I’m honestly happy for him, that he found someone who’s right for him, that he was able to process all his trauma in order to be in a public relationship, that he feels comfortable enought to explore that with her. But at the same time it hurts that it couldn’t be with me. The whole time I was falling for him, he was falling for someone else and that’s just a shitty feeling for me. And it was beautiful, and he gave me many things, like my first queer relationship, and comfortable sex, but I still wish it wasn’t over and I feel like this hurt is gonna sit with me a long time and weasle it’s way under my skin and the next time someone holds my hand I’ll wonder for how long until the right person comes along.

For him;

If I could go back in time I would tell you

that I loved you the moment I realized it.

We were sitting on the grass,your hand was on

my thigh and you weren’t looking at me.

You were looking at the trees above us while

I was looking at you.

In that moment you were the most amazing

thing I had ever seen in my whole life

Nothing could top that.

I should have told you then.

I might have regretted it later,but not in that moment.

At least you would have known I truly cared.

I would have told you something like “I want to

tell you that I am in love with you before you

break my heart.I know you will.”

I knew it from the start.

From the moment I first looked into your eyes.

I just felt it.

It wasn’t meant to last.

And it didn’t.

-me;

i go back to the start and i think of all the love you had for me. i think of the way you looked at me with so much adoration and love. i don’t recognise you anymore. i don’t know what happened to you. i don’t know what happened to us.

where did we go wrong?

it’s been a month, when will we talk again like we used to? will we even do it ever again?

i thought we had something that could last forever, but after almost a decade of knowing each other i understand how my perception may have been slightly ludicrous.

it hurts to do a lot some days.

it hurts knowing that despite how much shit we went through we still had each other’s backs without the presence of romance to bind us together. that bond which i thought we shared which i realise know was so easily tossed aside.

it’s the fact that despite spending nights talking till 1am and discussing projects for the future you’d now rather hang out with a group of girls you’ve spent the last two years barely talking to while i stew in whatever thoughts my brain wants to drown me in. did you know then to that that future was never going to occur?

despite being cruel enough to act as though nothing is wrong, you still have enough effort to feed me lie after lie about how you haven’t the time to see me and yet are still to lazy to hide the evidence of your indiscretions.

but above all else it hurts me knowing that you’re happy without me there, knowing you couldn’t care less about my happiness and yet im so happy that you yourself are finding it.

the only thing that tares me up more then you leaving is the knowledge that you found me so disposable, but for the years of friendship you gave me, i still wish you a happy future.

“..In the first place, his startling likeness to Catherine connected him fearfully with her. That, however, which you may suppose the most potent to arrest my imagination, is actually the least: for what is not connected with her to me? And what does not recall her? I cannot look down to this floor, but her features are shaped in the flags! In every cloud, in every tree- filling the air at night, and caught by glimpses in every object by day- I am surrounded with her image! The most ordinary faces of men and women- my own features- mock me with a resemblance. The entire world is a dreadful collection of memoranda that she did exist, and that I have lost her.”

-Heathcliff to Nelly

Emily Brontë, Wuthering Heights.

running my hands through your hair, getting lost in your curls

I need help.

Should I go to Florida like planned even tho we were going for my sisters wedding that’s not happening anymore, or should I go back to New Orleans like I planned in the first place and see him again? Should I put myself thru that again? 😏 I just miss him so much but I don’t know if he wants to see me too

You left me like I was nothing to you not even a tiny bit

My worst fear has happened: she took you away from me. She won.

The sun, the starlight,

Have met completely by chance.

The wall in between,

Separates the love they have,

Yet they still find each other.

The sun, the starlight,

Meeting again at sunset.

The sun holds a rose,

The starlight holds her bruised heart,

And the moon, waiting, hopeful.

My sun, my starlight

Breaking away at sunrise

What was once the night

Now slipping through our fingers

And the moon loses all hope

I’ll always love you from afar, but that’s okay

I wiesz co? W dzisiejszym świecie, ludzie bardziej się gubią i zapominają o tym, że nie ma czasu, na niszczenie komuś życia, bo w pewnym sensie nasz czas jest od dawna ograniczony.

I don’t know what’s scarier, falling for you or loosing you

What if I were to message her now and she didn’t reply. Or worse. She told me she could no longer speak to me that she’s found someone else. Better. This is what torments me when I think of messaging her. I want to but I feel like it’s too late. And I don’t want to know.