@ 𝐇𝐘𝐔𝐍𝐋𝐈𝐗 · · #𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒; · Like if your save or use. · cr: @xburtonkid / @98PMARS on twitter;
@ 𝐇𝐘𝐔𝐍𝐋𝐈𝐗 · · #𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐒; · Like if your save or use. · cr: @xburtonkid / @98PMARS on twitter;
the cats. me and who. . .?
it hurts to love you, but i still love you
it's just the way i feel
and i'd be lying, if i kept hiding
the fact that i can't deal
and that i've been dying
for something real
that i've been dying
for something real
13 beaches - lana del rey
more on pinterest <3
please dont leave me now summer
The Powerful Duo 😘 Visual Racha
"hi yongbok this is hyunjin. yongbok you look and act like a fairy, your warmth sometimes even melts my cold heart."
like or rb if you use 🗯️
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pairing: felix x hyunjin
warning: strong language (sexual/swearing), food mentionsgenre: romance, fluff
summary: love and felix's grandma and muffins<333
word count: ~900
note: ahsjkdhakdhsak its over i guess?? WOW its been a while anyways if u have any requests dont hesitate to send them in :)
Felix had had it all planned out. He was going to bring Hyunjin to the place they had gone on their first date, and he was going to bake brownies, and then, when they were laughing together, or just enveloped in comfortable silence only broken by the sounds of the birds and water burbling, he would let it spill out. He would tell Hyunjin just how much he meant to him under the watchful gaze of the wise, tall trees, and the springy moss underneath them, and all of the chittering animals observing from their perches. But, as somehow always happens, Hyunjin screwed up Felix’s plan.
Maybe it wasn’t exactly his fault, but Felix is way too petty to let himself take the blame for that kind of thing, especially when it was partly Hyunjin’s fault.
It had slipped out during the best kind of moment, when he was surrounded by people he loved, doing something that he loved, even if Minho, Jisung and Changbin had partly ruined it by making fingering jokes when he used his fingers to spread butter on the inside of the muffin tins to prep them for the batter. (Thinking back on it, Felix can’t really blame them.) But the look on the faces of Chan, Jeongin and Seungmin were almost worth the embarrassment of his friends making a sex joke in front of his grandma. As one can imagine, trying to make muffins with eight teenage boys and a grandmother pottering around making a dessert with a name so long and French that Felix could barely stutter out the sounds, is not exactly the ideal baking situation, but even when Changbin dumped flour over Hyunjin’s head, and even when Minho stuck his tongue down Jisung’s throat on the premise of cleaning up the leftover better from his mouth, Felix decided there was nowhere he’d rather be. He had fallen into his comfortable “baking mindset”, his brain functioning on autopilot, only switching off to throw hands at someone annoying him (normally Changbin) every few minutes. The only downside of this mode is that Felix has essentially no brain-to-mouth filter. It all happened in a span of seconds.
“Hyunjinnie, could you please pass the chocolate chips?” The taller boy snatched the chips off of the counter, leaning over to press a soft kiss to a patch of the freckles dotting Felix’s face. “Thank you baby, I love you.” His brain took a couple seconds to comprehend just why the kitchen had gone dead silent, and why Hyunjin was suddenly as still as a statue next to him. He let out the softest of gasps, soundlessly slapping a hand over his mouth, refusing to turn around and see Hyunjin’s face, which he was sure was twisted into disgust. “Took you two dumbasses long enough,” someone snorted from the corner near the giant refrigerator. All eight of them, apparently having forgotten that Felix’s grandmother was still in the room, whirled around to locate the source of the sound. Minho was the first to break the silence. “You’re absolutely right, ma’am. You’d think, with the amount of time they spend all over each other, that they would have noticed it by now!” Hyunjin snorted audibly, giving Felix a small boost of confidence. “Rich talk coming from a guy who spent the last five minutes making out with a guy that he claims to not be dating.” The room was dead silent in shock for all of two seconds before bursting into borderline hysterical laughter. “You’re all stupid!,” exclaimed Seungmin. “Yeah, and you’ve asked Jeongin to be your boyfriend?” The aforementioned boy turned a positively adorable shade of pink, letting out a soft squeak and hiding his reddened face behind his hands. Chan cooed at him, wrapping his arms around the youngests body in a comforting, fatherly way. Amidst all of the chaos, Hyunjin leaned over to Felix and whispered into his ear, “I love you more than Seungmin loves Day6.” Felix turned towards him, an incredulous look spreading across his face. “Holy-” he cast a glance towards his grandmother “-snickerdoodles, I didn’t think that was even possible.” He looked up at him shyly. “Would you...” Hyunjin looked at him expectantly, looking like a runway model even with flour coating his hair. “Would you... still love me if I was a worm?,” asked Felix, batting his eyelashes dramatically. Hyunjin stared at him incredulously for a full minute before breaking into the loudest fit of laughter Felix had ever heard from the boy he loved. Soon after, Jisung did something stupid (who’s surprised) and the whole kitchen filled up with the kind of laughter that only escapes in the kind of moments you’ll remember forever. Felix knew, then, that he had finally found the sense of belonging that he had chased since Chan had left, since he came out and shed two of the three friends he had had. He leaned into the side of Hyunjin, the boy he loved, and let his own laughter mingle with the others. He finally felt whole, a lost angel who had been found. Hyunjin had found him.
