—was she worth all of this pain?—
.L.m.P.
Why can she talk to everyone else… But me…
I didn’t do anything… 😔
…why did you leave me and treat me this bad…
Weird… She was active on Facebook messenger earlier and now on Instagram
And yeah she hardly used those so
I wonder who she’s talking to
I just wish I had the truth
I think I have to delete her off everything because I just can’t keep checking her socials
I’m just a pathetic piece of shit who craves love more than anything in this universe and I’m never going to get it.
You said yesterday, if you saw me in person you’d just end up more confused
…
Wow…
Does that mean… You want to rid feelings for me? So you can be with him?
How could you do that to me… After all the hard promises
Even at the Applebee’s bar (which you deemed our place now) I was looking at you skeptical and you said you were serious, that you really want this, us, that you want us to be forever and not a fling.
I told you to be honest if it was a fling because I’d be okay with that. Considering you just broke up with your boyfriend (who you now have feelings for again) and you said strongly, adamantly, promising that you have seriously no feelings for him and are disgusted by him for real
It took me a while to budge
And I regret it now… Don’t I?
You lied
You broke everything
You did everything you said you wouldn’t
You did everything I warned you I thought would happen due to my history as well as yours and all the shit I been through
You knew I was sensitive to it
But
You fucked me. The person you knew you could never fuck, cause it would destroy him
I was right about everything
Why the gestures of blocking guys for me?
Why sending messages I told you not to cause they were too mean to the dudes. Although you probably took it back and are friends with all of them again
I didn’t make you do any of that. I was surprised you did that for me just on your own accord. I liked it when you blocked thirsty dudes but yeah,
Why did you when you actually left me in the end
You did so many things to prove your loyalty
I remember saying I don’t trust you in the beginning. Not in a cheating way but. Just cause, cause you messaged an old crush that you would suck his dick or whatever. That made me lose so much of you
But you came back and it was so good. Everything was getting so good
How are you capable of not missing me?
…
Are you just holding back from messaging me?…
Or do you really just not care about me anymore that much?!
It’s been 3 days
And it was you who chased after me, wanted to be with me. I said I’m broken, you said that’s what you want and you’re broken as well
Why do I miss you this much?! You hurt me!
What the fuck have you done to me?!
How are you so GOOD at this?!
“They think they know us and what we’ve gone through. All the late night talks and random conversations. They think they know us, but they don’t. They don’t know you’re hatred for peanut butter, your hate for your middle name around christmas. All of the promises you made me. The secret glances and the “I love you” texts. The way you’d look at me like I was the best thing to ever happen to you. They don’t know the way your lips felt on mine with promises of forever. No, they don’t know us, and they never will. They’ll never know us and they’ll never know you like I do. How your eyes are the prettiest shade of blue. The way your hugs feel after a long day. How your tough guy act always makes me laugh, cause you’re such a sweetheart around me. Your hatred for crying around others in fear they are seeing you as weak. The way your smile always lights up a room, even when it was fake. They don’t know your drunk thoughts and how they turn into sober words. How you once told me you were going to marry me one day”. That I was perfect for you and you couldn’t wait for forever. Even when you told me you “you’re gonna have my kids”. They’ll never know you. Not like I do.
-what i should have said
I think this is all bullshit and she’s doing this, avoiding me, to try to get over me
Oh my god
After everything she did to get me… After how reluctant I was, knowing my history and past… Knowing how other girls have hurt me… After all that, and still telling me she wants me and she’ll never hurt me like they did, saying “you just need to find a non crazy bitch, a good person” and she wanted to be with me, after how hard it was for me to say yes to being official…
After that…
She still hurt me in the way the other girls did… You went with another guy
My God. We were together every day. Talking, together, video chatting, you took every opportunity to see me, snuck out to see me, I snuck out to see you.
You wanted me so bad
And literally overnight, yes, no exaggeration, overnight you discarded me.
You fucking bitch dude. That’s so fucked up. I can’t even discard feelings for another person in a month, let alone a night… Especially when you were THAT heavily into me. To the point you said you never chased someone this hard EVER. except for one guy. But other than him, your ex, you wanted me. And you spoiled me so great. I fell for you.
The things you said. Even when I almost let you go… You cried and wouldn’t allow it, you called me non-stop.
