I made this perfect image and idea of him in my mind and then I watched the DVD he made for me before he died and I hardly recognized him.
Or maybe more like I forgot he looked like that towards the end. And I forgot that he was so strict. And I forgot that he was matter of fact.
Why do I remember him as a soft and kind and gentle man? He was also rough and hard and blunt.
Why did I forget that part of him?
He wouldn’t like me now. I’m weak. I’m sad. I am not making him proud and that’s eating me up.
I thought, secretly, back in my mind, that he would be proud of me. That he would love me still.
But I really don’t believe that he would now. I’m not who I was when I was sixteen and he wouldn’t like me now.
I’m not strong like he wanted me to be. I’m not smart like he wanted. I’m not helpful or loving or independent.
I am everything he asked me not to be.
I am so hurt by words he said almost six years ago now. Words that didn’t mean to cut me but now I’m pouring out onto cotton sheets.
All these years I told myself that he had no fault, no flaws, but I remember now (don’t make me remember) how he could hurt me with his words. With his voice. I disappoint him now. Even when he’s dead.
“without you here life is more than strange
and somehow before this cold heavy rain
I didn’t think of this planet sized change”
Nothing will ever bring back what I lost, when I lost you.
After the flu and pneumonia, today I’m shattered by the losss of our beautiful & loving, sweet grand-kitty, “Sutton”… she passed to the rainbow bridge today… I can’t stop crying… she is & was loved & she will be greatly missed…💔🌈🐾🥰 #catbff #rainbowbridge #grieving #catsofinstagram #blackcatsofinstagram #loss #love #family #furbaby #deaf #hoh
I know there’s 15 seasons on literally why I shouldn’t wish this or want this…
But if I could, I would absolutely sell my soul to a crossroads demon to bring my mom back healthy. 10 more years and going to hell would be way more better than what I’m going through and what I’m feeling right now.
I just realized it’s nearly 9 months since you died. That’s enough time to make a baby; a whole new life. I’m really going anywhere with this, I just think it’s kind of funny. I don’t know why.
Man, imagine if you got reincarnated? That would be cool. Though judging by the way you left this mortal coil something tells me you wouldn’t want to be back so soon! (I’m sorry, I can’t help but laugh at that!)
Love always, Josh.
I’m beginning to love having time alone again! For so long after my mum died I would struggle with being alone and the thoughts it would leave me with, however, recently I’ve started enjoying having some time alone😍!
what i want:
today i want to feel every inch of this pain
i want to be suffering in agony until i cannot breathe
i want to feel it until i’m crying and screaming and praying to God to make me go numb again
i need to feel it
My book is up on Amazon, called Lost While Dreaming by Mary Rose
I have body aches. A touch of the flu.
Feeling fragmented in this world of stereotypes. I disappear at my job. I want out. I’m so not that person at work.
Timing is everything. I am tired of waiting.
So, long post ahead, sorry. Sad stuff and spirituality that might not be your cup of tea ahead.
Over a year ago, I lost my best friend, my only companion at some times: my lovely black cat. She was honestly the closest thing to a familiar I’ll get. And then, a few months ago, I lost my other cat, who was like a brother to me. The losses really took a massive toll on me.
I’ve been praying, and meditating, and literally begging to be able to see my two sweet babies again, in a dream, in a vision, or even just a small sign from them. I just wanted to know that they were okay, that they were safe and happy..wherever. I wondered if the gods even heard me, at times. No matter how much I prayed, or cried, I couldn’t even get a glimpse during a dream. It was so, so frustrating.
But then three days ago. I’m drawing, and out of the corner of my eye, I see a flash of red. That caught my eye because, for one, I’m blue-yellow colorblind. Pretty much all of nature is the same color to me. Red stands out pretty far against the same stupid shade of green. I stopped for a second to look, and I saw that it was a cardinal. Now, I know I’m a huge dork, but I started talking to it. Ya know, like the baby talk you do to cats?
I love birds, and, again, since bright colors don’t happen often to me, cardinals are one of my favorite birds. They also, from what I’ve been taught and what I’ve always believed, are a sign that someone who you loved is watching over you. But that didn’t even cross my mind. Then the next day (yesterday) I go out to collect some plants to dry. I haven’t really felt up to doing that since before my cats passed. I get inside and start stringing them up, and there the cardinal is again! I stared at him for a while, then kept on working, again, not even thinking about it.
Then, earlier today, my sister and I were in my room looking at my tea, trying to decide which we should have. And I see the cardinal again. I thought that it was a bit strange that he’d shown up for the 3rd time in a row, and watched as he pecked at the ground. But still, it didn’t click, not until now.
I know it’s a sign. I know it’s them. It might seem dumb to someone else, but to me, this is huge. I’m crying, but I’m so happy. My prayers weren’t unheard, the gods have never ignored me. And my babies are watching me, and they’re still here for me, even after they’ve died and moved on. I feel so much better now that I’ve realized what was going on with the bird. And I’m so much more confident that I have chosen the right path for my spirituality.