pairing: felix x hyunjin
warning: strong language (sexual/swearing) mentions of homophobia, felix has a tiny breakdown, food (like two words, not super descriptive)
genre: angst, romance, mild fluff
summary: peace is made
word count: 1.7k
note: this is that last official chapter, but there is one more little bit of fluff afterwards (linked under the heart and also at the bottom of the post)
It all crept back in like a bad dream. The long grass of their lawn, inhabited by crickets trying valiantly to be heard. The creak of the door, old but well-made, swinging to reveal the place that had plagued Felix’s nightmares, that had shaken him awake in a cold sweat, reminding him of the day he cost his boyfriend his family. And there it was again. The cold tendrils of guilt, reaching into his mind and stirring up all of the lies that had the silver-tongued power of making Felix believe.
You made it all happen. You came into his house in all of your sinning, rainbow glory, and you caused it. It was your fault. Another voice entered his head. That’s nonsense! It’s not your fault that Jinnie’s parents wouldn’t shut up! The first voice responded, its tone flavored with a bit of snark. Yeah, but if you hadn’t been there, looking gay and scared and astonished, maybe he would still be living with his parents. Felix curled in on himself, letting the voices take over his brain, infused it with fear and guilt. He, in that moment, had never felt more alone. Once he comes to his sense and sees what you’ve done to him, what you did to him all of those days ago, he’s gonna leave you, and you’ll be right where you belong, like the stupid, filthy, disgusting worm you are. People are going to hit you every day, and you’re just gonna lie there and take it, because you deserve it. You don’t deserve his protection, his love. You don’t deserve anything he’s given you.
A warm arm snaked around Felix’s hunched back, long fingers idly tracing the bumps and rounds of his curved spine. Felix didn’t even notice that he had leaned into the touch, didn’t even feel the rough pad of a finger swiping gently over his tear stained cheek, didn’t even hear the way concern leaked out of Hyunjin’s tone like water out of the unstable rock walls of the Mill. A hand gently tilted his head up, the same soft, concerned tone spilling through Felix’s ears and coursing straight to his tear ducts. Letting out an almost embarrassingly loud sob, he sank to the pavement, arms absentmindedly circling tightly around himself. “I’m doing it again.” A sound of curiosity, almost adorable despite the way Felix’s eyes were still blurred with tears. He inched away from the warm body that flopped down next to him, letting his own overwhelming guilt fill the space between the two of them. “I’m doing it again,” he repeated. “messing it all up, making it all about me. It was never supposed to be about me. I don’t even have any real problems.” This earned him an indignant snuffle. “No, listen. You’re the one who was getting into bad shits like fucking-” he let out a small, unbeliving chuckle, “-fight gangs or whatever, and you’re parents have been shitty to you, and guess what? We’re standing in front of your house, about to go talk to your parents about their homophobia and the way they’ve been treating you, and who’s crying? Me. You’re the one who has almost everything at stake here. I’m the one who will still go home today to a loving family no matter what, and wow that sounded really shitty but the point is I am the one crying. Me. And, and, you’re, you’re so. You’re everything I need and everything I want and everything I didn’t ask for but got anyway and I still have you. I have you, and I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve you. And you don’t deserve all of the shit I end up putting you through. I’m-I’m really fucking sorry Hyunjin, that I can’t be everything you deserve.” His voice broke over the last part, like it physically hurt him to force the words out. The small dam he had built over his tears broke along with his voice, and his vision was swimming with tears in a matter of seconds. Sobs wracked his whole body head to toe, and he was vaguely aware of the fact that Hyunjin was still there. He let himself hope he always would be.
