ight so i hope y'all poc people have every right to be uncomfortable with white people, you have every right to be and i'm not saying what you can and can't be comfortable with. i'm not you. but when you go out yer way to hate on them is really weird, especially on the internet where you can fuckin block people. at the end of the day, harassing and telling people to kts over something they have no control over is stupid. "oh but we just treating them how they treat us," is a shitty connotation because its generalizing. i get it, we're minorities. us and white people got bad history and some white people still be acting up till this very day. but i won't go out of my way to harass a random white person irl or on the internet because its basic fucking decency. i'd just block them and move on with my life. "oh so you're saying you believe in reverse racism?" no dumbass, i never even brung racism into this. just be a decent human with respect for other humans bro.
anyways rant over, i'm tired.
[Image ID: Anon ask screenshot, says “do you realize how fucking annoying you are?”]
I can’t help but giggle, this is so stupid. Like, if you think someone is annoying in your feed, just unfollow or even block them.
The fact that someone just went into a random blog’s asks and just said something so vague, it just, get a fuckin life dude. Stop projecting.
I wanted to wait to publish this until after the court case, like most of my posts regarding this matter. Over the three weeks or so my stalker, “Mandy,” was...stalking me, she was also harassing me. A LOT. I had so many things I wanted to say to her, but didn’t because, as I told her several times, I had no interest in talking to her. That said, a lot of the stuff she wrote really did bother me, as I’m sure she intended it to. So, I wanted to take the opportunity to respond to most of the bullshit she said to and about me. (I won’t be addressing ALL of it. Some of it is personal information Mandy shared about me, and I don’t want to go into details. Some of it has to do with her identity or location, and I’m not the kind of person to share any of that. I’ll be skipping tedious one liners, which may include individual phone numbers or accounts she created to message me from, so there may be skipped numbers. I’m also not including the lies that she attempted to spread about me. But I’ll do my best to keep the chronology from getting too confusing.) I apologize for any repetition, there will be a lot. I may also group several messages together for the sake of conciseness and clarity.
Fair warning, this will be LONG. So feel free to skip around or just pick a random spot. I’m writing this for the sake of catharsis, so I won’t be butthurt if no one reads the whole thing (or any of it, tbh).
Keep in mind as you read, I told her many, many times (42 to be exact) that I no longer wished for her to contact me, that she was harassing me, etc. Any ellipses between her messages are where my responses went. I’m not including my messages here, not because I said anything I’m ashamed of, just because I feel like it’s not necessary (and it would make this post a lot longer). Anyway, at a certain point, I just stopped responding to her altogether.
I will separate these into four categories. Keep in mind, these texts, messages, comments, and posts are all interwoven in terms of the timeline, I’m simply separating them this way to make it easier to organize. (In my own files, they are all dated and time-stamped.) In all four cases, I’m going chronologically, starting from right after I sent her the letter ending our friendship.
Addendum: This post was written throughout the several weeks during which Mandy was stalking me. Once court was finished, I went back and reviewed everything, editing where I needed to. This ordeal took a massive toll on my mental health, and it was even more difficult to deal with because I couldn’t respond in real time to the things Mandy was saying. And I say that not just because of the court case itself, but also because Mandy is a fucking nut-job, and I realized pretty early on that no matter what I say to her, it will never penetrate. She’ll never understand why her behavior is unacceptable, or why she needs to change, and she’ll never actually be able to absorb the things I say as long as they don’t fit in with her agenda. And for the record, I’m not just asserting this to be a dick, or solely based on these events (though I believe this whole bonkers situation is evidence enough in and of itself). I’m asserting this because it’s been the same for literal years. Every time I tried to explain Mandy’s toxic behavior to her, every time I tried to reason with her, or tell her what it was I needed, it didn’t fucking penetrate. In almost every response I ever got from her (and I mean any time we had a conflict over the four years we were friends) she either: simplified what I said to an extreme, twisted my words to make me sound like a worse/unreasonable person, seemed to take it in but then would miraculously forget all about it months (or in some cases, weeks) later, or, my personal favorite, just ignore it altogether, and cherry-pick what she would respond to. All me responding to her in real time ever did was prolong the conversation (as Mandy wanted) and cause me more frustration, distress, anger, and exhaustion. I am choosing to do this in this format so I can get all of these thoughts and feelings out of my system, knowing that she will never see it. And if she does see it, it’s because she sought out my blog, despite the fact that I have her blocked.
1. “How is that fair?”
For lots of reasons. She was a shitty friend. Our friendship was good for MAYBE four months before she became all toxic and weirdly possessive of me. As I said in my letter, too much had happened and I realized I couldn’t move past it. After all the crap she put me through, after all the chances I gave her, I think me walking away was more than fair.
2. “You can forgive ‘Trisha’ (alias). Who threw your grandmother’s death back at you. And kept your goddaughter from you for 6 months.”
Yes. I can. I still haven’t even fully forgiven her, but I want to, and I’m working on it. She didn’t throw my grandmother’s death back at me. She tried to use my grandmother’s death in a crude attempt to manipulate me. (Not like Mandy, who very soon would throw my grandmother’s death back at me.) Yes, Trisha did keep “Lexi” (alias) from me for six months. It was fucked up. But Trisha worked on herself, Trisha proved to me that she is a better person now. Unlike Mandy, who, despite countless chances to do so, failed in that regard. Trisha is also on her second chance. Mandy had three, and wasted them all.
3. “The bare minimum you can do is have a conversation with me.”
No, the bare minimum I could have done was ghost her. The fact that I took the time out of my day to write her a long ass letter was a courtesy. One that it turns out she didn’t even deserve. I had been through this so many times. I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. I set boundaries, and tried to explain what I needed from her and what behaviors concerned me...She never changed enough. (At all, as she proved later.) The time for conversation had passed.
4. “It’s wrong of you to cut me out. Dead wrong.”
Disturbing language aside, no, it wasn’t wrong of me. After everything she had put me through, all the chances she got, I felt secure in my decision.
5. “You can’t wait a month and do that. If you love me you wouldn’t.”
A two parter, but I didn’t want to separate them, since they went together. Obviously, it wasn’t my intention to keep Mandy on the hook for a month. (I was extremely angry with her and told her I needed space, which is where that month came in.) It took me about three weeks to realize how I felt, and one week to write the letter. I would never intentionally lead someone on like that. Sometimes it takes people time to collect their feelings, especially someone like me, who always wants to be super specific and articulate in everything I communicate. As for the second part, we’re diving right into manipulative language, huh? As I said in the letter, and would repeat later on, I have cut out people I loved. And it wasn’t always an easy choice to make either. But loving someone isn’t a basis for staying in an unhealthy or abusive relationship.
6. “I’m not going to respect your social media boundary I have you on every platform.”
Okay, so here we have literal evidence that Mandy wasn’t capable of respecting my boundaries. I took this to be the first “threat” of stalking/harassment. And honestly, just a really creepy sentiment.
7. "Of course I have (changed) you just don’t care.”
I did care that she had changed. I literally wrote that in the letter I sent her. As I said, she just didn’t change enough for me. That being said, she clearly hadn’t actually changed, as the following events would make very apparent. It had all been an act.
8. “You don’t drop people you love, Sophie.”
Yes, you do, if they are manipulative, abusive, controlling, toxic people. I’ve dropped people I loved before, and I’d do it again. No matter how much you love someone, you have to take care of yourself first. If they’re causing you pain, time to let go.
9. “You love ‘Claire’ (alias), you love Trisha, but not me. All your other ex friends.”
Yes. I do love those people. Claire was in my life for a VERY long time. She was also a very big part of my life. Trisha was also in my life for a long time. Seven years now, four years longer than Mandy. It’s strange to me that Mandy would constantly speak as if she had the same place in my heart as these two people, one of whom was my best friend for literal decades. (At the very least it’s incredibly self-centered and arrogant, and at worst it’s a red flag that I will expound upon later.) I’m genuinely not saying that to be shitty. You just can’t compare a friendship of six months (which is when she started making the comparisons) to a friendship lasting a few years longer, or your best friend of twenty years, for that matter. And to be clear, I did love Mandy once. But I fell out of love with her after everything that happened. You can fall out of love platonically, too.
10. “The bare minimum you can do is keep me on tumblr.”
Yeah, that would be the bare minimum. But it’s not what I wanted. It’s genuinely disturbing to me that this person thought they were entitled to some sort of access to my life.
11. “Why respect the boundary if you’re not gonna give me a chance for the future?”
The only way to interpret this is “why respect your boundaries if I don’t get what I want?” You don’t respect someone’s boundaries because you get something out of it or because they do what you want. You respect someone’s boundaries because they’re an autonomous human being who deserves respect, regardless of whether you agree with their choices or not.
12. “Seriously I have been working hard to have you in my life. Sophie, you yourself have seen the growth. You’ve said it.”
We don’t always get what we want. I did say that I saw her growth, I remarked on it in the letter as well. I said I was proud of her, which WAS true. But, again, it wasn’t enough for me personally. I still saw too many old patterns, (ESPECIALLY the boundary breaking one). Additionally, as I kept saying, I realized too many things had happened for me to ever fully move on. There were a lot of reasons I ended the friendship, that wasn’t the only one. This message also creeped me out a bit because it made it seem like I was the reason she was trying to grow, like it was all just to keep me in her life. And the fact that the mask slipped off so easily and so suddenly only further suggested that.
13. “THREE. And you said you wanted it to work the last time.”
She was responding to me saying I gave her “SO many chances.” Three is a lot, especially from me, especially considering my history with abusers, especially considering that our friendship only lasted four years. Three is more chances than I’ve ever given anyone, Sean aside. I would make the argument that three is a lot, period, when it comes to trying to make things work with someone who doesn’t seem to be able to stop being toxic. And yes, I did want it to work. I genuinely did. I realized, for various reasons, that it couldn’t.
14. “You can’t just wait a month and cut me out that’s wrong. That’s disgusting. I thought you were a good person. I really did.”
It wasn’t my intention. I asked for space. I barely got it (she continuously posted about how soooo much time had gone by that she was considering breaking the BOUNDARY and reaching out to me anyway, which of course did not help her case), and when I had time to think, I realized how I felt. Disgusting is a strong word, especially considering it wasn’t malicious or intentional, but Mandy is entitled to feel however she wants about me. I may have made mistakes, but I know I’m a good person, and the majority of my actions back that up.
15. “This conversation isn’t over until I say it’s over Sophie. I will text you from 100 numbers if I have to. You’re gonna listen to me. I have plenty of numbers keep it up. You can’t just block mid conversation Sophie.” (1st phone number)
First official stalking. I had blocked her, and I had told her I was done. This was the first fake phone number she created to text me from. Very disturbing and controlling language. Not much else to say than those two words. Disturbing and controlling. And yes, I can block mid-conversation. Except that it wasn’t actually a conversation. It was me trying to end the friendship and her clawing at my ankles while I tried to walk away.
16. “Like I said if you’re open to giving others a chance I deserve one too.”
Controlling AND narcissistic. She does not get to decide who I feel deserves a chance and who does not. Me choosing to give someone another chance doesn’t entitle her to another chance too. That’s just not how the world works.
17. “Yeah and you still don’t love me that sucks.”
Manipulative. I did love her. I stopped. Because of shit like this.
18. “I hope you lose your mom to pancreatic just like your grandmother. Fuck you.”
I straight up laughed at this. The fact that she jumped to something so hateful and personal so quickly only confirmed for me exactly what kind of person she is, and that I was making the right decision. (I will also add that I responded saying “At least my mom loves me,” but in my defense I had been trying to walk away and she threw a punch, so I threw on back. I shouldn’t have said that, but it’s difficult to feel guilty for saying something hateful when someone is attempting to manipulate and control you, and when that same someone continues on to harass you for weeks.)
19. “You never loved me.”
Manipulative and untrue. It’s just easier for her to believe someone never loved her than to believe that someone did love her but she fucked it up.
20. “How could you do this to me?”
How could I walk away from someone after years of them being a toxic friend? The answer is, easily. How could SHE do all of the shit she did to ME and then be indignant when I leave?
21. “Yeah okay sure whatever you say. I love you you don’t love me easy.”
It should be easy, shouldn’t it? I was trying to walk away. Why would you keep pursuing someone you think doesn’t love you? Also, more manipulative language. Also, again, I did love her once, she blew it.
22. “You can unblock me instead of making me use my girl’s phone.”
I didn’t make her do anything. She chose to go into her “girl’s” phone and use it to text me. (That girl later texted me apologizing, telling me that she did not know Mandy had used her phone in this way, and that she ended things with Mandy over it. It genuinely amazes me that Mandy doesn’t see how unacceptable her behavior is.)
23. “Look I’m sorry but what you’re doing is unforgivable.”
Okay, don’t forgive me then. As I said, she is entitled to feel however she feels. I wasn’t looking for forgiveness. I just wanted out of the friendship.
24. “Nice facebook post sweetie.” (2nd phone number)
She was somehow able to see my private facebook posts, though I don’t know how. She claimed someone was sending her screenshots, but I have no idea who. I also think that was bullshit, since she would usually text me IMMEDIATELY after any facebook post she felt the need to respond to. Super creepy and invasive.
25. “Hope that little N**let gets hit by a truck.”
Yeah. She said that. She later tried to go back on it and say it wasn’t about my goddaughter, but it so obviously was. Trisha is the same height as me, not little. N**let is a slur used against black CHILDREN. And to wish violence on a small child, despicable.
26. “Once again this conversation is over when I say it’s over Sophie Rose.” (3rd phone number)
EW. So fucking gross. Weirdly parental with the middle name? Controlling. Possessive. Just BLECH.
27. “I’m sorry you miss your ‘real friends.’” (4th phone number)
In response to a facebook post that literally had nothing to do with her. On one hand, I can understand why she might have thought it was about her. On the other hand, my whole life doesn’t revolve around her. But neither of those hands matter because I had already made it clear at that point that I didn’t want contact from her and that she was harassing me.
28. “I’m down to have a civil conversation whenever you are.”
The fact that she thought a civil conversation was possible at this point would have been laughable if it wasn’t so disturbing just how unbalanced she is.
29. “What are you gonna do, kill me?”/“What are you gonna do, hurt me? (5th phone number)
I’m guessing she was trying to get me to make a threat against her. Probably so she would have some kind of leverage against me. (I responded with “obviously not.” Because wtf.)
30. “I want a conversation.”
And we’re back to what she wants. Everything is always about what Mandy wants. She was always incapable of understanding that other people’s wants and needs are valid and important, too. Not only that, but she definitely wasn’t deserving of a conversation at this point. Not necessarily that she was before, but at least a little more so.
31. “I love you. Always will.”
These are not things you do or say to someone you love.
32. “I will always check on your stuff because I care. <3″
EW. Psychopathic speech. Creepy. Possessive. Controlling. Invasive. Just plain weird. If she cared, she would have respected my boundaries. She would have accepted I didn’t want her in my life anymore. A person can be hurt, can disagree, can even be angry, and still respect another person’s boundaries.
33. “What do I need to do to make this right?”
There was literally nothing she could do at that point, and I’m sure on some level she knew that. Not that there was anything she could have done before. At the very least, maybe if I passed her in the street one day I would have been able to wave and make small talk with her (something she expressed later via tumblr message that she hoped for). But after all this crap? No way. The ONLY thing she could have done to make it right would be to leave me alone. But she’s not capable of that.
34. “Sorry, just wanted to clarify, no what I said wasn’t a threat, I meant that if I wanted to message someone I would. Just clarifying love.” (6th phone number)
At some point in a tumblr message she had sent me, Mandy had said that if she wanted to message someone, she would. At this point, she had already started harassing two of my friends, and I had expressed concern on my PRIVATE facebook that she would start to message more, and asked my friends to let me know if she did. And while her statement may not have been a direct threat, it was certainly threatening language. She also called me love, which I found particularly repulsive as she had already been obsessively messaging me, harassing my friends, and saying vile things to me. When I told her not to call me that, she just sent “Lmao have a good one.” More disrespecting my boundaries.
35. “This is an important message about your health. Please do not reply to this text. Through an anonymous notification service, one of your sexual partners wants to make sure you know that you may have been exposed to gonorrhea. Since you may not have any symptoms, we recommend getting tested. For more information, including how to find a free clinic, please visit (redacted).”
This was a text Mandy (or a friend of hers, I can think of one person who would) sent to me via a prank service. I don’t know if the website included in the text is legitimate, or perhaps it might’ve infected my phone with a virus, should I have clicked on it (hence why I didn’t type it here). It’s possible the website is legitimate and Mandy (or her friend) just claimed she had exposed me to gonorrhea. Either way, I am certain this is fake and I will tell you why. First of all, a friend of mine had this happen to her years ago, right after she ended things with a boyfriend of hers. He had been the only person she was sleeping with. She also got a phone call claiming she had been exposed. Also, around the time I got this text, Trisha happened to receive a very similar text. Coincidence? I know other people this has happened to as well. There are plenty of weird prank services that do shit like this. On a more compelling note, anything concerning a person’s medical history or status isn’t sent via text. It’s just not. That’s a violation of HIPPA. You can’t send someone medical information without explicit permission and confirmation first. Period. But there are two more personal reasons why I know this was bullshit, and why, when I saw this, I rolled my eyes so hard I thought they would get stuck back there. One, when I received this text, I had only been sleeping with one person: Zach. And Zach was only sleeping with me. The last person I had slept with that wasn’t Zach was over six months previously, and we always use protection. So, there’s that. And two, the funniest part, I had JUST gotten an STD screening, literally a week before this. And guess what? Clean bill of health, baby! In my opinion, this type of “prank” is just really fucking stupid. Does anyone honestly think someone would fall for this? Was the expectation that I would panic and run to the clinic? Or call everyone I’d slept with and embarrass myself? You’d have to be a fucking moron to fall for this.
36. “You can stop posting about me or this anytime now. 😂...I just saw your status from he other day. About not being able to stop shaking etc. Bro I just saw this can you blame me for texting you.” (8th phone number)
I posted on MY facebook about how upset and anxious Mandy stalking me was making me feel. It’s my PRIVATE facebook, and as long as I’m not publishing anyone’s name or personal information, I’m entitled to post whatever I like. And yes, I could blame her for texting me, as I expressed to her. She got upset over a status she shouldn’t have been able to see, and while she’s entitled to feel however she wants, I had made it clear at that point that I didn’t want contact from her. So regardless of how she felt, she shouldn’t have been texting me.
37. “I don’t check your stuff all of the time bro as I said I just saw it. You act like I’m ruining your life dude.”
I didn’t want her checking my stuff AT ALL. Especially my facebook, which is PRIVATE. Her obsessive need to know what I’m posting about isn’t my problem, and doesn’t excuse her blatant disregard for my wish to not have contact with her. And the fact is, if she was really intent on knowing what was going on in my life and being a creeper, she could have done so without the harassing part, and I would have never even known. Also, she was ruining my life. I missed an assignment that week. I was distracted in class. I was literally jumping every time my phone vibrated. I was constantly running on adrenaline. At the very least, she was causing me distress and disrupting my life in a major way.
38. “Well Sophie I’m sorry. That’s not my intent.”
This was in response to me telling her what I wrote above. And I’m sure it was crap. It absolutely was her intention, and I know that because even after I told her how she was making me feel and how she was affecting my life, she didn’t stop. In fact, she doubled down.
39. “If it makes you feel any better I plan to tell my counselor everything. Which, honesty is the best policy so I should.”
No, it didn’t make me feel better. If she had left me alone I would have felt better. I should hope she would tell her counselor. Therapy doesn’t work if you’re not honest with your therapist. And while I’m not sure she actually did tell her therapist or not, it clearly had no impact, as she continued to harass me.
40. “I just texted you about the status and feelings on it that’s all.”
No, that’s not all. She had been harassing me and stalking me for three days at this point. And it doesn’t matter if that’s “all” she was texting me about. I told her numerous times not to fucking text me, and she was still texting me.
41. “I’m hurting you know.”
Honestly, at that point, all I was thinking was “fuck you.” I HAD cared that she was hurting, I said so in the letter. But after everything she was doing, that went out the window. You don’t get to stalk and harass someone and then whine that they should feel bad for your pain.
42. “Enjoy the city boo.” (10th phone number)
In response to an instagram post. Creepy. There were many more of these kinds of texts that I won’t include in this entry, usually very quickly after the instagram posts themselves. So gross how she needed me to know she always knew my whereabouts.
43. “Even my therapist said I care about you soooooo.”
And? Just because her therapist says she cares about me doesn’t make it true. Therapists are people too, their opinions aren’t the be all end all of truth. I don’t care if Mandy’s therapist said she cares about me. Her actions did not back that up.
44. “Think about it. If I didn’t give a fuck wouldn’t I have just been like ok bye and not cared?”
Yes? If she had really cared she wouldn’t have resorted to fucking harassing me. I’m not saying she wouldn’t have cared that our friendship ended, but she definitely would have been like “ok bye.” She would have respected my boundaries and desire to end the friendship, despite being hurt and angry. I’ve had people end friendships with me, and I’ve walked away sad, hurt, and sometimes angry, but I WALKED AWAY because I’m a normal person, at least in this regard.
(Sorry for all the “fuck”s and “fucking”s. I’m getting more pissed off as I write this.)
45. “You do realize I don’t know who half of those people are right? What does this have to do with Trisha? Not anonymous harassment if you’re blocked. How were you hurting me? I’m a narcissist 😂 that’s a good one. You’re fucking funny. I have a bigger heart than you ever could. She’s not your goddaughter but okay.”
This was in response to a long ass message that I sent Mandy, at the end of which I specifically stated that I fully intended for it to be my last communication with her. She responded to a handful of things I wrote in said message (note: not all of them), so I’ll address one at a time.
You do realize I don’t know who half of those people are right?
The people she was referring to was a list of abusers I’ve had. I wrote it out because she had previously accused me of never being abused on her blog. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.) Just because she didn’t know who those people were doesn’t mean they didn’t exist or abuse me. And we’re back to self-centered language. SHE didn’t know who they were so...what? They couldn’t be real? They weren’t relevant? Hm. I also ended that list calling her out saying that what she was currently doing was textbook abuse, but she chose to ignore that for some reason...
What does this have to do with Trisha?
A lot, apparently, since Mandy couldn’t stop bringing her up and comparing our friendship to mine with Trisha.
Not anonymous harassment if you’re blocked.
I’m not totally sure what she meant by this. I had put anonymous in quotes, because I knew it was her and that she was using dummy accounts. So, no, it technically wasn’t anonymous, but it was harassment. I already knew at this point that Mandy does not have the best reading comprehension.
How were you hurting me?
I specified in the letter how I felt I was hurting Mandy. At that point, I was only staying in the friendship to dump on her because of everything she put me through. And, as I said in the letter, that is disgusting behavior and not the kind of person I want to be. I apologized profusely. I said earlier in this post that this gets pretty repetitive, and the simple explanation for that is that Mandy either is unable to absorb the things I say/write to her, or she is unwilling. Most of the questions she asked (or demanded) were things I had already answered, usually numerous times, including this question.
I’m a narcissist 😂 that’s a good one. You’re fucking funny. I have a bigger heart than you ever could.
This is where I came to the conclusion that Mandy is a narcissist. She matches literally every symptom, which I’ll list in brief below. Everything revolves around her. Her feelings. Her needs. Her wants. What she feels she’s entitled to. Every status I post must be about her right? The language she uses is incredibly self-focused (and there are plenty more examples later, which I will point out). Also, the things she was saying and doing are not the kinds of things someone with a big heart does. But, ya know, Mandy can think whatever she wants. I don’t care.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms:
- grandiose sense of self-importance
- lives in a fantasy world that supports their delusions of grandeur
- needs constant praise and admiration
- sense of entitlement
- exploits others without guilt or shame/sees the people in their life as objects who serve them
- frequently demeans, intimidates, bullies, or belittles others when they don’t get their way
These are just some of them but I think I rest my case.
She’s not your goddaughter but okay.
Lexi is my goddaughter. I don’t care that there is no official paper yet. (YET.) If anything happened to Trisha and the official paperwork wasn’t filed, I would FIGHT TOOTH AND NAIL for custody of Lexi. I don’t know why, but Mandy has always been obsessed with who I refer to as my family. Mandy has this weird idea that family can only be legal/biological. A strange concept of family indeed. Personally, I think it’s just because Mandy hates her own family but doesn’t have a different one she can choose. Sad. I helped raise Lexi. I’ve taken her in emergencies. I’m prepared to take custody of her should it, God forbid, ever come to that. And nothing Mandy says will change that.
46. “I do love you. I always will. You can believe that or not. Even my therapist has said she knows this to be true.”
Again, I don’t give a shit what her therapist says is true or not. Mandy’s actions didn’t back up her words. And for the record, I don’t think she really loved me. This isn’t what love is. If she really loved me, she would have let me go. There’s LITERALLY a saying about it. She just wanted to control me, which I think is what love is to her. And while that’s sad, I certainly want no part of it.
47. “I have never used my suicidal ideations to manipulate you.” (11th phone number)
Just plain untrue. Not only had she used suicide to manipulate me NUMEROUS times, she did it again LITERALLY that night. (Which I will address in the “Tumblr Messages” and “Tumblr Posts” categories.)
48. “I don’t think you’re capable of love period.”
Okay. She can think whatever she wants. I know what’s true and what isn’t. I just wanted her to leave me alone.
49. “You’re dumb if you think no one else’s involved in this at all 😂.”
Guess I’m dumb then lol. Either no one else was involved in this, or there are more fucked up people in this world than I would like. Not super far fetched though, misery loves company. I assume the same goes for crazy.
50. “Also I’M a joke? Says the one who’s attempted suicide four times.”
So first of all, someone who is suicidal themselves joking about suicide? Not a good look. Also, it’s true I’ve attempted four times, but I know for a fact Mandy has attempted more than that. Glass house, much? Not that attempting suicide is something to make fun of, or something that makes someone “a joke.” Just pointing out the hypocrisy (a famous pastime of Mandy’s). Additionally, this had nothing to do with the reason I called her a joke. I said she was a joke because she referred to me in a blog post as a “fragile drama queen.” I pointed out this hYpOcRiSy (take a shot lol) and said she was a joke. So I can only assume this was a crude attempt to hurt me. Or that she somehow misunderstood why I was calling her a joke. Like I said, her reading comprehension is just...not there.
51. “There is NOTHING you can do to make me believe that you cared or loved me ever, period.”
Like I said, I just think it’s easier for Mandy to believe someone never loved her or isn’t capable of love at all than for her to accept that someone loved her and then they stopped because of her own behavior. I did love her. I did care about her. MY past behavior supports that. But again, she can feel however she likes. I just wanted her to feel it far away from me.
52. “Also I read your blog. You are 100% safe Sophie. I promise you that.”
I’m sure she mean physically safe, but I was certainly not emotionally or mentally safe. Also, she kept pointing out that I was reading her blog (for evidence). But here she is reading my blog as well as obsessively stalking all my social media? Hypocritical to say the least.
53. “I love you Sophie. So much. I wish you believed that but I can’t force you to.” (12th phone number)
And yet, she continued to try and force me to. Again, not things you do or say to someone you love. You can’t do things like this and then be shocked when someone doesn’t believe you love them. I’m realizing as I’m writing this that these interactions become increasingly those of a textbook abuser who hits (or emotionally “hits”) their victim and then flip flops between boohoo I’m sorry and more abuse. I wish I could say I was surprised.
54. Phone numbers 13 and 14 (as well as tumblr accounts 19, 20, and 21) were created to incessantly ask me how one of my friends got her blog. I don’t know, but the fact is that Mandy’s blog, like mine, was public. Anyone could have read it. And I find it irritating and offensive that she didn’t have a problem going through my PRIVATE social media, but then got upset that one of my friends was reading her PUBLIC blog.
55. “Maybe I took this a little too far.” (15th phone number) Gee, ya think? But she clearly didn’t mean it anyway, as her harassment continued. (She also sent this message to me via tumblr, just to make sure I saw it.) Probably just another tactic to try to get me to forgive and/or talk to her. There were a lot of those.
56. “Your boyfriend responds why don’t you?” (16th phone number)
She’s referring to my ex, who had started answering the phone whenever she called. The short answer is that, at that point, I had completely ceased communication with her altogether. The “communication” between us was entirely one sided. I would say at this point it was pretty fucking obvious I didn’t want to talk to her. But apparently “I don’t want to talk to you” isn’t a valid reason why I wouldn’t answer the phone when Mandy called.
57. “It’s time you came to terms with me.” (17th phone number)
Not sure what this means, but it’s creepy as hell. Came to terms with her, how? Like she’s gonna be in my life no matter what? Possessive, controlling, and like I said, fucking creepy.
58. “Ignoring me doesn’t heeeeelp.” (18th phone number)
Maybe it didn’t help with the stalking and harassing part, but it at least saved me the unbearable idea of interacting with her. Also, still super creepy language. The way she texted “help” made me think of Jack Nicholson in The Shining. 😂
59. “And I want to know how you’re ‘hurt’ according to your blog. (19th phone number)
Something I had already explained to her. Again proving she lacks reading comprehension, or she just didn’t care to absorb anything I said. Probably both. Not to mention, like, she’s harassing me. The fact that I’m hurt should be a no brainer, other reasons aside.
60. “And I just want it out there that I don’t actually wish ill on you. I want you to be happy.” (24th phone number)
Could have fooled me. She had posted so much crap wishing ill on me already, and continued to do so long after this. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.)
61. “You’ll write and read my stuff but you won’t talk to me about it? Makes no sense.” (25th phone number)
It makes perfect sense. I wrote about it because I wanted to express what I was going through. (As I am here!) I was reading her stuff for evidence, though she didn’t know that at the time. And I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO HER, which I made clear numerous times.
62. “How dare you delete me on Pokémon Go 😞 we could’ve battled 4ever.” (26th phone number)
EW. I “dare” I? Creepy, possessive, controlling language. I deleted her on Pokémon Go because, again, I wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with her.
