Make it stop. Not being enough. Not being skinny enough. Gaining so much weight that I don’t want to eat anymore. Wanting to stress smoke through my pack of cigarettes. Wanting to take a razor to my arms. Wanting to take all of the pills and wash it down wirh a 6 pack of beer and 5 grams of weed in my system. I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to breath. I don’t want to keep crying. I don’t want to be here.
—why was fucking her easier than loving me?—
.L.m.P.
I feel like everything just got sucked out of me. Like I’ve been slammed against a wall and I can’t breathe. Like I’ve been left here alone with no one else to care
It breaks my heart more and more on a daily basis, it makes me physically sick every day it all turns my stomach upside down every morning I wake up. I get woken up by that feeling mostly every morning and it’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Knowing that I’m worth less than a prostitute and just everyone else because he told me so and waking up and having that be on my shoulders pushing me down into the floor because I’m so hurt that I can barely move at all, thinking that I’m a horrible person and that I’m disgusting, fat and loose, thinking that my body is horrible and that I’m ugly, wanting to cut all of my hair off and just wear wigs because the girls on his phone were all white/foreign and only had straight hair and so much more all because he’s said so and thinking that I deserve nothing but hate and abuse because he told me that I deserve it all and that no man will ever love me or want me or that no man will ever introduce me to their family and that “men fuck me and leave me because I’m this way” and more because he’s told me and now I honestly think that way even MORE than I did before so I think that I’m worth less than any man I will ever meet and I think they all think of me exactly like my ex thought of me…and not being able to think otherwise I have never in my life have been in so much pain and I’ve never experienced so much heartache. I’m physically so exhausted and so tired and weak because of the pain and from not eating because again he called me fat yet didn’t call the prostitutes that he was messing with while he was with me who clearly were bigger than me fat.
Urgent Care Thoughts Pt 3.
Once I got past the hurt stage. I went into forgiveness. But no one talks about how forgiveness means you have to swallow what you forgave. Every single day I’m killing myself. I forgave, but I still spend most of my time comparing myself to that girl. I have her face screenshot. Have her stupid, ass-out-on the sink photo saved. The wonderful words you had to say about her dance in my fucking mind daily like a symphony stuck on repeat. If things didn’t go bad there, I wouldn’t be here. I was replaceable. Easily thrown to the side. What I did meant nothing. Yes, I forgave. But daily I have to think about her touching your body. Having parts of you that were only supposed to be for me. Yeah I forgave you, but I had to get all my anger out. No one was there for me. So I suffered until I found a ear to listen and that’s coming back to haunt me. I know I never would have tried hurting you if this never happened to me. Yet, it happened. I put you on such a high peddle stool. I would bring down the moon if you asked. I would give my fucking last and go without food or rent. Gave up opportunities. Never without complaining. Never without asking for a thing back. And it meant nothing. Wouldn’t that make any person crazy? You grew to love me eventually, but I loved you from almost the beginning. Her face is in my brain. Each time I see a woman who resembles her my heart breaks. I see a female and my confidence drops so much. I think of how you want to be with them. I think of the girl. Yes I forgave you, but I forever have to live with the hurt. I’m sorry if I reached out to someone I never spoke to during the time I found out what I did when we weren’t talking. I’m sorry I had no one to talk to and was sitting with my anger. And started talking to the first person who listened. I’m sorry I still had hurtful things to say even after you apologized. I just didn’t believe you were sincere. But I worked on myself, and knew if I really wanted this to work. I had to try and believe. If I could take all those awful words back. I would. Everyone’s actions have results. And I hate the result is I hurt your heart when I should have guarded it even when angry. Even when you hurt me.
Știi că, stelele in ochi se aprind și
Nu mai simt nici ploi nici vânt
Căldura ta, in inima mea.
Carla’s dreams - seară de seară.
i saw you with them
i saw you laughing
i saw you talking
i saw you hugging
i saw you kissing
why can’t it be me by your side?
- m.o.
I would have still been in that toxic relationship, had they not ended it.
I would have still been working that terrible job, had I not been let go.
I would still be settling for less, had I not been pushed.
Embrace change. Learn from it. Grow from it. And love through it.
There’s strength in still showing love with all the pieces of your heart after it is broken.
I remember going out with my ex and we were out to eat with his daughter at Friday’s because that (was) my favorite place to eat and we had a black female waitress but when my ex was ordering he “”accidentally””..called her “mama” and I sat there completely silent for the rest of the night because part of me actually died inside at that very moment. And I didn’t tell him what was wrong because he already knew what he did so he asked his daughter what he did wrong she heard it too (just to have confirmation so I knew I wasn’t just hearing things) I…will never ever ever be able to get over that. Never. Never ever. I hope with everything IN MY BEING that one day. ONE DAY hopefully in this lifetime I will be able to you out with someone who wants to take me out to eat because they actually want me eating and just have them not ever do something like that because they actually think that I’m good enough for them to not do something like that to me.
For real I want to and need to be skinny..but what is the result of me being skinny? I want to wear so many cute clothes but I have scars on my legs and idk what to do about it.. I need help.. I need to get rid of them otherwise I will never feel okay..I need them to fade asap and I NEED TO RECOVER FROM SELF HARM ASAP!! but how ??? Pls help me what I can do …
4:30 am, tonight I learned that you have been talking to other people. Just when I thought I couldn’t sink any lower
You will have a piece of my heart that I’ll never be able to give to anyone ever again and you don’t care