Hyunjin’s smooth voice broke the weirdly comfortable, emotion-drenched silence hanging between them. “Lix, I just want you to know that I think you’re being perfectly valid in this situation, and it’s okay for you to cry and care about me. Actually, it...it feels nice to know you care even close to the same amount I do.” Felix almost started bawling again at that simple statement. Suddenly, he became aware of the cold pavement digging into his jean-clothed ass, the dirt that was almost certainly going to stain said jeans, and the two people inside the house looming over them, currently waiting for the two boys sprawled out on the sidewalk. He also realized that Hyunjin’s elderly neighbor was staring at them like they had just turned up drunk and sloppy, collapsing onto the sidewalk. He supposed that from an outsider perspective, that’s exactly what it looked like. He abruptly pushed himself off of the sidewalk, pulling Hyunjin up with him in a surprising display of strength. “Wh-”
“Did you forget why we’re here? Come on, let's go in.” Felix practically dragged Hyunjin to the door. A few seconds passed, and all Felix could hear was the chirping of crickets, a party raging somewhere far away, and Hyunjin’s breathing steadily speeding up. Senses filled with alarm, Felix whirled around to look Hyunjin in the eyes. He was met with millions of emotions swirling in the dark pools of his eyes, the soft lighting of the moon contrasting to the harsh lighting of the porch lights to form a sort of halo around Hyunjin’s head, the image a shocking contrast to the pain, grief, and apprehension pushing salty tears through his eyes. Felix realized with a start, this was the most vulnerable he had ever seen Hyunjin. The boy looked ready to break in half, like he would crumble into pieces if he was touched in the wrong way. He opened his arms tentatively, ready for Hyunjin to fall to pieces inside of them, but the door opened, throwing light across the two of them. Barely a half second later, Hyunjin was in pieces in somebody's arms, but they weren’t Felix’s. His mother wrapped a comforting arm around the tall, wiry frame of her son, and tears began to flow from both of them. Felix stepped back, not wanting to deflate their moment by intruding. After a couple of seconds that seemed to last hours, with Felix growing more uncomfortable by the millisecond, the two figures in the doorway broke apart reluctantly. Before he knew it, he found himself wrapped up by those same two arms, and he thought that if he hadn’t already had a breakdown a couple feet away not even fifteen minutes ago, he would have shattered right there under the comforting warmth of Hyunjin’s mother’s embrace. She pulled back slightly, one hand reaching up to pat Felix’s face. “I am very sorry for what happened last time, Yongbok,” she said, using his Korean name. “I will try to make up for it.” She stepped back a bit more, dragging him slightly into the light pooling on the floor from the open door, and threw a shocked look at Hyunjin. “Wow, he’s quite handsome! I knew the face I gave you was good, but this one, he is a catch, huh?.” Her tone turned to a mock kind of scolding. “Don’t you dare lose this one, Hwang Hyunjin.” An incredulous smile spread across Hyunjin’s face. “I-I wouldn’t dream of it, Mom.” She looked Felix up and down one more time before nodding approvingly and turning to go back into the house. Felix picked his jaw up from the floor and latched onto Hyunjin’s arm for support. “What the hell just happened?” A deep laugh escaped Hyunjin. “Baby, I could ask you the same damn question.”
They followed his mother through the cramped hallways of their house, Felix trying to keep his mind from plummeting to the worst-case scenario. Stupid fucking brain and its stupid fucking overthinking, he thought eloquently. They turned into the dining room where Hyunjin’s dad was sitting. The man had his arms folded, and was sporting a scowl that told Felix he wasn’t quite as on board as Hyunjin’s mom. Felix dropped his hands from Hyunjin’s arms, immediately missing his warmth, but not regretting the way that Hyunjin’s dad’s scowl lifted in the slightest way.
“So, Felix. Are you guys safe?” At the sudden question, Felix choked on his food, trying to cough as quietly as possible so he wouldn’t alarm anyone. “Uh, I’m afraid I don’t quite understand what you’re asking, sir,” croaked Felix, attempting to put on his best I Am An Innocent and Lovely Child who has Definitely Not Made Out With Your Only Son voice™. This only earned him narrowed eyes from Hyunjin’s father, even though his mother was obviously making doe eyes at Felix (read: planning out how to kidnap him). The man leaned forward, clearly not tolerating anything but the cold, hard, truth. “No, I mean have you two been using condoms?” Hyunjin was the one who choked this time, and Felix’s food-less jaw dropped to the floor. “NO!” Hyunjin was quick to yell. Too quick, apparently, because he didn’t think for one second about his statement. “So, you’re not wearing protection. Just please, be careful, son. You know, there are a lot of cases of-” Hyunjin cut him off in embarrassment, his face bright red as he attempted to rectify his mistake. “I-I meant we are being safe, you really don’t have to worry.” His mother was the one who cut in this time. “Hyunjinnie, we did quite a lot of research. We, well, we aren’t used to this kind of thing, but we are trying our best. We love you and...we made a mistake.” Felix saw shiny tears begin to well up at the bottom of Hyunjin’s eyes, and before he knew it, he was hugging him. Hyunjin sank into the embrace, melting like ice cream on a hot day in Felix’s sunshine. Finally, he got to see Hyunjin happy, accepted and loved and cared for by his family. Felix had never felt such an intense need to protect someone crop up in him until then, except for that one time he had confronted Seungmin and Jeongin’s bullies. It was a fact, and he knew it. He was deeply, madly, stupidly in love.
pairing: felix x hyunjin
warning: strong language (sexual/swearing) VERY SUGGESTIVE DIALOGUE I GOT A LITTLE CARRIED AWAY
genre: angst, romance, mild fluff
summary: they kiss and make up, essentially.
word count: 1.4k
Felix doesn’t know quite what he was expecting. He knew that both he and Hyunjin had big apologies to give, but he hadn’t exactly been given a handbook to read called “The Proper Etiquette to Apologize to Your Lover After a Big Argument where You Both Need to Apologize.” He wasn’t sure if he expected Hyunjin to throw him some kind of apology party, or if he wanted himself to apologize. It didn’t help that he also had no idea how or when to approach Hyunjin. Luckily, he’s saved by the boy himself.