63. “What’s the llama deposit.” (27th phone number) “Sorry, it’s the llama deposit. Had to make a new venmo to check.” (28th phone number)
Yeah, she went on my venmo to comb through my history. Why? No idea. To find something she could use against me? More personal information to post about? (See “Tumblr Posts” section.) Just to have any kind of knowledge about me that she could get her hands on? No idea. Either way, super weird, super gross. No denying that she was obsessed with me at this point. Also, apparently later on a phone call with Zach, she told him that she looked up our criminal records too. (Spoiler alert, we don’t have any.)
64. “I care about you.” (29th phone number)
Does she though? The evidence doesn’t look good.
65. “I bet maniac makes you think of me huh.” (31st phone number)
Yeah, it does. I mean, it is a great song. Honestly, it used to make me think of myself before treatment. But yeah wow no I will always think about her from now on when I listen to that song. Which I’m sure would make her very happy, since she clearly wants me to think about her so badly. But I’ll tell you now, I’m always gonna be laughing through the whole damn song.
66. “I looked up the symptoms of sociopathy and thought of you.” (32nd phone number)
She sent me this text because she had posted the symptoms of sociopathy with the caption “Holy Addison” on her blog and she wanted to make sure I knew that. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.) It didn’t bother me, because I know I’m not a sociopath, for an abundance of reasons, and it honestly made me chuckle, because she clearly needs me to know what she’s thinking about me all the time.
67. “I don’t care about your ‘clarification’ that is a threat. That is illegal.” (33rd phone number)
I had posted (again, on my PRIVATE facebook) that the stalker would be dealt with. I did my due diligence to make sure it was clear I wasn’t intending violence. Mandy still decided to interpret it as a threat, despite me making it clear that it wasn’t. I mean, I guess it technically was a threat of legal action, which is not illegal, but even then, it wasn’t even really a threat, as I was already in the process of said legal action. To “deal” with something has many possible meanings and connotations. I’m sure she was just trying to psych me out so that I would reach out to her to be like “no no it’s not a threat.” Which, again, it wasn’t, so I didn’t feel the need to do that. And my mother (who used to be a lawyer) said I was in the clear.
68. “Is your facebook post about me?” (36th phone number)
Yes. It was. I had posted that a person shouldn’t complain if they are the source of their own misery. Instead, they should reflect on their own mistakes, and try to grow as a person. (I’ll elaborate more on this in the “Tumblr Posts” section.)
69. “How come you took down the status about me?” (37th phone number)
Because I realized that’s not the kind of person I want to be. I don’t want to be like Mandy. I don’t want to post inane, passive aggressive statuses, and I don’t want her to be in my head all the time. I don’t want to be bitter or obsessive, I just want to live my life.
70. “Cute insta photos. Minus you know who. (39th phone number) How come you didn’t invite me to breakfast 😞 I’m personally offended.” (40th phone number)
The final examples of her texting me immediately after an instagram post. (Like I said, there were others, I just chose to skip them.) My mother and I had gone away for the weekend, and I had friends visiting in the area, so the two of them, as well as three others who lived nearby, including Zach, stopped by that Sunday to have breakfast with us. It was really, really nice. I’m assuming the “you know who” she’s referring to is Zach. I can’t imagine who else she would have been referring to. After all, she’s said some pretty fucked up things about him, both recently and a few years ago. As for the second part, the language is creepy and possessive, probably another attempt to unnerve me. But we been knew.
71. An image of me and my abuser from 2012. (41st phone number)
There was no accompanying message. I’m certain she was simply trying to trigger me. Well, nothing like opening your phone to a picture of you and your abuser to get the job done. Strange how she knew this would trigger the fuck out me, considering that she didn’t actually believe he abused me or that I have PTSD. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.) This might have been the single most triggering thing Mandy said or did during this whole ordeal. Saving the best for last, I guess. As my best friend would later say, anyone who could think up something so evil, so calculated, is a dark, twisted person beyond help.
72. “You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are gray. I love you Sophie.” (42nd phone number)
I don’t have a whole lot to say about this one. I just wanted to include it as it was the final text I received from her. It’s the perfect button. Gross, creepy, possessive, perturbing, truly the words of a lunatic.
I know I just said that was the last time Mandy texted me. And it was, until 10 days later. I had a pretty bad mental breakdown one night (which I elaborate on in my post, “The Sting,”), and Mandy took it upon herself to “check in on me,” because she was “concerned.” I’m going to include that text conversation here as well, because she said some fucked up things during that too. (Big surprise.) I say text conversation, because unfortunately, I did respond to her, for the first time in about three weeks. I blame the alcohol, of which I had consumed much, as well as the hopeless depressive state I was in. My best friend later pointed out to me that Mandy texting me that night was truly a selfish act, not only because I clearly wanted no contact with her, but because I was in such a fragile emotional state, that Mandy contacting me could have done some real damage. In any case, upon rereading my messages (since I didn’t remember most of the exchange), I’m actually impressed with how much I held my own, despite being brown-out drunk.
73. “I don’t expect you to talk to me, but if you genuinely believe I’m happy or getting sexual gratification from you being upset you never knew me. Quite the contrary, I’m actually concerned. It gets better Sophie, like you always used to tell me. Take care.” (43rd phone number)
Let’s unpack this. I absolutely believe(d) she would be happy about me being distraught, and I think that’s reasonable, if you look at all the terrible things Mandy said she hoped would happen to me. The sexual gratification part is in reference to the morbid facebook status I made that night (that she spied on). I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I think it was something along the lines of “the worst part is there’s a little ogre somewhere getting off to me being so miserable.” Which like, is obviously a euphemism. I did’t actually think Mandy was off somewhere like, jerking off to me being depressed. That’s just something people say.
In her text, she said she was concerned, but she didn’t act like it, did she? Sure, she texted me, but as I’ve covered, given the fact that I’d told her 42 times that I wanted no contact with her, and had been ignoring her since the last time I said it, I don’t think that messaging was the action of a selfless, caring individual. Furthermore, Mandy didn’t actually check in on me. She didn’t ask what was wrong, or if there was anything she could do, or apologize for the part she played, or really anything else. She basically just texted me to tell me I was wrong about her, say something condescending, and then peace out. If you look at the subtext, it’s clear that she wasn’t actually concerned about my mental health, she was upset at what I had said about her.
(I said a lot in response to this, but feel no need to publish it. Again, I didn’t say anything I’m ashamed of. [Though, regrettably, I did drunkenly reveal some personal information, but it is what it is.] Truth be told, I’m actually quite pleased with a lot of the things I said during this exchange. But as I wrote all the way up top, including all of my messages would just make this longer. Although, if anyone is interested in seeing some of my responses, feel free to let me know.)
74. “I do care what happens to you. Take that or leave it. You can think what you want about me, I understand that I haven’t been kind to you...Sophie, I do care. You can think what you want. And you have every right to be upset with me.”
Awww seems nice right? Ppbbbbtttthhh. She hadn’t been kind to me? What a fucking understatement. Besides, everything she just said became moot like a minute later, when she tried to put me down again. Abusers, amirite?
75. “Sophie what do you want me to say. I’ve left you alone, recently. But you’re posting about me and I’m concerned about you.”
Aha! So she admits it. She messaged me because I mentioned her in a post (for the first time in several weeks, I might add). As I said, I don’t believe she was actually concerned about me. In addition to the reasons I listed above, look at the sentence structure. “you’re posting about me” comes before “I’m concerned about you.” Seems like a small, nit-picky thing, but I assure you, I’ve studied this, and am well-versed in the psychology behind writing. She also only left me alone after she found out about the PI my parents hired. I have evidence that supports that. But fine, even if I were to pretend she actually left me alone out of concern, that doesn’t mean she cared about me. If she did, she wouldn’t have stalked and harassed me in the first place, and it wouldn’t have taken three weeks for it to occur to her to stop.
76. “My blog is private there’s a difference.”
This was in response to me saying “You’ve posted over 150 times on your blog about me.” At the time, I just laugh reacted the text, but I had a lot to say (I was just too drunk to articulate it). First of all, her blog was not private at the time that she wrote the things she did about me. Anyone could have seen it. The fact that she could be butthurt that I drunkenly wrote about her once, calling her an ogre or whatever, is insane considering everything she wrote about me. Not only that, but her assertion that her blog is private and therefore is a different situation only highlights the double standard. The only reason she saw the status at all is because she was somehow spying on my PRIVATE facebook. Probably still is. But she wants to whine about privacy? Okay.
77. “At least I didn’t use my parent’s money to hire a PI.”
Woomp, there it is. Remember three bullet points ago? When she was so remorseful? How quickly the pendulum swung in the other direction. I didn’t even say anything to prompt it. She just grabbed at something to try and put me down because the conversation wasn’t going the way she wanted it to. And I didn’t “use my parent’s money to hire a PI.” My parents made the choice to hire a PI of their own volition, because they knew I was pressing charges and was having difficulty serving her.
78. “I’ve left you alone recently correct?
Technically yes, but only because she found out about the PI. But more importantly, her leaving me alone recently didn’t erase everything that happened beforehand.
79. “No, I have posted about others too.”
In response to, “You admit then that your blog posts were for me then specifically?” Her answer would have been strategic if I wasn’t smarter than her. In saying “no, I have posted about others too,” Mandy admits that at least some of her posts were about me. Not only that, I know who the other posts were about. Some of them were about her ex, “Leigh,” some were about “Trisha,” and some were about Zach. Her posts were so obviously about me and my circle (excluding the ones about her ex), given the context and the content. But she says more about this in a few texts, so I’ll continue addressing it when we get there.
80. “Then don’t speak to me, that’s your choice.”
This followed me reminding her, once again, that I desired to never speak to her again. Remember, I had already told her to leave me alone 42 times. But NOW she’s telling me it’s cool and if I don’t want to talk to her I shouldn’t talk to her? Wow.
81. “I have plenty of ex friends darling you’re not the first.”
As I said to her then, gee I wonder why. And God I hate when she called me pet names.
82. “And I’m fine with that. I miss no one.”
If that’s even true, that says a lot about her character. I miss “Claire” dearly, even though she really fucked me up. I missed “Rachel” and “Trisha” when they weren’t in my life, when I thought I would never speak to them again. Mandy lost her best friend of eleven years last year, and if it’s true that she doesn’t miss her at all, well I think that says something. It also suggests Mandy’s not capable of reflection or taking responsibility for her part in those losses, though I don’t know much about those situations, so perhaps she wasn’t at fault in any of them. But I doubt she carries zero blame in all of them.
83. “I left you alone because I care.”
Lies. She left me alone because she got spooked by the PI, and I know that for a fact.
84. “You think you’re all high and mighty because your dad is a tax lawyer and knows people.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Okay. What?! What does that even mean? I think I’m all high and mighty because of my dad’s profession? I have never in all my life said anything or behaved in a manner that would suggest that. In fact, I am extremely proud of the fact that I pursued this legal action on my OWN. Yes, my parents hired the PI, but I was the one he corresponded with because it was my court case. I was the one who filed a police report. I was the one who petitioned for the TPO. Me. I have never met any of my father’s colleagues. That’s for a lot of reasons I can’t get into. Also, Mandy hit the nail on the head. My father is a TAX lawyer. A corporate tax lawyer at that. Who would he know who could help me? Seriously. At best, he might know OF someone who works at his law firm that might be able to help me in a legal skirmish, but certainly not for one this trivial, and certainly not a PI. It’s just such a ludicrous statement all around.
85. “I’ve left you alone recently. But now you’re writing about me.”
Yes, she left me alone recently. Recently. That’s not the affirming statement she might have thought it was. It didn’t erase the stalking and harassment she did until that point. And like I said, she was spooked by the PI. Also, I wasn’t “writing about her.” I drunkenly wrote one facebook post. And it wasn’t even “about” her, really. I wrote an entire paragraph about how depressed I was and where my mental state was at, and I mentioned her in one fucking sentence. (Jesus, she really is so conceited.) Again with the hypocrisy. She wrote about me over 150 times. She had stalked and harassed me. She was spying on my facebook. She had spread personal information about me, including posting my real name on her blog. But then she got all uppity because I mentioned her, without a name, in one sentence, in a post about my mental health, because she had affected said mental health? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills! (As the great Mugatu once said.) The best part of the whole text is the fact that in writing “I’ve left you alone recently. But now you’re writing about me,” she essentially confirms what she implied in the first text - that she only texted me because I wrote about her. And she only knew that, because she was spying on my facebook, aka, still stalking me.
86. “If you wanted a serious conversation I’d have it Sophie.”
I laugh reacted that one too. The time for serious conversation had long passed. This was something she had said a few times before, in between bouts of her putting me down and spreading my personal information.
These last four bullet points all happened in a row, and I think they are a perfect representation of the abusive pattern Mandy adhered to, which is why I’m pausing here to call attention to them, not just as individual messages, but as a pattern. Mandy started with “I left you alone because I care” which I immediately called her out on. I said “HAHAHAHAHAH. That’s the funniest thing you’ve ever said. You’re insane. There’s no getting through to you. ‘I left you alone because I care.’ *goes on tumblr and writes vile shit*” Her immediate response was "You think you’re all high and mighty because your dad is a tax lawyer and knows people. I’ve left you alone recently. But now you’re writing about me.” I do not think it’s a coincidence that those three sentiments were all in one message. The first part was in response to me calling her insane. As before, the conversation wasn’t going her favor. She claimed she cared, and I rebuffed her. I fought back. So what did she do? She made an attempt to put me down. To weaken me. She quickly followed it up with “I’ve left you alone recently,” switching back to the “I care” bit, and then back to “but now you’re writing about me,” putting it all on me. She had been so good, so caring, leaving me alone. But now it’s MY fault that she started texting me again. And then of course I called her out on that as well, writing, “What else have I written? Seriously. I’d love to see how my whole world revolves around you.” And rather than actually respond to what I had said, rather than acknowledge I was correct, both in terms of me not having written anything else about her, and in terms of her changing the narrative to fit her agenda, she said, “If you wanted a serious conversation I’d have it Sophie.” She simultaneously ignored my point, AND pivoted the conversation back in the direction she wanted it to go, which was to suggest this was my fault. I was being silly, and if only I could be serious enough, we could really talk about it.
Perhaps it seems like I’ve read into this, like I’m projecting something that might otherwise not be there. I assure you that is not the case. In addition to knowing Mandy herself pretty well, I have dealt with abusers before. Many times. Too many times. I know the patterns, I know the language, I know the tactics. I can read between the lines. Not only that, but in addition to my unfortunate wealth of experience with abusers, I’m also lucky enough to have an innate understanding of psychology, and have studied it in my own free time. I have become way too skilled at deciphering text messages. My friends have begun to get annoyed with me, because I keep calling them out when I notice them concealing information from me via text. (Though they always end up glad they were honest with me after.) This is what abuse looks like. And I’ve got the patterns in writing.
87. “Like 2 people have my blog so what I write on there is mine. Apparently your friend has it though.”
Another slip. If only two people have her blog handle, one of them being me, why was she writing such targeted things towards me. And even if I believed some of them weren’t directed at me, a LOT of them were. Yes, what she writes on her blog is “hers,” but it’s still technically harassment if she intends for me to see it. And the fact that only two people have her blog certainly does not make her look innocent. As for Trisha, as I’ve said, I have no idea how she got Mandy’s blog. I suspect Mandy gave it to her a long time ago, I know they hung out once or maybe twice. Maybe she just forgot. Honestly I don’t really care.
88. “Last I checked I’m allowed to blog.”
Yes, Mandy is allowed to blog. But as I said, harassment is harassment. Not only that, but defamation is defamation. If you’re sharing personal information about someone on your blog, you’ve crossed territories. If you’re making posts specifically to hurt someone, you’ve crossed territories. It’s no longer just “blogging.” It’s an attack.
89. “How would I know if you check or not? The tracker doesn’t work when using the app as I’ve said.”
This is a bald-faced lie. Much much much earlier in the harassment period, Mandy had texted me saying “I know you check my blog, I have a tracker.” Now suddenly she’s claiming it doesn’t work on the app? Hm. Suspicious.
90. “I stopped prior to that thank you.”
Another lie, in response to me saying she only stopped harassing me because she found out about the PI. I have time stamps from texts and posts that back that up. It’s literally the only reason she stopped.
91. “I’m allowed to blog what you interpret as being about you is your problem.”
More blaming! Again, yes, Mandy is allowed to blog about whatever she wants. Until it becomes harassment and defamation. She is not allowed to blog if those posts fall under those categories. Mandy is just upset that she’s actually facing consequences for her inexcusable behavior for the first time in her life. Especially since those consequences happen to be legal ones.
92. “I have no idea if you read my blog or not.”
*Sigh.* We’ve been over this. She literally said otherwise just a few weeks before. Gosh, she really thinks she can just lie to me and I won’t catch it.
93. “Really because no one served me anything.”
This was in response to me drunkenly revealing the protective order. (For more information, read “The Sting.”) This was also where she started to panic, because she finally realized there were actual consequences.
94. “Lmao really because I’ve checked.”
In response to me saying the court date had been set. I’m not sure why she thought it would be public domain, as court hadn’t actually happened yet, so there would be nothing to publish. That seems like common sense to me. I’m not sure what she expected to find.
95. “If you want to be left alone, that’s fine.”
As I said to her, “Oh NOW you want to leave me alone. Not when I asked the other 42 times tho?” To which she said, “I’ve BEEN.” Lmao. She really is a lunatic isn’t she? Is this actually her line of thought? Like, yes, now she suddenly respects that I want to be left alone, and she’s been leaving me alone, so that magically erases her stalking me despite me telling her to fuck off 42 times? Holy shit.
96. “I do love you. But think what you want.”
Yup. I will.
And that was that whole conversation. Well most of it, I left out repetitive and inconsequential bits.
OKAY. So we are done with text messages. To sum up, Mandy created a total of 42 phone numbers to text me from. (43 including that last conversation.) Time to move on to tumblr messages. --------------------
Tumblr Messages (and Some Comments)
Addendum: Unfortunately I forgot to take screenshots of the first tumblr account she created and the messages she sent from it before I blocked it, so that conversation is lost. We’ll start from the second tumblr account she created, which I believe was right after the fourth phone number. (I apologize for the confusion. In my folder of screenshots, I have the dates and times of each interaction and post written down so the order of events are more clear. I won’t be posting those here though.)
1. “You are a monster. Incapable of love. Even with your family or friends or “goddaughter.”. (2nd tumblr account)
It’s easier for Mandy to believe someone is incapable of love or never loved her in the first place than to believe someone did love her once and they stopped because of her. I love quite a few people, some more than others, of course. She also always puts “goddaughter” in quotes, which I’ve addressed in the “Texts” section, as well as in the “Tumblr Posts” section.
2. “Nice status by the way, why would I contact anyone for info.”
She was referring to a post I made on my PRIVATE facebook warning people that she may contact them for information about me or to harass them. She had ALREADY begun harassing other people in my life, and I don’t think it was far-fetched to consider she might approach others. She also later did start looking for info about me on various sites and apps, so I clearly wasn’t far off.
3. “You can’t tell me what to do.” (3rd tumblr account)
I mean, technically, no. However, I CAN tell someone what I do and do not want, and if they choose to not respect my boundaries as an autonomous person, that says a lot about what kind of person they are.
4. “Also didn’t your little character in your YouTube video say not to call a psycho a psycho? I don’t mind it but maybe heed your own advice.”
This is in reference to a video of me doing a scene from Killing Eve (great show, definitely go watch it). My YouTube channel is pretty obscure, so she had to actively search for it. I’m sure she was just trying to unnerve me (lol), both by showing me she was following me on ALL social media as well as implicitly referring to herself as a psycho and using threatening language. Which, yes, “but maybe heed your own advice,” while not a direct threat, is threatening language.
5. “I have a lot of accounts. Want to keep playing this? I just know how you could walk about of my life. I just want to know how you could do this to me after all of this time.” (4th tumblr account)
Sounds like she’s admitting she is, and intends to, continue stalking me. Also that she sees this as some kind of “game” to “win?” I don’t know how her brain works, but the posts she made on her tumblr seem to suggest that. And how could I walk out? Asked and answered, both in the initial letter, and later, in my first responses. Too much had happened, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to ever fully forgive her, trust her, and move on. I knew that the only reason she was still in my life was so I could take my anger out on her for catharsis after all she put me through. That is super fucked up and not who I want to be. There were other reasons I finally ended the friendship, but those were the main two. After everything she put me through during the four years I knew her, I’m surprised I didn’t do it sooner. (And after all of THIS crap that she put me through after ending it, I really regret not doing it sooner.)
6. “I don’t see why you don’t want contact with me anyway.”
Multi-part answer here. Firstly, because she was just not someone I wanted in or around my life (for reasons I listed in the letter). Secondly, because of all the bullshit she had been pulling after I attempted to end the friendship as peacefully and politely as I could. Thirdly, IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT SHE DIDN’T SEE WHY. When someone sets a boundary, that’s it, there’s a boundary. I have had people end relationships with me and not understand why. But I didn’t stalk and chase them. I was sad and heartbroken but I dealt with that on my own, because that was their decision to make.
7. “I want a civil conversation. In person. Or on the phone.”
And we’re back to what Mandy wants. Everything was always about what she wanted. She was incapable of understanding that what she wants isn’t the only thing that matters. I did not want that. Which at that point I think is completely reasonable considering the horrible things she had said to and about me. I honestly still can’t wrap my head around how she thought there was any possibility I’d be willing to do that.
8. “That was a misconstrued typo.”
In response to me calling her out for the VILE sentiment about my goddaughter. (See “Texts” section.) I’m not sure which part she was referring to, but it’s kind of ridiculous considering the entire sentence used violent language. Not gonna lie, I guffawed. Referring to using a racial slur and wishing violence upon a child as a typo? This is the language of a severely unbalanced person.
9. “Look, I’m not saying let’s make up. I’m saying let’s talk - closure’s sake for me.”
We were well past that point. If she had said this RIGHT after I sent the letter. Like, “I understand you don’t want to be friends anymore, can we at least talk about why so I can have closure?” I might have been open to that. After all this? Not a fucking chance. Not to mention, I had made it quite clear at that point I wanted zero contact with her. I told her she was harassing me and to leave me alone. I didn’t want to talk. But SHE wanted to talk. And therefore it was totally reasonable of her to continue to pressure me and push on my boundaries, because what she wants is waaaaayyyy more important than what I want, obviously.
10. “I never said you’re a sociopath, although to be fair you called me a psychopath.”
Upon reflection, it is true she hadn’t call me a sociopath (yet. She did later though - multiple times, in fact). But she did say that I was a monster who was incapable of love, and is that really different? I did not call her a psychopath, I called her psychotic, which I stand by. As I explained to her, I had evidence to back up my claims, and she did not, other than me not loving her anymore, which, sadly, literally happens all the time in life, and I think was pretty reasonable in my case, considering the content of our friendship.
11. “I’m neither of those things beyond borderline, same as you.”
This was in response to me calling her “sick” and “ill.” We are both diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. But we are not the same, which I made sure to express to her. I may have BPD, as well as a whole host of other illnesses, but I would NEVER pull this kind of shit on someone. Ever. Whatever this was, it isn’t Borderline. This is some next level shit.
12. “At least I’m not running to Facebook with screenshots. I actually have kept this off of social media beyond Tumblr.”
It’s true, I was posting screenshots on Facebook, simply because I was incredibly stressed and upset, and Facebook is where I share a lot of my personal life, besides this blog. I’ll say again, my Facebook is PRIVATE, and I therefore have the right to post whatever I’d like, so long as I don’t share anyone’s real name or personal information, (which I did not). I wasn’t posting to make fun of her, or to get my friends to talk shit. I was posting screenshots so people could see what I was dealing with. Also, I’m not sure how true her statement was. I had Mandy blocked on everything at this point, so even though she was claiming she wasn’t posting anywhere other than her blog, I suspect that was a lie. Both because I know her, and because of something she posted on her own tumblr (which I’ll get to in the “Tumblr Post” section).
13. “It’s not like you’re in danger or anything, you know damn well I’m not like that at the bare minimum I hope you know that.”
The truth is, I don’t know that. I do believe that Mandy would hurt herself before she’d hurt someone else. That being said, these events proved to me that Mandy was far more unstable than I had thought. So what else could she be capable of, if she was pushed far enough?
14. “Give me my conversation, and I’ll consider going away.” (5th tumblr account)
Ah yes, what an excellent way to convince me to talk to her. She’ll “consider” going away. What an appeal. Another demand for what she wants. Another wrecking ball to my boundaries. More disregard for my autonomy. More entitled language. This experience made me realize that Mandy’s entire existence is that of a toddler throwing a tantrum. She wants it, she gets it, and if she doesn’t, she stomps her feet and yells and pouts and guilt trips you and moans until she gets her way. And clearly, she can go for a long ass time. (Which is definitely not something to be proud of, in this case.)
15. “And to be fair, you have more diagnoses than I do. Not that that defines you, but isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black? You yourself have said you’re more fucked up than me.”
I did say that once, but clearly I was mistaken. Having more diagnoses doesn’t automatically make someone more “fucked up” than someone else. I am actively working on myself. I’m medicated. I take my therapy seriously. Can she say the same? Severity also plays a factor. Perhaps I match all nine symptoms of Borderline and she doesn’t, but maybe the symptoms she does match are more severe than how my symptoms manifest? (As I said earlier, I do also suspect she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which would account for a lot of this behavior, but I’m not a licensed therapist.) Either way, what Mandy did to me is more than I have ever or would ever do to someone, so I feel confident in saying that no, I am definitely not more fucked up than her.
16. “Like I said, give me my conversation and I’ll back off and you can stop acting like I’m ruining your life or something which I’m not.” (6th tumblr account)
There’s a couple things to point out here. First of all, we have more demands. Another account despite me literally just saying she was harassing me and telling her to leave me alone (which was my last message in the previous exchange). (And no, “leave me alone” is not the same kind of demand as “give me my conversation,” because the first one is a boundary I am setting around myself, and the second one is something someone else was trying to impose on me. Very different circumstances.) Also, previously, she didn’t say if I gave her a chance she would back off, she said she would “consider” it. Perhaps she realized that her simply considering to back off wasn’t so appetizing after all? Another point, she was gaslighting me here. As I said, I was posting on facebook about what was going on and how it was affecting me, and she decided I was lying or exaggerating because what I was saying didn’t fit her narrative. “I’m not hurting you,” is a statement very often used by abusers as a way to gaslight their victims. If someone tells you you’re hurting them (or some variation of that), you take it at face value. People usually don’t lie about that sort of thing. Lastly, and maybe most importantly, I find her use of the word “my,” in “give me MY conversation,” to be interesting and important to highlight. I keep going back to Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and this idea that everything always has to be about Mandy. It’s not A conversation, it’s not OUR conversation, it’s HER conversation. Because it’s what SHE wants. Because it’s HER terms, HER narrative. It honestly shocks me how unaware she is of her own narcissism.
17. “Ever think maybe if you reason with me, I’d go away?” (7th tumblr account)
No. I think Mandy is beyond reason. Especially considering I had tried reasoning with her many times in the past, including during this time period. Also, I thought my letter was pretty reasonable, as did everyone I’d shown it to. And of course, it doesn’t matter if I was willing to “reason” with her or not. She should have left me alone because I told her to.
18. “Don’t block me, leave the door open in case I need ya someday.”
Back to what Mandy wants! She wanted me to leave the door open in case SHE needed ME. Even though I made it quite apparent I wanted nothing to do with her. Really speaks to what kind of person she is.
19. “You could have kept me on Tumblr at least...You could have kept me on Tumblr to keep the peace. You could have met me more in the middle.”
Yes. I could have. But I DIDN’T WANT TO. And me keeping her on tumblr is not what should have “kept the peace.” I did not owe her a spot in the middle, and me not meeting her in the middle was not a good enough reason for what she did. See the blaming language here? It’s obviously my fault she’s stalking and harassing me. Duh.
20. “Yeahhhhh but I have love for ya.”
This was in response to me telling her “You could be a rational, normal human being and moved on with your life.” Having love for someone is not a reason to stalk them. In fact, I would say the opposite. If you love someone, you respect their boundaries. If you love someone, you let them leave your life, because that’s what would make them happy.
21. “Do you really think you can just never talk to me for the rest of my life?”
Creepy, possessive, controlling, a little threatening too.
22. “Well you owe it to me to be here. In the event of an emergency as a good human.”
Yes, she actually said that, that I “owe” it to her to be here. I don’t owe anyone anything. I choose to be there for people because I am a good person, and it’s always a choice I make, not an obligation. I also believe her use of the word “emergency” was alluding to her attempting suicide or self-harm, something she used to manipulate me many times during our friendship, as well as during this period of time while she was harassing me.
23. “And I do deserve to be met in the middle. I have been there for you. I was there when you were roofied. I was there for many times.”
She didn’t deserve to be met in the middle, simply by virtue of the fact that she had put me through a lot during our friendship. All of this bullshit aside, she had broken my trust too many times, and I was done. Those who know what our friendship was like agree that me walking away was more than fair by that point. I also found her random dropping of the time I was roofied to be tasteless and suspicious. I’ve long suspected her of being the one who roofied me, though I have no idea where she would have gotten them. I thought maybe she roofied me because she wanted to play the hero and rescue me. (I know that sounds conceited but if you knew what our friendship was like at that point and how she treated me, it wouldn’t sound so crazy.) However, Zach, who was also there for me that night, told me that Mandy was grumbling and complaining and irritated the whole time. So not only does that make my theory less likely, it also makes Mandy’s point moot. She may have been “there for me” that night, but she made it obvious, at least to Zach, that she didn’t want to be. As for these “many” other times she was there for me, Mandy seemed unable to provide me with other examples. In fact, I honestly can’t recall a single other time I actually called on Mandy for help, emotional support, or anything important, and she came through. Not a one. Interesting.
23. “The last time during our friendship for the most part I was a good friend during it and I tried to make up for my actions in the past. I’m not claiming I’m in the right either, wrong is wrong.”
