Its that heavy feeling in your chest, that heavy pressure at the top of your nose and behind your eyes. Its the thoughts you have to crush before they can fully form because you don’t have time/don’t want to be stuck crying over something you cant change. Its the gaping empty chasm that’s left behind, the hole that’s been punched that you cant quite fill despite your best efforts.
Its the missing that gets me.
I do not accept, I am not reconciled. But one thing she did. She taught me the stupidity of the attempt to withdraw and be free of trouble and harm…One is not made pure by blowing water through the nose or by retiring from the treadmill. These are the ways we deceive ourselves… There is no way to step off the treadmill. It is all treadmill.
― Wallace Stegner, All the Little Live Things (Penguin Books, December 1, 1991, first published 1967
i was my own best friend
i took myself on dates
when he couldn’t take me
time alone was a solace
not something to be changed
not the way things are
until someone changes it
then you came along
and showed me friends are fun
my afternoons can consist of
more than coloring and waiting
but now you are gone
and i still cannot find
someone to replace you
and i don’t think i ever will.
how do i accept that?
October 17, 2020
Warning for ultra sadness… Writing idea I had. Might make as a fic. Could be a good thread.
Post apocalyptic episode in which a damaged Connor makes it his mission to carry Hank’s remains back to Detroit in order to bury him with Sumo. Along the way, he learns what it means to want to survive, and the lengths some will go to perpetuate their own.
Maybe I have Audrey Hepburn’s luck? She was divorced twice, she had miscarriages and then when she finally met Robert, she was diagnosed with cancer with no treatment at the time. She has been my idol for so long. I admire her. Looking at her have me confidence that even girls with small boobs can have sex appeal. Is it possible that I inherited her luck? And by luck I mean badluck?
You have been taken from me. I don’t know what to do. You have been stolen from me. You have been ripped out from within me. I don’t know how to get you back. And everyday, it’s the same shit all over again. I feel like I can’t breathe.
I don’t want it to be November. How can it be November already? How..? How? I miss you. I miss you. I miss you…
See you in my dreams, my sweet
“How each of us when we fall in love, we’re giving birth to a new ghost. Something that’ll follow us for the rest of our lives.”
“How the past and present can echo each other. That moments don’t fall like dominoes, but like confetti.”
Refuse to fall down
If you cannot refuse to fall down,
refuse to stay down.
If you cannot refuse to stay down,
lift your heart toward heaven,
and like a hungry beggar,
ask that it be filled.
You may be pushed down.
You may be kept from rising.
But no one can keep you from lifting your heart
It is in the middle of misery
that so much becomes clear.
The one who says nothing good
came of this,
is not yet listening.
— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, “A Prayer” in The Faithful Gardener: A Wise Tale About That Which Can Never Die (Published October 27th 1995 by HarperOne, first published January 1st 1992)
grieving does not mean hiding from my emotions.
i will not live in a world where i pretend
my boy never existed,
where i stop laughing at cat videos, even
if they make me cry after.
i lost my cat. sometimes that means
i see a cat that looks like him
and miss him
with a suddenly aching hollowness.
sometimes that means i see the photos of him
and laugh because i remember
who he was and what he did.
but my boy will not chase the falling leaves
or purr himself to sleep in my lap.
i was told once
that a purr means “stay with me”
it means comfort and safety. i held the blanket he
used to sleep on and wept without shame.
the earth remembers him, and we remember him.
that isn’t enough. but it’s all we have.
miranda july / holly warburton / richard siken / aaron diaz / ross gay / robert anton wilson
I feel this 24/7. Every night when i go to sleep, i hope that i don’t wake up the next morning, i think that i can’t do this all over again tomorrow, i don’t wanna do this anymore and every morning, i wake up wondering why do i even exist? I don’t wanna be here. It’s so hard to get through the day, even though i’m surrounded by two people who’s here, and they are always busy with each other and in work and i feel so alone. I feel so lonely. I’m used to being alone and feeling lonely, i’m used to feeling this way but now i’m grieving too and i got no one to talk to, nobody wants to listen. I always been venting on Tumblr about my mental health, a different account and now grief too. I wrote about my heartbreak, it’s my safe place to vent but it’s not like Tumblr can understand what i’m sayin or be there looolll. I don’t mind being alone, i love being alone. But i feel so lonely, misunderstood, unheard and unloved. Neither my parents or my elder brother ever ask me how i’m doing, neither do my 2 friends, 1 online best friend. Instead they are just like “ Stop being so bitchy and low all the time ” The other one, she just pretends to understand what i’m saying, or mostly they both don’t even bother or avoid me. It’s been a month and 2 days, it’s so hard to believe, one month ago she was fine, now she’s gone. She’s not coming back. How do i accept that?
Grief, The love you want to give but cannot. Love with no place to go.
twenty seventh of october two thousand and twenty
the last phone call we ever had got automatically erased from my call log today.
it was the last time we ever spoke.
my eighteenth birthday
i miss you so much