It had been an excruciatingly long, painful day. Somehow, the school and its gang of kids who sniffed out gossip like a predator locating its prey had somehow managed to figure out that Hyunjin and Felix were going through a rough patch, and everyone had decided to make it their business.
“Yo, look at the gay kid. What’s wrong baby, is your big strong man not here to defend your ass? He probably got tired of pounding it and left it to me.” Responding to shit like that was practically second nature to Felix at that point. Sometimes he wished it didn’t have to be. “Why, do you want his sloppy seconds?” A few people made audible sounds of disgust. Felix was starting to get a bit riled up, and before he could help himself, his mouth opened again. “I know, right? How lame is that, he has to wait until Hyunjin’s done to fucking help himself to me?” He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “I mean, I know I’m hot but… you must really be into me.” The other guy mimed throwing up. “In your dreams, bitch.” Felix, having fully let his passive aggressive rage take control, leaned in towards the other until they were only mere inches away from each other. “And what’s in yours? Hyunjin’s used, abused bitch? I bet you have dreams about sticking yourself in me until you cry, and then wake up so hard you can barely think straight.” He laughed at his own unintentional joke. “Well, good. Go fuck yourself, asshole, and I bet you’ll think about mine while you do it.” Felix turned around, intentionally dropping his pencil so he had to bend over to reach it, shoving his ass into the face of the shocked crowd. Standing back up, he threw a wink over his shoulder. “There. Now you got enough wank bank material to last you until you’re thirty and balding, with a wife and kids you hate and weird gay dreams. Have a shitty life, you fucking dick.” Turning his eyes forward, Felix nearly peed when he found himself staring right into the deep brown eyes of the boy he loved. “Please tell me you didn’t hear that.” Hyunjin’s gaze lifted just above Felix’s head. “Uhh...I don’t really like lying to you.” Felix buried his hands into his slightly sweaty palms. “Fuck. Well how much did you hear?” Hyunjin winced so hard that Felix could tell through the fingers hiding his eyes. “Um. Like. All of it?” Felix let out a pathetic little squeak, unconsciously leaning into Hyunjin. A wolf whistle tore through the otherwise dead silent crowd, making everyone flinch. “Shit. Um, let's get out of here, shall we?” Felix accepted Hyunjin’s hand gracefully and let himself be pulled out of the halls.
The weather was getting chillier, and the wind froze Felix all the way down to his bones. “Shit.” he hissed, shivering slightly. Hyunjin craned his head at him. “Hey, do you want my coat?”
“No, no, Hyunjin, you need it too.” Ignoring Felix’s protests, the other boy unzipped his coat and wriggled one arm out. He draped the other half over Felix, pulling him close underneath the hood. At the sudden intimacy, Felix felt all of the piled up emotions finally start to spill over. Tears poured down his cheeks, startling Hyunjin with the suddenness. “Lixie, baby, oh my god, are you okay?” Two strong arms wrapped around Felix, and that combined with the kind words, sent Felix into even harder sobbing, hiccups and whimpered nonsense leaving his mouth unbidden. “I’m so sorry, Felix. I know you were just trying to help me, and I was being a total bitch about it. I was just in a weird mood, and the shit with my parents was fucking with my emotions. I should have never talked to you like that.” The apology distracts Felix from his tears. “What?,” he croaks out. “What the hell do you mean? I’m the one who pushed himself into your life without consent, and I’m the one that was sticking his nose where it didn’t belong and-” he hiccuped out a laugh- “-I’M the one who stuck my ass in another guys face and told him to take your fucking sloppy seconds or whatever!” Hyunjin collapses into full blown laughter at that last part, laughing until his stomach hurts too much to continue. “Ohhh,” he sighed, leaning against Felix. “I think you just gave me an ab workout.” Felix lightly slapped his shoulder. “Shut your perfect mouth for one blissful second, Hwang Hyunjin.” Hyunjin bit on his lip in a way that can only be described as fuckboy. “Do you think about my perfect mouth when you’re having-” he leaned in suggestively, “-those dreams?” Felix squealed in embarrassment, his face turning bright, traffic light red. He did, but he wouldn’t admit that to Hyunjin. “N-no! What the fuck, Hyunjin?” Hyunjin laughed again, the sound suddenly registering in Felix’s brain as the happiest he’s heard Hyunjin sound in a while. “If it consoles you at all, I’m pretty sure your little outburst is gonna be ‘wank bank’ fuel for weeks.” Felix chanced a glance at Hyunjin. “Until you’re thirty and balding with a wife you hate?” Hyunjin leaned closer until Felix could feel his break against his lips. “I won’t have a wife if I’m lucky.” Felix leaned impossibly closer, their lips still not making contact. “What would it mean if you got lucky?” Hyunjin’s eyes gleamed with something Felix couldn’t quite place. “I think you know.” Hyunjin’s lips met his own, still impossibly soft and perfect against Felix’s lips after the short time he had been deprived of them. After he pulled away, Feilx fisted his hands in Hyunjin’s shirt. “I know this is possibly the worst time to ever ask you a question like this, but what are you going to do about your parents?” Hyunjin’s face dropped into an almost comical expression of shock. “I...Felix, we are two dudes who just kissed, and now you’re asking about my homophobic parents?” Felix shrugged like he’d just asked about the weather. “I did tell you it was a horrible time for my question, and you didn’t say anything.” Hyunjin looked at him, the physical definition of done. “Felix, I swear, if you say some stupid shit like that- You know, I’m suddenly understand what you mean about making me shut my perfect mouth, because I want you to shut yours too.” Felix was randomly seized with the desire to make Hyunjin feel a little bit of the panic he felt almost all the time around him. Leaning closer, he purred into Hyunjin’s ear, “So you think my mouth is perfect too?”
