I’m better with words and although I was praised for that, words have now become my downfall. I can’t express the feelings I have if it weren’t for words. I’m sorry I don’t seem excited but trust me when I say I am. Please believe me when I say I love you, even if I have trouble showing it. And I know now my words don’t add up to my actions and I’m working on it. I’m sorry it’s taking longer than it should, but I’m okay despite all the energy I have used to restore myself. Don’t mind my tears when I tell you I’m fine, don’t ask about my shaky hands.
Now the honesty has broken through and my knees are starting to shake. You don’t believe my words but I have no right to blame that on you. Half the words I say aren’t true and trust me baby if I could stop I would. Lies slip out of my mouth like my first language, it’s effortless. And if I told you all the lies I have said, would you still have stayed? Would you still believe me when I say I love you? The question will go unanswered until I’m laying six feet underground. Who knows, once I tell you all the lies I have said, you might be the one to put me there. You’ll hate me to the end of time, and if that’s the case I will rather be in my casket. And you have always said you know when I lie but believe me when I say my stutter isn’t the root of my lies.
But what if I told you that I know the lies you have told? All the small details of deception you slipped out. Silently debating with myself if I should call you out or not. And it scares me to death if you were to know every time I lied. I believe I’m a good liar but I won’t be a fool, what if you were able to see through my lies? I might as well call it game over for me ‘cuz whether or not you accept me for all the lies I have told, I don’t think my heart would be able to take the embarrassment; all the shamed and pressure that comes with those lies.
But maybe there will be a time, a time we can share all our secrets. And maybe our love won’t change but instead, grow stronger. We’ll share our vowels and you’ll tell me that you accept me and I’ll say the same. And maybe we’ll change each other for the better. Maybe we won’t have to lie anymore. Maybe we can fix each other and won’t have to live in fear, fear of anyone finding out that we aren’t who we say we are. Maybe we’ll find peace and comfort within each other’s lies.
