I know that i messed up and it’s hard for me to make things right again. I know an apology is not enough, but you know that i love you and i care about you… I hope everything will be like it used to be before.
You were a savior for me when I needed one most. How was I suppose to know that things were slowly going to fall apart in my mind? How would I know that me wanting you, would turn into me needing you. You became my best friend. We talked all day, every day. When I needed the motivation, you kept me going. Advice was always there when I needed it. I fell in love with the person you were to me and in general.
The time spent with you was one of those things out of an unrealistic romance novel that I would read when I was a teenager in my bedroom, late at night. The kind of books that I’d cry til the very end, those good ones. I remember never wanting our time together to end. But always knowing it was only for a moment that we’d be apart. Yet, in my heart, you were closer than anyone could ever get. When I’d look at you, if you were sleeping, or talking, or laughing, I was falling so hard. I couldn’t find anything in the world wrong with you. You were the definition of perfection to me. The realistic definition.
There was a moment. One major moment. It was when everything around me was hurting and it felt like it was never going to stop. And you made me forget about everything going on, by just focusing straight on me. You made sure I felt special, and loved. Instead of forgotten. It was the moment I knew that falling in love with you was meant to happen. Maybe not that time, but that the love I carried for you, was an infinite moment that would never fade.
Falling in love was easy, it was easier than breathing. You gave me a sense of security I have been missing my entire life, but never knowing it was something that was important to really anyone in the world. something that defines people a lot more often than not. Something that helps people grow in the best ways. I was robbed of that so long ago as a child, and with time you gave it back to me. And I know you know when that moment happened. It was maybe 5/6a and we were looking into each others eyes. We created the love bubble moment, and it was everything. I started to cry, because I was so comfortable in my own skin, and you were making me feel safe and secure in all ways possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally. In that moment I was the most content and confident in me. And it was everything.
Yet, here we are. Time has taken a toll somehow, and things look way worse than they are even close to be. I never denied or ignored your feelings on the issues that rose. but I firmly and entirely deny that there was a situation that tested me, and took me from you. because I know with all my heart what I yearn for is you. but time went on and things that I couldn’t explain to you were just coming up at a high speed. I love you. my heart beats heavily for you. and im always scared now that I am losing you. I’m scared when I’m talked to in a manner that isn’t us, when I’m spoken to like im on the other side.
I’m alone now and I cant find you. someone has covered my eyes and ears and they’ve taken any senses that I could use to find you again, im walking blindly and im falling apart as fast as the tears are falling from my cheeks, falling from my eyes. and I’m losing that security, and for absolutely nothing because you should be holding me together, not walking away as I fall apart. youre suppose to be the one person that doesn’t hurt me. im still here.. but where have you gone? why are you letting this happen to me, to us? all ive done is have your back right back. I thought was enough….