I did not miss her use of “for the most part.” Or her use of the word “friend.” You see, on her final chance, she wasn’t technically supposed to even be my friend. I made sure she understood (or so I thought) that she was on probation, that she was not actually going to be in my life for a long time. She constantly and consistently pressed that, pushing boundaries and trying to adjust the timeline to her schedule. (This was one of the many clues that pointed me to the fact she hadn’t actually changed as much as she claimed.) But again, it doesn’t matter that she felt like she was a good friend on her last shot. Because a) I told her it didn’t matter, that too much had happened and I was unable to move past it, and b) that I saw too many recurring patterns and red flags that I couldn’t ignore. She may have tried to make up for her actions in the past, but that doesn’t mean she was successful. (And I’m not even really sure how hard she tried, considering the clues I mentioned.) I’m not sure what she meant by “I’m not claiming I’m in the right either, wrong is wrong.” Was she referring to the past? Because if that’s the case, yeah she was definitely in the wrong. Was she referring to what she was doing here, what I’m writing about? Because if so, yeah, she was definitely in the wrong, although she did later go back on that in many a blog post (see “Tumblr Post” section) claiming that other people agreed with her and what she was doing. Regardless, either way she’s in the wrong, so I guess it doesn’t matter that I don’t know which time period she was referring to. But isn’t that problematic in and of itself? That I don’t know which time period of “wrong” she was referring to? Because there was more than one?
24. “So what, are you gonna try and never talk to me again for the rest of my life?”
Yes, that was the idea. And again, her use of the word “try” creeped me out. Possessive, controlling, and a hint of a threat.
25. “I’ll always be here <3 Just like your new tattoo.” (9th tumblr account)
Creepy, stalker-y (we been knew), and a reference to a tattoo I had literally gotten earlier that day, which I had posted about on both tumblr and instagram.
26. “Now you’re having your friends and acquaintances preemptively block me? That’s just sad. I have plenty of accounts. If I want to message someone, I will. If I don’t want to, I wont.” (10th tumblr account)
As I explained to Mandy, I was not “preemptively” having people block her. On one of my facebook posts, one, individual person asked me for her name so she could block her, and rather than post it on my wall, I told her I would message her the name privately. I then expressed to others that if they wanted to block her, they could also message me privately for the name. At no point did I ask people to block her, or tell people to block her.
I’d be doing myself a disservice if I didn’t mention that, upon this correction, rather than acknowledge she had misread my PRIVATE facebook status, she just straight up ignored it.
In response to her calling me “sad,” I would just like to say that I think stalking someone who wants nothing to do with you is pretty sad, but you know, that doesn’t fit Mandy’s narrative so.
Her last statement in that particular message, while not a direct threat, was certainly threatening language. I did notice that, that a large chunk of Mandy’s messages to me were threatening, somehow without being actual threats. A rare show of intelligence for her. I’d be impressed if it wasn’t awful.
27. “Look, if I wanted to message someone, I would. I feel I’ve done enough at this point.”
She already had messaged people, so her point is kind of moot. And clearly she didn’t feel she’d done enough, because she went on to do a lot more.
28. “You haven’t done anything additional for me to act out upon.”
Blaming language. The onus is now on me. I haven’t done anything for her to “act out upon.” You know, as opposed to her acting of her own accord. Is it just me, or does this sound a bit like “I hit you because you make me so angry?” Different type of abuse, same sentiment. And considering she continued down this road, I’m not sure what I could have “done” to “provoke” her, other than just ignore her and/or refuse to talk to her.
29. “I said I wouldn’t message anyone. And I won’t message anyone.”
A lie. Like I said, she did message someone already. And she continued to do so after this.
30. “I still feel you’re 100% in the wrong, but that may take time for you to realize.”
I feel like I literally just wrote something about her acknowledging she wasn’t totally in the right. Consistency is clearly not a strong suit of hers. This is also more abusive, gaslighting language. She was stalking me, harassing me, harassing my friends, (and at a later point sharing personal information about me), yet I’m 100% in the wrong? Funnily enough, I believe that she is 100% in the wrong. Yes, having someone end a friendship is hard, it hurts, but it most certainly does not warrant this kind of behavior. Maybe one day I’ll reflect on this and realize that I carried a little blame, but honestly I really doubt it. Nothing I did or said deserved this. I stand by that, and many others, especially those who knew her, agree with me.
31. “I feel you’re in the wrong for cutting me out, and blocking me prior to finishing a well-deserved conversation.”
She is entitled to feel I was in the wrong. She was NOT entitled to stalk me because she felt that way. She was NOT entitled to a conversation because she felt that way. And no, I don’t think the conversation was well-deserved, considering our history. Also, we weren’t in the middle of a conversation! I ended the friendship. Period. That’s it. In a romantic relationship, when one person wants to break up, they break up. Sometimes the breaker chooses to have a conversation with the breakee, but not always. (Especially in cases where the breakee has a history of not accepting your choice, as is here.) A platonic relationship is not different.
32. “I realize I handled this incorrectly in terms of my reaction, but too little too late there.”
So she decided to double down instead of just apologizing and saying goodbye? Jesus.
33. “But I’m sure you can understand that from my perspective there’s no winning regardless of how I reacted.”
Okay, so I’m assuming that by “winning” she meant having me in her life, which is language she used later. Firstly, I am not a prize to be won. I am a fucking person, with my own wants, needs, thoughts, feelings, opinions, and choices. (One of the symptoms of NPD is viewing everyone in your life as objects who serve you, just saying.) And so what, because there’s no way I could be in her life regardless, she decided to react like THIS? How did she not realize how psychotic that is?
34. “I do love you Sophie. You can take that or leave it.”
This is not how you treat people you love. This is emotional abuse. And, as I said to her, I chose to leave it.
35. “I have said some mean things, you are correct.”
Mean is definitely not the word I would use. Some of the things Mandy said to me were vile. Disgusting. Malicious. Violent. Racist. And it only got worse from here. But yeah sure mean works.
36. “Ideally, I’d like to have a conversation with you, for closure’s sake, in person, and I’d like to be able to read your blog and make sure you’re okay even if you don’t follow back. Realistically, I’d like it to be where that if I ever ran into you someday, we could say hello. Ideally, I’d like us to be civil.”
I have no idea how Mandy thought any of this was possible after everything else. Perhaps, as I pointed out to her, had she just accepted the end of our friendship, yes, I could have been civil with her if I ever saw her in the street. Maybe even friendly. I probably could have said hello and made small talk. But after this? Abso-fucking-lutely not.
37. “I’m not claiming I’m in the right for what was said about your mom or anything. I’m not.”
Weird language here. “What was said about your mom...” Is she implying she was not the one who said she hoped my mom died of pancreatic cancer? (See “Texts” section.) I did not fail to notice the subtle dodging of responsibility. Also, didn’t she say I was 100% in the wrong, like, just a few messages ago? Ugh, my head hurts.
38. “I do feel you could’ve kept it to where we could read each other’s stuff from the jump, I feel that would’ve been fair.”
Yeah, I could have kept it to where we could read each other’s stuff, but that’s not what I wanted, and it was wrong of her to attempt to force me otherwise. I don’t care what she felt was “fair.” For the record, I think me giving her three fucking chances to be a good friend was more than fair, and considering that, and the fact that she blew all of them, I strongly feel she had forfeited the right to decide what was “fair” or not.
39. “Handling abandonment has never been a strong suit of mine, definitely something I need to work on.”
Excusing your bad behavior due to mental illness is not the right tactic to try with me, especially considering it’s something I speak on so frequently. I also have abandonment issues, and while, in the past, I have struggled with blowing up people’s phones, throwing tantrums in public (a form of dissociation), and having mental breakdowns over said abandonment, I have never done anything even remotely close to this. I have always accepted a full loss of a relationship, and dealt with those issues on my own, or with help from others, but NEVER foisting it onto the person whom I lost. NEVER going to this level of stalking and harassment. Not even close.
40. “I’m not claiming this is how I am and it’s ok.”
I don’t know, it kind of seems like she just did that, doesn’t it?
41. “But I don’t think you’re in the right either, to be fair, I don’t think it’s fair that it’s always been you sending a novella and not giving me a chance to respond.”
I’m not in the right, why? Because I wanted to end our friendship? I don’t necessarily think ending a friendship makes a person “in the wrong,” but even if you feel that way, that doesn’t give you the right to stalk and harass someone. As I said, nothing I said or did warranted this type of reaction. As for the novellas (that gave me a chuckle), it has always been that way because it has always been Mandy being a toxic, manipulative person who impacted my life negatively, and I wanted to end the friendship. It was always a novella because I did care about Mandy at one point, and so I took the time out of my day to explain why I was ending the friendship, instead of a brief “this is over” or just blocking and ghosting her because I felt she deserved to understand, and I hoped she would learn from it. (Spoiler alert, she never did.) And not “allowing” her to respond? Easy. I ended the relationship, and it was up to me, as the person ending the relationship, to decide if I’m willing to have a conversation about it. Also, every single time I tried to end the friendship, Mandy tried to bully me back into it. So yeah, I didn’t give her the opportunity to respond, and considering her repeated behavior, I’d say that was reasonable.
42. “I am not claiming that I haven’t been abusive in terms of what I did 2 years ago, and other moments I am sure. However, over the last year, for the most part, I was kind and civil to you, that doesn’t erase everything else but I don’t feel it wasn’t warranted in this instance. *This time around* I don’t feel it was warranted. I feel it could’ve been a conversation.”
Again, the abuse she inflicted on me two years ago was a large part of the reason I ended the friendship this time, as. I. Stipulated. In. The. Letter. (Man, I’m getting sick of saying that. I warned y’all it would be repetitive.) And I noticed her use, once again, of the phrase “for the most part.” Yeah, maybe, but again, that doesn’t account for those two years, which, AGAIN, was one of the main reasons I ended the friendship this time! And, AGAIN, it doesn’t matter that SHE felt she was kind and civil to me, or that SHE felt it wasn’t warranted in this instance, or that SHE felt is could’ve been a conversation. She is entitled to feel however she likes. She is NOT entitled to force what she wants onto me, an autonomous person with my own wants and needs. And while her emphasis on “this time around” seems to imply an acknowledgement that my (seemingly) abruptly ending the friendship was warranted the other times, the fact remains that she fought tooth and nail and told me I was wrong and reacted poorly in those circumstances, too! (Though not quite as horribly as she reacted this time.)
43. “And if you were going to cut me out, it should’ve been from the jump, not a month and change later Sophie, that gave me hope that things would be ok.”
I can understand her being hurt and angry over this. I totally can. Independently from everything else she did, her feelings in that regard are totally valid. (Feelings, not resulting behavior!) That being said, as I communicated to her, it was absolutely not my intention at all to drag things out. I needed time away from her to realize how I felt and what I needed. I was sorry that it hurt her (as I said in the letter). If I had understood my feelings sooner, I would have cut her off sooner. I am not the kind of person to drag things out.
(I also feel the need to add here that this last chance was supposed to be my space away from her. As per usual, she kept pushing and pushing and pushing and forcing her agenda and that is part of what made me realize she hadn’t changed enough and I needed to pull the plug on the friendship. Instead of having the time I had carved out, the probationary period I had asked for, and allowed her, after the second chance, I was subjected to a constant pressure on my boundaries, despite my alerting her to that pressure several times, and a constant whining on her part about how things weren’t moving fast enough for her. This, of course, has no bearing on the validity of her feelings in terms of how long it took me to come to the conclusion I came to. I only wanted to point it out because of the fact that I said needed time away from her to understand my feelings, and I never really got it.)
44. “Never said I was in the right.”
She did say I was 100% in the wrong. She also later posted that she was in the right a couple times on her blog. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.)
45. “I don’t know, some kind of understanding, maybe some degree of civility. If you’re talking about right now? I don’t expect it. I hope for it, there’s a difference.”
This was in response to me asking what she thought she was going to achieve. Like I said, I can’t believe she thought there was any chance I could or would be civil to her after this. And while there is absolutely a difference between expecting something and hoping for something, I don’t think Mandy understands what that difference is. I’m pretty sure that for Mandy, everything she feels is just a slight variation of entitlement.
46. “But again, I’m sure you can understand from my side, there was no winning. No matter what I said or did. No matter how I reacted, I wouldn’t have had a chance at having you in my life.”
Ah, there’s the language I was looking for. This proves what I said earlier, that the “winning” she was referring to was having me in her life. Again, I’m not a prize to be won. Again, this in no way excuses her actions. And no, I don’t understand her side. Not if she’s referring to the heinous actions she took.
47. “I’m not justifying anything.”
Eh, it kind of sounds like she’s trying to. This is very reminiscent of the kind of weaving Sean would do. He’d use language that was just ambiguous enough that he could go back on it, twist and tweak it slightly, and play both (or in some cases, multiple) sides. Mandy did that a lot too.
48. “Look, you’re a kind, forgiving person. I hope someday we can be civil, but recognize that’s highly unlikely.”
Manipulative language. I don’t know if I’d quite call it love bombing, but it’s definitely lip service. Oh, you’re a k i n d and f o r g i v i n g person BUT you probably won’t forgive me...This kind of double speak was an attempt to guilt trip me.
(Look, I’ve been around the block when it comes to abuse. I genuinely don’t understand why people think they can try this shit with me and I won’t notice or call them out on it.)
49. “And guess what? The changes I have made are real but the fact remains I do not handle abandonment well I never have...That doesn’t erase the progress in other areas, but I admit, abandonment, is something I need to work on.”
I think she said this more for her benefit than for mine. The changes she made were clearly not real. The mask slipped far to quickly for me to believe that. And if they are real, they are very small and very few. And again we have the subtle shift of blame to her mental illness, instead of taking responsibility for her own actions.
50. “So what are you going to do, try and never talk to me for the rest of my life?”
Pretty sure this was the third time she said this. I really don’t want to repeat my thoughts again. Just go back a few bullet points.
51. “I love you. I always will.”
Yes, she said that. Many times. And I don’t believe her. This isn’t love. This is obsession and a desire for control.
52. “I just want it out there that I care about you and you matter to me, even though I know you’re not exactly happy with me.” (12 tumblr account)
I had already told her many MANY times that I wanted no contact from her. If she cared about me, she would have accepted how I felt and respected that I no longer wished for a relationship with her and moved on. But no, because this is what love means to Mandy. I’d honestly feel really bad for her if she hadn’t done all of this.
53. This is the quick exchange that immediately followed the previous message:
Me: “Stop messaging me.”
Mandy: “I have.”
Me: “You haven’t.”
Mandy: “I barely have.”
Me: “You literally just messaged me.”
I just...wow. There’s not really a response to this, I just needed to post this so that I had it down on paper just how ludicrous this person’s logic is.
53. “Dude what are you gonna do try to never talk to me again. I care about you.”
Fourth time’s the charm? YES. That is what I was TRYING to do. (God I hate how she kept using that word. So creepy.) I’m not sure why she kept asking, I feel like I made that pretty clear. If she cared about me she would have left me alone.
54. “I have not tried to hurt you I’ve spoken out of anger there’s a difference.”
Not really. When she was angry, she wanted to hurt me. She made attempts to hurt me, because she was angry. (Also, being angry isn’t an excuse to be racist. Which, clearly she is, as she continued to berate my goddaughter’s mother in racist ways.)
55. “It’s not fair to attempt to never talk to me.”
Yeah, I think it is. After what kind of friend she was, and then especially after the stalking thing. But it doesn’t matter whether she thinks it’s fair or not. It’s my life and I get to decide who I want in it. She can be hurt, she can disagree, she can think it’s unfair, but that doesn’t give her a right to stalk and harass me.
56. “I said things without thinking. There’s a difference.”
Yes, there is a difference, but I don’t think she said things without thinking. She put thought into the things she said. She chose words and phrases specifically designed to hurt me, upset me, and push my buttons. I don’t believe for a second that she didn’t think about the things she was saying. (Also, if you’re racist when you’re “not thinking,” you’re probably just racist.)
57. “If you’re giving someone else a chance you owe me one too.”
Not how it works? It’s like Mandy’s whole identity is just feeling entitled to stuff and having a mental break when she doesn’t get those things. I’m an AUTONOMOUS PERSON. I get to decide who gets another chance and who doesn’t. You don’t have to agree, but you don’t get to make the decision for me, or try to push me in the direction you want.
58. “Stalking is waiting outside of someone’s house, which I haven’t done.”
False. She had done it just a couple years prior. And while she hadn’t done it yet this time around (so gross that I can say that), she had created multiple phone numbers and tumblr accounts to continue to reach out to me despite me making it clear I wanted zero contact from her. She also somehow was able to view my private social media, which is very invasive. All of this IS a form of stalking. It’s called cyber stalking. And harassment is just harassment. It doesn’t matter what form it’s in.
59. “That’s your opinion. And that’s fine.”
Not an opinion? The definition of cyberstalking is: the act of persistent and unwanted contact from someone online. It may involve any number of incidents including threats, libel, defamation, sexual harassment, or other actions with the intention to control, influence, or intimidate their target. Mandy did all of these with the exception of sexual harassment and direct threats, though she made many indirect threats. The legal definition of harassment is: unwanted conduct related to a protected characteristic which has the purpose or effect of violating the dignity of an individual, or creates an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for the individual. Seems pretty accurate to me.
60. “Like I said if you’re giving someone else a chance you owe it to me to give me one too.”
No, no, no. Not how it works. I don’t owe anyone anything. And especially not Mandy. I gave Mandy three chances and was not about to give her a fourth. The person she’s referring to is Trisha, who was only on her second chance. Entitled, controlling, possessive.
61. “And you don’t seem to have cared at all that you hurt me.”
Manipulative language aside, I did care. I SAID SO in the letter. I said that I was sorry I was hurting her. I said part of the reason I was ending the friendship was that I didn’t want to hurt her. However, I can honestly say that after her reaction and continuous harassment, no, I no longer cared that I hurt her. Besides, she didn’t seem to care that she was hurting me. Because my feelings aren’t important, only Mandy’s are.
62. “And it’s been a year and a half with us as well. If my timeline is correct.”
Her timeline was not correct. I was referring to how long it took for Trisha and I to resume a friendship. It has been maybe a year, MAYBE, since I put Mandy on probation. And that’s the crazy part, she was supposed to be on probation. But as I said, she continuously pushed on my boundaries and tried to speed up the timeline so it fit her agenda. I had zero contact with Trisha at all for six months. And then six months of super awkward contact about Lexi ONLY. And then in the following six months, we hung out TWICE. I’m really not sure why Mandy thought her situation was comparable.
63. “Hold on a sec, over the last year, for the most part, I have been kind and good and supportive to you. Correct me if I’m wrong.”
She was not wrong. For the most part, Mandy WAS kind and good and supportive. She was also pushy and passive aggressive, and would consistently disregard my needs and feelings. I had to constantly remind her where my boundaries were, and frequently expressed that I felt she was pressuring me. Also, “for the most part,” is not what a friend should be shooting for. But none of this really matters, because, like I said in the letter, a large part of the reason I ended the friendship was because of what happened before, and that I would not be able to move pass it. Therefore, her behavior over the past year was kind of moot.
64. “What exactly were you looking for that didn’t happen if I may ask?”
Honestly, I was sick of answering. These were behaviors that had been going on since the beginning of our friendship, things I had been continuously and repeatedly pointing out (including in this entry!). I’m not going to keep explaining something to someone who doesn’t seem capable of really listening or absorbing it. And I’m not going to keep explaining something after four fucking years. She had a chance to meet my expectations, she failed. If she wants to better understand what happened, she can look back at the years we were friends and figure it out.
65. “Like I said, I stand by the fact that you could’ve at least allowed contact on tumblr or something. Instead of jumping to you didn’t trust me you could’ve tried. And blocked me if I broke those boundaries.”
I could have, I didn’t want to. That’s not what I wanted. I wanted ZERO contact. And gee, I wonder why I jumped to not trusting her. Even if I had done things her way, when I did inevitably block her after she broke those boundaries, she still would have flipped out and pulled this. And, as it turns out, she was ALREADY BREAKING THOSE BOUNDARIES. Apparently, by her own admission, Mandy had created several dummy accounts on instagram to follow me A YEAR AGO, the last time I blocked her on instagram. So her request is hollow. She was already breaking my boundaries, and therefore by her own logic I had reason to block her fully. But Mandy isn’t driven by logic, she’s driven by entitlement.
66. “I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”
I would honestly rather her hate me and not stalk me than the other way around.
67. “I don’t think you ever cared. That’s about it.”
Manipulative and false. As I said many times, I did care about her once. A lot. And my past actions back that up.
68. “Like I said, I don’t appreciate how you handled it.”
And that’s fine. She doesn’t have to. I don’t care if she doesn’t “appreciate” how I handled it. That doesn’t make any of this okay.
69. “And I’m not manipulating you.”
OH! Okay! I guess she’s not manipulating me then. 😒🙄
70. “But at the same time you don’t get to pretend you know how I feel about you or don’t.”
I have no idea what she’s trying to say here. It’s true that I have no way of knowing how she really feels about me. What I can say is that this is not how you treat someone you love. I believe that Mandy believes she loves me, but this isn’t what love is.
71. “If I’m wrong somewhere I’m wrong. I admit when I am wrong.”
This sounds like she’s trying to dodge responsibility. “If I’m wrong somewhere” sounds a lot like a dismissal. Anyway, as evidenced by many of these messages, she clearly isn’t capable of admitting when she’s wrong.
72. “And I feel like I should be able to read your blog. I’m still gonna read it.”
Very controlling and entitled. It doesn’t matter if she “feels” like she should be able to read my blog. I don’t want her to. But if Mandy feels like she deserves something, by golly she’s gonna get it or die trying! Mandy can claim all she wants she’s capable of respecting boundaries, but the simple fact is that she’s only capable of respecting boundaries UNTIL they directly oppose what she wants.
73. “Neither was you cutting me out.”
This was in response to me saying her feeling she should be able to read my blog was “not her fucking call.” It was absolutely my fucking call to cut Mandy out. Look at this comparison here. Mandy seems to be saying that her choosing to continue looking at my stuff even though I told her I don’t want that, to me telling her I don’t her in my life. What? This is something I learned from Zach. You can’t compare someone setting a boundary around themselves to someone imposing something on someone else. In this case, “I don’t want you in my life,” versus, “I’m going to read your blog even though you don’t want me to.” These things are clearly not the same. Well, they are the same in that both of them stem from boundaries I attempted to set around myself and Mandy chose to barrel through.
74. “I’m still gonna read it regardless all I have to do is logout.”
Okay so you’re gonna continue to disrespect my boundaries and prove you’re a self-centered person. Cool.
75. “Nah I took my temp this morning I’m good.”
In response to me telling her she is sick. Oooo so edgy.
76. “What good would come out of me doing so? Riddle me that...Please explain that. Let’s say I handled things the ‘right’ way, what good would have come out of that. You know what, maybe nothing Sophie, but I want to know that you’re okay. Because I care...But still I wouldn’t have had you in my life in any capacity.”
She meant what good would have come out her respecting my boundaries. And I gotta say, I found this so fucking significant. This one sentiment is proof to me that Mandy only ever does the right thing when it benefits her. Why would she respect my boundaries when it doesn’t get her what she wants? What good would have come from it? My mental well-being? My happiness? And then of course she sprinkles in the gaslighting, that she’s doing this because she c a r e s about me.
77. “I’m really hard to ignore if you haven’t figured that out yet.”
Threatening language, creepy, controlling.
78. “You do realize my ex and I broke up 5 years ago and very occasionally I check her socials right?”
So here we have her just straight up admitting this is a pattern of behavior. (More on this later.)
79. “I am sure I will check your socials in the future. Even if you don’t want me to. Most of your stuff is public, even my therapist said that...I’m just pointing out that your stuff is public and there’s nothing wrong with me checking a public social.”
It’s true that my blog and my instagram are public. My twitter is also public but I barely use it. I have a following, a small following, but a following nonetheless. But then why do this? If she was going to be like, fine, I’ll check her stuff anyway, because I care about her and want to know how her life is going, why not just do it? Why make a big stink over it? Why harass and stalk me? Why get all butthurt that I blocked her tumblr account? All of which I asked her of course. (Not to mention, my accounts may be public but I still have the right to block whoever I want. And the fact that I blocked her kind of makes it wrong for her to go out of her way to check my accounts, even if they are public. Just saying.) And she responded:
80. “Because it’s the point that you don’t want it.”
Not much to say here. That’s just...wow. Possessive, controlling, juvenile, just...wow.
81. “It’d be nice if I could at least see if someone I care about is okay somehow. You do realize that’s my reasoning right. My reasoning for checking on you isn’t some sick twisted motive it’s because I care.”
It doesn’t matter what the motive is. The actions Mandy took ARE sick and twisted. Intention matters far less than result, especially in this case.
82. “I wouldn’t want you reading the things I’ve said on my blog recently but I didn’t block you.”
Bull. Shit. She absolutely said this because she wanted me to see what she had written, which was some really vile stuff. Certainly not things you say about someone you care about. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.)
83. “This certainly isn’t gonna help my case, but since I doubt you’ll read my book I’ll just tell you. I unmatched someone from your tinder once. A long long time ago...You let me use your phone to call my mom and I did...I’m just being honest. I’m sorry for that I really regret it.”
Alarming, to say the least. I already knew privacy and boundaries were concepts Mandy struggled with, but still. I don’t know why Mandy did this, she claimed it was because she was insecure about how many girls her friends were talking to (as opposed to her), but I’m not so sure. I know she had feelings for me at that point, or maybe it had nothing to do with her romantic feelings at all, and it purely came from a controlling, possessive impulse. (Which, yes, being insecure that someone is talking to more people than you are is still a controlling impulse.) I’m not sure why she shared this with me. Zach thinks it was a tactic, to be like “see, look, I’m being more honest, you can trust me.” I disagree. I think it comes back to the line about me probably not reading her book (which was manipulative). I think she shared this tidbit of information in an effort to get me to ask her more questions about other things she’s done. Throughout this whole ordeal, Mandy’s objective remained this same: to get me to talk to her. And her various tactics reflected that. Realistically though, it was probably a combination of the two.
84. “You do realize I straight up put my ex through hell for a month and a half right? Not saying that’s the case here, but it’s a bad habit. I called her 165 times in 24 hours. There’s something else but I’ll leave that for the book. I’m not saying it’s a habit I’m happy with either.”
Another, more specific, admission of a toxic pattern of behavior. Mandy has stalked and harassed someone before. And while she may have done the obsessive calling and messaging over a month and half, I know for a fact that the obsession and stalking extended past that. When Mandy got super drunk, I had to take her phone from her, because she would try to text or call her ex. I regret to say that I accompanied Mandy on a fake date to spy on her ex at work. It was fucked up, and I’d apologize to her ex if I could. Saying that it’s a habit she’s “not happy with” doesn’t make her look better, if anything it makes it look a little dismissive. And we have another manipulative moment, where she drops a hint about the book.
85. “There’s more but I suppose you’ll just have to read my book 😌 If you wanted to do that.”
All I saw was, “please read my book! Oh please oh please oh please!” Ugh.
86. “Stop pretending to be a good person bro. You can’t love, can’t feel, have no inner soul or being whatsoever. (14th tumblr account)
She created a whole ass tumblr account purely to comment this on one of my blog posts. The third time she’d done it, in fact. (Tumblr accounts 11 and 12 were also created for this purpose, but neither of those comments were particularly noteworthy.) God she really needed me to know she thinks I’m a sociopath. I’m pretty sure she had posted something to that effect a few times on her blog already. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.)
87. “You still suck 😂😂😂” (15th tumblr account)
Another tumblr account created to comment on a blog post of mine. What a waste of time and energy. She must have had a lot of time on her hands.
88. “You are 100% safe. And dramatic.” (18th tumblr account)
Another comment on a blog post I wrote about what was going on with her. I said that her behavior was becoming erratic, and it was growing more and more unnerving. That doesn’t necessarily mean I assumed she would physically harm me, I think she just said that to cover her ass. Oh the irony in her calling me dramatic, considering all this trouble she was going to in order to stalk and harass me.
89. Tumblr accounts 19, 20, and 21 (as well as phone numbers 13 and 14), were created to incessantly ask me how one of my friends got her blog. I don’t know, but the fact is that Mandy’s blog, like mine, was public. Anyone could have read it. And I find it irritating and offensive that she didn’t have a problem going through my PRIVATE social media, but then got upset that one of my friends was reading her PUBLIC blog.
90. “Maybe I took this a little too far.” (22st tumblr account)
Gee, ya think? But she clearly didn’t mean it anyway, as her harassment continued. (She also sent this message to me via text, just to make sure I saw it.) Probably just another tactic to try to get me to forgive and/or talk to her. There were a lot of those.
91. “If you’re gonna cry abuse at least explain yourself. How do you think ending the relationship helped me. Better to respond.” (23rd tumblr account)
Three very different sentences in a row. I don’t owe her an explanation, especially since she’s the abusive party. I told her in the letter, I knew I was only keeping her around to take my anger out on her, which was not fair to her and not the kind of person I want to be. PLUS as I kept saying, there were other reasons I ended the friendship. And “better to respond” reads like a threat.
92. “Are you hiding behind your boyfriend because you’re scared of me?” (24th tumblr account)
The answer is no. I’m not scared of Mandy. And I wasn’t hiding behind anyone. I knew answering her calls would not look good for my court case, and Zach said he wanted to answer the phone for his own reasons, rather than just let them go to voicemail, which I won’t disclose here.
93. “This is your fault.” (25th tumblr account)
This was a message I received in conjunction with a tumblr post she made around that same time. I’ll address it fully in the “Tumblr Posts” section. But I will say this is language she had used with me before in reference to self-harm. It’s manipulative and evil.
94. “I just wanted to say that the door is always open for a conversation if you want one. I have understood some of the things you and your ex have said, and I’d like to hear you out, but that’s up to you.” (26th tumblr account)
I literally cannot believe she actually thought this is something I would ever want after all of this. I don’t care if she understood some of the things Zach and I expressed to her. As I said, these were things I’d explained many times, both in the past, as well as in the letter, AND in several of the messages I’d sent in response to the harassment early on. I was more than clear, and if she didn’t understand at that point, that was not on me.