This year is going to be about growth. I’m going to heal, I’m going to better myself, and I’m not going to do it alone. I was never alone in the first place, but now I know I have my loved ones, still living and those who have passed, with me.
AN: happy very late valentines day also, fun fact! I own the exact same star wars lava lamp, it doesn’t light up anymore sadly.
@beccaliciooouuusss @mylovelycrazyworld @thatweirdwalangpake @kcd15 @princerowanwhitethorngalathynius @acrossyourneck @theoneanna @nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @cherrygeek86 @midnight-queen-1 @devilbat @wild-rose-gurl @janebrownnie @im-here-cuz-i-wanna-read-fanfic @littleredstarfish @littlefrogstuff @wegingerangelica @toozmanykids @dangertoozmanykids101 @lisaspageofstuff @tomshelbystits @lady-loki-ren @terry-perry @hopelessromanticspoonie @mellowgirl01 @nonsensicalobsessions
‘‘If you’d just spend time with him then maybe he wouldn’t be so upset!’‘
Aura folds her arms as she sees Frankie stomping back and forth in their living room, he had come home late again. He had promised to come home on time, for the first time in a month and he didn’t keep his word. Their son had become very upset by this and demanded to be driven to his grandmothers, which Aura did. She didn’t want him to be exposed to the fighting that would ensue the moment Frankie got home. His suit jacket laid in a pile on the sofa and the shoes on the rug. He was a mess.
‘‘If you’d just get it through your head, I’m busy! I have a job to maintain! A house to pay for and mouths to feed! I’ve got cases piling up on me- I simply don’t have the time!’‘
‘‘So your job is more important than your own son?’‘
Frankie’s eyes widen, it was a bold claim to make but sometimes Aura didn’t know what to think of him. He was never home, the last time they were all together and awake at the same time was about two weeks ago. Their son doesn’t get enough time with his father and Aura not enough time with her husband. She’s been trying so hard to be patient, she’s given Frankie so much time but sometimes there has to be a point where she should put her foot down. Frankie turns and points his finger at her, she hit a sore spot.
‘‘I didn’t say that, don’t twist my words Aura-’‘
‘‘I’m not! You literally just said you don’t have the time! You work and work and work! I barely get to see you myself! You spend most of your time at the firm! He’s our son Frankie, can’t you just take a day off? Just the one? You’re exhausted all the time, you’ve not had a decent shave or a slow morning in. Just one day, one day without work and stress.’‘
Frankie sighs, he wrapped his arms around Aura and pressed her into his chest. She was worried about him, his health. Constantly stressing, he never takes a break. Sometimes doesn’t eat properly, he couldn’t keep going down this road.
‘‘The treatment takes a lot out of you Frankie, I just want you to slow down a little bit…’’
Frankie carefully cups Aura’s face, there was a sad smile on his face.
‘‘You’re right, I’m sorry.’‘
he died today 2/14/2020 at 2:45pm
hoping he is in a better place and that he is at rest
The west wind blows.
the sun must set
for the day must end to go to the next.
Release his hand
let him bloom
and place his head into the arms of the Earth.
Return to your chariot
and lay down to sleep.
You will miss the weight of his head on your lap
You will miss the sound of his laugh
and the fleeting beauty of life.
You will question
why the world still turns,
disregards this occasion
like a cow ignores a fly
or a man ignores his mortality.
You will feel so human
for your unheard pleas with time will feel like
nothing for than a tune for your fellow gods to waltz to,
your cry becoming harmonious music,
a lyre string plucking platitudes of your pain
for their amusement.
you will stare at the stars
who stay still in mockery,
unworthy Orion smirking
as you beg them
to tell you where he is now,
for you can claim to know
but your mind will continue to question,
until even faith in your own divinity
You will even become enraged at the sky
for she remains blue.
But for now,
she has donned herself and the trees in black
as they mourn with you.
O dear Apollo,
leave your lover here with the sky
and she will drape his body in a black cotton sheet
and carry him to the doors of Elysium
so that when you return,
all that will be left is a purple flower budding in his memory.
It will never die.
And maybe one day
you will be able to look at it
with the ache of your chest
and your rage at the world faded
to find joy nestled in our arms once again.
I just need to get it out, bc my grieve is so big r/n.
My baby bunny Twiggy passed after 7,5 years. I’m so torn. I feel a lot of guild bc I could have prevented it from happening. If I just spoke up more clearly about it.
And now she’s gone, forever. I miss her so much. I wouldn’t be here anymore without her.
My angel bunny, may you rest in peace, hopefully you did arrive safely on the other side of the rainbow bridge. I’m so sorry, that I didn’t protect you more. I should have told that vet assistant, that you’ve had enough. That you needed a break. I should have told her that more clearly. I should have insisted on my point. But I didn’t. I love you forever.
My baby bunny. Forever. ❤️🌈🐇
Going to eat my feelings today
Dust covers the memories of you, and I try to think- to remember- who you were to me.
It is hidden in abandon boxes, left to make friends with moths and spiders.
Decaying everyday that I no longer count the smiles from distant dreams.
-Where does you memory go?