I just have many Feelings right now and I don't know if I should ve thinking about this now when I'm this close to screaming with pain from the cramping but I just can't stop the thinking train and I just like want to cry and cried a few times this evening already and I don't get why because you know it's not like it's that big of a deal but I just I don't know can't stop thinking and I don't know if I am a boy or a girl or something else or honestly WHO am I. I. I think part of the problem is how separate are the lives I live online and in the real world because I on the internet just feel so disconnected from the body if I'm making any sense? Like, online I am not me, as in the person that occupies my body on planet Earth. I am my posts, I am thing I write, jokes I share, sometimes disembodied voice in a voice chat. And like, I get that technically it's still me, but also I am so different from how I am irl, like, the core is stoll me I guess, but just. Who I am online is not who I am irl. And like, online, I mostly interact with english speakers and I use they/them pronouns and non-binary label and I was quite happy with it. Still am I guess, but like, in reap life it just doesn't work like that for me, because I am a minor and I love in a country where there isn't really any official option besides male and female, not law wise, not language wise and I just hate hate hate being called a girl and being forced to wear dresses and I want to scream but I don't know if I want to be a guy or something else or if I just hate the social expectations put on women? And like I hate my body kind of, but do I hate it because I want to be skinnier/more muscular or because I hate the gendered aspects? I especially hate my boobs but do I actually hate them? Am I just being hypochondriac? If I didn't know about gender dysphoria, would I still feel the same? Am I just trying to be interesting and different? But than I remember I kind of always felt like this I just have words for it now, like, I remember being twelve and my boobs starting to grow and hating it so much, but maybe I'm just being retroactively hxpochondriacing and lying to myself, you know? And I don't know why I would lie to myself like this but maybe I just can't deal with being a basic girl but I really hate being called a girl and I don't know ehat the fuck am I who the fuck am I I am tired and want to cry and I don't. I don't know I just. Hate this so much. So much. Fuck my life.