I told the stars about you
But you told the stars about her
And she fell in love with you
And you fell in love with her
Now you two are together and happy
And I’m over here damaged and broken
~L
2My life’s always been a mistake.
From the moment of my accidental conception..
To my pointless existence now..
And until my long anticipated death.
10I’ve worked so hard for my own wellness and happiness, then you came and ripped it all away from me and now I find myself slipping back to old self-destructive behaviours and getting lost in my own unworthiness again
0I want to be in love again. I want that feeling of happiness, I want to feel like I’m the luckiest person in the world to be with the person who loves me back, I want them to make me laugh, to cuddle up to me at night, to make me feel safe.
But my knack for falling out of love without notice and without knowing why scares me too much. The way I can just wake up and no longer love an amazing person,- even if it’s been years- makes me think that I can’t love someone long enough to be married to them.
And I don’t think anyone should be put through my bullshit
2I found him. The one who truly love me more than anything.
“I love you so much. I swear to God to make you mine till the rest of my life. I don’t want anybody else, but you”, he said.
Those words, hurts me. If only I could love him as much as he loves me, I wouldn’t have a plan to leave him in the future. I’m a mess..
Please, give me a try to love you deeper like I used to do at the first time we met.
0“I wonder sometimes, do you ever think of me and where I might be? Miss the stories we shared or the symphonies we sang? I guess what I’m wondering is, do you miss us like I do? Or did you forget us the day you walked away.”
-k.aiden
12He messaged me again..
I didn’t open it. Just read what I could see in the little drop-down preview. So he can’t see that I saw it..
It feels only the tiniest bit less stiffling, crippling, than the last time.
It makes me confused.. and engaging just makes me confused and hurts.
It’s like there’s coexisting, conflicting realities, and when I talk to him I don’t know what’s real anymore..
Is there a word for that? Or some.. thing?
Feeling like there’s two separate realities, and not being sure which one is real or what parts from each are real..
For the thing where it’s like my brain is still trying to protect and defend him.. even when it’s just the thoughts in my head.. like even thinking certain thoughts, or feeling certain levels of angry, or thinking of telling people about things that ACTUALLY happened, makes me feel anxious and guilty..
like even with just thinking it.. there’s this weird anxious, shame feeling.. like he might find out I had that thought, and would be hurt or angry that I thought that, and it would be a betrayal..
And it’s so deeply planted in there that I honestly get confused when I try to think about it too much, or when I try to look at some of the feelings I’m having..
I don’t know how to let myself feel them, it feels like I can’t. Like emotionally it feels like I CAN’T, like crippling, life will be over, devastating kind of feels, and I don’t understand..
It makes me feel.. wrong. Like everything is kind of wrong. And the only thing right was being with him, except that didn’t feel right anymore either because it hurt. But it’s like it almost doesn’t matter because leaving was still wrong. And I don’t.. understand what is happening to my brain..
I don’t know what to do with this.. I feel like I’m broken..
2I give you my trust back and you break it again, i keep telling myself that you’ll change but you never do and in the end im hurt and still in love with you.
1I don’t think it ever mattered how much I loved you.
I don’t think it would have ever mattered.
I wish I had died before meeting you.
3Day 0: 5.23 am
It’s getting more difficult to live as the seconds tick by.
I lie awake crying.
Hoping the pain doesn’t catch me after tonight
0
