ok sooooo i know i have barely any followers on here so like probablyy no one will see this but tbh that’s the whole point of me posting this on here…. so here it is:
i think i’m non binary. i really really really do. i’ve been thinking about this for the past 2 or 3 years, especiallyy during this last year with quarantine and everything, and even more so now that i’m at uni and i’ve been more independent than i’ve been in my life and i actually have this feeling of control over my life…. like,, i can just… be who i want to be?? and do what i want to do?? as long as i’m not hurting anyone else or myself, i’m all good!? i have the freedom to express myself however the heck i want to bc this is my life !! wow !? like isn’t that so cool?!! anyway ahh yeah :’)) i did mention this to my closest friend in january of this year i thinkk, or maybe earlier idk, and since around that time i’ve had my pronouns as she/they in all my social media bios, and that’s what i tell people my pronouns are if anyone asks, but that’s as far as i’ve gotten,, until now…. i’ve decided i’m going to experiment with they/them pronouns for a bit, just for myself, and like here on tumblr. i know that’s not very radical lmao like you don’t exactly think about yourself in the third person much but i’m too nervous and confused to tell anyone i know irl yet, so this will have to do.
i’m also going to do the same thing with my name :)) in the summer of last year, when i stayed up all of one night while my family and i were on vacation, bc i was having intense anxiety about figuring out what my gender is, i started thinking about what name i would pick if i ever actually changed my name… i sat there on my grandma’s windowsill at probably 3am, cycling through all the gender neutral names begining with r that i could think of, and the very first one that i remember thinking of (after just first thinking of rin bc that was my d&d character’s name at the time lmao), was Ren…. Ren. it felt so…. good. it felt comforting. it still made me feel a bit weird though, bc the whole idea of just changing my name felt pretty weird… but i… liked it. i’ve thought about this name a lot over the past year and a bit since then, constantly imagining how i would introduce myself to people as Ren, how i could tell the staff at starbucks that my name is Ren and they’d write it on a cup (even though i don’t particularly like coffee and i never go to starbucks sjsjsj, i just know that they do that), and yeah stuff like that… it always gave me this little bubble of happiness, but i’d soon pop it and move on thinking about other things to distract myself… but over the past few months two people i know irl, one that i’m close friends with and someone else that i know from school, they’ve both come out as non binary and have changed their names, and i think seeing these people that i’ve known for years do this thing that i felt like was such a big deal with what seemed like such ease and comfort and confidence and freedom, that made me realise like…. i can do that too. the only thing that’s really stopping me is fear, and why should i let fear win?? it also occured to me like an hour ago that i had never looked up the meaning of the name Ren before, and guess what, it means lotus or love, and that is literally everything i could possibly dream of my name meaning, like….. it’s so perfect :’))
so, for now at least, i’m putting my name here on tumblr as Ren. and hey, if i ever do go to starbucks by myself in the near future, i’ll tell them that my name is Ren and get them to write it on my cup :)
at the end of the day, if i ever change my mind about any of this, in a day, week, month, year etc., i can just change it again. it’s all so ok. i’m just growing and exploring and living and loving, and that’s pretty freaking cool i must say <3
i trulyy hope that you are having a wonderful day/night, and i love you so much. i really mean that.
lots of love,