal parts academic research, personal and community connections, and gut feeling and the euphoria when something does click in incredible
as i’ve transitioned back into filling a female social role, i’ve been thinking quite a lot about Niceness and the ways it’s historically been demanded of me in this role, and how that’s one of my primary discomforts with being a woman. i am tired of putting on a show of eternal amicability, of burying my own thoughts and feelings to keep the peace, and of doing things i don’t want to do just because someone asked me to. i don’t want to be aggressive or cruel. i value kindness. i want to be caring and courteous and to not hurt others. but i don’t want to be nice anymore. i don’t want to double my discomfort to avoid you having to feel any of your own. i don’t want to fake laughs and smiles. i want to mean it
a conversation with a coworker reminded me that i just haven’t expressed to people that my birth name is My Name again and they are actually free to call me that. i really like ari but it’s not going to be my legal name and it’s not like. Compulsory that you use it? it’s basically a more gender neutral nickname that literally one person called me like twice in college but i loved being called so i brought it back 5 years later lol
Beyond the Identity
We feature today J K Rowling. I will confess to being a fellow-traveller of the Harry Potter franchise, charmed by the films, never having found the time to read the books, as other works presented themselves to me.
I confess also to being irritated by Ms Rowling’s interventions in gender identity, the most recent regarding her new, pseudonymous crime thriller. But I refuse to allow hatred and indignation to occupy my head, anymore than a great author’s own seditious musings. It is possible to be a great writer and also to be human. To have flaws and opinions which jar with otherwise enlightened opinions. And though I disagree with where Joanne Rowling seems to be going, I respect her right to free speech.
Only by parking our indignation can we de-escalate the bitterness that breaks us into smaller and smaller groupings “each one sequestered in it’s hate”.
Well um, this is my gender jOurnal and shit. I’ll probably talk about other stuff in my life as well. Lets do a little intro for now
So I’m Azriel, I go by any pronouns at the moment, I also hoard xenogenders along with being sort of genderfluid/pangender idk though. I’m somewhere on the aro-spec, maybe aroflux, and I’m omnisexual. For your information I am a minor though, between 13-16 years old. I wont tell you the specifics for personal comfort. I suspect that I have mild existential issues and/or a personality disorder. I am not in the right situation to get a professional diagnosis nor have I done enough research to do a self dx. Though thats very valid of me.
I’ll admit that flapping ones skirt-tails is hardly the zenith of female emancipation, but for me at least there is an enduring joy in this celebration of femininity and freedom. A simple printed cotton design looks lovely and is ideal for the peripatetic British weather.
alright random outpouring of emotions time
for years i was insecure about not being feminine. i wouldn’t wear dresses, skirts, put my hair up, or anything. i just chalked it up to not liking girly stuff. but i saw dresses and thought they were really pretty. there was this dance thing i used to go to every year and i would save up the whole year to get a pretty dress. each year i would have a lot of fun in the dress but somewhere in the night get very self conscious and hide in a back room. i didn’t know what this was but now i think it’s gender dysphoria? i’m not too sure since i’ve been an anxious person for a while. just last year i wore a dress for a halloween costume and it was slightly too big for me so you couldn’t see my chest and i was so happy the whole day. and now that i know im genderfluid these moments are so bittersweet because it’s me figuring myself out, but at the same time it’s the people i’m around enforcing that i’m a girl. now that i look back on it, i don’t think of myself as a girl, but i don’t think that i am who i am now.
im trying to figure out my gender identity and realising this has been a “thing” for me since i was a kid!
im female and most of the time i identify as such…but there are days or moments when i just…don’t! and i actually identify as male
im not sure what this means. i don’t know if im nb or gender fluid or just a gnc queer woman
but for now im gonna try using the name “rae” as it’s a shortened version of my name rachel and it’s also unisex. i’ll stick to she/her pronouns for the most part but on days when im identifying as male i’ll use he/him
I wish I could as easily (and successfully) change my own gender expression like I can in Animal Crossing!
It is a picture of me with a feminizing digital filter applied. It’s not vastly far off, but I don’t think it’s a look I could quite achieve. If I go on Hormone Replacement Therapy, my face will feminize - but my lips are definitely not as plump and my eyes not quite that big. It is a babelicious me, though, so I used it as a base for my blog’s avatar.
Below the fold, you can see how I actually look as of 19 Dec 2019.
I’m having really happy detransition feelings today! I’m so glad I made that choice and I’m so glad I feel like a woman again and I’m so glad my beard is almost gone and just!!!!
I was only waiting for this moment to be free.
(that’s a Beatles reference, for you young’uns)
This begins as a diary of my gender journey, from the first feelings that I wasn’t like the other boys to finally understanding that I have been a woman struggling to live as a man for all these years, and what happens next on this path of discovery.
I’m sure it will become much more than that, with time.
I almost asked to be called by my nby name today. Almost.
Well - really, more like I had a great opportunity to do so, but I didn’t take it. I hadn’t rehearsed it lately, so I couldn’t!
‘Cause like - I wanna use the name as partly convenience with this group? A friend has the same name as me irl and so me suggesting I go by something else will be for convenience (at least outwardly so, maybe). And I just didn’t ask today. Idk…
Although I did talk more abt the “not girl” thing sort of to a few friends! I think the more I talk about it, the more I feel it. If that makes sense. Like - so here’s a metaphor I’ve been thinking of. The “not girl”/agender stuff is like something that’s buried in the ground, with the surface dirt being “girl” - the more I talk about “not girl,” the more it rises up from the ground (like a zombie) and the more I feel it, but the less I analyze what I “feel” like (gender-wise) or the less I think about my gender, the less it comes to the surface (the more “”girl”” I am, or at least the less I think about it and therefor the less I’m bothered by finding it). Does that make sense? I’ll try another thing: say there’s a creek, and at the bottom there’s clay and sediment etc. When the creek is clear, that’s when I think the least about my gender and just live my life as-is. When the creek is cloudy from the sediment being stirred up, that’s when I’m thinking of my gender, and the more cloudy the water the more distressed I am about finding a label/figuring it out/etc., until it eventually settles down. Today was like a cloudy day, I guess, or at least it was very cloudy (couldn’t even see the bottom) and then it slowly cleared up some, but not fully (still thinking/worried abt it, I guess).
Idk, this is all marginally related and only related because its gender talk, I’m just rambling at this point. See y’all ✌🏻
It’s only been 2 ½ months since I stopped testosterone and already my beard hair is growing in more slowly. I went from a strong stubble on the first day I didn’t shave to now being able to go three days and shaving on the fourth
unfortunately no one can give you a gender or tell you how to present yourself
i wasted time looking for a How To Be Nonbinary handbook but plot twist: there isn’t one way to be nonbinary, or any gender really
gender and its expression are just what make you happy and comfortable, which seems easy but you have to navigate who society told you to be, and who everyone expect you to be, and people asking you when you’re going to decide, and everyone seems to have an opinion
and you have to learn the hardest thing, which is that nobody’s opinions matter about your gender except your own fucking opinions, and you have to decide for yourself how to dress and what to call yourself and how to be happy in your own skin
but after that? i think the sailing gets a little smoother, and there will always be storms but there will be sunrises too and i promise they’ll make you smile