i’ve been thinking about the Physical Space i inhabit in the world. i know not having to think about it all the time is a luxury. i’m a very small person, so i usually fit into whatever space i’m trying to squirm my way into. like - i’m not unfamiliar with the feeling of Taking Up Too Much Space, but it’s never been because of my phsyical presence. it’s always been the feeling that i talk too much, i’m not ashamed enough, i’m ‘too good’ at drawing, whatever - i’m not gonna fold myself into tiny halves until i dissappear, and neither should you.
being small doesn’t mean i’m not keenly aware of how i live in spaces built for The Average Cis White Western Ablebodied Thin Man. i think everyone is aware of that, on some level. some more than others. i might fit just fine in any seat on the plane and there’s room for my legs, and that IS a privilege i absolutely need to be aware of - but there’s seatbelts digging into my neck, groceries in the store on a shelf just out of my reach... there’s a LOT of things out of my reach. there’s things i can’t even see. like, yeah, i know i can just step on a stool. but anyone who’s a head taller don’t even gotta consider any of it. it’s fine! i probably don’t consider what it’s like to be a tall person very often. this building wasn’t made for either of us.
i remember when i got my autism spectrum diagnosis. i haven’t done a lot with the diagnosis itself, i haven’t applied for any accomodations with it, but it was still a relief to me. just knowing that... it wasn’t me not trying hard enough, it was genuinely harder for me to do certain things. i will never know what it’s like to be anyone other than myself, so i’ll never get to compare, but something about knowing that no, it’s not that everyone else is better at ignoring all the weird discomforts that seem to be a genuine problem for me and me only. i was trying just as much as anyone else, maybe even harder.
knowing that, knowing i exist in a space Not Made For Me makes it a little easier to find the stools, and the shortcuts, and the places where i feel comfortable. there’s no shame in that.