95. “I don’t get it.....you have so much you want to say but won’t. Are you scared or something?” (27th tumblr account)
I’m not sure why she was trying to get me to say I was scared of her, as she asked more than once. No, I wasn’t scared of her. Yes, I had a lot of things I wanted to say (duh, read this fucking post). But I wouldn’t say it. Why? BECAUSE I DID NOT WANT TO TALK TO HER. Which I told her. Many times. And despite having a lot to say, my intense desire to never speak to her again overrode that.
96. “Rest In Peace fucker.” (28th tumblr account)
She created this account just to comment that on a post I wrote about my grandfather. I don’t think I need to say more than that.
97. “Hey not trying to talk to you but you can’t go around saying ‘this stalker will be dealt with’ that is a THREAT. I am interpreting that as potential violence against me.” (30th tumblr account)
I rolled my eyes at this. Another pathetic attempt to get me to talk to her. She probably thought I would message her like, “no it’s not a threat.” But I didn’t need to do that. It’s not a threat. The phrase “dealt with” has many connotations, most of which are not violent. She can interpret my words however she wants, that doesn’t make it true (or true under the law). Also, it technically wasn’t a threat, as I was already going through the legal proceedings I was referring to. My comment was not any more of a threat than some of the things she had written to me. In fact, I would say it was less of a threat. And if she was not trying to talk to me, she could have just posted about it on her blog (which she did).
I’ll also add that by sending me this as well as posting about it, she inadvertently acknowledged that she was, in fact, stalking me. Had a good laugh about that.
98. “I really do care about you, I wish you’d believe me.” (31st tumblr account)
Yeah, no. I don’t believe her. Look at what she did. Look at what she said. These are not the actions of a caring person.
These were all the tumblr accounts she created to message me from (as well as a few comments), totaling at 32. I’m also counting the accounts she created to try and “stealthily” follow me. (The ones I found, anyway.) Onto the next section!
I’m calling this section “Miscellaneous” because I’m lumping in some instagram comments Mandy wrote to me, an instagram comment she wrote to “Trisha,” a text she wrote to Trisha, and a couple of things she wrote to Zach. There just aren’t enough in each category for them each to have their own section, so I threw them all together. I won’t be including any other instagram comments, as some of them are fatuous and trivial, and some of the ones directed towards Trisha are exceedingly personal (and racist), and therefore I won’t share them. (I immensely regret that I revealed some of Trisha’s personal information to Mandy in the past. I swear none of it was out of malice. I either shared these things out of concern for Trisha, or simply because they were heavy subjects, and I felt the need to talk about it with someone I trusted. And I clearly trusted the wrong person. In addition to everything else, the fact that Mandy could so readily betray that trust says a lot about her true colors. Luckily, Trisha was very understanding of this, and forgave me.) I’m also placing this section before the “Tumblr Posts” section, because this section is small (comparatively anyway), and the “Tumblr Posts” section is the longest of all, so I thought it was best saved for last.
1. “Your mother should’ve had an abortion.”
This was Mandy’s first text message to Zach. This wasn’t even her first time using this line. Back in the day, when she was harassing me and Trisha on askfm, this was a “put-down” she would frequently wield. And I just gotta say, I really don’t understand why she thought it was so damaging. Like, yeah, and? That’s just your opinion, man. Cool. This just isn’t the insult she thinks it is. Zach just rolled his eyes.
2. I won’t quote the exact text, but Mandy randomly texted Zach to ask him if we were moving back in together. She found out his old house was on the market, and, thinking she was oh so smart, decided that must mean Zach was moving out, and therefore might be moving in with me. So firstly, what Mandy didn’t know was that Zach had not lived in that house for a year by then. He moved long before the house went on the market, and no longer even lives in that area. Not quite the detective she thought she was. But more importantly, she used this piece of information as a way to ask Zach about my living situation. Completely out of the blue. Probably to figure out if I lived alone or not. Creepy.
3. Rather than try to break this Instagram comment exchange up into small pieces, I’ll just include the whole thread, and respond where I feel I need to. (1st fake instagram account)
Mandy: bad person
Me: one person’s opinion. I have plenty of others that say otherwise. Keep ‘em comin 😘
Mandy: Plenty of idiots, you mean.
---> This made me laugh. Sounds like something a child would say.
Me: hmmmm 1 intellectual and at least 20 idiots...I don’t think the odds are in your favor doll.
---> I probably should have put “intellectual” and “idiots” in quotes, but Mandy knew what I meant.
Mandy: don’t gotta have the odds in my favor, someday everyone else will see the truth. Hopefully sooner than late, for their sake.
Me: okay. Well while you’re over there obsessing over me, I’ll be over here living my best life. ❤️
Mandy: until your next suicide attempt Lmaoooo
---> What kind of person says something like this? This is the kind of bullshit you see in those videos high schools play to warn students of the dangers of cyberbullying. I genuinely cannot believe there are people in this world who feel comfortable saying things like this to others, even on the internet.
Me: even if I died you’ll still be obsessed with me. It’s honestly cute that you think you’re getting to me. 👏🏻
Mandy: at least the world would be a better place. Can’t get to someone without feelings or a soul.
---> Interesting that Mandy still hadn’t denied that she was obsessed with me...Just saying.
Me: yup. You got me. I’m a soulless monster. Rawr! 🦖
---> Yeah, I think I’m pretty fucking funny. Why do you ask?
Mandy: worse than your “abuser” for sure
---> By this point, Mandy had made several blog posts accusing me of lying about being abused. (See “Tumblr Posts” section.) She only brought it up on instagram once, but the sentiment and intention were the same. It was still triggering, though this particular comment slightly less so, as it was more subtle.
Me: Oh no ouch you got me lol. Don’t even have the balls to say it to my face. Hiding behind a computer screen. I’m done with this interaction, it’s boring. You have fun though!
4. “Oh look it’s the (redacted) and the make believe godmother who’s actually Jewish.” (2nd fake instagram account)
I redacted the first part because it reveals personal information about a friend of mine. I wanted to address the second part though, because it was directed at me. It is true that in Judaism, there are no “godparents.” (Which Mandy only knows because I told her.) However, Jews absolutely have a concept of next of kin, and we, like anyone else, can develop close bonds with our parents’ friends or other family members. And really, when you think about it, isn’t a godmother just a combination of those two things? Next of kin and an adult who is not your parent that you’re extremely close with? So, no, we don’t use the word “godparent,” as it has religious (specifically Christian) connotations. But it’s all just a technicality.
5 “Are you wearing blue contacts to pretend you’re white?”
A text message Mandy sent to Trisha because she posted a few photos of herself wearing gray contact lenses. No real response here, just disgusted at the unabashed racism. And this is one of the tamer comments.
6. I won’t share the entire exchange for this next one, because some of it involves personal information about Trisha. I will, however, address the comments of note. (4th fake instagram account)
Mandy: You’re clearly scared. Don’t whine about how I’m causing “emotional distress” and then act all cool on social media.
---> So first of all, I wasn’t scared. Though, her assertion that I was only proves intent to harm, as she believed I was scared and continued anyway. Second, dialectics are a thing. She absolutely was causing me emotional distress. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t simultaneously find her desperation to hurt me amusing and pathetic. Also, I don’t need to “act all cool.” It’s not an act, baby. 😎🤪
Me: hahahahaha you have no idea how not scared I am. I have been nothing but honest on social media. This is disrupting my life. I am constantly in a state of fight or flight. I have high blood pressure and an aneurysm. This is literally affecting my health.
---> The first sentence was in reference to the legal action I was pursuing, which Mandy did not know about at that time. The following was essentially what I said above: dialectics.
Mandy: I don’t believe anything you say, but ok.
---> She does’t need to. I have medical records that prove it.
Mandy: this didn’t all have to happen. You could’ve prevented it.
---> Abusive, blaming language. It’s MY fault she’s stalking and harassing me.
Me: how exactly? Bowing to your whim?
Mandy: you could’ve handled everything correctly. Literally. All you had to do was handle everything differently and none of this would’ve happened.
Me: At least now you’re posting everything where everyone can see what a creep you are.
Mandy: until you delete this like everything else 😂 not the word I’d use but ok
Me: “correct” by your definition. And I’m sure you wouldn’t use that word. This is normal to you you sick fuck. I’m not deleting them, I’m blocking the accounts. But you keep creating new ones. You ever gonna stop my guy?
Mandy: it’s actually kind of sad. Had you handled things differently we could’ve been civil
---> Soooo...is that a no then? And we’re back to the blaming language. What a shame that I did not do exactly what Mandy wanted, or else I would not be subjected to this grotesque behavior. Not to mention, I didn’t want civility. Mandy wanted civility. I wanted nothing. As I said to Mandy in my last comment on this thread, it was legitimately horrifying that Mandy felt this behavior was justifiable in any way.
7. Another exchange from the same fake instagram account. (4th)
Mandy: You’re not a godmother. You’ll never be a godmother. You and “lexi” are nothing to each other.
Me: you do realize that godmother is just a title right? Even in Judaism we have a concept of next of kin, we just don’t call it that.
Mandy: You are still not a real, true legal Godmother. You never were and you never will be. She is a legal stranger.
---> I’ve already addressed this in brief. For some bizzaro reason, Mandy has always had this strange obsession with who I refer to as my family. As I said earlier, I think part of it is because Mandy hates her own family and has no chosen family to replace it. Zach pointed out to me that he thinks Mandy has always been jealous that she was not included as part of my family. Plausible.
--->Lexi and I are not nothing to each other. I’ve literally known her her entire life. (Well, from the age of 1 week on, excUse me.) I helped raise her. I feel very strongly that Lexi sees me as a parental figure (though obviously not on par with her mother, and I would never claim otherwise), and that I have helped shape her values and beliefs, and will continue to do so. I have no doubt that Trisha feels the same way. Lexi and I have a strong bond. I love her, I would do anything for her. And while it’s true that Lexi and I are “legal strangers,” to say that we are nothing to each other is blatantly false. And on that note, I genuinely do not understand this concept. If it waddles like a duck, and it quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck, right? I am Lexi’s godmother. That is the role I play in her life. She calls me “Godma,” and has been doing so since she started speaking. That’s who she knows me as. So, what, because there’s no official document, I’m not actually a godmother? Despite the fact that I fulfill literally every other aspect of that role? Stupid. As for I never will be, that’s not true. But that’s something Trisha and I are discussing in private.
Mandy: k? What are you, two?
Me: coming from you? 😂
Mandy: at least I can communicate more effectively than using “k”
---> Like I said, yeah I think I’m pretty fucking funny.
---> Also, as my friends and followers know, I am quite the effective communicator. Mandy...less so.
8. In a heated exchange between Mandy and Trisha (one of many), Mandy said something I found very interesting.
“I am 100% honest with my child. I don’t lie to her...I love and want my daughter...”
Obviously, I’m leaving out a few chunks, as they relate to Trisha. However, I must admit that between the feelings of outrage, reading what Mandy was writing about Trisha, this one comment made me laugh in incredulity.
(I’m going to be careful about what I say here. I am taking extreme care to not expose Mandy’s name or personal information, unlike Mandy herself, who posted my real name more than once, as well as extremely specific personal information about me. It is never my intention to reveal personal information about people who have not given me their consent to post their real names or information. That’s why I use aliases for all of the people in my life (unless otherwise granted permission), and why I try to keep it vague in terms of personal details. It isn’t my wish to expose Mandy, and that’s not why I’m writing this. As I said, I’m writing this for catharsis, and since this isn’t something I’ll ever get to say to Mandy’s face, I’m including it here. So I’m going to get what I need to out of my system, while still leaving out significant details.)
I find it interesting, that Mandy claims to be 100% honest with her child. I happen to know how Mandy’s child was conceived, and Mandy herself told me that she will never, ever tell her (which is understandable, of course). I know that this was something Mandy was extremely ashamed of, though she has claimed she no longer is, and if that’s the case, good for her. So my response to that is, will Mandy be 100% honest with her child? There is no doubt in my mind that Trisha (to whom Mandy’s comment was directed) will answer any questions Lexi has about her birth, when she’s old enough anyway. I’m not sure Mandy can say the same. Same thing about her daughter’s current living situation. I have no idea how honest Mandy is with her daughter in terms of why she lives where she does, but I would be surprised if she was.
Mandy also wrote “I love and want my daughter.” And while there is no doubt in my mind that Mandy loves her daughter, she did not always want her daughter. Being against abortion at the time of her pregnancy, Mandy wanted to give the baby up for adoption, but was pressured into keeping her child by her family members. For three years, Mandy STILL contemplated adoption. She hemmed and hawed and went back and forth, and only after her child turned three, did Mandy decide not to pursue adoption. And it wasn’t because she realized she wanted to be a mom. It’s because her daughter was three, and had already bonded to Mandy and the rest of her family, and Mandy felt it would be cruel (as well as ruin Mandy’s relationships with her own family members) to rip her daughter away then. Mandy did not want to be a mother. I’m pretty sure she still doesn’t. She is not a full time mother, and her child is being raised by someone else. Trisha, who Mandy can bash all she wants, IS a full time mother, and a damn good one. That woman puts so much love and effort into raising her daughter, and it pays off. Lexi is the sweetest, kindest little girl I have ever met. Meanwhile, Trisha also works full time, and is able to be in a loving relationship at the same time.
I say none of this with malice, truly. Not everyone wants to be a mother, or should be a mother, and that’s fine. And for the record, I don’t see anything wrong with Mandy’s daughter’s living situation. I’ve never judged Mandy for that, and still never would. I also don’t judge Mandy for her feelings about motherhood, or the struggle she went through during and after her pregnancy. I don’t judge her for how her daughter was conceived either. I’m just not that person, and the people in my life know me better than that. I only bring all this up in service to Mandy’s comment to Trisha, because I find it extremely hypocritical that someone in Mandy’s position would criticize Trisha’s parenting. I find it extremely hypocritcal that Mandy claims she is 100% honest with her daughter, when the truth is there are plenty of things Mandy probably will never (and let’s be honest, should never) tell her daughter.
9. A comment under my instagram post for Trans-Visibility Day.
“You’re not trans you’re non-binary....not that same thing. Your hashtags are terrible.”
There’s actually a decent amount to unpack here. Let’s do it. So first of all, technically no, trans and nonbinary are not exactly the same thing. However, while transgender is often associated with people who transition from one gender to another (ie. FTM or MTF), transgender is actually an umbrella term. Transgender = someone whose gender identity and gender they were assigned at birth do not match. That’s literally it. There’s no other requirement. A lot of different identities fall under the trans umbrella, as it were. And that includes nonbinary. Does every nonbinary person identify as trans? No, but many do. I, myself, am not sure where I fall on this matter. Sometimes I feel comfortable calling myself trans, sometimes I do not. But regardless, telling someone how they should identify, such as, say, “you’re not trans you’re non-binary,” is transphobic, ignorant, and just plain rude. As for my hashtags being “terrible,” I’m assuming this was because I used hashtags like “trans,” “transgender,” “transvisibility,” etc. And I just gotta say, even if you wanted to make the argument that I’m not trans (which we’ve established is fucked up), the hashtags were still appropriate as it was Trans-Visibility Day, and I wanted to do my part to uplift my trans siblings. There were plenty of cis-people making posts with those same or similar hashtags. I would also just make the argument that commenting negative things on someone’s post regarding their gender or sexual identity is pretty heinous on its own. Especially on a day meant for visibility.
Mandy later claimed that this one, specific instagram comment was not her. It’s entirely possible, and if that is true, I know exactly who it was. Still, if it was this other person, he only felt it was an appropriate action to take because of all Mandy had done, and thus I still blame her for it. I would also still feel contempt towards Mandy over it, even if it was her friend making the comment, because that means Mandy is okay being friends with transphobic people. Either way, I still think there’s a good chance it was her anyway, and she’s trying to save her own ass from looking like a racist AND a transphobe. Guess I’ll never know. And even if it’s true, and it wasn’t her, it’s like, okay, one comment wasn’t Mandy. Congrats. Literally ever single other post and exchange was almost certainly her so...does it really make that big of a difference?
These few bullet points are all I’ll be including in this section. As I said, a lot of it got extremely personal (especially in the case of Trisha, whom Mandy has some weird [racist] vendetta against). There were also a handful of comments in which Mandy shared things I felt about others which I had told her in confidence, most likely in an attempt to ruin my relationships with them. Thankfully, none of those comments worked, as they were mostly things I said a long time ago. I think my friends were more disgusted than anything, that someone was going so far out of their way to try and disrupt my friendships. On a positive note, I’m really lucky for my friends, including the ones Mandy tried to isolate me from. I received a lot of emotional support during this time, and I don’t know what I would have done without it.
Addendum: Mandy’s tumblr was PUBLIC at the time she made these posts. Everything she posted during this time was PUBLIC, for anyone and everyone to see. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with me repeating what she posted during this time, especially since I’m not sharing her real name or url, only the literal posts written on her then PUBLIC blog. I am also not sharing any personal information about Mandy, despite the fact that she clearly felt no guilt or shame in sharing very detailed, personal information about me, because I refuse to be that kind of person. I’ll only be addressing posts about me, or about things relevant to me and this situation. I’ll be skipping posts that I feel are too personal, are outright lies, are just stupid song lyrics, or have to do with Mandy’s location.
1. “I bet Sean never even abused you.”
I believe this is the first post Mandy made after everything went down. It was obviously meant to trigger me, and it worked. This might be the first thing Mandy said that actually stung.
2. “I have more than enough medication to kill me and it’d be all my ex friends fault.”
Manipulative, but not unfamiliar. Way back in the “Texts” section, Mandy claimed she never used suicidal ideation as a manipulation tactic. As you can see, that was not the case. In fact, this wasn’t even the first time during our four year friendship, not by a long shot. And, as you’ll soon see, it was not the last. I’m sure she meant to scare me and/or make me feel guilty, should she attempt something. (Which she did later.)
3. “You are a monster. Incapable of love. You wouldn’t know anything about abuse because no one has ever done it to.”
Another intentionally triggering post. I cared far less about her calling me a monster who is incapable of love. If it’s easier for her to call me a loveless monster than for her to accept her own villainy, fine. The thing that pissed me off the most, other than the obvious dismissal of the abuse I endured with Sean, was that, by saying I’d never experienced abuse, she was actually gaslighting me about the very abuse she was putting me through during this whole ordeal.
4. “So the other day ‘Addison’ decided to cut me off. Despite that she’s giving someone totally undeserving another chance, someone who doesn’t even deserve the barely functioning kidneys they possess. I feel that if she’s giving someone else a chance, she owes me one too. Especially because this person has done worse than I ever have. However, it’s Addisons’s ‘life’ and they have a right to make poor choices. I have been good to her for the most part, in recent years anyway. They sent me a lengthy message and didn’t even give me a chance to respond, before blocking me. Just plain wrong. I honestly wish they would’ve just blocked me without saying anything. Anyway, I gave them a piece of my mind, probably hurt the fragile drama queen’s feelings, and handled things the way Addison deserves. I am contemplating suicide just to get back at them. It would be 100% their fault. Meanwhile I hope their next attempt is successful and wish their last one was too. A piece of human garbage would be gone for over a year now, and we’d all be better off.”
Wow. A lot to unpack here. I’m going to attempt to address this in some semblance of order.
“So the other day ‘Addison’ decided to cut me off. Despite that she’s giving someone totally undeserving another chance, someone who doesn’t even deserve the barely functioning kidneys they possess. I feel that if she’s giving someone else a chance, she owes me one too. Especially because this person has done worse than I ever have.”
The “undeserving” person Mandy is referring to is Trisha, my goddaughter’s mother (who happens to have kidney problems), and all I will say about the end of that friendship was that Trisha made the decision to take Lexi away from me, gravely wounding both Lexi and myself. She also said some terrible things to me, and made a half-hearted attempt to make me feel guilty over something. The end of our friendship was explosive. This being said, I DO believe Trisha is deserving of another chance, and here’s why: She changed, and I’ve witnessed it. We went for zero contact for a long time. When she finally did reach out to me, I made it clear Lexi was the only person I was interested in having a relationship with, and Trisha respected that. She gave me a wide berth, never said or did anything that might even seem like a nudge, and waited until I approached her and told her my feelings had begun to change. We then spent several months feeling things out and slowly beginning to find some sort of comfort and normalcy with each other. Mandy did none of these things. Mandy only ever pushed and prodded and rushed. Mandy was never able to respect my boundaries, which is a big thing for me after my abusive relationship(s). And Mandy never really changed. I gave her three fucking chances and each time she only proved that the “old” her was still lurking under the surface (especially after all this. Whew). Meanwhile, Trisha is on her second chance, and after only about six months, I can see, really see, how much work she’s done and how much she’s grown. I’m so proud of her.
I also think the comment made about Trisha’s kidneys was really fucked, but that goes without saying. What makes it funny is that this phrase, like many other comments she wrote during this time, was something Mandy frequently repeated, only proving she was obsessively hoping for Trisha and/or me to see it. As I said previously, despite feeling hurt, angry, anxious, and sometimes triggered, I found Mandy’s desperation to hurt us hilarious.
The whole “if you’re giving someone a chance you owe me one too” thing is a common thread with Mandy. In fact, “owe,” “deserve,” “entitled to,” “obligation,” and other, similar words and sentiments, are extremely overused in Mandy’s vocabulary. No, I don’t “owe” anyone a chance. Every person and every circumstance is different. As an autonomous person with my own opinions, thoughts, feelings, and um, oh yeah, free fucking will, it is up to me to decide whom I give chances to. You can disagree, you can think I’m wrong, you can be offended, but you can’t try to force me to do what you want because you want it. But as I always say, Mandy is entitled to feel how she wants. I just think the fact that everything comes back to what she’s “owed,” and what she wants is worth noting. (See Narcissistic Personality Disorder)
“However, it’s Addisons’s ‘life’ and they have a right to make poor choices.”
Not sure why “life” is in quotes. I assume she thinks I don’t have one? My life is fine. Either way, I wouldn’t say cutting Mandy off was a poor choice. Would you?
“I have been good to her for the most part, in recent years anyway.”
I addressed this earlier on in the post. While Mandy was kind and supportive, I would not say she was “good to me” over recent years. (Nor would I say she was good to me for the most part in general.) She showcased old behaviors over and over and over that proved to me that whatever changes she had made had only scratched the surface. (Little did I know.) But for the millionth time, her current behavior was not the main reason I ended the friendship. Everything that had happened before was just too much for me to move on from, especially considering the minimal amount of growth, which I was often reminded of due to constantly having to call Mandy out for said vestigial behaviors. But again, even if you disagree with why someone chooses to end their relationship with you, it’s just not your call to make.
“They sent me a lengthy message and didn’t even give me a chance to respond, before blocking me. Just plain wrong. I honestly wish they would’ve just blocked me without saying anything.”
I took time out of my day to write and send that “lengthy message” in good faith. I figured she at least deserved to understand the reasons why I felt like we couldn’t be friends. But, it was me ending the friendship. There was not going to be a conversation about it, because I didn’t want there to be. I’ve had people end relationships with me like that, and yeah, it sucks, and it hurts, and I might disagree, or even get angry, but I don’t then turn around and stalk and harass them and spread shit about them on the internet. When one person wants out of a relationship, they leave. They may decide to have a conversation about why that is, but they’re not obligated to do so. And I knew that if I didn’t block her immediately, she would attempt to drag me back into the friendship, as she had every single time in the past. Though, I guess that happened anyway. I didn’t anticipate this, because I thought the changes Mandy had made were real. I was just trying to rip the bandaid off while still giving Mandy the courtesy of understanding why.
And despite her saying otherwise, I’m convinced that had I done what Mandy claimed she would have preferred, and just ghosted her, this same bullshit would have happened. She still would have thrown a tantrum over it, she still would have blown up my phone, she still would have stalked and harassed me. As long as I wanted out and she wanted in, this was inevitable.
“Anyway, I gave them a piece of my mind, probably hurt the fragile drama queen’s feelings, and handled things the way Addison deserves.”
I found the comment about me being a “fragile drama queen” quite ironic. After all, I wasn’t the one stalking and harassing someone because they simply didn’t want to be friends anymore. But go off I guess. As for handling things how I deserve, I’m assuming Mandy was referring to the random heinous things she said about my mother and goddaughter (see “Texts” section), her intentionally triggering me, her calling me non-stop, the tumblr posts she wrote before this one, etc. If she thinks I deserved all of that because I tried to respectfully and peacefully walk away from our friendship, well that says more about her than it does about me.
I also really really wanted to say, “I hope she doesn’t give me a piece of her mind! There’s barely any left!”
“I am contemplating suicide just to get back at them. It would be 100% their fault.”
Another attempt at manipulation using suicidal ideation! And so soon! Didn’t she claim she never did that? (See “Texts” section.) She didn’t even try to hide it or be subtle about it. Just, yeah I’m thinking of killing myself to get back at them. Jesus. And to that point, if someone attempts suicide expressly to “get back” at someone, then it is decidedly not the second person’s fault. Like, it’s right there in writing.
“Meanwhile I hope their next attempt is successful and wish their last one was too. A piece of human garbage would be gone for over a year now, and we’d all be better off.”
Lovely. What an evil thing to say about someone. I’ve been doing really well over the last year, so hopefully there won’t be a next suicide attempt. And if Mandy really does wish my last suicide attempt was successful, well, there’s not much to say there, except that she straight up said she wished I had succeeded in killing myself so...that’s the kind of person Mandy is I guess.
5. “I am having a hard time with Addison cutting me out (unfairly), and an even harder time processing the fact that they never loved or cared for me. They wouldn’t have if they did. They’d never cut someone they love out. I don’t think they’re capable of love. Not even their make believe goddaughter.”
Yeah I mean, having a mental breakdown and stalking someone is definitely an example of “having a hard time.” I don’t think I cut Mandy out unfairly, considering the numerous chances I gave her, as well as the numerous reasons I gave her as to why I was cutting her out. But even if Mandy felt it was unfair, as is her right, that did not give her the right to do any of this in retaliation. I said it before and I’ll say it again, it’s easier for Mandy to believe someone never really loved her than it is for her to believe that they did love her once but stopped because of her own behavior. Sad, really. And she’ll never learn or grow if she continues to cling to that ideology. But that’s her prerogative. As for the idea that I wouldn’t have cut her out if I did love her, simply untrue. I have absolutely had to cut people out that I love for my own mental and emotional safety, including my best friend of two decades, including my own uncle. And of course I love my goddaughter. I helped raise her. I’d do anything for her. And Mandy’s obsession with who is and isn’t “actually” my family stopped being annoying ages ago. I just think it’s funny.
6. “Addison is lucky I’m such a good person. Seriously.”
This one had me cracking up. Are these the actions of a good person? I can only imagine this was some sort of veiled threat, or that she was alluding to people possibly asking for my social media and she wouldn’t give it out because she’s “such a good person.” If the latter is the case, it was complete garbage considering only a week or so later, Mandy started posting personal information I’d trusted her with.
7. “I know this isn’t the kind of person I want to be. Nor is it what I stand for at my core. But, I’m hurting and don’t want to be the only one suffering. Especially because the person who hurt me couldn’t care less that they did so.”
Actions speak louder than words. A person can say all they want that this isn’t the kind of person they want to be, or that they don’t stand for something deep down, but if their actions say otherwise, it might be time to reexamine those statements. Especially considering that, rather than change her behavior, Mandy’s verbal assault continued for another couple of weeks. That second statement though, it reads like a child throwing a temper tantrum. She’s hurt so she’s going to stomp her feet and try her very best to cause me pain because she wants me to be hurting too? That’s sick. That’s psychopathic. That’s juvenile - the actions of child, not someone in their late twenties. And I did care that I hurt her. Initially. I said so in the letter. I said I knew this was probably painful and I was sorry. It was also literally part of the reason I ended the friendship, because I knew I was hurting her. I apologized at least twice in that letter. But after all this, I definitely stopped caring. I’m not even ashamed of that. I’m sure most people would empathize with me on that one.
8. “It’s just not fair. Despite everything that’s happened, I have love for Addison. I always will. She can believe that or not, that’s fine. But I don’t think I was treated fairly. I was mistreated. She had no right to cut me out of her life. If you care about someone, you suck it up and deal with it, period. And to blame me for having a kid with her ex. You knew that when you met me. You don’t get to go back on that now. But it was all fake. The whole friendship. Four years. She never loved or cared about me. You don’t drop people you love. So I wonder what her real motive was then, to give me chances? Did she just enjoy yelling at me the whole time like she said? Was I just an outlet for her instead of a friend? My friends have all asked if I have regrets on how I handled the situation. The answer’s complicated. Maybe I’ll make a separate post on that some time...”
Another chunky post. Let’s break it up into palatable pieces.
“It’s just not fair. Despite everything that’s happened, I have love for Addison. I always will. She can believe that or not, that’s fine.”
She can say she has love for me all she likes, these are not the actions of a loving person. Regardless, Mandy’s feelings for me have no bearing on the “fairness” of the circumstances.
“But I don’t think I was treated fairly. I was mistreated.”
She was treated more than fairly. I gave her three fucking chances, tried to gently nudge her, encouraged her progress, and did my best to be there for her when I knew she was dealing with something (like surgery or a tricky romantic situation) despite the fact that she was supposed to be on probation. I was the one who was mistreated, for almost that entire friendship, but especially during the time when she posted this. And the fact that she could turn around and make herself the victim after what she was putting me through is...yeah.
“She had no right to cut me out of her life.”
I had no right to cut her out of my life? See how we’re back to entitlement? I keep using the word autonomy, because it’s the perfect word for what I’m trying to communicate. I’m an autonomous person, and therefore I have the “right” to cut out whoever I damn well please, whether my reasoning is sound or not. Though I would make the argument that it was very sound in this case.
“If you care about someone, you suck it up and deal with it, period.”
I put this one sentence in bold because it’s porobably the most disturbing thing Mandy wrote on her blog during this period of time. It said everything I needed to know about her as a person, and confirmed everything I already suspected of her. I don’t feel the need to explain it more. It speaks for itself.