“Get- get those words out of your mouth, please.”
“Why, making room for something else?” Hyunjin barely even hesitated after that, suddenly catching on to Felix’s not so brilliant plan. “Hmm, would my used, abused bitch like that?” The sudden use of Felix words back at him had his head reeling, and he slapped Hyunjin’s arm. “What the fuck, bro?” Hyunjin laughed again. “No homo, dude man.”
“No- no hOMO??” They dissolved right back into comfy banter, and Felix barely noticed that his previous question to Hyunjin had gone unanswered until they were sitting quietly, just enjoying the warmth and presence of the other, and Hyunjin suddenly said, “I’m going to see them tomorrow night. My parents, I mean. I want you to come.” Felix froze, replaying the events of the last time he had gone to see Hyunjin’s parents. “Please?” The word was whispered so quietly, in the most broken voice Felix had ever heard. He almost could have imagined it, but he didn’t imagine the way Hyunjin’s gaze clung to his own like a drowning sailor clutching a life vest, like he needed the other to live. Felix folded, the overwhelming need to be by Hyunjin’s side overwhelming any other feeling swirling around in his brain. “Okay,” he whispered back, just as broken and raw as Hyunjin’s words before. The single word stretched in the air between them, forming itself into an unspoken promise that went past the events in front of them. A promise to protect one another just as much as they needed to be protected for as long as the two of them existed, relying on each other until the ends and through the beginnings.
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pairing: felix x hyunjin
warning:strong language (sexual/swearing)
genre: angst, romance, mild fluff
summary: felix tries a little too hard to help hyunjin with his parents, and he crosses a line. thank god for nice grandmas
word count: 2.1k
note: *dying noises* thank you for reading!
It was the third night since Hyunjin had started sneaking in, and everything felt wrong. Hyunjin sat on the floor like he belonged there, and Felix knew deep down that he did. The problem was in the way Hyunjin’s eye bags were slowly becoming more pronounced even though he seemed to sleep fine, and the way he was always the smallest bit jittery, responding to specific touches with flinches and a sudden dark cloud across his face. This particular time, Felix had reached across to sweep a piece of Hyunjin’s sweat-sticky long hair out of his face, and Hyunjin had almost violently wrenched his head away, trying and failing to play it off as a delayed sneeze. Felix pulled his hands back, folding them tightly together in his lap. “Hyunjin, I think we have to talk.”
Normally when someone says that in a relationship, it means they’re gonna break up. Hyunjin knew better, and felt almost as bad.
Felix reached his hand out hesitantly, waiting for permission to grab onto his boyfriend’s hand. Hyunjin’s hand felt warm and right in his own small hands, and Felix had the sudden strange feeling like he was going to burst into tears. In a slightly strangled voice, he told the wall above Hyunjin’s head, “I think we should talk about your parents.”