How did you turn around and just toss me?
You got feelings for the ex you talked so much shit about.
Why’d you even call him?…
What did I not do for you?! Where was I not good enough?! What’s he got that I don’t?! You said I was better in almost every way!
You used to say you love me!
We went through our growing pains of our relationship, we never fought, we learned each other
How did you keep praising me until overnight you just completely stopped
You left me on read today for the first time. I for the first time didn’t get a Snapchat from you asking “what you doing?” I for the first time got nothing from you
You broke my heart worse than another girl. Do you know that? You’ll never see these messages, but
I’m so
I can’t believe you!
I’m crying so hard
“My soul has gone rogue
the day you left
the day i died
my heart, no longer a heart
merely an empty vessel
The flowers have wilted
and the memories of you
only haunt
the fragility of a heart
and the sorrow
of you.”
Sorrow of You // J.A.
You care about yourself only so much now that you don’t even have the thought to check up on me. After what you did to me
You need to cope?
What the fuck about me?
I didn’t fuck this up. You did
As much as I would absolutely LOVE to stay up all night again and finish season 3 of Riverdale like I did last night/this morning with season 2, I really need to not. And go to bed 😂💜
Sleep easy kids.
It hurts to look at you.
I am slowly getting over this. I notice it – that one day I may think of only you once or twice instead of the way you constantly used to be on my mind. It feels like some sort of fog has cleared, and behind it is everything I left behind - right in its place - when I went after you. I return to the piled up crates I eat my lunch on. I fill up the spot my friends have made for me. My Fridays are suddenly free, and I look forward to trying out the volleyball activity they have after school. The conversations on my phone shift back, my recents full of my best friend, my other friends. I have to scroll down quite a bit to see your name pop up again. I focus on my work because I want to focus on it, not as a distraction to wait for your next reply.
But sometimes, when my work is done, or when my friends are busy, or when the night is much, much too quiet, I find myself thinking of you. I catch myself doing it, a moment of clarity in an autopilot sequence my mind has set itself to. I wonder if you’re still up. What are you doing? Who are you talking to?
How are you feeling about all of this?
Arriving at this question is like clockwork now. It stays at the back of my mind, ready to strike when I am unguarded and vulnerable. How do you feel about this? Do you feel bad? Hurt? Does your chest thud in that dull way mine does whenever I look at you?
The answer I want is yes. I want to hear from you that yes, it does hurt me. Yes, I do miss you. Yes, it hasn’t been easy. Because maybe I’ll feel better about it happening to me.
But I glance over to your table more than I’d like to admit, and I see you laughing with your friends. I don’t see a moment where you’re down, and I can’t help the ache in my chest. Didn’t I leave enough of an impression on you that you’d be hurting too? If what this had been was two people liking each other, why does it feel like I’m facing its aftermath alone?
They are selfish thoughts, I know. They are unproductive and do not help me, do not help me to be around you when I need to be. I want them to never see the light of the day but they will fester. I can only let them ride out their ugly, ugly course until they are just a thought I once had, an echo from a faraway time.
It’ll get better. One day it won’t look to hurt at you anymore. It just takes time.
Type a message…
I only wish that time would go faster.
i saw you for the first time in months and i wanted to say “hi, i missed you and i love you so so much,” but i didn’t have the right to say that anymore. instead i feigned a smile and said a simple “hello.”
you glanced at me for a moment, said my name, and turned away.
it’s stupid really, but i don’t like the way you said my name. it sounded so strange and foreign and it didn’t feel right because you’ve never called me by my name before. it was always some strange nickname that was so sweet and cheesy to the point that it was vomit-inducing. i‘d roll my eyes at you and brush it off, but as silly as those nicknames were, i loved them almost as much as i loved you.
- you called me by my name and that’s when i knew i lost you.
I didn’t think you’d stop caring about me INSTANTLY
…
I thought if that happened it’d be slower
But wow you just instantly killed it
I can’t do that
Idk what kind of mental illness allows someone to do that. I didn’t think you’d do that to me
Can’t believe you thought someone else was better than me… To you…
I can’t believe you were that person
After everything you did to make us a thing.
Goodbye
Cruel.
Fucking evil.