“And to blame me for having a kid with her ex. You knew that when you met me. You don’t get to go back on that now.”
I didn’t blame her for having a kid with my abuser. You know how I know that? I wrote it in the fucking letter. I literally said “I don’t fault you for that.” Literally, that’s a direct quote. I wrote that even though I didn’t fault her for that, it was still affecting me negatively, and I didn’t want to have any connection to him at all, especially as I was currently dealing with some trauma flare ups. A smaller reason for ending the friendship, but still a valid one. When we became friends, it didn’t bother me, and due to unforeseen circumstances, that changed. But honestly, even if none of that was the case, I could absolutely go back on it. I am allowed to change my mind. But the part of this little section here that pissed me off the most was the fact that she tried to twist my words into something I straight up never said.
“But it was all fake. The whole friendship. Four years. She never loved or cared about me.”
I’m getting tired of repeating the whole “yes I did love her and she ruined it but she’d rather think I never loved her” thing. I just keep repeating it because, like I said in the beginning, I know this post is so fucking long, and if anyone does decide to read it, they’ll probably skip around. But yeah, obviously I did love her at one point. The friendship was most certainly not fake, or I would have left a long time ago.
“You don’t drop people you love.”
Again, I absolutely have dropped people I love, and I know I’m not the only one. If someone is abusive, toxic, unhealthy, or chronically harming you in any way, you have to put yourself first and leave, no matter what your relationship is to them. You don’t “suck it up and deal with it, period.” *shudders*
“So I wonder what her real motive was then, to give me chances?”
My only “motive” in giving her chances was that I truly believed she was a good person capable of change, and if there was any way to get that initial four months of friendship back, where everything was really great, I wanted that. And I want to make that clear: Our friendship was great for about four months, and I spent THREE YEARS trying to recapture that. So I don’t want to hear jack shit about me not caring about her.
"Did she just enjoy yelling at me the whole time like she said?”
More twisting of my words. I never said I enjoyed yelling at her the whole time. I said I realized that, only over the past few months, I was only staying in the friendship to take my anger out on her, which was fucked up and not who I want to be, which was part of why (PART of why) I ended the friendship. But it’s definitely not how I felt for the majority of our friendship. (Side note, if you need to twist someone’s words to make yourself look like the victim, you’re not the victim.)
“Was I just an outlet for her instead of a friend?”
She wasn’t an outlet for me, simply because I never trusted her that way. Yes, I told her some personal things (which I very much regret), and there may have been one or two times I went to her with genuine emotions, but for the most part, I just never felt like I could be fully open with her in that way. Her pushing me and pressuring me and whining about how I wasn’t fully vulnerable definitely didn’t help either.
“My friends have all asked if I have regrets on how I handled the situation. The answer’s complicated. Maybe I’ll make a separate post on that some time.”
If you stalk and harass someone for trying to end a relationship with you, and you don’t feel anything other than, “holy shit I can’t believe I did all that, I need to seriously reevaluate what kind of person I am and what kind of person I want to be,” you need help.
9. “When you’re keeping people up all night. lmao”
In response to me posting that I had pulled an all nighter with Zach because I was too anxious to sleep. Super gross that she was proud of that. What she didn’t know was that, while I was too anxious to sleep, I used that time to go through all the evidence I had at that point, labelling and organizing it for court.
10. “Funny thing is, almost everything I’ve said and done goes 100% against my actual moral code and beliefs. But I’m willing to break that when angry, I suppose.”
As I said before, actions speak louder than words. If your actions don’t back up your words, your words mean shit. And if you’re willing to break your moral code when you’re angry, it’s not much of a moral code. And the fact that Mandy’s alleged moral code is so brittle suggests something dark lies under the surface. (But we been knew.)
11. “How could Addison do me so wrong? I will never, ever forgive that lady. I just wish she would apologize for hurting me.”
And that’s fine, she can not forgive me. I had stopped caring by that point. The thing that stood out to me was her use of he word “lady,” which sounds kind of forced in that sentenced, doesn’t it? I believe Mandy threw that word in on purpose, because she knows I don’t like to be called a lady. It feels dysphoric to me, and only one person is allowed to call me that. To the second point, I did apologize to her. I apologized in the letter. And if she honestly thought she deserved another apology after all of this, I mean, wow. Where was my apology?
12. “True life I caused someone to clear out their friends list when I literally warned them I wasn’t using a Facebook to check their stuff, but ok. They deleted a lot of innocent people for nothing 😂”
Not gonna lie, this pissed me off. I still don’t know how she was seeing my facebook. I lost 200 facebook friends over this. My facebook my be private, but I did develop a following on there. Out of all my social media, my facebook is where I have the strongest following. It’s going to take me time to get that back. And just like her being proud of keeping me up all night with anxiety, it’s really sick that she seems to be gloating here.
13. “So today, Addison made a weak attempt at a clapback. She claimed I’m a narcissist, which is fucking funny considering literally everyone else in my life would say otherwise. My loved ones know better. She claimed I don’t love her, and rather, want to control her, also untrue. I do love Addison. I loved my ex, and this still happened. I do love my ex. And I do love Addison, but she’s entitled to her opinions. Apparently the mother of her ‘goddaughter’ sent her screenshots, which I do not buy. My blog is my safe space. I do not want them here, but I’m not gonna block them. If I committed suicide it would be 100% her fault, even my friends have agreed with that. I never said she was a sociopath. I sad she is incapable of love, in of itself, no more, no less. If you love someone, you always will. You don’t stop. Therefore she never loved me. The mother of her ‘goddaughter deserves to have her kidneys fail, I hope they do. I would love to know how she thinks she isn’t hurting me by cutting me out of her life, or how that’s better. Had she kept me on Tumblr at least, and maintained contact of some sort and did the right thing, none of this would’ve happened. It’s entirely Addison’s fault. Addison is trash. They don’t deserve the life they possess. I do love her, but the truth is the truth. I admit where I’m wrong, period. I don’t pretend to be in the right when I am not, I know right from wrong. I don’t want control of Addison, she can believe whatever she wants. And if she doesn’t care about me, she has (more) serious issues she needs to resolve. Her ‘goddaughter’ is not family. There is no paper. No true, legal ties...Has nothing to do with race, has everything to do with legalities and paper. Her ex is also not family, but that’s another story for another day.”
Woof, another block of text. Here we go again. I will say that, considering how disjointed, lurchy, and abrupt her post was, it seems like I touched a nerve.
“So today, Addison made a weak attempt at a clapback. She claimed I’m a narcissist, which is fucking funny considering literally everyone else in my life would say otherwise. My loved ones know better.”
It wasn’t a “clapback.” I didn’t say it in response to anything specifically she had said. I said it as a response to all of her actions up to this point, all of her double-standards and manipulative tactics and how everything comes back to what she wants. I said it wholeheartedly and matter-of-factly, for no other reason than I believe it to be true. I have done extensive research on Narcissistic Personality Disorder (see my abusive ex), and Mandy matches almost every symptom. I didn’t see it before because she hid it well, and I have a bad habit of wanting to see the good in people I care about. But as soon as the mask fell off, I saw all of it, bold and bright. Assuming it’s true that she asked her loved ones and they said it wasn’t true, that means jack. You don’t know someone until you know someone, and just because some of the people in her life may not know that side of her, doesn’t mean it’s not there. “She claimed I don’t love her, and rather, want to control her, also untrue. I do love Addison. I loved my ex, and this still happened. I do love my ex. And I love Addison, but she’s entitled to her opinions.”
I believe that Mandy believes she loves me and her ex, and that makes me sad. This is not love, as I told her. This is control. Her actions aren’t the actions of someone who loves me, her actions are of someone who seeks to control me. “I loved my ex, and this still happened,” is such a dismissive statement. It didn’t just “happen,” Mandy chose the course she chose. And she chose it again when she did it to me. Just because she has BPD doesn’t mean Mandy isn’t in control of her actions, and I say that as someone with BPD as well. I also find it interesting how she kept repeating that she loves me and her ex. I don’t know, it seems like she’s trying to reassure herself more than anything else.
“Apparently the mother of her ‘goddaughter’ sent her screenshots, which I do not buy. My blog is my safe space. I do not want them here, but I’m not gonna block them.”
Mandy doesn’t have to believe that. I don’t care what Mandy does or doesn’t believe. But it doesn’t matter either way, because as I said, Mandy’s blog was PUBLIC, and anyone could have found her or followed her. Also, I find it super ironic that she whined about not wanting Trisha or me reading her blog as it’s her “safe space,” but felt totally fine about breaching my social media after I blocked her numerous times, and then later sharing extremely personal information of mine. Double-standards have always been a big thing with Mandy. I wonder why?
“If I committed suicide it would be 100% her fault, even my friends have agreed with that.”
Even more manipulation using suicidal ideation. And I don’t believe for a second that her friends agreed with that. If they did, then they’re just as fucked up as Mandy.
“I never said she was a sociopath. I said she is incapable of love, in of itself, no more, no less. If you love someone, you always will. You don’t stop. Therefore she never loved me.”
Um, sociopaths are incapable of love. That’s like, the whole thing. If you’re saying someone is incapable of love, you’re calling them a sociopath. (Not that it matters, because she did call me a sociopath later anyway.) And that’s not how love works. You may love some people forever, and some people you may fall out of love with. It all depends. Again, it’s easier for Mandy to believe someone never loved her, than for her to believe they did once and stopped. I guess this waas her weird logic justifying that. (Also it always really fucking bothered me that she would always say “in of itself.” It’s “in AND of itself” holy shit.)
“The mother of her ‘goddaughter’ deserves to have her kidneys fail, I hope they do.”
Cruel, evil, mean-spirited, just awful. And the second time of at least three that she said it. Imagine wishing death on someone just because someone else would rather be friends with them than with you.
“I would love to know how she thinks she isn’t hurting me by cutting me out of her life, or how that’s better.”
Me, me, me, me, me. First of all, I never claimed I wasn’t hurting Mandy by cutting her out. I did say that I was hurting her by keeping her around, but I also knew that cutting her out would hurt her too. (And I said so, in the LETTER.) Now of course, based on the language she used, I knew Mandy’s logic would be, “but then, if I was going to be hurt either way, why not just keep me around?” Because Mandy is only ever aware of or cares about her own feelings. I made the choice I made because it was what’s best for ME. Because continuing a friendship with Mandy would have hurt ME more in the long run than just cutting her off. It’s what I needed. My wants and needs are just as important as anyone else’s, and if I decide a relationship is not good for me, or is hurting me, or is just not something I want, I’m going to fucking end it. But sure, I’ll address Mandy’s side of it. From my perspective, ending my friendship with Mandy would have benefited her in the long term as well. I figured that, either I could continue a relationship with her and continue causing her pain indefinitely, or I could end it, and while it may have hurt in the short term, eventually she would have accepted it and moved on, and I would no longer be actively hurting her. But again, Mandy’s feelings, though they contributed, were not why I ended the friendship. I don’t want to be the kind of person I was behaving like. So I removed myself from a situation where I was being that kind of person. (But AGAIN, that was only one of many reasons I chose to end our friendship.)
“Had she kept me on Tumblr at least, and maintained contact of some sort and did the right thing, none of this would’ve happened. It’s entirely Addison’s fault. Addison is trash. They don’t deserve the life they possess. I do love her, but the truth is the truth.”
Just imagine big, red exclamation marks here. This is the type of thing abusers say. “You just make me so angry.” “If you hadn’t done X, I wouldn’t have done Y.” None of my actions warranted this retaliation. None of them. She even straight up said, “It’s entirely Addison’s fault.” Anyone who has experienced abuse will recognize that language. Gaslighting and blaming aside, we’re back to what Mandy wants, and how what Mandy wants is the only “correct” option. Keeping her on tumblr, maintaining SOME sort of contact, that was the “right” thing to do. Because it was the “right” thing to do FOR MANDY. And then we return to the abusive language. She calls me trash, says I don’t deserve to live, and then immediately goes back claiming she loves me. But even though she loves me, she just had to tell the truth about what garbage I am. You don’t say someone you love doesn’t deserve to live. You just don’t.
“I admit where I’m wrong, period. I don’t pretend to be in the right when I am not, I know right from wrong. I don’t want control of Addison, she can believe whatever she wants.”
Hmmm, I’m not convinced. Thus far, Mandy seemed to feel pretty secure in that she’s wasn’t doing anything wrong here. Or that the wrong she was committing was minimal. Evidence points to the fact that Mandy does not know right from wrong, which is disturbing, considering she’s in her late twenties and not five. She can say she doesn’t want to control me, but her actions spake otherwise. And I’m including the lengths she went to to try and keep me in her life, the controlling and possessive language she used, the times she went through my phone, all the accounts she created to “keep tabs on me...” I could go on.
“And if she doesn’t care about me, she has (more) serious issues she needs to resolve.”
I certainly don’t care about Mandy anymore. And if you’ve made it this far, or already know anything about this situation, I’m sure you can understand why. I think it’s less that I have serious issues to resolve, and more that after someone treats you like this, it’s easy to stop giving a shit about them. If anything, I think Mandy has more serious issues to resolve, as evidenced by...well, all of this.
“Her ‘goddaughter’ is not family. There is no paper. No true, legal ties...Has nothing to do with race, has everything to do with legalities and paper. Her ex is also not family, but that’s another story for another day.”
It’s genuinely sad that Mandy truly believes you have to have legal or biological ties to someone to consider them family. It’s also truly sad how obsessed she is with whom I call my family or not. Family can be biological, and it can be legal, but it doesn’t have to be. Plenty of people cut biological family members off, and no longer consider them family. Plenty of people form familial bonds with people to whom they are not related. There may not yet be a paper for my goddaughter, but there are reasons for that that are personal and are being discussed between her mother and I. But whether I have a paper or not, Lexi is my goddaughter. Period. And I don’t care how loudly, or how often, Mandy bitches about it. Zach is also my family, because he just is. Our friendship has transcended a level of “friendship,” if that makes sense. That also extends to his family, who have told me point blank that they consider me part of their family as well. (Not gonna lie, I teared up a bit when they said that.) I don’t really feel the need to explain or justify it, it just is how it is, and you either get it or you don’t. And if you don’t, it doesn’t matter, because you’re not involved in that relationship, nor any of my other more familial relationships. I don’t know why Mandy is so preoccupied with it. Probably either because her family is so heinous and she has no chosen family to whom she can escape, or because she wishes she were a part of my family. Maybe both. Lastly, while I’m sure Mandy does have a weird thing about family being legal, I absolutely think race is a component, given all of the racism that comes out of Mandy’s mouth.
14. “Words are words. They aren’t shit. They don’t hurt and they certainly don’t define me.”
I don’t know, it kinda seems like the word “narcissist” may have hurt.
15. “I’m never gonna go away.”
Just a plain old admission of stalking. Works for me.
16. “Just for fun, I looked up the symptoms of narcissism, I meet literally one symptom.”
I clearly struck a nerve. And if anyone’s wondering, she meets almost all of them. I won’t go into detail on why, but like I said, I’ve done my research, and I see her reflected in every symptom but one.
17. “Idk if it’ll work but this is Sophie’s fault.”
I alluded to this in the “Tumblr Messages” section. This was language she’d used before, so I knew exactly what this meant, especially since it was accompanied by the tumblr message I got stating “This is your fault.” Clearly a disgusting attempt to manipulate me using suicidal ideation or maybe an attempt. (Remember, Mandy claimed she never did this in the “Texts” section. And I believe this is already the fourth time she’s done it since then.) This was also the first time she used my real name on tumblr, again, a PUBLIC platform. And I know why. I know that she put my real name there so that, if her attempt was successful, my name would be on the internet forever, along with the fact that it was “my fault.” Repugnant. Disgusting. Horrifying.
Of course, I called her local police. Or rather, Zach did. He told me he didn’t want me involved at all. He was trying to keep as much distance between Mandy and me as possible. (Honestly, bless him, he was so unbelievably helpful during this horrible time.) When I was begging him to let me call the cops, I remember he said to me, “Do you really want to be a good person by Mandy’s standards?” And I said, “I don’t give a shit what Mandy thinks of me. I want to be a good person by my standards.” And even though it probably was all bullshit, and she probably wasn’t actually planning to attempt, I’m still glad Zach called the police on my behalf. I will never allow someone to make me feel responsible for their choice to commit suicide, but I could never live with myself if I didn’t at least try to stop them.
18. “My ex friend wouldn’t know anything about abuse. Sean never did. None of the people she named ever did. She’s nothing but a liar.”
Another triggering post. I blame myself for this one, as I had foolishly been honest with her and told her that her saying Sean never abused me was the one thing that really broke me. So of course she doubled down on it. She can say I wasn’t abused all she likes, that doesn’t make it true. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and CPTSD by two licensed professionals. I have flashbacks, nightmares, triggers, etc. I hate that I feel like I need to justify my trauma because all of the abuse I’ve endured has been emotional abuse. And I’m sure Mandy played off that, too. This comment was extremely triggering, not just because of the Sean part, though that was certainly the brunt of it, but also because she brought up other people I had named as abusers in a text I sent to her. (Why did I keep giving her ammo?) That just made it sting even more.
19. “I wish my ex friend’s brother never wasted the police’s time by calling the cops on her and would’ve let her either crash her car or God knows what.”
Very specific and very personal. Sick, twisted, disgusting, evil, vile. (My brother is the one who saved my life that night. If he hadn’t called, I probably would have died.)
20. “She’ll have to forgive me emotionally sooner or later. She can’t stay angry forever.”
In retrospect, I think it’s fucking hilarious that this was the post immediately following the one about wishing my brother hadn’t “wasted the police’s time” when I last attempted suicide. Like, she really thinks I’m ever gonna forgive her? She thinks I can’t stay angry forever? Fucking watch me. Not to mention, if someone was going to forgive you, you make it a lot harder when you keep doing things to piss them off. I mean, that’s just common sense.
21. “There is nothing in this world that can convince me that Addison ever cared about me. I don’t care that she changed her flight, or took care of me while she was drunk, she probably only did it to feel even better about herself.”
Mandy is referring to two different things I did during our friendship. One was when I changed my flight after the worst vacation I’d ever been on. Mandy wasn’t allowed to board the flight for which we were booked, due to her luggage getting fucked up. And even though I wanted to be as far away from her as possible after that trip, I changed my flight for her anyway, because she was oh so terrified of flying. (Spoiler alert, after the first 20 minutes she was literally fine.) The second was one night we were in the city, and we both got pretty trashed, and she had a major depressive episode and started getting suicidal. Since she was way more drunk than me, I assumed the parental role and helped her get home. (These are just two examples. There were plenty of other things I did out of love over the course of our friendship that I won’t elaborate on because they’re personal to Mandy, and not relevant.) And I gotta say, Mandy’s “explanation” is very telling. Normal people don’t think that way. If I didn’t care about Mandy, I would have told her to go fuck herself and to find a different way home after the horrible way she had treated me on our trip. If I didn’t care about Mandy, I would have called her an uber and sent her home that way, instead of hauling my drunk ass (and hers, as I literally had to pull her) all the way to Penn Station to put her on a short train ride. I did those things (and others) because I cared about her. I can promise that no desire to “feel better about myself” could have overrode the exhaustion, irritation, or rage I felt in those circumstances.
22. “Alright I gotta let shit go now.”
Spoiler alert, she didn’t. And I didn’t believe for a second that she actually would.
23. “Stop whining no one cares.” “Let her whine on socials. I still gotta let it go.”
I think the “whining” she was referring to was me posting about what was going on and how it was affecting my life. The fact that she was still reading my PRIVATE facebook suggests to me that she was, in fact, not letting shit go.
24. “I’m not narcissistic you dumb cunt. For a practical Ivy League grad you’re really stupid.”
Man that narcissist comment really pissed her off! I hadn’t even said it again since the first time I said it! For those wondering, I went to NYU, which is not an Ivy League school. In fact, there’s no such thing as a “practical Ivy League” school. The Ivy League has to do with ATHLETICS. It just so happens that those schools are known for academic prowess as well, and so “Ivy League” became synonymous with “the most impressive.” Some of the top schools in the country aren’t Ivy League. I mean, let’s be honest, Cornell ain’t shit. (Please don’t come for me!) It’s all just bullshit, really. But I don’t really give a flying fart about that. Plenty of really idiotic people go to Ivy League schools (which both of my parents can attest to, as they both attended Ivy League universities), and plenty of intelligent people go to state schools or no school at all. I know I’m not stupid, for about a million reasons, but I don’t feel the need to address or defend that. She can think whatever she likes.
25. “I genuinely wanna understand my ex friend’s side of it. I really, really do.”
This honestly just pissed me off. I said this in other sections of this post. I had explained to her so many times how I felt about her behavior over the course of our friendship. I had explained how I felt in the letter I sent her ending the friendship (in exquisite detail, I might add), in the text I sent her while she was stalking me, officially ending my communications with her, as well as in every message in between those two letters. If she was unable to understand my “side of it” by that point, there was nothing more I could do. Not to mention, by the time she wrote this, how could she not understand my “side of it” after all of the stalking and harassment she was doing? It’s just more evidence that Mandy lives in this fantasy world where everything she does is justifiable and excusable.
26. “I’m taking this really hard. I don’t wanna eat, go out, do anything. I am excited for this trip I leave for tomorrow, but I almost don’t wanna go. I miss the way things used to be with Addison, not in recent years, but how they used to be when we were best friends. We used to have such a close, unique friendship and I miss that terribly. I know I messed that up.”
Boo hoo? Sorry, my sympathy ran out when the stalking and harassment started. I would have felt bad if she hadn’t been doing those things, had just accepted the loss gracefully, and was just coping with her feelings. But after all the crap she was putting me through? No. As for how things used to be between us, I said earlier, the friendship she described here lasted about four months. And while it was a really beautiful and unique friendship, it was short lived, and she did mess it up. However, despite seemingly understanding that she messed that up, she still refused to respect my desire to leave our friendship behind, because she’s “made up for that,” and “has gotten better,” and it’s not what SHE wanted. (As a reminder, even if was true that she had gotten better, it doesn’t mean I’m obligated to forgive and forget everything else she put me through. I had many reasons for ending the friendship, but that was the biggest one. I knew I wouldn’t be able to move past everything she had done, and that a real friendship with her wasn’t possible anymore. Not that that matters either honestly. It only takes one person to end a relationship, and it’s their right to do so.)
27. “I just wanna understand from her standpoint, like if part of the concern was hurtng me HOW would them leaving hurt less than them staying?”
I addressed this a few posts up. In Mandy’s mind, her feelings and needs are the only ones that matter. That’s why her reasoning was, “if I’m going to be hurt either way, why wouldn’t Sophie just stay?” She either doesn’t want to, or isn’t capable of taking my feelings and needs into account. The short answer is, I chose to leave because staying was hurting ME, in a multitude of ways. It was no longer a relationship I wanted to have. Period. Also, as I stated previously, my logic was that of short term and long term. Short term, my leaving would hurt her, but she’d be able to move on and let it go, and I wouldn’t be hurting her anymore. Long term, I’d continue being shitty, because of all the anger I felt towards her, and because I didn’t want to be friends with her anymore. I’ve had people abruptly end relationships with me for reasons I didn’t understand or agree with, and while I still love and miss them, I’ve accepted and moved on. (Though, given our history, I wouldn’t call this “abrupt.” I’d call it a long time coming.)
28. “When someone with BPD, bipolar disorder, OCD, ADD, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia, body dysmorphia, and PTSD tries to tell YOU that you’re a narcissist 😂 My therapist sided with her on a lot but not that. Just because you have a laundry list of baggage doesn’t mean I do babe. That’s all you.”
When I talked to my mom about this, she told me, “I don’t understand, you talk about your mental illnesses all the time, why does this bother you?” And I told her that it’s one thing when I choose to talk about my own mental illnesses. It’s quite another when someone else discusses my mental illnesses without my consent, especially in such a disparaging way. It’s violative. (Also, I’m not anorexic, I don’t know where she got that.) Clearly, I upset her with the narcissist thing. I don’t care if her therapist “sides with me” or not on her being a narcissist. I don’t care what her therapist “sides with me” on in general. And my “laundry list of baggage?” Yeah, I’ve got that. But what does that say about Mandy? If anything, I think the fact that I have all of those disorders proves that anyone can grow and change and do the work and be a better person. In fact, I am proud of the fact that I have so many illnesses and have made as much progress as I have. I’ve worked my ass off to be the person I am right now. Mandy only has Borderline (and probably undiagnosed NPD but whatever). So what’s her excuse?
29. “Welp. I’m in tears. Wasn’t expecting that. Even though it took me time to figure out who it was because it came from another number.”
Screenshot of a Text: “I want to be clear. I am only contacting you because (redacted) showed me your posts and do not want to see anyone go through what happened between us. If I have to get involved I will. But you’re not doing this to someone else. You said you let me go because (redacted). Now do the same here. Remember how horribly you felt after everything with us? You have a conscience, a heart, a soul, deep down. You’re gonna feel it again. It’s not too late to make a change. As someone whose life you literally altered forever, I am asking you to stop whatever it is you are doing.”
This was a text Mandy’s ex-girlfriend (whom I will refer to as “Leigh”) allegedly sent her, presumably after becoming alerted to Mandy’s stalking and harassing of me. I don’t know Leigh, but I was honestly touched at the prospect that she might have reached out to her abuser to try and stop her from doing the same things to someone else. I’m not sure how Leigh would have planned to get involved, but as someone who has also tried to move past a life altering, abusive relationship, I was honestly moved. That must have been really hard for her. I wish I could thank her, even for the gesture.
30. “It’s really hard when you hear from the person you want more than anything to believe you’ve made enough changes. Not because you want them in your life, which I don’t, but because you lost so much by losing them, only for them to contact you about a situation that isn’t the most demonstrating of those changes. Ironically, the person I just lost helped me work through a lot of the trauma with this person...Not to mention hearing from this person brought a lot back that I worked through previously. I just don’t wanna hear from them again. Maybe I’ll share the whole conversation later, but right now I’m trying to work through it. I just don’t ever wanna talk to her ever, ever again.”
I think it’s quite telling that, instead of taking in what her ex was telling her, Mandy decided to make it about her feelings, and how hard it was for her to hear from Leigh. Mandy even made how she treated Leigh about her, saying she “lost so much by losing her.” No acknowledgment of how much Leigh lost from being with Mandy, or the significance of the fact that Leigh felt the need to reach out to her despite all of that, because of the actions Mandy was taking against me. And I think saying Leigh contacted Mandy “about a situation that isn’t the most demonstrating of those changes,” is a bit of an understatement. I think Leigh contacted Mandy because this situation was the same situation Mandy put Leigh in, or at least, very similar. I also find it quite telling that Mandy still didn’t back down, even after receiving this text. We’re currently at the 30th bullet point (and keep in mind, I’m skipping some posts), and there’s still SO many more. Wouldn’t you think that, after being confronted by a past victim, a person might reflect on their own actions and stop what they were doing? Especially if they had claimed they had changed? But more on that later.
31. “My ex friend threatened me and I have a screenshot. Took it down real quick but I still got it from someone.”
The “threat” Mandy was referring to was from a facebook post of mine in which I wrote, “She’s kidding herself if she thinks I’m ever letting this go.” Nothing in that sentence even remotely sounds like a threat. I think it was just another tactic to get me to talk to her. She tried the “you’re threatening me” gambit a couple times.
32. “I still cannot believe my ex contacted me. I’m literally traumatized. Hearing about that part of my life is too painful. And I always thought if we ever had another conversation it’d be me apologizing to her for everything I put her through. Not this.”
Not gonna lie, I found this post repugnant. Mandy’s over here bitching and moaning about how traumatizing it was for her to hear from her ex? Meanwhile she’s stalking and harassing me, and putting my personal information up on display? And saying horrible things to my friends? And calling me at every hour of the day? And intentionally triggering me? And making me feel constantly anxious? Are you fucking kidding me? And the whole reason why Leigh supposedly messaged her was literally because of those things. But of course, everything is about Mandy and how Mandy feels. I “deserve” to have her harassing me. But how could she ever deserve to hear from the ex she abused? Like, how dare Leigh trigger her like that and bring back things she had worked through. Hearing about that part of her life? Hello?! She’s “hearing it” from the very person she abused! This honestly left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m assuming it’s venom.
33. “This was the hardest part.”
Screenshot of a Text: “You and (redacted) follow each other on (redacted). That’s how I know. You’re not exactly being subtle. I will never be the same after what’s happened and what you’ve done. You have quite frankly changed me forever. I’m not using my number because I don’t feel safe with you having it, to answer your question. You’re clearly still not stable. I don’t hate you, but clearly you need as much help as you did back in (redacted). You can’t go through life ruining other people’s and thinking it’s okay.”
So right off the bat, this screenshot is why I don’t believe that Mandy kept everything off social media like she had previously claimed. If the place Leigh’s friend and Mandy followed each other was tumblr, Mandy would have had no reason to redact it. But I do know, from Mandy’s own mouth, that she and Leigh’s best friend follow each other on twitter. So I think that’s what Leigh is referring to, meaning that Mandy had, in fact, been posting about me on twitter as well. Another lie, big surprise. Leigh is being so generous by getting involved, even in this way. But as usual, instead of absorbing what Leigh is saying, Mandy is making it all about her feelings and her trauma. Leigh is saying Mandy changed her life forever, traumatized her, and now here Mandy is doing the same thing to someone else, that she’s still unstable, and that she can’t go through life ruining other people’s lives like it’s nothing. And instead of sitting down and being like “wow, I need to think about what this person is saying and reflect on my actions,” and thinking about why Leigh felt the need to risk her own emotional safety and contact her, Mandy’s just whined over the fact that Leigh texted her at all.
I also have to add: Her ex may not hate Mandy, but I do.
34. “Crying to Wildest Dreams like it’s 2016. Holy trigger.”
Anyone else see the irony here? That Mandy is making fun of me for my trauma and various mental disorders, and telling me I’ve never been abused, meanwhile she’s over here milking the crap out of the fact that her own abuse victim contacted her BECAUSE of what she was doing to ME? Anyone?
