Working to create more grief
Working to create more grief
THE MOST HONOURABLE EARL KRISTOFF AND COUNTESS ANNA OF ARENDELLE ARE PROUD TO PRESENT THEIR CHILD, LADY ASTRID BJORGMAN, FOR THE UPCOMING SOCIAL SEASON. WE HEAR THEY’RE NURTURING AND CONSCIENTIOUS, BUT CAN ALSO BE OVERPROTECTIVE AND GULLIBLE. AND IT’S SAID THEY BARE A REMARKABLE RESEMBLANCE TO KENNEDY MCMANN, BUT THAT’S MERELY A COINCIDENCE. WE’RE SURE THEY’LL CAUSE QUITE A STIR IN THE TON THIS YEAR, BUT ONLY TIME WILL TELL.
FULL NAME: Astrid Iduna Bjorgman Mattias NICKNAME(S): N/A AGE/DATE OF BIRTH: 24, 12/24/1800 GENDER: Ciswoman PRONOUNS: She/Her HOMETOWN: Arendelle, North Auradon
DEATH AND GRIEF TW
arendelle was one of the... odder providences of auradon, if there were any. while some grand houses held the acquaintanceship of fairy godmothers and dwarves, dog-like creatures, and talking crabs, there were few that could boast a menagerie of sentient snow men, trolls who were self proclaimed love experts, the literal elements, or the fact that a literal reindeer was treated like a member of the family and had a seat at the dinner table. arendelle was an old land, but a mighty unconventional one. so it bothers astrid that she’s sort of normal in comparison. she doesn’t have her mother’s exuberant quirky energy, instead she inherited a quiet sensibility from her father. but she did have anna’s fierce loyalty and stubborn streak, as well as her sense of selflessness. she figured if she faced the ordeals her dearest mother had when she were around her age, astrid may prove to be as brave as her as well. but it was the 19th century, and positively nothing was that bad following the cauldron war. so she grew up quiet and sweet and incredibly gentle. motherly was a term most often associated with her, nurturing and warm.
she spent much of her youth traversing the safer parts of the enchanted forest, visiting with her aunts elsa and honeymaren, and the members of the northuldra tribe. she watched the earth giants slowly walk through the trees, giggled as gale blew her, her brother and cousin up in the air, snuggled the warm bruni, and watched the nokk from afar in utter awe. if they were not visiting family in the enchanted forest, then they were spending time with their father kristoff’s adopted family, the trolls, hearing stories of the past and the magic that flows nearby. or at the very least, she was following after her brother alongside that silly sentient snowman, uncle olaf, who, hilariously enough, was astrid’s god father. whatever they did, there was always something happening with the bjorgmans. family was incredibly important so they spent all their time focused on each other.
astrid adores none quite as much as her brother eivor. two years his junior, she looks up to him and deeply admires him. he was in a way the first person she mothered. where she was warm and gentle, eivor was more reckless and adventurous. she worried after him, even as a young child, and such a worry continues even into adulthood. she’s aware he is a grown man and can take care of himself, but it doesn’t stop her from checking in on him, fixing up his hair or anything out of place on his appearance, and making sure he’s healthy and well; bringing him homemade baked goods and the like, questioning whether he has had enough sleep. family was the focal point for the arendellians, and this manifested so strongly in how she attempted to look after him, though there are other reasons some argue astrid focuses too hard on eivor and their cousin (to be elaborated below)
the same dedicated watchfulness extended of course to jissika. astrid loves her brother, as previously illustrated, but she certainly wished she had a sister to emulate the relationship her mother and aunt shared. luckily she was given the next best thing in her cousin. while they didn’t live exactly close, anna and elsa made sure to raise their families closely, and so she spent a lot of time growing up with jissika. their bond felt less like cousins and more sisterly, at least she tried to make it so. it was exciting for her to have her cousin join them when they went into town. another young lady around was never a bad thing, especially if eivor was too occupied with lordship duties.
in short; she’s just a big family oriented softie.
it is somewhat surprising to see astrid in society again, especially since she hadn’t really been on the scene for seven years. but it was not for scandalous or odd reasons she had been so scarce in auradon city. following the close of her first season, at the tender age of 18, astrid had done exactly that which every young lady aspires to: she married. when she’d debuted in the spring of 1818, a doe eyed redhead anxious to appear before the queen, she’d not been exactly the most coveted young lady. she wasn’t deemed the diamond of the season, and she didn’t catch the eye of many a suitor. just enough to be called on and relatively busy for the better part of the season, but nothing too astonishing. she didn’t really seem eager to build connections anyway, though it wasn’t exactly because she didn’t like the men she met. the truth was that they just didn’t hold a candle to the object of her affections, the same young man she’d cared for since she was but a young girl running about in her village: dilon mattias, the son of the general destin mattias who lead security for the earl and countess of arendelle. not even the dandiest of lords could keep her attention from the strapping lieutenant back home. when he’d finally gained the courage to travel to auradon city to ask her hand, astrid ended her season swiftly and prepared to marry the only boy she thought could ever hold her fancy.
