My nails are still painted the color they were when I met your parents. Rose gold. I painted them for that meeting. It’s faded, chipping off. Each day there is less and less. I don’t want the paint to fade. It’s submission. It’s physical evidence of things being different. I want to go back to when I was getting ready to meet your parents. I was so nervous. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t think. My brain buzzed with worry. It turned out fine, good even. I’ve never been comfortable with families before but I liked yours. They were nice. A nice normal family. One so different than what I’ve had. That pinch of normalcy was refreshing. Though I don’t think I could survive in it for long. For a little while it was nice to pretend: pretend to be an outgoing, charming, bubbly person. Go with the flow. Giggle loudly, not caring enough to monitor the echo of my laugh. That night I was someone else. I’m sure your parents were confused when I smiled widely and conversed with them easily when you had prefaced by saying how shy I was. Like it was a flaw. Like it was something wrong… a warning label. I showed you. Your family was warm. They’re bonded; a unit. I can tell looking in from the outside. I hate to pick favorites but it’s only natural. Your mom. She strived to make me feel welcome. She invited me to visit the family in Ohio during Christmas break. It’s sad to know that won’t happen now. A lot of things won’t. There was so much we had yet to do. That ‘so much’ lurks beneath the surface of my mind, making its way above like the crest of a wave. I think about you in ebbs and flows. Like the tides, I have no control over what thought of you will arise. Will it be a memory? Words left unsaid? Hopes for us? The sound of your laugh? The curl of your smile? The tightest hug you ever gave me when I cried in your bathroom for an hour? The days we had yet to spend together? The bitterness and resentment at what you did? At your cruel decision to ruin us? Ebbs and flows.
I hope my nail polish never fully fades.
-R (10/22/20. 3:19 AM)
At the end of the journey, i don’t wanna stand there, realizing that i fought less.
Y cometí el error más grande de mi vida… decirle a mis padres mis debilidades
Aún siento enojo por haber dejado que hicieran lo que quisieran conmigo. Siento una impotencia al pensar que pude defenderme y no lo hice. No sé como detener el sentimiento… Por que se que fui una buena chica pero en verdad lamento todo lo que no hice por mi misma.
If I tried to leave
he would let me go,
he’s tired of me and dealing with who I am…
I’m tired too.
It was the only moment i was planning better things for us, now is the only time i am left unspoken.
One year of being together
And I guess
You still love her
or know that I still love him
Going through a break up is tough but at what pony do you stop sacrificing your dignity to please another person. I’m not perfect & I fuck up a lot but I can’t ignore blatant disrespect for the sake of someone else’s comfort. I miss him so much and my heart is heavy but how real is our bond if everytime we have a disagreement you wanna break up. A year in this thing you move to be with me and I appreciate all of that everything really my heart is in this but I can’t ignore my feelings I can’t undervalue myself to keep a relationship
There is no second choice, you love what you love. ❤
Summary: Life itself is hard as is, but it gets even worse when you’re battling the constant feeling of drowning. Luckily, Katsuki is always there to pull you from the water.
Warnings: hurt/comfort, self harm, depression and anxiety
Mental illness often manifests itself in different ways, depending on the person it inhabits. For her it was like drowning. In her everyday life, it felt like she was floating in the ocean, letting the waves roll over her, occasionally, one would push her down a bit deeper than normal but she would always pop back up. That was, until a storm would hit. It would send her falling into the water, and the water itself would latch onto her, sinking its teeth into her flesh and dragging her down. She would watch as the sun’s light faded from view, she would thrash around trying to get free, but eventually she would sink.
As she saw it, she had two options when she began to drown, let herself continue to fall, or find a way to snap herself back to reality. This was something she had come accustomed to dealing with on her own. When people would ask her how she was doing, there was no hesitation in her response. She had her emotions in check. She didn’t worry, she didn’t feel sad, she didn’t even really care. Her favorite phase to tell people was “I’m just going with the flow!”
When in fact, she was not “going with the flow” she was drowning in an ocean of thoughts. Her senses were overloaded with the voice in the back of her mind, reminding her of all the bad in the world, reminding her of all the sadness. That voice seemed to know her better than she knew herself, purely because that little voice, knew exactly what her biggest fears were. It knew exactly how to keep her up at night. It knew exactly how to make her hate living. Lucky for her, there was one person among the rubble of her mind that knew exactly what to do to silence that pest of a voice.