I want to take a pause here and address something. You may or may not have noticed I’ve used the words “allegedly” and “supposedly” a few times in reference to Leigh’s texts to Mandy. And I’ll explain why. If this is all true, and Leigh did text Mandy, I would be touched and impressed and grateful. But, as I’m sure you’ve guessed by now, I don’t think Leigh texted Mandy. I think these texts are fake. In fact, I believe Mandy wrote these texts herself. I believe this for a few reasons, which I’ll now elaborate on.
Firstly, I just don’t think Leigh would reach out to Mandy, maybe even especially because of the circumstances. Mandy traumatized, by Mandy’s own admission, not just due to the events of their relationship, but also because of how Mandy handled the break up (ie. this). Would you voluntarily contact someone who abused you? Would you voluntarily contact someone who was doing the same things to someone else? Would it be worth the trigger?
Second, I believe Mandy posted all of this in an effort to get me to reach out to her. That may sound self-absorbed, but hear me out. This was a pattern Mandy established early on in our friendship. She would post on various social media platforms about how hurt/anxious/depressed/etc. she was about something, in the hopes or expectation that I would then message her. And I usually did, at least in the earlier part of our friendship, because I did care about her. However, I stopped doing it after a while, as I began to recognize it as a manipulation tactic. And this was no exception. I saw this for what it most likely was. (I recognize there’s a small possibility that these texts were real, but I sincerely doubt it.) She also asked Zach (he had started answering my phone for me, bless him) what I had said to him about it. She brought this up completely at random, with the expectation that I had said something to him about it. He told her I hadn’t brought it up to him at all, which was obviously untrue, as he’d basically been staying with me at that point to help me feel safe. But he made the choice to say that instead for his own reasons. (For the record, I was not in the room during this conversation, he told me about it after.) According to Zach, Mandy got sulky and snipped, “I think that’s more fucked up than anything else.” Then she said goodbye (so polite!) and hung up. She clearly wanted me to be discussing it. Not enough proof to establish a pattern? Just wait! During the askfm bullshit, when Mandy was harassing me anonymously, she would also send HERSELF submissions, essentially bullying herself, hoping I would come to her rescue and play the hero. Which is just..yuck. So yeah, the whole, “Sophie come comfort me” thing was not new.
I mentioned, in bullet point 30, that I found it ludicrous that after hearing from her ex, after reading all the things Leigh supposedly had to say, Mandy still did not stop her diatribe. In fact, she continued for long after this. Not hard proof, per se, but I do think the reason why she kept stalking and harassing me is because this wasn’t real. I suppose it’s possible that Mandy is just trapped in her phantasmagorical bubble, and that’s why she ignored what she should have absorbed from Leigh’s texts. I mean, you can see it in the posts themselves, Mandy does make it all about herself. But I don’t know, knowing Mandy the way I do, I think it’s far more likely Mandy faked it all.
There is one massive clue that is the most convincing, at least for me. Like most writers, Mandy has a voice. For those who don’t know a “voice” in writing is a specific style someone writes in. It’s quite literally their voice coming through. Many things contribute to a writer’s voice, including tone, vocabulary, syntax, spelling, commonly used words, etc. It’s like a finger print. No two writer’s have the exact same voice. I had been reading Mandy’s blog for about three years. I know her voice, and I would recognize it anywhere. And I see it in these texts. They just read like her. I believe it all the way down to my bones that Mandy wrote these texts. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise, and after all the lying she’s done, I have no reason to believe anything Mandy says anway.
35. “So what is she gonna do, stay angry the rest of her life? Hate me forever? That seems silly.”
Really? Doesn’t seem all that silly to me. The short answer is, yes, probably.
36. “I am not a ‘narcissistic abuser’ and you are not the perpetual victim you make yourself out to be. Your ex didn’t abuse you, he just didn’t want you as much as he did his following girlfriend. Deal with it. You are not a fucking victim. get over it.”
She’s accusing ME of making myself out to be a perpetual victim? After everything she just posted? Okay then. Glossing over the overt hypocrisy, I don’t make myself out to be a perpetual victim. Quite the opposite. I have fought tooth and nail to become a better person and cope with my illnesses in a healthy way. I have low days, like anyone else. Sometimes I go through bad periods. But the worst periods are usually the periods I talk about the least. I don’t like to be vulnerable, and I don’t trust people with my emotions like that (wonder why). So I bottle them up and have mental breakdowns alone, or in the presence of a select few. I have made the odd facebook post, but it’s only been when I was at extremely low points, like, dangerously low points, and probably under the influence of something. I also quickly delete them because, as I said, I don’t like to have my deepest feelings on display.
It’s unfortunate that I’ve dealt with so many abusers, but it’s common for a victim of abuse to succumb multiple times. Being told you’re “making yourself out to be a perpetual victim” is something survivors get told a lot, especially by other abusers. The ex she’s referring to did abuse me. That is fact. It’s probably true that he was more interested in the girl he dated after me. I still don’t think he’s capable of love, but nonetheless that did hurt. And I already knew it because it’s something Sean himself said to me when we got back together for the second big chunk of time. Nonetheless, even though this wasn’t new news, it still really hurt, seeing it so suddenly and freshly like that. Although, for all I know he abused that girlfriend too. Either way, it’s hard, being under the impression that someone who treated you so badly may have actually been a good partner to someone else. But it’s something I have to learn to cope with. At the very least, Mandy is right. I’m not a victim. I’m a survivor.
Man, I really did get to her with that word though.
37. “And yes, had you maintained contact and not cut me off fully, this NEVER would have happened. Newsflash sweetheart, I thought the WORLD of you. I loved you unconditionally. I never ‘talked shit behind your back’ over the last year and you can ask anyone that. You had to know you dropping me would devastate me, and you did it anyway. You’re ok with me spiraling if it benefits you and that’s disgustingly selfish. If you cared about [me], you couldn’t have stopped that is physically impossible.”
A smaller chunk, but it needs to be broken down nonetheless.
“And yes, had you maintained contact and not cut me off fully, this NEVER would have happened. Newsflash sweetheart, I thought the WORLD of you. I loved you unconditionally.”
More manipulation, more blaming language, more abuse tactics. She is quite literally saying that, if I had done what she wanted, I would not be being “punished” for it. I take no responsibility for Mandy’s decision to stalk and harass me. None. None of this is my fault, nothing I did warranted this kind of response, and I’m not going to let another abuser try to convince me otherwise. And again, with the gross pet names. Blech.
“I never ‘talked shit behind your back’ over this last year and you can ask anyone that.”
I’m pretty sure she was referring to something I had previously written to her about “the bile she was undoubtedly spewing behind my back,” or something to that effect. When I said that, I wasn’t speaking on the past. I meant that, during this whole debacle, she was undoubtedly talking shit about me. Which many of her tumblr posts (that I did not share here) confirmed. But as I’ve said, Mandy’s reading comprehension needs work.
“You had to know you dropping me would devastate me, and you did it anyway. You’re okay with me spiraling if it benefits you and that’s disgustingly selfish.”
I did know that dropping Mandy would hurt her, and I apologized for hurting her in the letter. But yes, I did it anyway because MANDY’S FEELINGS ARE NOT THE ONLY FEELINGS THAT MATTER. My feelings matter. My needs matter. My pain matters. It’s not “disgustingly selfish” to take care of yourself, which is also something of which abusers will try to convince you. You have to put yourself first at the end of the day. You have to do what is right for you. No one is going to do it for you. I am most certainly not “okay” with someone spiraling if it “benefits me,” and in fact am not sure how someone spiraling would benefit me in any given circumstance. But I had to do what I had to do for my own well-being. Mandy is just not capable of considering anyone’s feelings or needs other than her own.
And I was being disgustingly selfish? Does Mandy have any self-awareness at all?? How was all of THIS not disgustingly selfish? Seriously.
“If you cared about [me], you couldn’t have stopped that is physically impossible.”
It is absolutely not physically impossible to stop caring about someone. It happens all the time. And if you put someone through enough hell, eventually they will stop. It also depends on the person and your relationship to them. In “Claire’s” case, she was my best friend of two decades and I have a lot of memories with her. She was an amazing friend for a long time, and she occupied a large space in my heart. As such, she always will, even though things really soured at the end and she treated me so badly. With Mandy, I loved her too, and I cared about her too, but the magical, mystical friendship she referred to earlier only lasted about four months before she let her true colors out. I loved her after those four months too, otherwise I wouldn’t have kept giving her chances. But at a certain point, those four months of bliss started to fade into the background of three years of agony. (I have many other examples of people whom I left and still love, as well as people I left and no longer love, but we’d be here all day. I feel like these two more than adequately make my point, though.)
38. “And you know what? When her ex explained her side to [me], it helped me to understand a little bit, not much but a little. So if she ever got to a place where she were willing to have a conversation, I’d entertain it and do my best to comprehend her responses.”
At some point she got Zach on the phone and I guess he attempted to explain some stuff to her. I remember him saying “I think I really got through to her!” and I had to sadly explain to him that, that was not possible, that I had tried and failed many times. I’m certain she just said she understood a little bit in an attempt to get me to want to talk to her. And again, shocking that she would think I’d ever ever want that. She’d “entertain it,” as if she were doing me a favor. No thank you. I said it before and I’ll say it again, I have tried so many times in so many different ways to explain my feelings to Mandy, and she has never really absorbed any of it, probably because it doesn’t fit her agenda. She either doesn’t want to understand or isn’t capable of understanding, and therefore it is no longer my problem or responsibility.
39. “Imagine being in your late twenties and having your parents not only pay your bills, but giving you (redacted) a week because you don’t have a job or career. That’s not out of love. That is enabling behavior.”
Obviously I redacted the amount of money because that is personal and private and no one’s business. But I decided to share the post itself and I will tell you why. I am deeply ashamed that I still rely on my parents for support. It really, really bothers me, and Mandy knows that, which is why she posted this, I’m sure. I wish so badly that I could support myself, but, as Mandy had already pointed out, I have a plethora of mental illnesses that make being a functioning adult difficult. I’m certain if this was the 1960s, I’d be living in an institution. Not a happy thought. I see my brother living his life and supporting himself and I am so proud of him and happy for him but I’m also so fucking envious. I wish I could do that too, and it sucks ass that I’m not in a place where I can. But I’m working so fucking hard to better myself, to become healthier, and I’ve made so much progress. I’m really, really trying. I feel guilty for relying on my parents, and I hope I’ll be able to pay them back one day, even just a little. My parents do love me. They don’t want me to be homeless. They know life is hard for me, but they also see how hard I’m working. Keeping your child from being homeless isn’t enabling. Literal studies have shown that “tough love” doesn’t work. And while this is something that I am absolutely deeply ashamed of, at least my parents don’t ask ME for money, or try to give me back a child they said they would care for out of the goodness of their hearts.
40. “I’d argue that I’m having 10x more of a rough time than she is for any reason or in any circumstance. My daughter’s father absolutely sucks - but she is worse.”
Me, me, me. Everything’s about Mandy. I imagine she did believe she was having 10x more of a rough time than I was in any circumstance, because I have parents who support me. This is something I experience a lot, actually. People assume my life is easy, carefree, and wonderful, because I’m blessed in that way. And they’re not totally wrong. I grew up very fortunate, and I will never forget that or take it for granted. Many things in my life have come easier because of that. However, that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own share of problems, trauma, and difficulties (which Mandy was nice enough to point out in some posts above). It does really hurt after a while, to have so many people dismiss your hardships because you don’t have other hardships. There are struggles I will never understand, but that doesn’t mean I’m not empathetic to them. There are many struggles I have that others won’t understand. I ask for the same.
It’s either that, or just the simple fact that Mandy’s feelings were “real,” and I guess mine were “fake.” That she was obviously having a harder time with this friendship ending than I was with her harassing me. And comparing me to Sean, that’s low, and I’m sure she knew it was low. Another (successful) attempt to intentionally trigger me.
41. “Funny thing is, I love Addison. I will always have love for her. But I’m not ok with how she’s handled this and how she’s choosing to handle this.”
How funny: the feeling is mutual.
42. “This is not ‘social media.’ This is my blog, my safe space, where I vent. Nothing about this is on my twitter, Facebook, or any other platform than this.”
Based on the screenshotted text from her ex, I’m gonna have to call bullshit on this. But regardless, Mandy’s blog WAS public, and therefore any personal information she shared on it became public information that anyone could have accessed.
43. “I know someone I love is hurting because of me, and as crazy as I may be, that is hard for me. I love Addison and the thought of her being in pain does bother me. My therapist thinks I should apologize, but I don’t think she even wants it at this point. I don’t know what the right thing is, I don’t know where to go from here. I know I wasn’t respectful of her privacy. I went through my ex friends phone when we were on vacation together, to see if she was talking smack about me (she wasn’t).”
And yet, she continued intentionally hurting me long after this. If the thought of me being in pain bothered Mandy so much, why did she do it? If it was so hard for her to watch me be in pain, why keep going? It makes no fucking sense. She was correct, that I did not want an apology from her. I wanted NOTHING from her. ZERO contact, as I had made perfectly clear. I counted by the way. I told her to leave me alone and/or that she was harassing me 42 times. Yeah, 42, before I started ignoring her completely. So to say she didn’t know what the right thing was or where to go from there is just...wow. The right thing to do would have been to unfollow me on everything, stop harassing me and attempting to contact me, and stop invading my privacy. Which, as I said before, was a bad bad habit of hers. She went through my phone on our nightmare vacation, and of course I wasn’t talking shit about her, because I don’t do that. I tell you directly if I have a problem with you. I don’t play stupid, middle school games. I can only assume she thought I was talking shit because that’s what she would have been doing. She also unmatched someone on my tinder (see “Tumblr Messages” section), and created several dummy instagram profiles to follow me from since I blocked her instagram account A YEAR AGO. Among other things I’m sure. And yet, despite this seemingly rueful admission of guilt, she continued to invade my privacy, both by stalking my social media, and by revealing my personal information on the internet.
44. “If I could never see a cactus or anything with a cactus on it for the rest of my life, that would be great.”
Her nickname for me was Cactus, because I’m prickly on the outside and juicy on the inside. Which is a damn shame because it was actually a really cute nickname. That might be the one thing I miss.
45. “My feelings are so conflicted. I am hurting and mad but I also know this isn’t the kind of person I want to be.”
Interesting that she seemed to think being hurt and angry and NOT stalking and harassing someone are mutually exclusive. A person can be hurt and mad and not do those things. And if that’s not the kind of person she wanted to be, she should have stopped. But alas, she did not.
46. “I might never be able to see you again, but I’ll always have access to your social media babe.”
Ugh, just creepy.
47. “This had me all sorts of fucked up.”
Screenshot of a Text: “I know you loved me, ‘Mandy.’ But here’s what you’re missing. Love is more than just a feeling. It’s also actions that back those feelings up. Emotionally, yes, you loved me, but I’m sorry, your idea of love is fucked up. It’s more than just a feeling. It’s how you treat the person.”
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I’m not sure how this had her “all sorts of fucked up.” (Besides the fact that I’m like, 98% positive she wrote it herself.) This is common knowledge. It’s also something I myself had expressed to Mandy on numerous occasions. But like I said, she just doesn’t retain anything that doesn’t have to do with her own agenda. And of course, as usual, this wasn’t retained either. It just went into the woe is me, my ex is texting me bank.
48. “If I didn’t have any respect for Addison, one, I wouldn’t be using a fake name, also, I have had friends ask for her blog and I’ve always said no.”
Oh the delicious irony. Mandy had ALREADY used my real name, you know, the one where she blamed me for killing herself? She had taken it down at this point, so I guess she either thought I didn’t see it, or thought I couldn’t prove it. She also then DID end up posting my real name, including my middle name, several times later. Guess she lost that respect for me? And as for her friends asking for my blog, I would hope she wouldn’t give my blog out to people who wished ill on me. You know, like a good person. I certainly haven’t done that to her, not that anyone’s asked. Because, you know, we’re adults. But it’s all kind of silly isn’t it? That she was praising herself for not giving my tumblr to her friends, but at the same time she was spewing my personal information all over her own blog? Just saying.
49. “I really hope it gets to a point where Addison and I can have a conversation. I genuinely want to understand their side of it, and I know she has things she feels like she needs to say. We were friends for four years, she has a place in my heart and I can’t deny that.”
She really still thought I would ever be willing to sit down and talk to her? After all this? Unbelievable. Literally, I don’t believe it. If it’s true, and she really did honestly believe there was a chance of this happening, it only proves how unstable and unrooted in reality she actually is. And again, I tried to get Mandy to understand so many times, both in the distant and recent past, and I was over it. She didn’t want to understand it. I can only explain myself so many times. And I’m an articulate person. So if you don’t understand what I’m trying to tell you after literal years and several essays, I don’t know what to tell you. And I did have things I felt like I needed to say. Ta-da! Here’s the blog entry!
50. “I also wouldn’t be talking about being invasive Miss posts screenshots of my blog to Facebook.”
More hypocrisy. As I said, Mandy’s blog was PUBLIC domain at this point. I was doing nothing wrong by sharing her posts. It would have been no different than me hitting reblog on tumblr. Meanwhile, she was spying on my PRIVATE facebook, creating multiple profiles to stalk my instagram despite me blocking her, and sharing my personal information on her PUBLIC blog. I feel no guilt or shame in sharing public tumblr posts, and I certainly haven’t stalked Mandy’s private accounts, or shared her personal information publicly. (I suppose you could say I’m sharing some of her private information here, but I’m doing my best to keep it vague, I’ve done nothing to reveal her identity, and it’s certainly not in an attempt to slander or harass her.) Not to mention, the subtle irony of her literally admitting that she saw the screenshots on my facebook, which again, is PRIVATE, only proves how invasive she was. Much more invasive than sharing public tumblr posts, in my opinion.
51. “Horrible lies are being spread about me, that I’m a ‘piece of shit,’ that I’m a narcissist, that I have no soul. I’m sorry but if you can stop loving someone who you claimed to love unconditionally, you are the one who lacks a soul.”
Okay so first of all, if we purely examine Mandy’s actions, I would say that she is a piece of shit and a narcissist. I don’t think those are lies. As for the no soul thing, I never said that. And it’s not something I would say about anyone save for one person. I do think Mandy has a soul, I just think it’s kind of mangled and gnarled. Maybe she can fix it, but it will require a lot of work on her part, and thus far, she doesn’t seem up to the task. Secondly, I NEVER claimed to love Mandy unconditionally. Straight up. I never said that. I would never say that. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve ever only told three people I love them unconditionally. Zach, one of my best friends, and my high school sweetheart. And Lexi, obviously, I just haven’t said it to her. Unconditionally loving someone is so rare for me, for obvious reasons. Lexi aside, the three people I told I love them unconditionally are people I’ve known for 11, 14, and 15 years respectively. It takes a long time and a lot of trust for me to feel that way about someone, and I can say for certain, and for a plethora of reasons, Mandy never earned it. That being said, a person absolutely can stop loving someone unconditionally. I think it’s rare, but if someone does something heinous enough, they may just create a condition. You may love someone unconditionally, not expecting them to ever do something that would break that, or not considering a scenario in which that may break. People change, minds change, hearts change. It’s sad, but it happens.
52. “I’ll be checking your social media 10 years from now.”
53. “If you’re gonna forgive the chick with fake blue eyes you gotta forgive me too, not optional.”
She’s talking about Trisha, who has been rocking some killer gray contacts recently. I don’t “gotta” forgive anyone. I really don’t understand why Mandy is so obsessed with Trisha and my relationship with her. Like, I can understand, or at least guess, some of the other obsessive crap, but not this. The “not optional” part is very controlling and possessive language as well, and it’s actually quite menacing.
54. “I bet you’re gonna claim you have PTSD from this too 😂”
Bold words considering she had allegedly just heard from someone she did the same thing to who claims Mandy “changed her life forever,” but okay. For the record, I’m not going to “claim” anything. I will say that this whole ordeal was very traumatic. Does that mean I’ll have PTSD from it? Who knows. I doubt it, but I guess we’ll see. I’m not even sure what she means by “claim.” I’m assuming the implication is that I’m “crying PTSD” over my other abusers? Like, no, I’m diagnosed as having PTSD from two licensed professionals, one therapist, one psychiatrist, both doctors. I would never throw a mental illness diagnosis around. (Not that there is anything wrong with self-diagnosis! Just please do your research!)
55. “Gonna watch your kids grow up via socials. Hope they don’t belong to your ex though, that would just be a waste of life.”
Creepiness aside, I think it’s so weird that Mandy thinks these types of insults are effective. Like, ooh ouch, my feelings? My ex will have beautiful babies (let’s be honest, even more beautiful if they’re mine), and they’ll be incredibly intelligent and empathetic children.
56. “I thought you had so much you wanted to say...clearly not. Or you’re scared.”
I did have so much I wanted to say (obviously, hence this post), but my desire to never speak to her again was much stronger. I definitely was not scared of Mandy. I don’t even know what she thought I would be scared of, exactly. She just didn’t know that I was already pursuing legal action against her, and as such, did not want to give any kind of impression that I wanted to pursue contact with her (and I still don’t). This post, like many others, just seems like another attempt to goad me into talking to her.
57. “Imagine living in the low income housing of (redacted), and thinking that’s an acceptable place for a child to grow up, and calling myself a ‘parent.’”
Another post about Trisha. Trisha is a single mother with kidney failure, who has no one to help her out financially. She gets almost no money at all from our “loving” government, and hustles day in and day out so that she can MOVE her and Lexi out of that area and somewhere more suitable for Lexi to grow up. I am floored by how hard Trisha works to be a great mother, and she is a great mother. She wants only the best for Lexi, and I know one day she’ll get to where she wants to be. And as for miss Mandy, I’ll avoid getting super personal, because I don’t want to stoop to her level, and I’ve already touched on some of it above. All I will say is, she should be less cavalier about pointing out who is and isn’t a good mother.
58. “If you have things to say, say them. I’d like to know. I’d like to try and comprehend them.”
No. The time for saying these things had passed. I don’t care that she wanted to know. I don’t care that she wanted to try and comprehend them, as she had proven time and time again that she was not capable of that. As I’ve said, I had tried so many times to explain myself to her, in both distant and recent past. If she really wanted to understand, everything prior to that should have been enough. And if she didn’t understand why I didn’t want to talk to her, or why what she was doing was super fucked up? I mean...yeah.
59. “My feelings on the situation are really mixed, truly. On one hand, I’m angry, hurt, etc, and in the moment, don’t feel as bad as I should. On the other hand, someone I love is hurting because of me and that’s also challenging to cope with. I also know I’ll likely never have their forgiveness. I just wish we could talk. Not make up, but I genuinely wish to understand her side of it. Give me a chance to explain my side, and hear yours...For the record, I’d be devastated if something happened to this person, I’d never actually want that. I love her dearly.”
Another blurb to parse out. Let’s do it.
“My feelings on the situation are really mixed, truly. On one hand, I’m angry, hurt, etc, and in the moment, don’t feel as bad as I should.”
How could Mandy’s feelings be mixed? She was literally stalking and harassing someone for ending a friendship. Hurtful, yes. Painful, yes. Angering, sure. But none of that compared to the things she was doing. None. She didn’t feel as bad as she should? Yikes. I mean, at least she was semi-aware of it, but still. If someone doesn’t feel as bad as they should doing for the kinds of things she did, what does that say?
“On the other hand, someone I love is hurting because of me and that’s also challenging to cope with.”
Yes, someone she loved was hurting because of her, but of course, she turned it around and made it about how SHE had to cope with that, as opposed to the fact that I had to cope with what she was doing (and continued to do).
“I also know I’ll likely never have their forgiveness.”
Nope. Never. But that shouldn’t have a bearing on the choice to stop or continue harassing someone.
“I just wish we could talk. Not make up, but I genuinely wish to understand her side of it. Give me a chance to explain my side, and hear yours.”
Again, how could she ever really believe we could talk after this. And again, I was done trying to explain. Years of explaining, two letters of explaining, several messages of me explaining, left me drained and frustrated. If she wanted to understand so bad, she could go back and reread. And after all of this, any “right” that she had to a chance to explain her side was out the window. Like, way out the window.
“For the record, I’d be devastated if something happened to this person, I’d never actually want that. I love her dearly.”
And yet, she said otherwise many times. She continued to wish ill things upon me, and not long after this post. If you would be devastated should something bad happen to someone, you would never wish ill upon them. I’d assume you wouldn’t even want to risk the bad juju.
60. “You may not have gone out of your way to hurt me, but guess what, you still have hurt me tremendously. Cop to that. Admit that you know you’ve hurt me a great deal over the years with the constant in and out of my life. I’d bet I’m hurting more than you are at this point.”
Yes, I’m sure I did hurt Mandy tremendously in ending our friendship. I’m sure I hurt her tremendously the other two times I ended the friendship. And while I was genuinely apologetic in the past (including this most recent time), after all of this, I no longer feel any guilt over it.
But more importantly, and the reason this particular post really fucking pissed me off, was that the constant in and out of Mandy’s life was HER OWN doing. I would have been content to just end it after the first time, which was exactly what I tried to do. But she begged for another chance, pleaded with me to let her prove she could change. Again and again and again. Jesus Christ, the first time I even attempted to end it, she showed up at my house in the middle of the night! So I won’t be made to feel guilty for something Mandy literally begged me for. I suppose I take some blame, that perhaps I should have put my foot down and said no. But I loved her. And if you’ve ever been in any kind of abusive relationship, you know how hard it is to say “no” in the moment. Even so, every single time, I tried to walk away, and Mandy dragged me back by my ankles. And the fact that she would turn around and put the blame on me is despicable.
No, I don’t think she was hurting more than me. She was harassing me, blowing up my phone, invading my privacy, sending me creepy ass messages all the time, sharing my personal information on the internet, things I had told her in confidence because I trusted her, saying horrible things about wishing I was dead, repeating things I had said about others a long time ago in attempts to cause rifts in my relationships. Etc. etc. etc. I would bet literally any amount of money that I was in a lot more pain than she was. Case in point, she even acknowledged that I never went out of my way to hurt her. But here she is, for weeks, going out of her way to hurt me, trigger me, and ruin my relationships.
61. “I wish I was able to know for sure if this person ever cared about me or not.”
There was a way, it’s called listening to me. Yes, I did care about Mandy. I did. I really really did. And she fucked it up. The end.
62. “Believe it or not, I do comprehend some of the things you’ve said. I’d like to understand everything else.”
I don’t believe it, and history had taught me that she was not capable of understanding, or she didn’t want to.
63. “My worst case scenario wasn’t being cut off, it was being cut off unexpectedly which is exactly what happened. If she was considering cutting me off she should have from the jump, and she shouldn’t have interacted with my posts or anything to give hope or anything else.”
I said this before, I honestly believe that no matter what I had done, all of this was inevitable. I was sorry that it was unexpected. I’m sure that did make it more painful. As I said, it was certainly not my intention. I would never intentionally drag someone along. I needed the time and space away from Mandy (which I literally had to demand, even though I had told her she was on probation, because she kept pushing for more) to realize how I felt and what I needed. I wasn’t considering cutting her off, I just realized that’s what I needed to do. Anyone who knows me knows that as soon as I know how I feel, you will too. But the fact is, even if I had cut her off “from the jump,” she almost certainly still would have reacted this way. History has proven that.
As for the interacting with her posts, that’s all on her. Another perfect example of her complaining about something she literally asked for. She would constantly complain about how no one interacted with her posts. She would say that if someone didn’t comment such and such or text her the morning before her surgery or this or that they didn’t really care about her. She constantly guilted me into interacting with her posts and maintaining more contact than I would have liked (considering she was supposed to be on probation). I have to take some responsibility, clearly I am more susceptible to subtle manipulation and guilt tripping than I thought, and I’ll have to examine that. But the fact of the matter is, Mandy asked for those things, in some cases, begged for them. And I won’t be made to feel guilty for doing things I was literally bullied into doing, even if that bullying was unconscious.
64. “It’s just really hard to process that someone you love so much never loved you back.”
False and manipulative, but she can believe whatever she wants.
65. “I remember one time I met my ex friend at a plus size men’s store where she was buying clothes for her boyfriend at the time, and she spent over $1600 on clothes for him (charging it to her parents’ credit card like it was nothing). If it were me, I would’ve insisted my partner return it but he was so ok with it.”
This time I felt comfortable posting the number because it is a lie. She totally pulled this number out of her ass. The rest of it is true though. I was shopping for my boyfriend at the time, and she met me there. I won’t say how much I spent, but I’m certain that it was between $500 and $900. Do with that information what you will. Plus sized clothing is expensive, simply because they require more fabric to make. (Which is bullshit, but, capitalism.) Especially high quality clothing that won’t easily tear. I put it on my parent’s credit card because I didn’t have enough money in my bank account at the time, but it was with the understanding that I would absolutely pay them back. They knew I was buying clothes for him and supported that. The only time I spent more than that on him in one sitting was at the same store, but my father was present, and we were buying him two nice suits for my cousin’s Bat Mitzvah, which he attended. As for him accepting the gift, I’m glad he did. It was a gift. Gift giving is my love language. If he had returned the clothes, or asked me to return them, I would have been hurt and insulted.
66. “I seriously hope she’s infertile. She doesn’t deserve kids. And no one would allow her to adopt with her laundry list of illnesses.”
And we’re right back to hoping bad things happen to me. What a horrible thing to wish upon someone. If I were Mandy, I wouldn’t be pointing fingers at who deserves kids or not. And people would absolutely allow me to adopt, which is something I’ve wanted to do since I was 16. Not only are plenty of heinous people unfortunately allowed and able to adopt children, but I have been doing very well. I’m medicated, I’m in therapy, I’m kind, I’m educated, I come from a good background and a happy family, I don’t have a criminal record, and I can only imagine how much better off I’ll be by the time I’m ready to adopt.
67. “If Addison stopped caring about me (which I doubt she did to begin with), then she’s the one with issues and that says more about the kind of ‘person’ she is.”
