Mutluluk tıpkı bir kelebek gibidir; ne kadar kovalarsan, o kadar sakınır senden. Fakat dikkatini başka şeylere çevirdiğinde, nazikçe gelip omzuna konacaktır.
Henry D. Thoreau
if you awaken from this illusion, and u understand that black implies white,
self implies other, life implies death
u can feel yourself, not as a stranger in the world, not as something here on probation, not as something that has arrived here by fluke, but u can begin to feel your own existence as absolutely fundamental
I’m still not entirely sure how this started but I know it started as we begun middle school. I remember becoming friends with this one girl you grew up with and then moving to sit close to her, which just so happened to be behind you.
Already from the first year you knew me you had introduced me to your brother as your best friend, and as I started liking you, you asked me to set you up with my childhood best friend. I don’t blame you for that, I dont blame you for not liking me. No! I blame you for using me and taking advantage of the fact that I liked you. I blame you for playing me.
By the second year of middle school me and you were really close. You would hug me, you would have me sit on your lap, you would kiss my neck… We were doing almost everything a couple would. You would make comments about my ass, you would go as far as grabbing my ass and I didnt say anything cause I thought this was going somewhere that I liked.
And that continued, it went on until we started high school. That’s when you found a girl you liked and became really fixated on her that you wouldn’t even say good morning to me in school some times. Suddenly it was as if I barely existed, it was better that it was going to be later. It was bareable then. We would occasionally talk like we used to, we would, decently, often act like we used to in middle school and I was ok with it. I tried to let you know, how I liked you more but you shut off all of my efforts. I didn’t go after you, pressure you but as much as I was trying not to, i couldn’t hide that I liked you. That was the time i really realised I liked you. You had gotten taller, you had gotten more athletic over the summer, and even though that wasn’t what drew me to you I still liked it too.
And then came the second year of high school. You suddenly became a cool kid, the joker jock of the school and the class, pretty much everyone liked you and you were the very “genuinely” nice boy, that was talking about how he is insecure and no one would like you, while you played with my heart like it was nothing. I even remember how on the senior year a teacher commentned how both of us are so insecure and we should join our insecurities. That’s when we drifted even more apart. All that until this birthday party of this girl you seemed to like, when she had just got together with this guy she was talking to. That’s when I realised you were playing with my feelings.
Suddenly, that night you were practically glued to my side. You were getting in front of me wherever I was going, blocking my way, and hugging me before letting me go. And then; then i was talking to my friends outside and you just tagged along and was hugging me from behind for so long. Then the next day it was again as if we didn’t know each other.
Then came the senior year of high school. It was the time i started trying to distance my self from you and it was again the same trope as always. You would ignore and ignore and ignore me and then one day you’d give me the slightest bit of attention and i’d fall back again. You even started the joke what we should have a quicky in the bathroom and was repeating it daily for a few months until you stopped really talking to me and then much later tell me how you missed me as if it was my fault. You would just say good morning occasionally. And wherever i would walk to school determined to not initiate any kind of phisical contact with you, you suddenly would open your arms wide when you saw me, looking like the cuddliest thing in existance and then would hold me tight for a while before letting me go. You played tricks with my head until spring.
It was the last time I walked into art class at all. Before that I had finally talked about my crush on you to a mutual friend, that made it all the worse for me and made me realise what kind of asshole you are by telling me how all the sexual jokes, comments (and touches in the past) were ‘just friendly’. And then she told you. Even though she promised not too, and even though I have no direct proof, I know she told you. Cause for 10 minutes in the art class you seemed sympathetic, like you were trying to comfort me without me having shown any sign that I need that; the moment you haven’t ever done that before in all the six years I knew you. And after that you stopped talking to me completely. First time we saw each other after easter break you didn’t even say hello to me while you went around and hugged and anknowledged all our mutual friends i was already talking to when you walked in the school.
And then, when we saw each other for the last time after summer you acted as if the last four years didn’t exist. Suddenly you missed me, but also suddenly I didn’t miss you.
Send me artists and i’ll say my favourite song by them.
Если женщин жалеют, значит их презирают
You deserve to be taken care of.
— Julia Kristeva, Black Sun: Depression and Melancholia (trans. by Leon S. Roudiez), p. 9
You can change
You can become selfless
You are not set in stone
We came as Romans