He was like a knight in shining armour, riding in on a white horse. Raising his sword, he would slash right into that little voice and watch it disintegrate into thin air. Regardless of how many times he would vanquish it, that little voice would always find a way to rise from the ash, but he never thought there would be a day where he could no longer save his princess. Unfortunately, the day came where he was faced with that exact issue.
Katsuki found himself banging on the bathroom door, his screaming only added to that static she heard in the background. She was too focused on the little voice plaguing her mind, telling her the only way out was to disappear. There was no point in living a life full of anxiety and sorrow, it was easier to simply end it all. In an attempt to free herself from the voice that plagued her mind, she decided that pain was her outlet. If she was focusing on physical pain, she could escape her personal prison.
Her hysterical screams were enough to get Katsuki to bust through the door, breaking the handle in his haste. The blood drops on the counter trailed to the sink where her arm was being covered in rushing water as her sobs filled the room. It took one swift movement to scoop her away from the sink and onto the floor where she held onto his shirt.
He held her close to his chest as a mix of her tears and blood soaked his shirt. Rubbing his hand in a circular motion between her shoulder blades. His attention was on the lines that indented their way into her skin, and the blood that oozed from them. He was thankful to have gotten in before anything else had happened, but he was still laced for worry.
“Damnit, you’re supposed to tell me.”
It took her a moment to respond, as she tried to both calm her shaking body and decide on her words, “I’m an impossible case Katsuki, I’m going to drown one day and if you keep saving me, one day you’ll get dragged down with me.” To anyone else it would have been surprising that Katsuki was even able to understand what she was saying between her sniffles and hiccups, but he had spent years learning to handle her during an episode.
His eyes softened as he gently pushed her off of him so he could look her in the eyes, making sure to wipe a few tears off her cheek with his thumb. “When will you get this through your thick head? I wouldn’t let you drown. I’ll always be here to pull you up from the water. To deal with any waves that come your way.”
“Why would you bother yourself with me? I’m not worth your time or your love. There’s so many other ways you could be spending your life, so many other people you could be spending your life with.”
“Quit spouting nonesense. There’s not a single other person that can compare to you. I’ll work through every bad day with you if it means I get to spend every good day with you. Besides, if I’m going to drown, there’s not another person on the planet I’d rather drown with then you dumbass.”
As she laid in his arms on the bathroom floor, she realized that it was never pain she needed to feel, it was the need to feel loved. The need to feel like she wasn’t alone. The need to have someone present with her, willing to help her work through her problems. It was there, on that bathroom floor, that she realized the voice was only so powerful. She realized that even if she did get pulled under the waves, he would come save her. As long as he was there, she would never drown.
A/N: A very dear friend of mine @sincerebubbles recently posted a fic that was very dear to her heart. A story about depersonalization, which is something she deals with. It gave me the courage to finish up this fic I’ve had in my drafts, and post it. Much like many others, I deal with intense anxiety and depression. There have been to many times, especially recently, where I’ve felt like I’ve run out of options. And it’s nice to be reminded that you are NOT alone. ❤️
(Ohhhhh my god I thought the last chapter was bad holy hell what did I just write??? I’m sorry? I don’t know, this one is rough, whole way through, prepare for the pain, I was not kidding when I came up with the chapter title here!)
(Warnings for anxiety attack, kind of self harm (but she can’t really control it) and a nosebleed)
(You make it you your room after talking with Lin in the hallway, but your abilities and your feelings towards Lin finally catch up with you.)