That morning had been just like every other morning with the two of them. They woke up, Felix snuck Hyunjin some pastries, and then they split up briefly, Hyunjin sliding down the tree in Felix’s backyard while Felix ran to the door to pretend to meet Hyunjin and then they would walk to school together. But every time Hyunjin thought Felix wasn’t looking, a sad, almost regretful look would cross his face. Every sign screamed in bright neon that something wasn’t quite right. The problem lay in the fact that Felix had no idea how to help him. It was painfully obvious in the exaggerated scoffs whenever people stared or muttered in the hallway that Hyunjin was trying his best to keep up the appearances that nothing was bothering him. He even threw his famous side-eye towards a classmate who screamed “PENIS” in the middle of the hallway, muttering under his breath, “That’s kinda fruity,” towards Felix, who was doubled over with laughter. The rest of the day had continued rather uneventfully, with the most notable event being someone throwing a fucking tomato down the stairs for shits and giggles. The walk back from school was also fairly boring, with the only thing happening was some drunk asshole calling them slurs. Felix had shrunk back into his jacket, trying to shield himself from the words, horrible memories crawling their way through the boundaries he had tried so hard to erect in his mind. Hyunjin tugged on Felix’s thin coat, voice husky in his red tipped ears. “I think there’s a shortcut over that way, little chick. Do you wanna try it with me?” Felix nodded swiftly, face painted in soft pinks from the cold biting at him. “Yeah.” The word came out soft and fragile, a stark contrast from the warm and deep voice that normally filled rooms with sunshine and rainbows. Gently settling an arm around Felix’s shoulders, Hyunjin steered them both down a smaller road. They got lost quickly, winding down the maze of small roads, but neither of them minded. The conversation flowed easily, and even if Hyunjin had just been listing random facts about math, Felix wouldn’t care. He was easily losing himself in the melody of Hyunjin’s voice, so much that he didn’t even glance at their surroundings until Hyunjin stopped abruptly. “Baby, what...” Looking forward, Felix immediately took in the sight in front of them. It was the house that Hyunjin hadn’t entered since Felix’s visit days ago. His parents’ house. Felix slapped a small hand over his mouth quietly, and looked up at Hyunjin. “What are you thinking about?” Hyunjin shook his head. “No, come on, we’re probably not lost anymore.” Felix let himself be led away from the looming house, a physical reminder of everything Hyunjin had left behind. He swallowed nervously and repeated his question. “It isn’t important, Felix.” The words were spat out like they tasted foul. Felix stumbled back; Hyunjin never said his name like that. “Wh-what-” The regret came immediately, but Hyunjin just turned away, leaving Felix in stunned silence. “Oh, so we’re gonna do this now?” Hyunjin just sighed. “Leave it alone, okay?,” he snapped. “This is the last thing I want to think about right now.” The rest of the walk to Felix’s house was filled with awkward silence, but Felix barely even noticed, too preoccupied with the thought of helping Hyunjin in every way possible. As they entered the house, it became clear that Hyunjin was doing his best to forget his earlier outburst: he talked animatedly with Felix’s mom and sister and even hugged his grandma, who accepted the affection with zero questions. They walked up the stairs casually, but every subtle creak of the staircase was a reminder of the deafening silence that had made its home between them, silently pushing them apart as it made itself comfortable. Felix felt it pushing on his throat, suffocating his words. They settled into his room for what felt like the millionth time. Felix could tell just how much Hyunjin wanted to forget all about his outburst, it reflected in the nervous way his hair twisted in between his fingers, and the way his words
didn’t have quite the same ring to them. In a way, whatever was sitting on Felix’s bedroom floor was a shell of the bright boy Felix had fallen in love with. The realization came suddenly, like most of the things in their relationship. But also similarly, it arrived with a sense of comfort. It just made sense. “Hey dude, where did you go?” A hand waving in his face brought Felix back to reality. “Sorry, I just drifted away for a bit.” Hyunjin relaxed visibly, his shoulders dropping slightly and his smile taking on more of a brightened look, like the ice freezing him was slowly dripping off. “Aaaaanyways,” Hyunjin continued, his voice filled with Hyunjin Sass™, “I was talking about how there is absolutely no way that that one kid on the figure skating team doesn’t have a crush on that one Australian dude.” Felix cocked his head to the side in confusion. “Who?”
“They’re a couple of years younger than us. Wait-” Hyunjin gasped dramatically. “-I thought Australians had some kinda,” he waved his hand in the air for dramatic effect, “-brotherly bond or whatever.” Felix couldn’t help himself; he burst into astonished laughter. “Wh-where-what the hell-”
“Well, I mean, I had two Australians that I knew, and they happened to have been besties since like, diapers or whatever. Am I supposed to not assume that there’s an Aussie Bond or whatever? I mean, you guys do have that weird chant or whatever.” Felix could barely breathe, he was laughing so hard. Hyunjin stood up, opening Felix's door. “Look, watch.” He leaned out and yelled, “AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!” Felix’s sister screamed back, “OI OI OI!” Hyunjin turned back to Felix and shrugged, an infuriating grin sliding over his face. “See?” Felix finally regained his composure, wiping a stray tear of laughter off of his freckled cheek. “Yeah, definitely. I can also communicate with kangaroos.”
“Really? Tell Chan that he owes me ten bucks.”
Felix almost cursed himself for sliding back so easily into conversation with his boyfriend, but he couldn’t help enjoying the banter. It felt almost like normal. But there was nothing normal in the crease that formed between Hyunjin’s eyes whenever he thought Felix couldn’t see. Felix had had enough. Abruptly slamming his computer shut, he turned to face Hyunjin fully. Math could wait. Before Hyunjin had time to react, Felix glided the pad of his thumb between Hyunjin’s furrowed brows. Hyunjin reacted on instinct, slapping Felix’s arm away and flinching back, the look on his face reminiscent of a cornered animal. Felix let out a soft gasp, drawing his arm into his body. “Hyunjin, I think we have to talk.”
