too fucked up to be loved
too fucked up to be loved
What if the hole concept of being sad ain’t even real? What if we’re the ones causing all these emotions, that make us cry and lay down for hours, days, months or even years. And if we’re the ones who control our emotions, why do we keep doing that to ourselves? Why do we keep hurting ourself, looking back at things that hurt us, thinking about thinks we never accomplished, thinking about loved or lost ones. Why the hell do I do that. Why is my past so important, when I have a hole ass future, that could be amazing, infront of me. Why is it harder to think about good things or to focus on happiness. Why do I keep opening my red doors, when I could just be sleep on cloud nine. Emotions I will never understand, that keep me awake for hours and hours. Hopefully soon, I will be able to guide myself throw those dark clouds and not just for some days. For years and other lifetimes.
I spent the nights praying for this pain to stop. would rather be shot in the brain then have this fucking pain. at least bullet wounds heal.
I’m reminded of her in sverything I see or do… And it hurts the same as it did a year ago… I guess I will never get over it.
I really loved her… I wish I could go back and make everything right… But I can’t. And honestly, all of this makes death seem even more enticing now…
I’m too tired to go on like this. I just want to disappear and leave all of this behind. Every memory, every regret…
i’m always alone.
I’m slowly losing hope…
gosh, how much i hate am existential crisis in the middle of the night…..
Years are passing
It used to be slower
But right now,
It gets faster as the days go by.
I’ve always know that some things aren’t meant to be forever,
And we being one of those things is what I would never imagine, not even in my wildest dreams or my most terrific nightmare.
We can’t allowe us to become one of those things,
We can’t just… let it go.
And what I was most afraid of is becoming true.
It’s been fourteen years since you came to life.
It’s been five years since we found us.
In a crowd of kids, were
The boy with a big imagination
And the girl with a brilliant future.
They were just kinds back then,
Now they’re older,
They’re broken inside while smiling at the outside.
Both dreamers destroyed by mean people.
But that’s the way the world works, right?.
After five years,
We still together, maybe we’re not that happy anymore, but we’re trying.
I’ve been waiting for the moment when we can be just you and me.
But for now, that’s not possible.
You have your own life. I get it.
I hate that we’re not like before,
We used to hang out,
We used to talk about our things,
I used to tell you stories, and you laughted at them.
But those are just memories.
When you feel lost, look at the sky
I’m always there, admiring it.
It could be our safe place,
The one we can find each other,
Scaping from our realities.
Be part of the sky,
Living without worries.
That’s what you want, right?.
I'v been waiting for what seemed like forever, is what I always do for you.
Just so I could see you, be with you, even if it’s for a short time.
And yet 15 minutes are such precious minutes you wouldn’t wasted in someone who waited hours for u.
I can’t get over this,
You’re the only one who’s been there.
I love you, so…
Please, don’t leave.
This is supposed to be a happy letter,
But I wanted to tell you how I feel.
‘Cause you’re my best friend, and I can’t continue hidding my fellings.
You thaught me that.
You’re my favorite persone,
And saying that makes me sad.
'Cause I know I’m not yours, but that’s ok.
You are like my pillar,
I beg you,
Please, don’t let my fall.
Phone calls, smiles, bruises,
Late nights, worries, gifts,
Jokes (really bad jokes), songs…
My best memories are in my heart,
All of them next to you.
Birthdays are supposed to be Happy, so
The day that I decide to give this to you,
I hope we get to change.
We get to be what we always supposed to.
Happy birthday, pomé.
i don’t understand it either, so how could you?
How do I explain to you that I literally don’t see a reason to keep living? It’s not even a personal thing some days, if our world keeps getting worse why do I want to see it happen? Why do I want to see kids grow up fast? Why would I want to keep doing this if I know in 30+ years our planet is going to be nothing but an inferno?
But past that’s not just it, I don’t see a future for myself either, I don’t see a career or kids. I don’t see friends or joy. It doesn’t make sense.
Why would I want to live like that?
I want to tie a knot
And let this world go
But I’m afraid
The weight of these thoughts
Will break the rope
These scars on my arm
So heavy chaining me to my bed
My head is holding so much my neck can’t support
I’m gonna snap
I can’t go on
The only way I’ve been surviving this chronic pain, trauma and isolation is by blocking out all my feelings. It makes me feel unreal and my time is spent pointlessly, but whenever I do feel it’s way too much.
As soon as the feeling break through, I get extremely suicidal and feel so weak and hopeless. I can go from feeling nothing to being crushed under it all and looking for a razor blade.
I can’t rely on my family, they love me and I love them but somehow that just translates into getting so hurt. When I’m struggling, they can make it unbearable, by blaming me, piling everything into me, or mum will threaten to kill herself, or they just won’t be there when I really need them.
I feel so incredibly guilty about things I can’t control, like the physical pain or mental health stuff. I’m not a victim though, I’m just weak.
I can’t stand the physical pain, it’s been a year and a half, and I’m still waiting for treatment and taking piles of meds. It’s torn my family even further apart and I’m a burden to them. The future is out of my control now and honestly, I don’t know if I even want it anymore.
Best go back to feeling nothing, if not a little worthless.
at the end of the day I’m just a suicidal drug addict and we all know how that ends
i had to leave
i was tired of
allowing you to
make me feel