I just wrote a post on fb about how awesome this new book club is that I joined recently, and today joined for the first time for a really phenomenal discussion. I felt really welcomed, and among people who were thoughtful and clever. I posted it, and then struggled with some additional feelings so I wrote a comment, and then I panicked and didn’t post the comment because coming out is a process and it’s something I haven’t done in a while, and definitely haven’t shared with my future in-laws, who I am friends with on fb and might have seen the comment, and I am afraid to come out to them for various reasons. One of those reasons is that I am a cisgender bisexual female who is about to marry a cisgender straight man. I wouldn’t say I’m in the closet, but I sort of am again, just because I pass as straight and constantly coming out is exhausting and that part of my identity is sort of irrelevant at this point in my life. Isn’t it?
So I feel like I am misrepresenting myself with this book club group because it’s specifically a group for queer female and nb people, and I feel like my queerness is always suspect now that my partner for life is a straight cis male, and fear that once they find out about him I won’t be welcome anymore. Disourse might say that queerness isn’t innately sexual, but it’s certainly tied up in sex and gender identity, and if you plan to never date anyone of the same gender again because you feel secure in your female identity, are monogamous, and have committed to a cisgender person of a different identity than you, are you still queer? This question legitimately sometimes keeps me up at night.
I think part of it relates to context. I am one person on the facebooks, and more open here on tumblr where I feel more anonymous and safe, and I’m someone else when I’m among other lgbtqia+ people which I very rarely am unless I’ve met them through another interest because I don’t feel like I belong in queer spaces because I never feel queer enough, ever, to be welcome. I felt like an impostor, even before meeting my partner, and now it’s even worse.