“Why the fuck should I, Felix? You know damn well that it isn’t your job to be my fucking therapist.” Felix backed away until the backs of his knees hit his mattress. “Isn’t it, though? As your boyfriend, as someone who cares about you?‘ Hyunjin drove the palm of his hand deep into his eye like he was trying to scrub away his problems. “Fucking hell, Lix, no, its not. You aren’t supposed to be fully responsible for my mental health, especially when you stopped giving a flying pig’s ass about your own.” Felix snorted back a laugh at the creative words. “What the fuck? Of course I care about myself, but you matter more.” Hyunjin stared at him in shock, something resembling disgust spreading across his angelic features. “That’s...that’s really fucking toxic, Felix. Obviously, you need to care about me, but you’re more important.”
“Didn’t you just say that mindset is toxic?” He exhaled a sharp sigh, the sound a dagger going straight into Felix’s heart. “No. You need to be the highest priority in your mind, with everyone you care about running a close second. Same for me, and everyone else on this goddamn planet, Felix. I can’t be the most important thing in your life, and you have to stop accidentally forcing your way to be mine. Maybe...maybe we should spend a day apart, and you think that over, okay?”
Felix replayed those words in his head for the millionth time, trying to figure out what went wrong. Ignoring the fact that Hyunjin had spelled it out for him in favor of trying to pull the blame off of himself. Fed up with it, he tore the covers off of his body, hating the little voices in his brain for allowing him to wallow in self pity. He walked downstairs with a purpose, ignoring the voices of his family trying to figure out why Hyunjin had stormed out of their house earlier with tears streaking his face, attempting to hide puffy eyes behind sunglasses despite the clouds outside. Felix instead made a bee-line for the kitchen, immediately immersing himself in the familiar rhythm of baking. His grandmother asked no questions, instead puttering around in her corner of the kitchen while Felix lost himself in his work. He worked slowly and methodically, but just one glance at him could give one a window into the passion and emotions that were always brewing behind his friendly, sunshine-y persona. The kitchen was his outlet, a place for him to let out all of his emotions. It showed in his products, some said. The day he had brought brownies on the picnic date with Hyunjin, he tasted exactly what they meant. The brownies tasted like happiness and a small amount of fluttery anxiety. The brownie tasted like beginnings. Felix placed the cake he had been whipping up into the oven. He wondered what it would taste like. Confusion? Hurt? Heartbreak? An ending? No, not an ending. Maybe it would just taste like betrayal and denial, because Felix knew it was his fault. Holy shit. It was his fault. He didn’t realize words had sprung past his lips until his grandma was looking deep into his eyes, peeking into his soul, and he spilled all of his carefully guarded emotions onto the floor.
“Maybe it is my fault. I think it is. I just- I couldn’t stand to see him get hurt, and it was even worse knowing he didn’t want me to do anything about it.” The other’s head bobbed knowingly. A frail hand laid itself across Felix’s own trembling one. “Some paths are made to walk with others. Some paths are made to walk alone. Some paths were made to walk with the occasionally friendly face. Here is my advice: do not give your boy any special treatment or help he doesn’t ask for. And recognize when a line is being crossed.” Felix was quiet for a second, letting his grandmother’s wise words sink in. “But… what if it’s not that easy?” His grandmother’s features spread into a soft, caring smile. “Chickie, sometimes it’s more simple than you think. Humans are simple creatures, we always overcomplicate things ourselves. Try being more open, and he just might do the same. Always respect his boundaries, and he just might do the same. If he doesn’t, you leave. Simple as that.” Felix choked out a watery laugh through his sudden tears. “I’ll try, Grandma. And who knows, it just might work.”
pairing: felix x hyunjin
warning:strong language (sexual/swearing)genre: angst, romance, mild fluff (actually this is like all fluff lol)
summary: everyone goes to chan's place for a reunion and some tea spilling
word count: 1.2k
note: this chapter is kinda really short sry about that
Felix was weirdly nervous. Normally, when you’re about to go see your friends and boyfriend, you feel excited and happy, albeit a bit anxious. But the overpowering anxiety holding a tight fist on Felix’s gut was far from normal.