I stopped caring about Mandy because she was toxic, manipulative, and abusive. I don’t think that points to any kind of issue, other than being fed up, perhaps. Not sure why “person,” is in quotes. Maybe she thinks I’m a lizard person? 🦎 What if, instead of blaming me for stopping caring about Mandy, she had taken the time to ask herself why that happened? But that would be too much work.
68. “Even on my worst day, did I deserve all the Hell you gave me?”
This is a Taylor Swift lyric, and while Mandy posted plenty of these over the weeks of harassment, this one stood out to me, and I’ll explain why. I believe this was directed at me (like most of the Swift lyrics, no doubt), and it pissed me the fuck off. What hell did I put her through? Other than ending our friendship? I could turn that line right back at her. Even on my worst day, which honestly, other than ending our friendship I can’t think of one single thing I did where I hurt her in the course of our friendship (and if I did, they were minor things during arguments that I later apologized for), did I deserve THIS?? If this lyric was directed at me, this only proves my point, that everything is about Mandy, and Mandy’s feelings, and how Mandy is affected. Horseshit. She was harassing me, stalking me. And I was the one putting her through hell? Honestly, fuck Mandy.
It has occurred to me that this lyric may have been about Leigh, but my point still stands. Mandy was the one who abused Leigh, and yet there she was, making herself out to be the victim, making it all about her pain. I maintain that, given the context surrounding this specific post, the lyric in question was either about me or Leigh. Either way, Mandy was the perpetrator in both circumstances, and this post is only another example of her disgusting tendency to minimize the pain she caused other people and center the situation on herself.
69. “I told my therapist that I heard from my ex and am having severe anxiety since and she still hasn’t gotten back to me, guess I’m on my own this time.”
I would never minimize or invalidate someone’s trauma. I’m sure the anxiety Mandy was feeling was very real. I only find it interesting that she was having intense anxiety over hearing from Leigh (who only reached out to her because of what she was doing to me), and yet at the same time was making fun of my anxiety and claiming I was exaggerating and telling me to stop making myself a victim. Another double standard perhaps? Another example of how Mandy’s feelings are valid and everyone else’s aren’t?
70. “I bet my ex-friend loved that I’m super traumatized after hearing form my ex and having her basically tell me I just need as much help now as I did then, and that I haven’t stopped listening to Wildest Dreams since.”
No, I didn’t love it, partially because I knew it wouldn’t make a difference, that Mandy wouldn’t actually absorb the things Leigh said, or understand why Leigh had reached out to her in the first place, and partially because I found Mandy’s visceral response, which was to make it all about her, disgusting. Also, I would never rejoice in someone else’s suffering. Not when it comes to mental illness. Mandy wrote that because that’s what she would do. If I heard from Sean, or any of my other abusers, and posted on my blog about how traumatized I felt, she would revel in it, because she’s a cruel person. And I know that (both that she would revel in it and that she’s a cruel person) because of her numerous posts and messages in which she attempted to trigger me by invoking my trauma.
This, to me, also supports my theory that Mandy sent the texts herself. That this was just another tactic to try and get me to talk to her. She posted about how much I “loved” her traumatic response so I would reach out and tell her that that wasn’t true. As I said, this was something Mandy had done many times during our friendship, so it’s not far-fetched.
71. “So this chick will call me out for a situation with someone she doesn’t even know (though I suppose technically they’ve met, or at least, been in the same room), but still won’t give me the closure I’ve wanted for years now?”
Me, me, me. Always Mandy, Mandy, Mandy. Again, not considering why Leigh felt the need to call her out, not internalizing that, but rather making it about her feelings and what she wants. Mandy doesn’t necessarily deserve closure with Leigh. I don’t know all of the details of their relationship, but I can guess. At the very least, I know Mandy was the abuser and Leigh was the victim, and that’s enough for me to believe that no, Mandy doesn’t deserve closure. But if Leigh was gonna reach out, it SHOULD have been to give Mandy what she wanted, right? Not because Mandy was hurting someone else the same way she hurt Leigh after Leigh ended their relationship, right?
As for Leigh and I technically meeting, I regret that I participated in a “stalking event” with Mandy. We went on a fake date to the restaurant where Leigh was working at the time. I thought it would help give Mandy closure (though obviously it didn’t, since she’s still moaning about it). But I really do regret it, both because I encouraged bad behavior in Mandy, and because I probably triggered Leigh while she was at work. I wish I could apologize to her.
72. “Addison honestly thinks she’s perfect. I have NEVER heard her say once Jade I fucked up and I’m sorry.”
This is entirely false. Firstly, as I said earlier, I’m sure there were times during arguments where I said something hurtful or did something wrong, and I have distinct recollections of taking ownership and apologizing in those moments. Secondly, I literally apologized in the letter I sent ending the friendship. Thirdly, I’m confident that I, at no point in our friendship, treated Mandy anywhere close to how she treated me. And fourthly, I have never once in my life claimed to be perfect. In fact, I wrote an entire blog post listing my flaws to prove otherwise. It’s called, “I’m Not Perfect.” It’s still there! You can read it!
73. “Addison thinks she’s all that because she’s had lipo a bunch of times and has had fat sucked out of different places, and just because Daddy is a partner at a law firm and buys her whatever surgeries she wants.”
I won’t lie, I wasn’t going to post this one, but I decided I should for a few reasons. I don’t think I’m all that because I’ve had lipo. I think I’m all that because I’m a phenomenal person, despite my numerous flaws, and anyone would be lucky to be in my life. I have had lipo a number of times. I’m blessed to have been able to afford it, and I’ll never forget it. I can assure you, my “Daddy” does not buy me any surgery I want. These were talked over with myself and my mother as well (it’s her money, too), and were agreed upon because of my career in the arts, as well as my medical ailments that make weight loss near impossible for me. The excessive weight was taking a massive toll on my mental health as well. I promise, my parents are not spending money on me willynilly, otherwise I would have had a lot more surgery. In fact, my parents have said no to me a lot more often than they’ve said yes throughout my life, and I’m a better person for it. In terms of the lipo itself, I think it’s important to be open about these things. I do feel a little shame in having liposuction, but it’s okay. Because I took it seriously. I do yoga, I eat healthy, I work out, I’m working on my overall health and fitness. Lipo isn’t magic. You don’t get it and then suddenly you’re skinny forever. It’s more like a jumping off point. And that’s what I did, I jumped off. It’s hard to maintain, but it’s so worth it, because I’m feeling better about myself every day. And lastly, I’ll just add that my parents did not pay for my most recent surgery, but I won’t elaborate on that further.
74. “You know you’re a spoiled brat when you have a sign in your apartment that says ‘I don’t expect everything handed to me, you can just leave it there.’”
First of all, it actually says, “I don’t expect everything handed to me, you can just set it down wherever.” And secondly it’s a fucking joke, chill out.
75. “Dear Ex, Obviously, you’ve been on my mind a little more now than normal. I’m still really shaken up as a result of the other night. I secretly wonder if it was your best friend behind the messages, but I have no evidence of that. I cannot imagine you caring enough about a situation that had nothing to do with you to get involved, but I digress. Assuming it was you, I’m still really messed up. I always thought if we had a conversation, it’d be me apologizing for everything I put you through, not this kind of a conversation. I’d imagined it to be a scenario where you’d see my progress, not a situation that doesn’t exactly highlight my progress. It was really, really, difficult to talk to you. I’m sure you can understand that. And the truth is, it made me see that I honestly don’t want anything to do with you (which I know is mutual). You haven’t done anything, it’s just too hard. Regardless, I love you to pieces, and I wish you all the best.
P.S. Thanks for not hiding behind someone else when I called.”
Leave it to Mandy to turn her ex reaching out to her about her hurting someone else into how badly Mandy is traumatized, just completely ignoring why Leigh texted her in the first place (allegedly). I don’t know Leigh, so I don’t know if it’s true that she’s not the kind of person to care about situations that don’t involve her, but I think it’s much more likely that Mandy said that because she herself would not care about a situation that had nothing to do with her. Though I would make the argument that this situation very much had to do with Leigh, considering that Mandy put her through the same abuse after their relationship ended. I think it’s kind of poetic justice that, rather than get the closure she wanted, Mandy heard from her ex exactly when she didn’t want to, when she was repeating old behavior. Hopefully Mandy can learn from that, but history suggests she will not.
The P.S. is obviously a dig at me for “hiding” behind Zach. In reality, he demanded to pick up the phone every time (for his own reasons, that I won’t disclose here). I was content to just ignore her. I wasn’t hiding behind anyone. I just straight up didn’t want to talk to her. (Which I said 42 times.)
76. “Eh, sometimes I defend your pronouns.”
I had no idea what this was in response to until I was flipping through some older facebook statuses and came across something I had shared, not even posted myself, that said “Yeah but do you defend my pronouns when I’m not around.” I shared that both because I’m gender-fluid and want to make sure people are respecting that, and also in support of the trans community at large. Not everything is about Mandy, and I have no idea why she thought this post in particular was directed at her. But it’s good to know that she didn’t take my gender identity completely seriously (not that that’s a surprise).
77. “Not exaggerating when I tell you I thought the world of Addison and would’ve done anything for her.”
Really? Because I asked for respect of my boundaries and privacy, and I didn’t get that. I asked for space and distance and time, and I didn’t get that. I asked for her to stop pushing her agenda on me in terms of how fast our friendship was rekindling, and I didn’t get that. I asked her to change her toxic behaviors and I didn’t get that. I asked her to stop making passive aggressive posts, and I didn’t get that. I asked her to leave me alone, and I didn’t get that. Need I go on?
78. “Why do I care about someone who never gave two flying fucks about me?”
I did care about her, whether she chooses to believe that or not is up to her. But that is a good question. If she is so convinced I don’t care about her, why was she so determined to stalk me and try and make me talk to her?
79. “I love Addison. I always have, and I always will. It doesn’t matter that she never did me. she has that whether she wants it or not.”
I just wanna go back to the drama queen comment from way earlier. Just wanted to point that out, that I’m the “fragile drama queen,” but Mandy was the one posting all the “woe is me, my friend never loved me” statuses. Just saying. And to recap, I did love Mandy, I stopped because she’s a toxic person who couldn’t stop hurting me. And I don’t want Mandy’s “love” because maybe, if she didn’t “love” me, she would have stopped fucking harassing me, since, apparently, that’s what “love” is to her.
80. “I bet you she’s only been hanging more with her ex so she has someone to answer the phone in case I call.”
Nah, it couldn’t possibly be because my ex is my best friend and I genuinely enjoy his company. Or the fact that we see each other on average once a week anyway. Definitely not. I happened to be hanging out with him, she would call, and he would reach for the phone. There were plenty of times over these weeks that I was not with him, and I would just not answer the phone.
I’ll also add that, if Mandy really did believe I was only spending time with Zach so he’d answer the phone when she called, that’s only more proof that she had bad intentions. She believed I was avoiding her, and she was still continuing her stalking and harassment.
81. “I wish I knew what her motive was. To take care of me when I was drunk. To stalk my ex with me. To change her flight. She never cared so what was her true motive?”
*Sigh.* It’s like Mandy said earlier, nothing will convince her that I ever loved her, so why try? I know it’s true, even if she doesn’t. That was my only motive. I consistently put her comfort and feelings over my own, always to my detriment. (And again, Leigh, if you ever read this, I’m really, really sorry.)
82. “I wish she’d take the 2 mins and explain how her presence in my life was ‘hurting me.’”
I did. In the letter. She can reread it if she wants to. (Never mind the fact that her presence in MY life was hurting me, but go off I guess.)
83. “Bitch making me make a whole ass new Venmo just to check on you.”
Yes, you read that correctly, Mandy was also checking my Venmo. God knows why. Probably to have any information on me she could. Probably to find something else to post publicly about me. Going to really disturbing lengths to obsess over me. Apparently she also looked up my criminal record? Which, obviously, I don’t have one. Did she really have so little self-awareness to not see how fucked this was?
84. “It’s really funny when someone tries so hard to prevent you from seeing their stuff but you’re still able to see or have everything they post sent to you.”
So creepy, and so disturbing that she was like, bragging about it. Just a straight up admission of stalking.
85. “It’s a beautiful thing when literally all of your friends side with you.”
Either this was a complete lie, or there are more garbage people on this earth than I’d like. Anyone who can side with someone stalking and harassing another person, sharing their personal information on the internet, and saying horrible things to intentionally trigger them, just because that person tried to walk away from a friendship after years of abuse, and took time out of their day to write a letter in earnest, explaining why they felt the way they felt, can go fuck themselves.
86. “ah cool Tumblr let’s (sic) me read my ex friend’s blog even though I’m blocked.”
I’m assuming this is because my blog is public. Even so, I DID block her account, which means Mandy had to go to the trouble of logging out to read my stuff, even though I’d made it clear I don’t want her here.
87. “Tell me the truth, did you ever love me?”
For fucks sakes. Yes. I did. We’ve addressed this multiple times. Let’s move on.
88. “You won’t see her on screen considering she can’t act to save her life, fake baby blues.” “Does EBT pay for movie tickets??? No?? Guess she won’t be seeing any of your movies anyway then.”
These two posts were in response to something Trisha had commented on my facebook about being excited to see me on the big screen. I don’t know what Mandy’s obsession with Trisha’s finances is, or why she’s so convinced she makes all her money from the government, especially considering that both Trisha and I have told Mandy numerous times that Trisha gets almost nothing for her disability. She has steady income and makes most of her money on her own. And honestly, Trisha probably does make more money from her job than Mandy does, but that’s just based on what I know. I’m sure it’s a racial thing, as Mandy has proven many times to be a flaming racist. As for my lack of talent, I have had several industry professionals tell me otherwise. Not everyone will like my work, and that’s fine, but I’m confident in it. I’ll leave it there.
89. “I truly believe had Addison said ‘You know what, I’m gonna keep you on Tumblr so we can stay updated on each other’s lives but I don’t want anything more,’ I could’ve lived with that. But she had to take the selfish, self-centered route. None of this would’ve happened had she considered me more.”
I’m sure Mandy did truly believe that, but it’s bullshit. Even if I had said that, she still would have thrown a hissy fit. And even if she didn’t throw a hissy fit, she still would have tried to creep back into my life, as she had done literally every other time I had asked for space over our entire friendship. That’s the thing with a parasite, you have to chop it off at the head. You can’t give it a chance to regrow.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter what Mandy “could have lived with.” I didn’t want that. I wanted zero contact, nothing. And that was my right. Not wanting to be friends with someone is not a selfish act. But Mandy thought it was. Why? Say it with me! She’s not capable of understanding that hers are not the only feelings that matter! The fact that I didn’t want to be friends with her was selfish, purely because it went against what SHE wanted. That sounds pretty self-centered to me. How could she not see how selfish her reactionary behavior was? (Seriously, look up NPD.)
And with that last sentence we’re right back to the abusive, blaming language. All of this was my fault because I didn’t do what she wanted. “None of this would have happened had she considered ME more.” It honestly amazing me how little self-awareness Mandy has. Does she actually not hear herself speak? Or re-read what she writes?
90. “It’s just so incredibly unfair, she goes from ‘I need to not talk to you for a while’ and not explaining boundaries, that she owed it to me to explain, to cutting me off but forgiving the welfare queen (with the hopefully failing kidneys).”
It’s not unfair. I gave Mandy so many chances over the years, and she continued to waste them. I went from “I need space” to cutting her off because having that space is what allowed me to realize I wanted to cut her off (as I’ve already said). I had explained my boundaries numerous times over the years. They never changed, maybe got more specific, but the spirit of them never changed. I am an articulate person, and I take care to be explicit in my explanations. As I keep repeating, at that point, if Mandy did not understand, that was no longer on me. I can only explain something so many times before it becomes apparent that the person to whom I’m trying to explain isn’t capable of internalizing what I’m saying. Moreover, I did not “owe” it to Mandy to explain my boundaries. (There we go with that word again.) Explaining your boundaries to someone is a courtesy. Especially once you’ve already explained them several times. Someone violating your boundaries, and violating them consistently over a long period of time, is enough to end a relationship, period. At that point I was exhausted and over it.
As forgiving the “welfare queen” (a nickname Trisha is quite tickled by), that was already in effect. I didn’t decide to cut Mandy off and then was like, “Hm, yeah, gonna forgive Trisha though.” That was already going on. And I gotta say, wishing so much ill on so many people, that’s some really bad juju. I know Mandy’s not religious but like, how does she not care about that?
91. “You know you’re powerful when your ex-friend is so scared of you she hides behind her ex whenever you call.”
Another tactic to try to get me to talk to her, I’m sure. As I said, I wasn’t scared of Mandy, I was simply in the process of pursuing legal action against her. I never “hid” behind Zach. He wanted to take the calls, so I let him, because I had no interest. All this proves is that Mandy had malicious intent. But I’ve addressed all that already.
But hey, if Mandy wants to feel powerful, she can. Who am I to take that away from a toddler?
92. “Man, Addison is probably a sociopath...holy shit. I was friends with a sociopath.”
I am decidedly not a sociopath. Rather than go into detail about the many reasons I am not one, I’m just going to respond directly to each symptom in the screenshot she posted immediately following this entry. (I was also pretty certain at this point that Mandy kept calling me a sociopath either to trigger me, get me to talk to her, or both.)
- May begin displaying symptoms during childhood; such behaviors may include fire setting, cruelty to animals, and difficulty with authority.
I never harmed animals, though I did have a passion for dissection, but only animals that were provided to me by my school. I always found anatomy fascinating, even through high school. But again, I’ve never hurt an animal all my life. Never set fire to anything either, and in fact, was terrified of fire. Emotional problems aside, I was a quiet child. I did as I was told. My only issue with authority was that I never questioned it, which I thankfully outgrew.
- Often have legal problems resulting from failures to conform to social norms and a lack of concern for the rights of others.
I have never had any problems with the law. Ever. (Can't say the same for Mandy, though.)
- Often act out impulsively and fail to consider the consequences of their actions.
I have been known to act impulsively, particularly during manic episodes, but have gotten better about this, and do my best to consider the consequences of my actions. I would also say my impulsive actions are usually not the kind that affect others. Usually they're things like self-harm, shopping sprees, long walks late at night, thinks like that. (Not things like, you know, impulsively harassing someone.)
- Display aggressiveness and irritability that often lead to physical assaults.
I can absolutely be aggressive and irritable. I'm working on this. But these characteristics may be symptomatic of many things, including BPD and Bipolar Disorder, both of which I have. However I have never assaulted anyone. It has never escalated to a physical attack, and would never unless I was defending myself against an assailant.
- Have difficulty feeling empathy for others.
I know who I am, I know what I've done in my life to be there for others, sometimes to my detriment. I can absolutely be insensitive, but again, I always take accountability. If you think I lack empathy, please feel free to say so. Seriously. Tell me, I'm happy to talk about why you might feel that way. But thus far, other than Mandy, no one has brought this up to me.
- Display a lack of remorse for damaging behavior.
I always apologize when someone tells me I've hurt them. I'm always trying to improve myself. I'm always willing to listen.
- Often have poor or abusive relationships with others and are more likely to abuse or neglect their children.
As far as I am aware, I have only ever emotionally abused one person, totally unconsciously, and have since talked things out with that person and have apologized profusely. It was also mutual, and they abused me (unconsciously) as well. We are on excellent terms. Otherwise, I’ve always been the victim in the abusive situation.
- Frequently lie and deceive others for personal gain.
Everyone lies here and there. I have only ever lied (at least as an adult, I'm sure I lied as a kid) to spare someone's feelings, or to protect someone's secrets, and occasionally to expedite a process. I’ve never lied purely to deceive or for personal gain. I pride myself on being an honest person who doesn't beat around bush or tweak the truth.
Mandy posted this screenshot of this list of symptoms with the caption “Holy Addison,” which I found hilarious (and dramatic) considering that the only symptom I actually match (the impulsivity) is also a symptom of Borderline and Bipolar. As my friend Trisha pointed out, most of these symptoms actually sound a lot like Mandy.
93. “Okay so I haven’t exactly been the nicest towards my ex friend.”
The understatement of the century. But this sentiment didn’t last long, as she went right along with the harassment and writing disparaging things about me.
94. “Addison had no right to cut me out of her life, that wasn’t her choice to make.”
Another disturbing collection of words. I had no “right” to cut Mandy out of my life? I have a right to end a relationship with anyone I want, because I’m an autonomous fucking person with my own wants and needs. No one has to agree with my decisions, but it doesn’t matter if they do or don’t. The fact that Mandy thought I have no “right” to cut her out of my life is only a reflection of the fact that she thinks the world revolves around her. Same goes for “that wasn’t her choice to make,” which is probably even more disturbing than the first half of the sentence. How was it not my choice to make? I didn’t want to be friends anymore, so I left. Is the implication that only Mandy has the right to end a relationship? That no one else is allowed to decide when a relationship with her is over? The whole statement is just controlling, possessive, and narcissistic.
95. “As long as you continue to have undeserving people in your life, you’ll have to deal with me.”
Because Mandy makes the rules. As long as SHE felt I had “undeserving people” in my life, she was going to stalk and harass me. For the record, I absolutely think Trisha deserves to be in my life. As I’ve said, I’ve witnessed her growth and change. She tries to better herself every day. She has always respected my boundaries and my pace. Besides, even if Mandy felt Trisha is “undeserving,” that still didn’t give her the right to stalk and harass me. More controlling and possessive language.
96. “I’ll be ‘dealt with’ she is threatening me, she is threatening violence against me.”
This refers to a facebook post of mine in which I said “the stalker will be dealt with.” So right off the bat, she’s admitting to stalking me, which had me cackling. And this was obviously not a threat, especially not a violent one. “Dealt with” has many connotations, and most of them have nothing to do with violence. I even later clarified that it wasn’t a threat, which was technically true, considering the legal process was already underway, which is what I was referring to. Mandy can interpret my words however she likes, that doesn’t make it true.
97. “Honey my fakes have been following you since you blocked me a year ago....going private ain’t gonna do shit.”
I referred to this earlier, I believe in the “Tumblr Messages” section. Much much earlier on in the stalking, Mandy had suggested to me that I should have just kept her on tumblr, and that if she disrespected my boundaries, I could block her then. Not only is that bullshit, that when she did inevitably disrespect my boundaries, she would still flip the fuck out and try to claw her way back in, but apparently she was already disrespecting my boundaries! By her own admission I had a right to block her on tumblr. I’m sure according to her logic, it shouldn’t count because I didn’t know about it? I seriously don’t know how she’s able to keep that justification bubble she’s created from popping. By the way, she was referring to my instagram, which I had to temporarily make private because she kept making fake profiles to harass me in the comments of my posts (addressed in the “Miscellaneous” section). She was saying that it didn’t matter that I made my account private, since she had several dummy accounts following me since I blocked her instagram A YEAR AGO.
So, just to recap, I told this person I wanted a hiatus from our friendship, that she was on probation, and she immediately barreled through my boundaries because that’s not what she wanted. And that was in addition to all the nudging and prodding and pushing she did over the year she was supposed to be on probation. And then she asserted I should have kept her on tumblr until she broke my boundaries again, despite the fact that she had already broken them. I...what?
98. “‘It’s just the process.’ Of what? Violence??? My ex friend is threatening me and I have literal proof of it.”
I most certainly was not threatening her, let alone with violence. I wasn’t even the one who said that, Zach was, and he was referring to the legal progress. Mandy was just looking for literally anything to hold over me, and/or was desperate for me to contact her.
99. “Still see your insta boo.”
Another admission of stalking, since my instagram was private at this point. AND I had deleted all of her dummy accounts off my profile. (Or so I thought, I guess?)
100. “Straight up everyone I showed that post to says I should lock my doors.”
If that’s even true (big doubt), then they’re idiots. Nothing in my facebook post or Zach’s comment suggested physical violence of any kind. Besides, I’m not the one with a history of showing up at people’s houses late at night.
101. “😂 the trash is triggered”
To be honest, I don’t recall exactly what this was referring to. I’m sure it had to do with me, as nothing Mandy said upset Trisha at all. And I was still posting about this on facebook at the time. Mandy’s hateful comments were starting to really get to me. I think I said something like, “when someone you used to trust and care about keeps trying to hurt you, eventually it starts to work.” This person I trusted was sharing my personal information, and was going out of her way to trigger me, and this post of her calling me trash and laughing only proves that it absolutely was her intention to do so, despite her claiming otherwise way in the beginning (see “Texts” section), and that she was getting off on it.
102. “So basically Sophie lied to Zach and said she didn’t give her friend my blog. 😂”
What was that about not using my real name? I guess either she lost what little respect she claimed to have for me or she never respected me in the first place. I’m going with the second one, considering at this point I was not responding to her at all and therefore couldn’t have said or done anything that would have lost that alleged respect. And I didn’t lie to Zach. I would never lie to Zach. I don’t know how Trisha got Mandy’s blog and I don’t care. Mandy’s blog was public.
103. “I can imagine her driving and screaming ‘Praying’ by Kesha with me in mind just like we used to her ex.”
Wow she really wanted me to think about her. I bet she was imagining it. There will only ever be one song that makes me think of Mandy, and you can bet I’ll be laughing my ass off every time I hear it. As for “Praying” specifically? That song will always make me think of Sean. I don’t know what kind of weird distortion Mandy created in her head, but when I would sing “Praying,” it wasn’t fun, or gleeful, or vengeful, or anything like that. It was painful, it was mournful, it was emotional. It was never funny or cathartic for me. It’s always been a sad anthem of loss and trauma. And honestly, how dare she trivialize it. Music has always been a means for me to communicate, share, and just sit in my feelings. The fact that Mandy thought she was on that same level of significance, or that something so powerful to me could suddenly just swap over to her, is only more evidence of how fucking self-centered she is, and the high importance to which she holds herself.
104. “Addison will have to forgive me eventually, even if it’s for herself.”
Lmao. I will never forgive Mandy. Never. And the fact that she posted this only proved that she never actually knew me. While forgiveness works for some, it doesn’t work for me. I don’t forgive people to achieve peace, or anything like that. I just spend less energy hating them and thinking about them over time. For me, inner peace is never forgiving someone. I know not everyone is like that, but that’s how I am. And I’m okay with it. Over time I’ll think about her less and less, I’ll dwell on what she put me through less and less, I’ll get less angry less frequently, but I will never, NEVER forgive her. I think this was just wishful thinking on Mandy’s part.
105. “Honey, you can block me all you want, I’ll always have ‘access’ to your shit. Gonna watch your kids grow up via social media, which hopefully they don’t belong to your ex, and you miscarry any with his DNA.”
Creepy, possessive, invasive. As for my ex, like I said, his children will be wonderful little people. And more wishing ill on me. Definitely not something you say about someone you care about.
106. “It’s crazy that for four years I associated with someone who can’t feel or love.”
Just baiting me, I’m sure. I wasn’t the one acting like a psychopath here.
107. “Might as well go back to being public babe I can see your stuff anyway.”
She was referring to my instagram. It turned out she could still see it, as she would frequently text me in response to things I had posted. I’m not sure how, since I combed through my followers and weeded out any that even looked like bots or dummy accounts. Still, I chose to remain private to keep her from commenting vitriol on my posts. If she could see my posts either way, might as well have it so she couldn’t comment.
108. “It’s just really hard to comprehend that someone you loved so much never cared about you.”
I’m just straight up done responding to these. I’ll continue to post them, but I won’t keep responding, it’s just annoying. For the final time, yes I did love Mandy, and my actions back that up. Clearly, Mandy learned nothing from her texts with Leigh.
109. “My therapist pretty much said she thinks hearing from my ex as well as my ex friend abandoning me unfairly is what’s sending me spiraling.”
I’m not going to invalidate Mandy’s feelings. I’m sure that me ending the friendship hurt her, and I’m sure that hearing from Leigh hurt her (if it’s true). I can understand why that might cause her to spiral. But it was difficult for me to feel sympathetic, considering what she was putting me through, all while intentionally triggering me, spreading my personal information, saying horrible things about me, and then telling me to stop making myself out to be a victim and pretend she was ruining my life.
Also, I would be hard pressed to believe a licensed therapist would use language like this. It’s possible, but improbable. Either Mandy twisted her therapist’s words (highly likely given her history), or she just made the whole exchange up (highly likely given her history).
I didn’t abandon Mandy unfairly. I gave her chance after chance after chance, and she blew them all. She never really changed, never really gave me the space or respect I asked for. And to this point, I wrote a facebook post which was something to the affect of: “You can’t complain if everything going wrong in your life is your own fault.” Which Mandy responded to in three of her following posts.
110. “You abandoning me isn’t my fault. I have been nothing but good to you the last year. You just never loved me enough or at all.”
It absolutely was her fault. I gave her so many chances, so much leeway, and she just never truly changed. She never treated me like a person. I was only ever an object to her. She only ever complained about what I wasn’t doing, and tried to push me to do whatever it was she wanted. She didn’t respect my boundaries or my autonomy. Never. Including the last year. I loved her, but love isn’t always enough, especially when someone isn’t capable of treating you well. You don’t get to treat someone poorly and then cry victim when they walk away. Mandy was the one who destroyed the friendship, I’d just finally had enough to walk away from the wreckage.
111. “And hearing from my ex certainly isn’t my fault there’s no way I could have anticipated that no matter what.” “Seriously please enlighten me as to how hearing from my ex is my fault?!!!”
Easy. While Mandy may not have been able to anticipate it, her ex contacting her was completely her fault. (I would venture to say that, in general, not anticipating something and being to blame for something are not mutually exclusive.) The whole reason Leigh reached out to her was because of what Mandy was doing to ME. Had Mandy not been stalking and harassing me, I’m certain she would have never heard from Leigh. How did Mandy not realize that? It would seem I was not the one making myself out to be a perpetual victim.
112. “I told my friend that Addison called me a narcissist and they go ‘I think that’s the extent of her intellectual vocabulary’ 😂”
Excuse me if I am not offended by some troglodyte who probably flunked out of community college and has probably never left their hometown. For the record, “narcissist” is not an intellectual word. It’s a regular word used in everyday conversation. And if you think “narcissist” is an intellectual word, I am not the person who needs to expand my vocabulary. (Speaking of, in the past, I’ve never failed to notice when Mandy would take a word or phrase that I, myself, would write in a blog post, and then immediately use that same word in the very next post she made. Just saying.) If you have any doubts about the extent of my vocabulary, feel free to read any of my 150 or so blog posts. Or just have a conversation with me. Honestly, you can just read this one (if you dare, it’s super long haha)!
