I deserve better
and so do you
but I really don’t know
how to see it through
you have your own stakes
and a life in disguise
with the boldness of youth
still pinging your eyes
and I want to reach in
to comfort your fears
but uncertainty aims
to hold on some more years
so we’ll go on like this
in purgator dreams
until time catches up
in deserving what seems
responsible for
a new fare and ride
that we no longer
shy ways and hide
.
One day you will find someone who will show you why it never worked with anyone else
It breaks my heart to see a good number of people thinking Dillon is jetpac11. Of course, no hate towards them. Again, most people on the insta are kids and they have the right to their theories. I guess people might think Dillon faked his redemption, but I feel bad that they think he’s still the same bully from years ago.
Had a breakup with my gf that I’m still fucking inlove with and sadly the only thing my ed mind is thinking Is using it to my advantage to say “I’m not hungry” like can I just be sad for once without thinking about excuses to not eat
Can’t you see you are all I want? I don’t want someone new!! There’s no one in this universe like you. It may pass days, months, years… I will wait for you my whole life
Sharing your life with someone is supposed to be hard. It takes effort. But not all the effort we put so we could be in a relationship is healthy.
My struggle has always been with honesty. I tend to withhold information or outrightly lie when I know the truth would not reflect good on me. That partly comes from a place of fear: I’m afraid I’ll be rejected for the things I am and for the things I’m not. And also, it comes partly from a place of narcissism: I’m too lazy to change, I don’t like having to explain or be accountable for the things I do because I don’t like not doing what I feel like doing.
If you have a bad relationship with the truth like that, you’ll gravitate towards a relationship that would coddle you. That doesn’t mean a relationship that doesn’t expect much of you. Rather, you would want to be in one in which you are expected to do stuff, as long as you’re in control of what they are.
If you’re that combination of image-obsessed and self-absorbed, you would actively curate those expectations. You’ll actively put up an idea of yourself for that person to love instead of you. You’ll be combative about that idea if the partner accuses you of being other than what that idea is. Even if she’s right.
You would do so much to hide the bad stuff about you. You’ll lie. You’ll deflect. But the worst part is that that insecurity with the truth about yourself and the things you do doesn’t just make you do more bad stuff, it also colors the supposedly good things you do.
In managing your “brand”, you would do and give stuff to your partner to keep your good guy facade up even while you indulge in all the bad stuff you’re doing. In your head, you are thinking that *this* is you, not the person doing all the bad things. But subconsciously, all you are doing is trying to atone for the bad things you do. Not that so she will forgive you, but so you could get away without admitting anything.
Perhaps the good things you do and say come from a sincere place. Maybe you really show your love through gifts and elaborate surprises. But when she wises up to who you really are and what you really do when she’s not looking: does it matter? She would look back at everything with a tainted lens, holding all the “good stuff” in suspicion. And she would be right for it. You can’t be trusted. You shouldn’t be trusted.
All that effort managing the truth and your image could have instead been spent working on the relationship. Listening to her instead of hating her for talking about stuff that doesn’t involve you or your idea of the relationship. Doing stuff she likes not because of how it would reflect on you, but because she likes doing it. Instead of planning surprises, you get to enjoy planning with her. Instead of giving elaborate gifts, you give yourself. Your actual self. Not a painting to admire. Not a list of characteristics upon which you want her to sign off.
That’s why without actively working on your relationship with the truth: without admitting your tendencies to lie and cheat, and without actively trying to change it, you can’t really be happy in a relationship. Owning up to it and deviating from your self-curation and truth-denial would perhaps hurt your chances of being accepted by people you hope would love you, but if it would lead you to someone who’s willing to work through it with you, it would be worth all the shallow parodies of joy you missed out on.
There’s always that person you wanna share all the good and bad things that happen in your life. There’s always that person you wanna make soo happy and feeling loved, appreciated and cared. There’s always that person you wanna spend your days with and talk about the world. There’s always that person you wanna give everything of you and just hear about her day, even the small things. There’s always that person who make you smile so easily like nobody else and your chest completely warm. There’s always that person you want in your life forever.
“I need you back,
Come ignite my soul,
I can’t be alone anymore.”
- My lonely bones need your love
Searching for an unconditional love because I wasn’t ever given one. I’ve had tastes and touches of that feeing, I’m dying to be loved. I can see why women get into shitty relationships chasing after this feeling. Because no one ever loved them. I am far too logical, I won’t start something that doesn’t have potential. But I want love, I want to feel safe, loved and warm. I want to be prioritized, communicated with and respected. I want my person.
She has wild
Red hair
And a soul of gold.
Her teeth are
Stained yellow
From the cigarettes.
And her husband beats her.
She calls me crying,
Some nights.
Laughing on others.
And at the end of the call,
We’re either laughing,
Or crying,
Or too drunk to remember.
We tell each other
We love each other,
Then we go to bed.
The most depressing thing is,
I always wake up the next morning.
- Barbara