their’s was a charmed and blissful happiness, a match made out of love instead of obligation or nobility. as the younger daughter of an earl, it didn’t quite matter if she married for status anyway — and given her father was once an ice harvester, what did it matter of the humble origin or occupation of her spouse? what mattered to astrid was that she was happy, happy and in love with a wonderful man who she would spend the rest of her happily ever after with. what neither knew was that happily ever after would be far more short than any anticipated. she swears she remembers so little of that day and yet she has a strong impression of the feelings and notions of it. she had been fast asleep, in the wing of her family’s estate which she and her husband had occupied for five years now. it was a quiet and peaceful morning; the sun had been barely up and the sky was a dull gray. it was late winter, and a frost had settled upon arendelle over night. it would snow all day, and she would trouble dilon to go on a sleigh ride through the fresh snow later on once it settled. all was well... but as she slept lightly, a terrible feeling settled into astrid’s stomach. feeling sickly and sour, she woke with a start and reached beside her.... only to find an empty space instead of a warm body. upon the pillow lay a long note which she hastily read. a goodbye, should the events of that morning not go well.
the details are lost to her, and dilon’s confidant from that morning has yet to give her the peace of mind by telling her exactly what caused it. all she knows is this, sometime between all their bliss and happiness, dilon and another soldier had a falling out of sorts, which accumulated in a duel. they drew pistols at dawn, and dilon, afraid of the consequences as duels were outlawed and there was always a chance one wouldn’t return, did not dare speak a word to her about it. he had only revealed the plan in a letter left behind that very morning. realizing that dawn was upon her, astrid hurried to leave and find him, to stop the nonsense and preserve her happiness. but as she pulled on a coat and ran to get sven from his pen, there was already a footman leading a distraught soldier to the drawing room, followed by a servant calling on her. she didn’t meet with that man. she didn’t have to. she knew instantly upon news that one of her husband’s friends was there to meet with her what had happened. she can’t recall how long she was left there crumpled on the stables floor, sobbing, but it had been for most of that morning. tragedy struck, in an avoidable stupid way.
that was a year ago. the period for mourning, according to society, had now long passed, though astrid feels that she’s still in the throw of it at times. per her family’s suggestion, she has arrived in auradon city for the social season as a way to break out of her grief and socialize with her peers. she finds it somewhat humiliating, as it’s obvious that’s not the only reason she’s out again. to be a spinster is bad enough, but to be such a young widow can be an awkward predicament to find oneself in at court. the bjorgmans would like to see their daughter remarried and happy again. except to some people she is damaged goods, far too old and not handsome enough to tempt a second chance. she herself doesn’t entertain the idea. she had her one grand love, it would be selfish to expect another. instead she goes to be in the company of her cousin and brother, and the friends she’s made at court, to make new friends among the shadowborn and to play the part of a loving supportive role to the others seeking matches that season. it hurts her less to focus on their happiness than to think of herself and what she’s lost. it is for that reason alone she tolerates her return, tolerates being called by her maiden name instead of by her married one. as though the best way to forget is to erase it and pretend as though it never happened, something she has not come to terms with at all.
SEXUAL ORIENTATION: Heterosexual ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: Heteromantic FAMILY: Kristoff Bjorgman (father), Anna Bjorgman (mother), Eivor Bjorgman (Brother), Elsa Kristiansen (aunt), Honeymaren Kristiansen (aunt), Jissika Kristiansen (cousin), Dilon Mattias (husband, deceased), General Destin Mattias (father-in-law), Halima Mattias (mother-in-law) FACE CLAIM: Kennedy McMann HEIGHT: 5′8″ TITLE: Lady Bjorgman, Lady Mattias (though the family suggested she return to her maiden name to better her prospects at a second match) PINTEREST: (x)
last week was two years without my soul-mate. 7 years together seemed like such a short amount of time and now these last 2 years have felt like an eternity. weird how that happens. i’m not going to make some long sappy post, she knows just how much I love and miss her. i’m still learning to walk on two feet without her and it’s paralyzing at times but i’m figuring it out more each day. I can’t wait to see my girl and tell her all amount it. i’ll see you on the other side of the stars baby. until then i’ll see you in my dreams
wait oh my god dean spreading cas’ ashes in the meadow we find out in the episode called tombstone that the windmill is cas’ tombstone send tweet
my cat with osteosarcoma has been in a hospice-like situation for a few days and i cant help expressing how thankful i am for him. he was my first cat i adopted after begging my parents for years. hes been such a loving, comforting presence in my life as i struggled connecting with other people. ￼he has given me five years of true friendship im certain could never be overshadowed by another. i worship him with all of my ability to show my gratefulness towards him and peacefully lead him towards his final resting place, where he shall dine with fervor and play to his heart's desire. no longer shall he know pain, but feel eternal peace and serendipity.