113. “I made two people go private. I’m actually really proud of myself.”
WHY? How fucked up is it that Mandy was proud of herself for making two people privatize their instagram accounts? That’s fucking disgusting. And she thinks I’m the one with serious problems?
114. “People can say what they want about me, but when I finally let my ex go, it was out of love. I loved her therefore I had to let her be.”
Finally being the key word here. It shouldn’t take a person that long to let someone they love go. And stalking and harassing someone isn’t something you do when you love someone. I feel like this is common sense here.
115. “What’s left of my heart is made of gold.”
A Kesha lyric. Her actions say otherwise, but if that’s true, good God I hope she works to make those changes.
116. “*cries that they’re ‘being stalked’*
*posts exactly where they’re staying*
Anyone else see the irony? Just goes to show you’re not being ‘stalked.’”
Actually, no, this only proves that I was being stalked. This post was referring to my instagram, where I posted a picture of where my mother and I were staying for our weekend getaway. My instagram was PRIVATE at this point, and she should not have had any access to it. Not to mention, it’s my right to post where I’m staying. That’s like asking “what were you wearing?” So because I’m posting where I’m staying that gives someone the right to obsessively stalk my social media? (Which she had to be doing in order to see that post to begin with.) She knows my home address too, does that give her the right to show up at my house? I also didn’t even post the exact location of where I was staying, just the name of the place. Someone would have to go to the trouble of looking of the address. I seriously don’t understand how Mandy’s logic works.
117. “I’ve listened to I Did Something Bad legit all week.”
Tee-hee, so cheeky! 🙄
118. “Imagine if I died. My ex friend would literally feel bad for the rest of her life.”
If Mandy died, I’d be sad. It’s always sad when someone dies. But I wouldn’t feel bad for the rest of my life, because I’d know it wsn’t my fault. And I think it’s really sick and disturbing that that’s clearly what Mandy wanted. (See literally all the other times she said if she killed herself it would be my fault.)
119. “I’ve had my therapists and other people ask how my friends are handling this situation and my reaaction to it. And the answer is it depends on the friend. All of them have been empathetic towards me. Some are supportive of the choices I’ve made, some are not. Some are genuinely concerned. It really doesn’t come up much when I’m with friends because I really don’t like talking about it, but my friends do bring it up sometimes and ask how I’m handling it. I’ve definitely gotten a few ‘talks’ from friends. Overall though, my friends have been supportive of me.”
Honestly, I don’t know how true any of this was. I don’t think Mandy has as many friends as she’d have others believe. I’m not even saying that to be mean. I’ve met some of her friends, and some of the people I met she even admitted to me were not really her friends, just people she hung out with sometimes. For the record, I would be empathetic to Mandy too, if she hadn’t been stalking and harassing me. I’d be empathetic to her pain in losing a friend, but the empathy stops there. Anyone who is empathetic towards or supports the choices she made after our friendship ended is also toxic or they don’t know the full extent of Mandy’s harassment. I’m not sure what they’d be concerned about, other than legal implications (and they’d be right!). She didn’t like talking about it? Could have fooled me! She’d posted about it enough. But maybe she didn’t like talking about it because that would have meant acknowledging everything she was doing to me. But yeah, like I said, I don’t believe all of her friends were supportive of her. And if they were, they need help, too. Stalking and harassment are not behaviors people should be empathetic towards, for any reason. There’s definitely one or two people whom I’ve met/know of that I totally believe were supportive of the choices she made, possibly even egging her on. And those people are also insanely fucked up and IMMATURE. I mean, creepiness and psychosis aside, all of Mandy’s actions during this time (and many during our friendship) were super immature, if nothing else.
120. “And what kills me is she holds me having a kid with her ex against me. That isn’t a valid reason to drop me. You knew this when we met. You made the choice to allow me into your life good and well knowing that I ma the mother of his child. So wrong.”
I literally told her I didn’t hold it against her. I didn’t blame her or fault her at all. It’s right there, in the fucking letter. Mandy just liked to twist my words to make me look like the bad guy. Although, for the record, that IS a valid reason to drop someone. Even if you initially were okay with it, there is nothing wrong with deciding you can’t be friends with someone who had your abuser’s child. But like I said, it definitely wasn’t the only reason, or even the main reason, I ended the friendship. And to be clear, I don’t hold any of this against Mandy’s child, who is an innocent party in all this, and I honestly feel terrible for her, because look who her parents are.
(Elaboration: You can change your mind about anything, ever. It’s your right as an autonomous individual. You can decide you’re not okay with something you were before. You can decide you want to end a relationship when you previously wanted it to continue. The world is not black and white, and it’s fucked up and horrid to assert that someone must stick to their guns forever. That’s just not how life works. People change, and people change their minds. What kind of world would we be living in if we didn’t change and grow? Never ever let anyone make you feel this way. It’s almost always driven by narcissism, a need to control, or most likely, both.)
121. "I love my friends so much 😭😭😭😭”
Screenshot of a Text: “We’ve been friends for five years now and you are nothing but genuine, kind, and caring. You are an incredible person and anyone who thinks otherwise has their own issues they need to work out. Granted, I’m not exactly happy with some of your recent actions, but those don’t define you! Don’t let it. You are still wonderful and worthwhile.”
I’m going to be honest, I think Mandy wrote this herself and faked it as a message from someone else. I only say that because I know Mandy’s writing style, and this straight up reads like something she wrote. Nonetheless, I will respond. While Mandy can absolutely be kind and caring, she is not genuine. Everything is a thin facade that slips off as soon as you go against her. That much is clear. The second statement is sweet, but bad advice. It reads like a dismissal of Mandy’s actions (part of why I believe she wrote it herself). I agree that actions in and of themselves don’t define a person, but they certainly contribute. Heavily. If you’re stalking and harassing someone, spreading their personal information, wishing ill on them, etc, that speaks to what kind of person you are. Especially if you continue to choose those kinds of actions. I would say that, the more distantly in the past actions are, the less relevant they are to your identity. By that same token, the more recent the action, the more bearing it has on what kind of person you are. And while you shouldn’t let actions “define you,” you should absolutely acknowledge that this is the person you’re showing to the world, and if it’s not the kind of person you want to be, you should change it. As I always say, the world is not black and white. Personality, “goodness,” can ebb and flow. You can be a bad person one day, and a good person the next. There’s dark and light in all of us. It’s up to us to choose the path we want to try and adhere to.
122. “But if I’m gonna post the good, I gotta post the bad. Obviously this was from days ago.”
Screenshot of a Text: “You want to know the truth? I won’t lie, you are a master manipulator. Do I think that’s intentional? Not sure. You just don’t want people to leave. I believe your mental health and suicidal tendencies are real because I’ve seen you hit that low, but I do think you use them to manipulate others into staying. You did me. I wanted to break up months before we did and I think you knew that. You can’t use your mental health as leverage. Let me be clear, I’m not taking time out of my day to converse with you for you or me. I can’t standby and let you hurt other people, even if it is none of my business, as you pointed out. Whether or not I think you’re bad is irrelevant and frankly none of your business.”
This also reads like something Mandy wrote, but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt and react like it was really Leigh (of which I’m still not convinced). A “master manipulator” is a bit of an exaggeration and phrases it like a compliment (part of why I think Mandy might be behind this one, at the very least). I don’t know about a “master,” but she is certainly a manipulator. I suppose what makes her masterful is that sometimes it was so subtle it flew under my radar. When it was obvious, I always called her out. I do believe that sometimes it was intentional and sometimes it was unintentional. But even unintentional manipulation is inexcusable. Mandy absolutely uses her mental illness to try to guilt people into staying. She did it to me many times, including in some of these posts of hers. I do really appreciate Leigh feeling the need to step in, assuming this is, in fact, Leigh. I have to say I really respect that final line, that how she feels about Mandy is none of Mandy’s business.
123. “As much as I don’t enjoy being vented about, her Facebook is her safe space and I need to let it go.”
If she didn’t enjoy being “vented about,” she shouldn’t have been stalking and harassing me. If she didn’t enjoy being “vented about,” she shouldn’t have been SPYING on my PRIVATE facebook. Simple as that. And despite saying she needed to let it go, she definitely did not.
124. “I always thought I’d never go down this path again after my ex. And the truth is the fact that I did, is making me question some things.”
NOW she’s questioning things? It took this long? I just...ugh. Mandy did almost the exact same thing to her ex five fucking years ago, and she didn’t even learn from it. She didn’t change. Big surprise.
125. Anonymously submitted question: “Are you mad at your ex for involving herself in this circumstance?”
Mandy’s Response: “I’m not angry per se but I do feel that she stuck her nose where it doesn’t belong. The decisions I’ve made post her being in my life are really none of her damn business.”
And yet, Mandy seemed to have no problem sticking her nose in MY business, despite the fact that those parts of my life are no longer any of HER damn business. (Also, I don’t know how many people actually followed Mandy’s blog, but I do think a good chunk of the “anonymous questions” Mandy received, both pre-stalking and during the stalking, were just her messaging herself. Like I’ve said, Mandy did that years ago as well, and considering she has never really changed, I find it highly likely that she never stopped doing it.)
126. “I commented on her friend’s thing today let’s see if I hear about it.”
I have absolutely no idea what she was talking about here. I never heard anything from any of my friends, so either this wasn’t about me or the friend in question never told me. But rest assured, even if I had heard about it, Mandy would not have heard from me. I told her 42 times I wanted zero contact, and after that 42nd time, I ceased contact with her completely. (Save for the one night I was brown-out drunk and depressed as shit.)
127. “She said this on a friend’s post and then abandoned me.”
Screenshot of a facebook Comment (from my PRIVATE FACEBOOK):
“...who just shrug and say this is who I am because I’m mentally ill and deal with it. It gives the rest of us a bad name. I have absolutely had to walk away from people who treated me like shit under the guise of mental illness, and I’m sure people have done the same to me in the past. I would hope that if someone is truly working on themselves, their loved ones wouldn’t abandon them, but if someone is refusing to get the help they need, especially if they then use that illness as an excuse to be shitty, it’s time to walk away.” (The bolded and italicized line was physically underlined by Mandy.)
I don’t remember what I commented this on, but I do remember writing it. A couple things. Firstly, I said “I would hope...their loved ones wouldn’t abandon them.” Not that they can’t or shouldn’t in specific circumstances. Even if I believed that Mandy truly was working on herself, as I said to her, it wasn’t enough for me. She was still hurting me and not being the kind of friend I needed her to be. Second, Mandy underlined the one part of the blurb that applied the least to her. Mandy absolutely hides behind her mental illness, even though she claims otherwise. Yes, at one point she did say to me, “I’m not claiming this is who I am and it’s okay,” but then turned around and said another version of that. She kept going back to how poorly she handles abandonment, and I’m sorry, but that’s not a good enough reason to stalk and harass someone, or try to ruin their relationships, or damage their reputation, etc. I also have severe abandonment issues, and I’ve never done anything remotely close to this shit. Mandy also refused to get the help she needed. Even if she really is in therapy, and really is medicated, she is still refusing to take full accountability and work on the things she clearly needs to work on. The long and short of it is, Mandy was not a good friend to me, and had treated me like crap too many times, regardless of whether she was working on herself or not. That alone is enough to walk away from a damaging friendship. And I certainly wouldn’t call it abandonment, not if the person you’re “abandoning” is the one who caused you to walk away to save yourself.
Side note: Upon re-reading this, I’m realizing that, if I commented this on a friend’s facebook post, that means Mandy was somehow spying on my friend’s facebook pages as well. I have no idea how she could have doing this, but it’s a gross invasion of privacy and really, really disturbing and worrying.
128. “‘Proud to be that person.” You’re not even a person, you’re a monstrosity.”
Oof, ouch, she got me. A monstrosity, so painful. Some of the things Mandy said were definitely hurtful, but those were the deeply personal things she said, usually designed to trigger me. Name-calling has never bothered me. It’s just an immature, desperate tactic. She can call me a monster, monstrosity, sociopath, narcissist, idiot, spoiled brat, bad actor, whatever she wants to, and I don’t care, because I know none of it’s true. Also, I must point out that she was quoting a facebook post of mine, even though just a few posts ago she said she needed to let it go. Guess she couldn’t?
129. “My ‘source’ just cut me off, fabulous.”
So here, Mandy claimed that the person sending her screenshots of my facebook had cut her off. Assuming this was true, at least it meant not everyone in her life supported her lunacy. That being said, I suspected she never actually had someone sending her screenshots. I don’t know how she was able to see my instagram after it was private, but I imagine she used the same thing to see my facebook (and my friend’s facebooks, apparently). I believe the only reason she posted this was because I had stopped posting on facebook about what was going on, and she hoped that I would continue to do so if I thought she couldn’t see. And in fact, my suspicion was proven correct just a week or so later, because she sent me a photo of Sean and me from when we were dating (see “Texts” section) that she would not have been able to get anywhere else other than my facebook page. She also continued to brag on her blog that she could still see all my stuff, so there you go.
130. “I hope Addison is either infertile or miscarries every pregnancy she ever has. Or a stillborn. That’d be even better.”
This is sick, twisted, disgusting, horrible, vile, and definitely not something you wish on someone you “care about.” And that button on the end, “that would be even better,” I don’t know why but it made the whole statement even more unhinged and disturbing to me. I know someone who had a stillborn. That is an unimaginable pain and the fact that Mandy could wish it on anyone truly speaks to what kind of person she is.
131. “I mean she’s not a total dumbass she got into NYU, and she’s not stupid as a person so idk, but it still doesn’t compare to Daddy going to Harvard or Mommy going to Yale.”
This had me cackling. My mom never went to Yale, and I have no idea where she got that information. My mother went to Brown, and then NYU Law. My father went to SUNY Binghamton, and then Harvard Law. Not to mention, they were both studying to be lawyers. I studied acting. Completely different. I didn’t go to NYU for academic clout. I did, however, get into the third best acting school in the world, and I didn’t even apply to Juilliard or RADA (numbers 1 and 2, respectively). My parents were and are extremely proud of me for that, so Mandy can suck my ass. Also, genetics exist. My parents are some of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met all my life. And while that doesn’t guarantee that I’m a genius by any means, I am, quite literally, made of the same stuff, so it would certainly suggest that I’m “not stupid as a person,” as Mandy so eloquently put it.
132. “Not being able to see fb makes me sad.”
Just a repeat of her claiming she couldn’t see facebook anymore. Like I said, I think she just wanted me to see that so I’d keep posting about her. Otherwise, why would she have posted it twice? It didn’t matter either way, because I had stopped posting about Mandy, not because I knew she could see it, but because I don’t want to be like her. I don’t want to be passive aggressive on social media, and I didn’t want to give her any more ammo to hurt me with. Plus the legal stuff was already underway, and I didn’t want to interfere with that.
133. “As long as you have undeserving people in your life, I’ll be there too baby doll.”
Another repeat. I’ll reiterate. a) It’s not up to Mandy to decide who “deserves” to be in my life and who doesn’t. I’m an autonomous person, and those decisions are mine alone to make. b) This language is possessive and controlling. c) Her use of the pet name “baby doll” is disgusting and it gave me the heebie-jeebies.
134. “Yoooo the look on my friends face when I told her that my ex friend called me a narcissist was to die for. 😂😂😂 She’s literally a social worker and she goes “IN WHAT UNIVERSE?! 😂”
Okay so right off the bat, I don’t think this interaction ever happened. Like most of the supposed interactions Mandy had with her friends and then posted about. But even if it did happen, just because Mandy’s friend has not seen that side of her doesn’t mean it isn’t there. And social workers are not qualified to diagnose personality disorders. That is not what a social worker does.
Regardless of whether this interaction happened or not, I’ve lost track of the number of times Mandy mentioned the whole narcissist thing on her blog, so it clearly left an impact on her. And while I can’t deny the small amount of satisfaction I get knowing I said something that really bothered her (and after everything she did to me, I think that’s more than understandable), I honestly hope that she cogitates on why it bothers her so much, chooses to examine her feelings, and contemplates why I believe she’s a narcissist. I want everyone to grow and become a better person. But you have to admit there’s a problem in order to fix it, and I don’t know if Mandy is capable of that.
135. “...I don’t feel Addison ever loved or cared about me, and if they did, they stopped years ago. They both strongly disagree with me on this, they both pointed out that this doesn’t appear to have been a spur of the moment decision and that ‘if she didn’t care it wouldn’t have gone on as long as it did.’ I disagree, but maybe I’ll feel differently in the future, who knows. My friends’ concerns are a little different, they’re more concerned that I’m going to have regrets. After all, some of them were there for everything with my ex, and saw the regret I faced after everything had already gone down. They don’t want to see that for me again. And in this case, I don’t have the option of forgiveness, despite the fact that they forgive everyone else.”
This was part of a longer post, but I cut out the top half because I don’t think it’s relevant, and it has to do with Mandy’s personal therapy. But I am going to break down this second half.
“I don’t feel Addison ever loved or cared about me, and if they did, they stopped years ago. They both strongly disagree with me on this, they both pointed out that this doesn’t appear to have been a spur of the moment decision and that ‘if she didn’t care it wouldn’t have gone on as long as it did.’ I disagree, but maybe I’ll feel differently in the future, who knows.”
Skipping right over that first sentence (as I said, I’m done addressing it), it is true that if I didn’t care about Mandy at all, this definitely would not have gone on as long as it did. I gave her so many chances because I did care about her and I did want it to work out. The truth is, I did stop loving her, maybe in February of 2020, which I believe is when I went to visit my friends in Virginia. She ruined my weekend by blowing up my phone and picking fights with me because I was in Virginia spending time with my friends and wasn’t making time to talk to her on the phone. She had also bullied me into going on a trip (that I really didn’t want to go on) and we were having issues about itinerary. I wanted to spend one fucking day (out of six) with someone I was seeing long distance, and she was super pouty about it. (Looking back it’s just more evidence of how self-centered she is.) I kept telling her we’d work it out when I got home, but shocker, she couldn’t respect that. That was the moment I stopped loving her, because that was when it became apparent to me she wouldn’t change. But I stayed and agreed to give her that third and final chance, and a probation she never respected, because I did still care about her very much, and thought maybe if she really was able to change after all, that love would come back.
“My friends’ concerns are a little different, they’re more concerned that I’m going to have regrets. After all, some of them were there for everything with my ex, and saw the regret I faced after everything had already gone down. They don’t want to see that for me again.”
And again, everything goes back to Mandy’s feelings. It’s not about the fact that she’s stalking and harassing someone. They’re concerned about her regrets later on. Maybe Mandy’s environment contributes to her narcissism? I’m sure it’s inborn, but having friends make everything about your feelings and not the feelings of the person you’re hurting can’t help. I know that if it was me, I would 100% be condemning Mandy’s actions, and would probably even refuse to talk to her about it at a certain point as long as she was still doing it. (Though, to be honest, I don’t think I’d ever be friends with someone who was capable of this.)
“And in this case, I don’t have the option of forgiveness, despite the fact that they forgive everyone else.”
I don’t understand how this is relevant. Whether or not Mandy had the “option of forgiveness” should have had no bearing on whether or not she decided to continue stalking and harassing me.
I also don’t “forgive everyone else,” and her constantly saying that really pissed me off. In the recent past, there have been four friendships of mine that have ended.
One was Trisha, whom I did choose to forgive.
One was my high school sweetheart, whom I chose to forgive only because our friendship is complicated, and while he didn’t handle things correctly, I completely understand why he made the choices he did, and we’ve worked through everything. He also completely understands that, should he ever make that choice again, our friendship will be over for real, and he will not get another chance.
One was a friend of mine from high school, who assaulted me while we were on a walk in the woods. I have not forgiven him and will never forgive him. The assault wasn’t violent or anything, and I didn’t go off on him at all. I just quietly walked away from our friendship because he crossed a boundary of mine no one can come back from. He’s reached out to me once or twice, but has received no reply from me. I don’t know if he understands why our friendship ended, but I hope he does. He’s genuinely not a bad person, and I hope he takes what happened as a learning opportunity to grow from.
And the last one is “Claire,” my best friend of twenty years, whom I will most definitely never forgive for the rest of my life.
These were all vastly different circumstances, and as such, invoked different responses from me. I don’t know where Mandy gets this idea that I just throw some sort of forgiveness blanket over everyone and leave her out in the cold. It’s just false. But it fits Mandy’s narrative, so she continues to assert it.
136. “Love how my ex friend can just [get] away with straight up threatening me, meanwhile I’ve never done that to her but I’m the bad one. Even though her threats have zero meaning but still.”
I never threatened Mandy, as I’ve already discussed. She chose to interpret perfectly innocent statements as threats of violence, but that doesn’t make them threats of violence. Meanwhile, I would assert that over the course of these three weeks, Mandy said much more threatening things to or about me. Never direct threats, but definitely threatening language. If you’re hopping around in this post, literally just scroll to anywhere, and you’ll find a whole bunch. Besides all of this nonsense of her claiming I threatened her (which again, I didn’t), the fact is that YES, Mandy WAS the bad one. She was stalking me, harassing me, spreading personal information about me, spying on my private social media pages, harassing my friends, trying to cause rifts in my relationships, etc. Those are some pretty fucked up things to do. I did NONE of those things. I ended a friendship. That’s fucking it. So yeah, I’m comfortable calling Mandy the “bad guy” on this one.
137. “But forreal what if I need Addison someday and need to get in touch with her it’s only right for her to be there.”
What could she possibly need me for that she couldn’t contact someone else for? What could she possible need to get in touch with me about? Apparently she has all these great friends in her life, she can call them. It’s not my responsibility to be friends with someone, or to be there for someone who has only treated me badly. Mandy will never “need” to get in touch with me. She may want to get to in touch with me. And I do not want that. I will never, ever want that ever again. And the fact that she made it all about how she might need me after everything she’s done doesn’t help her case in the “I’m not a narcissist” department.
138. “People can say what they want but my ex friend had an obligation to stay in my life and still does.”
Another buzz word! I will say it again. I do not have any obligation to stay in anyone’s life, especially if they are not good to me, but even if they are. I am an autonomous person and do not owe anyone my presence in their life. If someone thinks they are owed a relationship with me, that is incredibly self-centered and narcissistic, and the problem lies with them, not with me.
139. “Honestly she should’ve gotten rid of every pregnancy she’s had.”
I know this couldn’t be about me, since I’ve never been pregnant. I’m going to assume it’s about Trisha, since Trisha was really the only other person Mandy posted about on her blog during this time (aside from Leigh). If that’s the case, Mandy was literally saying Trisha should have aborted my goddaughter, Lexi. And that is some really messed up shit.
140. “A friend sent this to me today. *cough cough this goes out to you Sophie Rose*”
Screenshot of a Post: “You can delete me, block me, unfriend me, and even unlove me, but you will never forget me.”
Disturbing to say the least. She also dropped my real name again, this time including my middle name. How lovely!
141. “Wonder if she’s figured out that she’s essentially stuck dealing with me yet.”
To answer this, I had already figured out that I would be stuck dealing with Mandy until she got tired of it, unless I did something about it. Which is why I began pursuing legal action about a week prior to this post. Really unsettling that Mandy was intent on stalking me forever, though.
142. “I bet you she did try to stab him with scissors.”
Another intentionally triggering post. This was in reference to a story my abuser would often tell people - that I tried to stab him with scissors. It’s not true, it’s something he told people to make me out to be crazy, and he even admitted that to me himself the final time we got back together. But of course, Mandy decided to try and really hurt me one last time, and she did so by bringing up a painful memory and trigger, as well as by insinuating I am crazy in the very same style of my abuser. A combo move! Kind of impressive honestly, if it wasn’t so disgusting.
143. “There is nothing in this world that will ever convince me that what my ex friend did is okay. She had no right to make the choice she did. But I could’ve handled things differently as well.”
You know what? I’m okay with that. Mandy is entitled to her opinions. I don’t want or need her forgiveness or understanding. I feel completely secure and justified in how I chose to handle this at every step. I had every right to make the choice to end our friendship. As an autonomous individual, it is my right to end a relationship with anyone I choose, regardless of the reasoning behind it, though my reasoning happened to be pretty fucking sound in this case.
I find the fact that Mandy is so preoccupied with how I chose to handle things, yet so dismissive of her own choices, further proof of my NPD theory. “But I could’ve handled things differently as well” might be the understatement of the year.
After this last post, Mandy made her blog private, so unfortunately, I can’t respond to any more of her posts, which is a shame because man I’d like to. I mean, I could, but UNLIKE Mandy, I respect people’s privacy, and I’m just not the kind of person to ignore boundaries like that. I would never attempt to spread things people said to me in confidence, or things they wrote in a space they feel safe in, just because I have negative feelings towards them. She privatized her blog after she discovered my parents had hired a PI (she posted about it), so I believe that’s the reason why, especially considering she also stopped contacting me at the same time. Later, she deleted almost everything she wrote about me anyway. She did not realize that I had already obtained screenshots of everything. Everything. And they will stay in a folder in my files, in case I ever need to take her to court again.
This is just SOME of all the crap this crazy person put me through over the course of THREE WEEKS. Like I said, I didn’t include random messages, like messages she sent to “unnerve” me, or messages responding to posts I made on my instagram. I also didn’t include things she said directly to my loved ones, as that’s not my place to share. But to recap, Mandy created AT LEAST: 43 phone numbers, 32 tumblr accounts, 6 instagram accounts, and over 150 blog posts about me (many of which were targeted at me directly). She also called me anywhere from 100 to 130 times, both on my cell phone and my home phone. AND she created even more phone numbers and accounts (that I unfortunately cannot possibly keep track of) to harass some of my friends. All over THREE FUCKING WEEKS.
This kind of behavior is inexcusable. This kind of behavior is incredibly disturbing, and frankly, worrisome. A person who is capable of this kind of thing is not someone anyone should trust or want to be around. Trying to blow up someone’s relationships, sharing personal information, invading private social media, engaging in a constant stream of harassment, intentionally triggering someone, etc..these are the actions of a severely unbalanced person. This shit is SCARY. If someone is capable of doing all these things, it’s impossible to know what else they are capable of (as if all this wasn’t bad enough on its own).
I sincerely hope Mandy grows from all of this. More importantly, I sincerely hope I never ever hear from her again. I hope our paths never cross. And should she pick up where she left off when the TPO expires, I am completely prepared to not only start at the very beginning and refile for a TPO, but to take it to trial as well. I am determined to keep myself safe and sane at all costs. I hate that I will never be able to get rid of those screenshots and files. I hate that I will always have the memory of this, of her. Re-reading everything as I edited this post, has only reminded me just how horrifying, how base, how psychotic, everything she said and did was. I know I’ll be okay, but it’s going to be a long time before I fully move on from this, and it’s going to be a long time before I won’t be afraid that she’s going to contact me again. But with this post (as well as the fourth and final installment of this “series”), I feel I will have finally achieved catharsis, and the healing can begin.
Business as usual.
night night besties i’ll let y’all know if i get jumped tomorrow <3
How to Deal with the Workplace Manipulator
Who is the Workplace Manipulator? If you have been in the workforce 💼 for one year, 🗓️ then you have met the workplace manipulator.😏 If you are starting your career, 🏁 then you need to be aware of the manipulator. 🙃 So, why don’t watch the video 🎞️ and receive some tips 💡 and on how to deal with these challenges. My strategies ♛ are simple and effective. They help you position yourself well…
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(this is all just venting stuff/feel free to ignore)
so like. someone has anonymously been harassing me. sending me repeated texts telling me i have been exposed to an std, trying to hack into my social media accounts (i ended up deleting all of them except this and insta, which i'm too afraid to log onto now), and then they called my therapist's office, pretended to be me, and canceled my appointments. then tonight, someone called and left one of those voicemails where they breathe heavy into the phone and moan, then texted me calling me baby and saying i'm sexy and a bunch of weird shit. they use a different number/location every time so i have no idea who it is and the cops will just be useless and dismissive.
so idk if i'm being stalked or not?? but anyway,,,,
I can't wait to meet an actual respectful man who understands harassment and consent
Diplo sues former partner for alleged harassment
By Bang Showbiz May 1, 2021 Share this article: ShareTweetShareShareShareEmailShare Diplo is suing his former partner for alleged stalking, trespassing, and distribution of private materials, just a few months after he got a restraining order against her. The 42-year-old DJ has filed a lawsuit against Marchel Gabrielle Auguste – whom he had a brief consensual relationship with in 2019 – for…
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New Article: Using empathy to see past stereotypes
I recently watched a mind-blowing TED Talk on the topic of prejudice. What I found so moving was the way the speaker, Paul Bloom, explained prejudice in such simple terms, and what’s more, how he prescribes two simple life hacks for dismantling your own prejudiced thinking. One of the life hacks Dr. Bloom talks about is appealing to the power of empathy. The truth is, when presented facts and…
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For my final paper in my film criticism class, I’m doing a comparison between Blue Velvet, The Graduate, and Risky Business, and I was researching older reviews, I was already aware of how much people skim over Dorothy’s assault on Jeffrey in the former, but Roger Ebert’s second review of The Graduate caught me completely off guard.
The only character in the movie who is alive--who can see through situations, understand motives, and dare to seek her own happiness--is Mrs. Robinson
She seduces Benjamin not out of lust but out of kindness or desperation.
My dude, she cornered him in her daughter’s room, completely naked, and refused to let him leave.
i got scammed, this person literally lied to me (and others) abt needing money, i donated it to them, that person then went on to turn an entire fandom on someone for a dumb comment (while simultaneously sending dms to that same person saying it was fine and that their comment wasn’t a big deal)
then months later i make a throwaway comment with no identifiable information on a completely different platform bc i’d seen smth from them that reminded me how they scammed me, and now i got a legion of ppl not only coming to me, but everyone that interacts w me saying i’m a monster for doubting someone who scammed me and others before
like, fuck off, honestly