You made it to your room, your plain room with your things mostly tucked away in the cupboard, your room with the cool floor, where it was just you. Your own little world. You forced yourself to take deep breaths, already feeling the telltale crackling of lightning at your fingertips under your gloves. You tried to pull yourself together, but every time you closed your eyes, you saw Lin in front of you. Suddenly your room was too bright, there was too much, everything was too much. You tried to force it down, but the energy of your lightning was already running through your body. The room began to spin and you felt sick. You saw flashes of Lin, all the little moments you had with her, but now the flashes were reflected in your body as well. You knew what was happening, what was about to happen, but it didn’t make it any easier. You heard someone call your name, but you had already shut your door, you braced yourself as everything seemed to stop for a moment. A moment of calm before the storm, the breath before the scream, the static before the lightning. ￼You knew you were strong enough to contain it, but there would be a price, and you waited for it to hit. And it did. Pain twisted and wrapped around your body, your muscles spasamed and your heart felt like it would explode. Excruciating didn’t even begin to cover what you felt. You doubled over as your body was consumed by its own abilities. You took a ragged breath as you tried not to cream, there was wetness on your face, dripping into your mouth, you realized you nose must be bleeding. You limbs gave out as you fell to the ground, a short scream left your body as you collapsed. Writhing in agony. It never seemed to stop, and this one was bad. You were sobbing, and you heard a loud bang from somewhere, but you couldn’t tell, you tried to open your eyes, but you couldn’t get your body to let you. Your limbs twisted and spasamed endlessly as lightning seemed to courve through your very veins. Your throat seemed dry and raw, and you could feel tears still streaming down your face. You just wanted it to stop. You hadn’t had an attack this bad in years, hadn’t hurt yourself like this since you left Lin, you left her. You left her all alone to figure out what to do with nothing but a letter. You felt the cold ground on your face, and the pain redoubled as more images of Lin flashed in your mind. You didn’t know how much more you could take. White hot energy carved through you, and you sobbed, desperately hoping it would end. You felt hands on your back, slow hands running up and down, side to side, then circles. Patterns, patterns helped. You could hear her voice, maybe it was all in your head, you didn’t know if that would be better or worse. “Breathe” she said, “Just breathe.” You felt yourself the lifted off the ground as the pain began to subside, however your body continued to spasm and your eyes wouldn’t open. It didn’t hurt much anymore, just a dull ache and discomfort when your limbs would jerk or your back would arch. You were set down on the bed, and you could feel her there. Her hands were in your hair, oh, you forgot how much you kissed that. You gasped and whimpered as your body continued to betray you, but you could here her speaking to you. “You can let go, it’s alright, you don’t have to hold it in like that.” Lin’s voice felt like a balm on your soul. Her hands pressed hard into the points on your scalp and your neck where the energy seemed to gather the most. Her hands worked down your shoulders and your upper arms. You loved when she touched you, and you hated yourself for it. How dare you, how dare you make it this hard on her. She shouldn’t have to see you like this, she shouldn’t have to deal with the pain you put yourself in. “Get out of your head, come back to me.” You heard her voice above you. You could feel yourself nod, and you felt her lift you once again. Your bed was up against the wall, she had to have been leaning on it and put you up against her, she was cradling you, and you sobbed even more as your body began to allow you to move again.
She held you to herself with one hand and began to trace invisible lines with your body with another. A price of cloth wipes the blood from under your nose. You sighed and finally tried to open your eyes. Everything was fuzzy, but you could see she had covered the window and shut the door. So she remembered how sensitive you were sfter an episode then. Somehow that hurt more. Your voice croaked as you spoke. “I’m sorry” you felt her stiffen as she cut you off. “Don’t you dare.” There was such conviction in her voice, strength you didn’t have. You could feel the vibrations of it through your whole body when she spoke. “There are things you should apologize for, but this, this is not one of them.” You nodded as your body began to become heavy while the spasming died down. You watched her left hand trace patterns on your arm, as the other held you tightly around the waist. You noticed something then. And it shocked you. “You never…” her ring finger was bare, she either wasn’t wearing a ring or never married. “No ring.” You said simply, and you felt her sigh behind you, “No.” she didn’t need to say more. But perhaps you needed her to, you wanted her to say she had moved on, you wanted her to be happy, you needed her to be happy, or else, what was this all for? “Did you ever..” the words caught in your throat. She knew what you were asking, and she waited a moment before giving an answer. “No.” She paused, but the short word had caused vibrations through her body that made you shiver. You sat in silence as you waited to see if she would say more. “How could I?” You didn’t understand, but you were too drained to say more. Her hand came lover on your arm, to the edge of your gloves and you stiffened. She felt it, but ignored it anyway. She ran her finger over the edge before taking her hand to the fingers to pull them off. You gasped and your eyes went wide as you realized she was taking your gloves off. You shook your Helen’s as much as you could. “No.” You begged her, you could still hurt her accidentally, even after all you had just done. After she pulled the fingers off, she grabbed them to take the glove off of your left hand completely. “Stop, please, please, don’t.” You all but sobbed as fresh tears came to your eyes, but she ripped the glove off anyway. She didn’t try to touch your bare skin, she just stared. You shook a bit as you waited. You were terrified, truly terrified. If you touched her, you could still hurt her, severely. If she touched you, you didn’t know what would happen. She finally spoke. “You didn’t either, then.” You didn’t understand, you swallowed thickly, as your voice began to shake. “What?” She sighed, her breath ghosting your shoulder, causing you to shiver even more. “You never married, no ring.” It was a statement more than anything. You shook your head, dropping you hand away from hers into your lap, letting you leave eyes close again. “No, no I did not.” You could feel her shif slightly, but she didn’t prepare you for what she did next. Lin took you hand in hers, she touched your skin, not just your skin, but the very place where you were most likely to hurt someone. You gasped and whimpered at the contact. She was torturing you, that was the only explanation. “Stop, I could…” your mind went completely blank as she began to trace patterns again, this time on your bare skin. Your head fell back into her shoulder as she grazed the pulse point of your wrist. “I don’t, I could lose control again, stop, please.” Your words came out little more than a pained whisper. She continued her patterns. “You won’t, you never hurt me. Not once, over all they years, you even lost control around Tenzin once, but you never hurt me.” You could feel her words on your back, her breath on your jaw.
