Urgent Care Thoughts Pt 3.
Once I got past the hurt stage. I went into forgiveness. But no one talks about how forgiveness means you have to swallow what you forgave. Every single day I’m killing myself. I forgave, but I still spend most of my time comparing myself to that girl. I have her face screenshot. Have her stupid, ass-out-on the sink photo saved. The wonderful words you had to say about her dance in my fucking mind daily like a symphony stuck on repeat. If things didn’t go bad there, I wouldn’t be here. I was replaceable. Easily thrown to the side. What I did meant nothing. Yes, I forgave. But daily I have to think about her touching your body. Having parts of you that were only supposed to be for me. Yeah I forgave you, but I had to get all my anger out. No one was there for me. So I suffered until I found a ear to listen and that’s coming back to haunt me. I know I never would have tried hurting you if this never happened to me. Yet, it happened. I put you on such a high peddle stool. I would bring down the moon if you asked. I would give my fucking last and go without food or rent. Gave up opportunities. Never without complaining. Never without asking for a thing back. And it meant nothing. Wouldn’t that make any person crazy? You grew to love me eventually, but I loved you from almost the beginning. Her face is in my brain. Each time I see a woman who resembles her my heart breaks. I see a female and my confidence drops so much. I think of how you want to be with them. I think of the girl. Yes I forgave you, but I forever have to live with the hurt. I’m sorry if I reached out to someone I never spoke to during the time I found out what I did when we weren’t talking. I’m sorry I had no one to talk to and was sitting with my anger. And started talking to the first person who listened. I’m sorry I still had hurtful things to say even after you apologized. I just didn’t believe you were sincere. But I worked on myself, and knew if I really wanted this to work. I had to try and believe. If I could take all those awful words back. I would. Everyone’s actions have results. And I hate the result is I hurt your heart when I should have guarded it even when angry. Even when you hurt me.