when i was a child, when others would be mad at me, or I thought they didn’t like me…I couldn’t handle it.
I would be anxious and worried and thinking about it non stop and crying till I ran out of tesrs
i haven’t felt that way in a very long time
Tonight, I feel it. It is gut wrenching, shameful, and guilt. Even when nothing is even wrong.
I didn’t cry when you told me you were leaving.
I didn’t cry as I spent an hour and a half trying to figure out what to say
or as I made yet another playlist about you, that’s the fourth one.
I didn’t cry as my two best friends called to ask if I was okay.
I didn’t cry when I woke up after hearing your voice in my dreams,
or as I watched a movie I was sure would let me cry.
Not even as I spent all morning writing poems about you.
I cried when the shower water turned cold on me,
and I cried when I brushed my teeth.
When I realized the world is going to keep moving,
even if time feels like it’s not moving inside me anymore.
It was the realization that I’m gonna have to take this as another exercise in letting go.
That I’m just gonna have to get through it.
That’s when I cried.
Not to be horny but I really want a cuddle and a forehead kiss
You can be as strong as you want but if someone comes and sweeps you off your feet you will fall on your knees.
I want you to tell me you’re OK,
That you’re fine, Business as usual,
That you’ve moved on, And hardly think of me,
That you’re happy, And no longer angry,
That you don’t remember the little things, Like they were yesterday,
I want you to tell me you’re OK,
So I can hold onto something that will help me let go,
I can’t do it on my own.
Tell me a secret, part 26
I love you
One day you’ll leave me
I’ve seen it A thousand
You’ll leave me
As all before you have done
As i have told all the ones that
I’ll tell you too:
If you wake up
And you feel
You don’t love me anymore
And I’ll let you leave
No fighting, no screaming
All i wish is to see you happy
If that is without me
So be it
So if you wake up
And you do not see me
In your future
Tell me and I’ll leave
And i told all the others
The ones that came before you
The ones that left already
I told them:
Let me be the one to leave
So i can at least spare
Of seeing your back
Turned towards me
And as all the others
You will hear those words
And you’ll tell me
That You love me
You won’t leave me
But as all the others
You forget the words
And soon enough i find myself
Staring at another back
Turned towards me.
And it’s okay
My hearts already broken
I have learned to live
With my heaving lungs
And the sobs stuck in my throat
I’ll never be good enough
Never be chosen
More than once
And that’s okay
To love with trembling hands
To feel with burned fingers
To live with a heart
That’s barely beating
I know you’ll leave
Like all the others before
And that’s okay
But until then
I’ll keep telling you
I love you
it’s been quiet between us
as if the golden thread has dimmed
I think we both don’t know how to reach out
what to say, what to do
or even if we should
can you still feel me?
calling out to you
afraid of what you might say
but still hoping every notification is you
desperately wishing for something—
I shouldn’t wish for you
but I can’t help it
some deeply hidden part of me cries out for you
wanting to say something
to remake the nothing we are now
back into something beautiful
if you could sense when I was hurting
where were you when I was broken?
one night, crying over you on the floor
unable to choke out anything but your name
wishing you could hear me
and let me know you’re still here
I made a choice that night
as I tried to pick up the pieces
I started… to give up
on us, on you, even on this friendship
as much as I don’t want to
and as I pieced myself back together
a part of my heart… shattered
that I haven’t been able to find it since
- Cassiopeia, June 25th, 2020
You left a taste of poison in my mouth and it’s burning my throat.
My tears are toxic and my screams are silent, will you ever come back?
I loved you, I loved you,
I loved you, oh how I
loved you, the heavens couldn’t
contain the love I had for you,
it beat through me like a second heart,
a strong pulse ringing in my head,
like a song of adulation, reverence,
and yet none of it mattered,
no amount of love mattered,
you saw through me to the next girl,
the next conquest, the next heart for
the taking, for the slaughter.
I believe our first love has the power
to destroy or inspire,
and you did more than just kill me,
you ensured that my ashes were
burned twice and drowned,
and yet I loved you, I loved you.
you know i tried
and i poured my heart out
you said you felt the same
and then didn’t
we’re you afraid
i know i was
but i was not afraid of trying again
i was afraid that you’d
just do what you did before
and you did
you would have
you showed me that by
ignoring my calls and texts
that was my answer
and now i must let go
last thing i said to you was
i will leave you alone forever
if this isn’t what you want
you gave me that answer
and i said i would not bother you
so i said
for the last time
No-one will ever break my heart like you did
Maybe that’s because you were the first
The first person to have enough power
To crumple my never before touched heart
In one of your large fists
Completely bending it out of shape for all later occupants
Or maybe it’s because I loved you deeper
Than I could any other
As if oceans spanned my entire existence
Only you could swim blissfully through
What ever the reason, I cannot be more broken
Than how you left me
A twisted yet beautiful story,that I can only climb higher from.
you are a gun but i don’t think you remember. i wonder what it’s like, to wake up covered in smoke and don’t know whose ashes you burned
i took the chance and reached out
you replied and felt the same
said you still had the same
we made plans
days go by
now you say you don’t know
how to feel and you are skeptical
since i left once
i promised i wouldn’t leave again
poured my heart out
and you are breaking it again
It broke me when you left all those years ago.
I still feel like shit for being the cause.
I wanted to apologize; to beg for your forgiveness and promise to never do it again.
But I never got the chance.
It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that you may never come back into my life.
But all I ever wanted, was your happiness.
And then you were back.
All of those beautiful emotions and thoughts came back.
My best friend.
The only person who felt like home.
You were back.
But I got too excited.
I broke my own heart.
And finally I realized something:
If I’m not meant to be part of your happiness, that’s okay too.
You have others.
I’ve been lucky enough to have ever called you a friend.
And I never want to get in the way of who you are meant to be.