You shook your head as your eyes closed and your breath became ragged. “You can’t do this” you gasped as she traced invisible maps of energy on your palm. She shook her head. “When was the last time someone touched your skin?” Now you shook your head. You whimpered as her thumb brushed over your wrist once again. “I don’t, it was..” you felt like you couldn’t breathe, “it was you.” You could feel her gasp, her movements stopped as she realized what you just said. “Y/N.” You shook your head again. “No one else?” You felt a tear run down your face, she pushed you away to look at you. “You haven’t let anyone else touch you?” You were faced with the full eight of her Jade eyes, boring into you. Her voice was low, seemingly shocked. Her eyesstruck you once again, down to your very core. You almost laughed, “I never did.” She already knew how you were when you were younger, but to continue all these years, to never let anyone close, tears came to her eyes and you had to look away. “We can’t do this.” You said. “We really can’t do this. It’s only going to make it worse, for both of us.” You sighed, “You could have a normal life, you need someone who you can be with, ha, look at what you’ve done! Tenzin writes me every season, you’ve accomplished so much as Chief of Police. It’s what you always wanted!” You felt like a child speaking to her, desperately begging her to say you did the right thing. “Is it?” she asked you, her face and voice deadly serious. “Is it what I always wanted, you thought it was only possible without you?” She might as well have hit you, the air was gone from your lungs anyway. “Lin.” She cut you off, “Y/N.” She shook her head. “You left Republic City so I could be Chief of Police, so that I could have that. Did you ask?” She looked at you and you closed you eyes, “No, don’t you dare,” she reached out and grabbed your face, forcing you to look at her. You gasped as her hand grabbed you, your skin still burning. “You never gave me a choice, Y/N.” Normally her touch wouldn’t have been more than a reminder, but your eyes squeezed shut and you gave a short groan of pain as her fingers grazed one of the spots still sensitive from your episode. She let go as soon as she realized what she was doing. “I’m sorry.” You opened your eyes to find panic in hers. “Spirits, I’m sorry, I wasn’t thinking, I didn’t realize it could hurt.” You shook your head and she quieted down, but her eyes still scared your face for any sign of discomfort. “You were right.” You said to her. “I never gave you the choice. Because how could I force you to choose?” Her eyes softened as she looked at you. “Things have changed since then, the city is different now.” You shook your head ruefully, “Not that different.” Her eyes we’re begging you, you could see the pain in them, the desperation. You were less than a foot away, sitting on your bed, it would be so easy to lean over, to touch her, to kiss her again. You steeled yourself before you spoke. We can’t, Lin, we both know that. You should go.” She looked at you with shock, “Y/N…” you cut her off. “No, if we do this, I can’t, I just can’t, I need you to go.” You watched her stand, watched her walk the the door once again. When she turned back to you there were tears in her eyes. “We could find a way, Y/N, I would fight for you.” You felt tears sting you eyes as you nodded, “I know, I know, but the city decided what I am a long time ago, I don’t need to drag you down.” She left, closing the door behind her, and you curled up under your blankets, clutching them to yourself as your body finally gave in to exhaustion, surrounded by the scent of Lin.
I wish I had it in me to treat people the way they treat me.
Have you ever felt a swelling sense of pain? Not physical though something more emotional, as if you’ve broken something and you simply can’t fix it? That is how I’ve been feeling forever now, something aching inside my rotting flesh and I just can’t seem to move away from it. I wish that I could pinpoint what is causing it, but at this point my heart sometimes feels like it had shriveled up into a form of nothingness. Personally, there is a part of me that knows where this throbbing and ever swelling pain is coming from; yet I simply can’t seem to fix it.
What am I even doing here anymore?
People can tell you a thousand times that you aren’t a burden but still make you feel like one on the daily and wonder why you’re losing your mind.