He looked into the mirror, trying to reassure himself with the sight of his own carefully crafted outfit and makeup. He looked just casual enough that people that didn’t know him better than he knew himself would never suspect the turmoil of insecurity crashing through his gut. Unfortunately for him, he was about to surround himself with the only people in his life that would just know. Attempting to shake off his nerves, he smacked his face briefly. “It’s gonna be okay,” he reassured himself in a low whisper, pressing two fingers into the crook of his neck until he felt his heart, pumping steadily and reassuringly under his shaky touch. The next twenty minutes seemed to blur together, and before he knew it, Felix was standing at an unfamiliar door. The plaque next to the door matched the numbers that Chan had sent to the chat. It was definitely the right place. A vaguely familiar feeling washed over Felix, like the odd relaxation right before diving into a stressful test. The calm before the storm. Mustering up courage, Felix tentatively extended a small, nervous finger from his sweater sleeves, just barely tapping the button. After a handful of tension-filled seconds, the door was abruptly yanked open, and Felix was welcomed by pounding music coupled with familiar voices, a bear hug, and a heavily accented greeting. (read: chan says “FELIX! I MISSED YOU SAUR MUCH!”) After Chan relinquished him from his rib-crushing hug, Felix was enthusiastically pushed into the living room, where he made direct eye contact with the source of all his worry. The fox-shaped eyes and cheekbones sharp as broken glass spark memories that tear through Felix like a wildfire, and moisture begins to gather in his eyes. He remembers the way that a young Chan had not-so-innocently suggested that they steal cookies from Felix’s grandmother, and how Jeongin and Seungmin had flinched back at first, too nice to even entertain the idea, but somehow they ended up mere minutes later tearing through Felix’s backyard like the demons they were, cookies clutched in the hands of all four small boys. He remembers the look of pure euphoria that lit up the youngest’s features, his eyes scrunched up and mouth thrown open despite Felix’s rage-filled grandmother bearing down on them with a wooden spoon gripped rather threateningly in her small hands. He remembered the sound of Jeongin’s pure giggles, the sound that only a person who was naïvely sheltered from the world could make. He remembered the look on the boy’s young face when he told them that he was moving away, and he remembered the way his tears had dripped down his face helplessly, a picture of a boy whose perfect reality was breaking, and all Felix could do was watch. He remembered the way they all slowly lost contact until the only reminder of Jeongin was the picture on Felix’s bedside table and the faraway look that occasionally crossed Seungmin’s face. But now, here he was, standing right in front of Felix. How do you apologize to a person when you’re hurting just as much, and for the same reason? But before he could open his mouth and let awkward, rambling words tumble out, Jeongin smiled. Felix noted through his shock that the younger’s braces had been removed, and he looked grown up. The revelation sent something almost like pride shooting through Felix, but before he could dwell on that too long, Jeongin’s long arms were being held out, and Felix was stepping into them, and he was warm and familiar and here and Felix was dimly aware of the tears staining Jeongin’s shirt, and he almost felt bad, but Jeongin was crying too, and all he could do was hold onto him tighter. “I missed you so much, Innie. I’m so so so sorry.” A small chuckle was breathed into Felix’s hair. “I missed you too, Lixie. I missed you so much.”
After the small reunion, the group had piled on Chan’s couch and were sharing ridiculous stories over bowls of extremely unhealthy snacks. “And then,” Jisung gasped, “Changbin said something like-” he made his voice slightly nasally “-I’M NOT A SHORT WALRUS YOU FUCKING SQUIRREL!” The group exploded into laughter with the exception of a very red Changbin. “Yah, you look like a squirrel, though.” Jisung looked up from the popcorn bowl with his cheeks ballooning out, and the group fell silent for a second. “I mean, he’s not wrong.” More laughter rang out, filling the space with warmth. “So,” said Minho, eyebrows wiggling suggestively, “anyone sucked any good dick lately?” The three youngest choked on their snacks in unison, Jisung turned bright red, and Chan smacked Minho’s arm. “What?,” he asked innocently, words slightly muffled due to the chips stuffed in his face. Chan looked like he was about to implode. “Fine, I’ll rephrase that. Anyone had any crushes or relationships recently? Besides Hyunjinnie and Yongbokkie, they’ve been all over each other lately.” Felix and Hyunjin scoffed in unison. “You’re one to talk,” Felix snarked quietly. “What’s that supposed to mean?” At this, six of them audibly laughed. “Jisung, look me in the eyes and tell me you and Minho aren’t dating and there’s no romantic feelings there.” Jisung spluttered, face gradually turning redder. “Well…”
“Ha, took you long enough.” Seungmin rolled his eyes, prompting yet another scoff from Felix. “Like you and Innie haven’t been pining after each other since middle school.” Jeongin squeaked, hiding behind Seungmin. “Like you didn’t drool over Chan for a little bit when we were younger.” At Seungmin’s proclamation, the whole room fell into dead silence. Felix’s face could only be described as a strawberry, with his freckles standing out on his bright red skin. “O-okay, so I did have a bit of a crush on Chan. It was only natural.” At this, Chan let out a confused noise, only serving to make Felix’s face redder. “I-I mean, he was also Australian, and so nice, and he was older than me, and he’s pretty, and right around then was when he started to grow into his frame and whatever and I got a little crush on him! It’s gone now, don’t worry.” After a couple seconds of the most tense silence Felix had ever sat through, Hyunjin and Chan simultaneously broke into fits of laughter, the rest of the group soon joining in. “I can’t believe you were so whipped for me, Lixie,” Chan gasped out. “Shut up!”
“How did you not notice, bro? He literally followed you around and touched you at every possible opportunity!”
“I just thought he was a cuddlebug!” The bickering lasted well into the night, with Hyunjin joining in on the fun soon enough. To Felix’s utter shock, Hyunjin didn’t seem jealous in the slightest. It was just another thing Felix wanted to be able to get used to, Hyunjin being gorgeous and carefree, and Felix himself just being able to let go and have fun with his favorite people. It’s funny, how life never seems to want to make it that easy. In the back of his head, Felix knew that they both had pressing problems to solve, but at the moment, all that mattered was being there, with his closest friends, and existing in the kind of space where he felt he belonged. He knew Hyunjin felt that way too.