I think that sometimes at night, God leans down and kisses our cheek. Maybe that's why we wake up in the morning. And when we don't wake up, maybe it's because He's taken us into His arms and is holding us close, like the Good Father he is.
i recently replayed portal 2 (again) and i'm trouble putting it into words but. the way that this story does grief is something that resonates stronger and strong with me the older i get and the more i lose.
just, the story of old aperture is a story told through scar tissue. it's a tragedy that tells you upfront it's a tragedy, that you can see the downfall before cave gets it on the tapes, but even so it still hurts in the end. the fact that cave johnson's last legacy is a recording of him breaking down over and to no one. the fact that caroline is so essential to glados that she would remain when glados is stripped to her most basic systems, but that unmaking is also the only way glados could remember her.
how grief is this cavernous structure under the surface that still pulses and some of the lights still flicker. that we are built on it even if we can't remember it's there.
you unlocked something that taught me about myself. you are trouble and you are bad for me and i love you and for that you have to go. and when you turn around, that which was your whole life looks so tiny from the outside.
I’m so sick and tired of running into people who repost / use my art without permission so here’s a reminder that I do NOT allow reposts and I do not allow people to use my art unless you ask me first.
Ok please lmk if any of this is contradicted by canon because I haven’t proofread it At All but I Am Thinking about the concept of sea-longing and the relationship that Elrond (and potentially at one point, Elros) might have had with it. We know that pretty much all of the Noldor who remain in Middle Earth experience the sea-longing, and we know that Earendil was one of the first to experience it. But specifically I’m thinking about how Elrond and Elros grow up in the Havens, at the point where the river sirion flows into the sea. And, though there father wasn’t exactly present for much of this, he was a sailor, they knew him, most likely, to be someone who was out at sea. Elwing probably gestures out into the Bay of Balar and tells her children that their father is out there somewhere, and they strain their eyes trying to spot him along the blue horizon line. Even besides that, they lived their for the first six-ish years of their lives, any memories of their mother that remained likely had, at the very least, the sound of breaking waves in the background. Their earlies memories untainted by trauma and grief all smell of the sea, their entire concept of ‘home’, the first home they ever had, is coloured by it. When they think of the ocean, is their first thought the deep rooted desire to sail, to leave middle earth, that all of the Noldor experience? Or is it an equally deep seated, aching sense of bittersweet nostalgia? Maybe both. Do they begin to blend into each other over time, until they can no longer separate the two.
And then Numenor falls. (and maybe someone who’s read the canon more recently than I have, or who has a better memory, can tell me: do we know if Elros was buried on the island? Do we know if his grave was consumed when Numenor was consumed by the sea?) Does Elrond spend fixing his gaze once again on the horizon line, one not blue but grey and green, once again looking for the sea and finding it synonymous with family beyond reach and with a home that had been taken away? Does he idly sift his hands through the silt on the banks of the Bruinen and linger over every piece of glass and rubble and will it into being something it isn’t, something meaningful.
And then. And Then and Then and Then and Then. Celebrian sails. And we don’t know (do we?) how long exactly it’s been since Elrond has even seen the ocean when she leaves. Does he travel with her to the Grey Havens? Do they say goodbye in Rivendell or at the harbour, or at some undisclosed mid-way point. Does he find himself watching the shape of her get smaller and smaller until she too, crosses that horizon line? How long does he stand there, all alone on the shore, straining his eyes, trying to make out the shape of his wife, or his brother, or anyone. Does he start to hear other things, children playing, a mother rocking her sons to sleep, in the gentle breaking of the waves? How long before he turns his back and begins the return journey alone.
At what point in this timeline do the feelings start to blend together. There’s the innate, inherent longing for the sea, that comes to them indirectly from their kin, from their father. And then there’s the other longing, the longing that might not even be longing, it’s just There and it’s overwhelming and as deep and restless as the ocean itself. When he finally does sail, does he even know where one feeling begins and the other ends? Does he feel relief? At least some sense of comfort? or fulfilment? is there grief, uncertainty, maybe even fear in there also? Is he thinking of the people on the other side, who have been waiting for him, or does his mind wander back to the children playing by the seaside, the sea spray on their faces, their mother’s chiding voice stolen away by the wind, all those years ago?
A blade of grass
A blooming flower
A sturdy tree
“the unseen death of nature”
captain america: the first avenger (2011) dir. joe johnston | kenobi by john jackson miller (2013) | top gun (1986) dir. tony scott | “straw house, straw dog” by richard siken | supernatural 15.19, “inherit the earth” (2020) | M*A*S*H 4.01 “welcome to korea, pt. 1″ (1975) | star wars: revenge of the sith by matthew stover (2005) | dead poets society (1989) dir. tom schulman | bbc merlin 5.13 “diamond of the day, pt 2″ (2012) | the song of achilles by madeline miller (2011) | brokeback mountain (2005) dir. ang lee
Even collectively, I don't think the human species has the capacity for this much heartbreak. You know how theologians used to ask if God could create a rock so heavy that even He could not lift it? I feel like we're in that kind of territory now, but the question has become: can humankind create more devastation than it's even possible to feel. Can we create a grief so vast that we can't even see its horizon.
My wounds are too deep
I’m bleeding everywhere.
pity my blueness
deepen my perspectives
my idea of you
is not the person who stands in front of me
you’re not trying
i’m done vying for your attention
hi. sorry. drawn to the blood by sufjan stevens. cas song.
grubin grilled cheese posting for some inexplicable reason