I’m feeling like I’m not good enough. Thanks insecurities.
I’m feeling like I’m not good enough. Thanks insecurities.
do you hate me
tell me the truth
because i do
i hate myself
i ponder over my actions
hating myself more and more
so i shall ask
do you hate me
MY DUMBASS FINALLY GOT BACK DOWN TO 65 THEN I JUST WENT AND ATE A LOAF OF BREAD A PACKET OF TIM TAMS TTEOKBOKKI A BAG OF CHIPS IM SO ANGRY IM SO PISSED I WAS DOING SO WELL FUCK WHY COULDNT I HAVE JUST GONE TO SLEEP
I am so pissed and scared about getting on the scale tomorrow.
I feel so bloated but it’s like 2am and I still have to wash the dishes and my muscles are sore from working out over the week but I just consumed maybe 2500calories and that’s a lot for me.
Tim tams: 382kj x9 (~850cal)
Sunflower seeds: 182cal ×3 (~400cal)
Sourdough w avocado: 1000cal (ish idk it doesn’t say)
Eggplant curry, yoghurt, salad: maybe 600cal?
Fucking shit probably more than 3150 calories total
I feel like shit and I’m really struggling with
A) not getting off the couch to do something about it
And b) trying to convince myself that not eating tomorrow is a bad idea I really want to just not eat tomorrow fuck
Bullying, Self hatred, Boy stereotype (s), Anxiety
(Please talk to someone if you are being bullied or you are having self hatred. Its not okay to bottle up your feelings. Also, please know, that you don’t have to live up to any stereotypes. You are you. That’s never going to change. ❤️)
So depression, anxiety, and not caring about myself has created a lot of problems, but it takes the Cake when you’re in a Corona apocalypse. I’ve neglected my teeth for many years. The last time I went to the dentist was probably 4ish years ago. I know I’m the only one to blame for my health. I know that it’s my responsibility. I just am super embarrassed about my teeth. I go in to fix them, get lectured for how bad they are, get a bunch of painful things happening, and going home only to neglect them again and start all over. Depression causes me to not care about my health. Then there’s anxiety. Today I felt stinging in my gums and realizing my gums have sunk down. I never realized it got that bad. I know it’s confusing and disgusting. I am disgusted in myself. I’m not even 27 and I’m Killing myself because I refuse to take care of myself. I hate feeling judged and looked at and touched. I hate what I am doing to myself. I’m a waste of space and I hate looking at myself.
She’s jealous of me for reasons that she isn’t even aware of yet. She can’t see the things that I do because i have strongggg senses!! She projects WAY more than she believes. You’ve got to be able to handle your sexuality simply within ur ownself, be available for ur own self for someone to feel relaxed or happy about having intercourse with you. If you’re not ready for it. Then u just aren’t?? It helps to face truths rather than torture yourself on made up beliefs. Not being who you thought u probably were isn’t the worst thing in the world…. we all have to have constant ego deaths.
She knows herself way less than i know me in a way. To where all she does is mimic other ppl she has no brain or desire of her own.
I’m open to being proven wrong!!!!!
But I’m usually NOTTT because. I have amazing telepathic deja vu, insanely accurate cryptic perceptions about things most almost cannot begin to see.
Help can only be given to they who are open and willing.
I don’t go where my help isn’t welcomed or explored.
Quarantine Day ???
So here we are, can I just say Tumblr hits different on a computer?
Anyways. This always happens. In my head, I think about what I want my posts to say and then I sit down and finally get around to it and writer’s block.
Guess we can start with my intentions for this new-SEPARATE-blog. Although I adore my original blog and its domain name and literally EVERYTHING about it, I crave some privacy. I have had that account forever, I’ve never changed it. This means any one can be checking up on me and I’m not into that. Not just yet anyways. (Admittedly, I could change the username but I love it to much so this will do.) I guess what I’m looking for is really freedom, freedom to say whatever, whenever without anyone watching. Currently, I am in a place where I have trouble vocalizing my thoughts. I honestly think its the direct result of political correctness. Say or do the wrong thing and you’re doomed. No space for errors, raw thoughts, building your ideas, morals etc. Just writing this feels freeing.
Lately, I struggle to function creatively. I used to act, watch millions of independent/arthouse films, scrapbook, take pictures without caring if they were “good”. I used to journal. I think in the past few years, I’ve only journaled twice and woke up the next day only to feel guilty and delete everything. Now these things overwhelm me. Adding them to my never ending to-do list feels like another job, but I also feel the ramifications of not expressing myself creatively. I’ve tried to pick up hobbies here and there with little success, to the extent where my boyfriend has noticed and wonders if I have commitment issues. My newest endeavor is polymer clay. I went on a polymer clay rampage, bought too many materials and decided I’d start making polymer clay earrings. I received the clay today and realized it is harder than I anticipated. Everyone made it seem so easy online! I am trying not to give up as easily as I usually do. I sat for an hour today trying to figure out how to work with it. I will try again tomorrow, plus I found a better work space.
Another hobby I am trying is photography. And this is where I realized where my real issue is. I feel incredibly insecure when I am not naturally good at something. I struggle with the techniques, my style and just my vision. I feel silly lugging around a camera I hardly know how to use. Also, since I am not automatically good, I am even unmotivated in my PHOTOGRAPHY CLASS, which is where I should be LEARNING. As you could probably tell, I am very hard on myself. I have been trying to work on this my entire life *sigh*. The photo above is the one I am the most proud of. That’s Maui, my boyfriend’s cat, with Mochi (other cat) facing away. My boyfriend is very supportive of everything I do or take on. He was the one who encouraged I shoot yesterday. Warms my heart just thinking about it. But, I hope to improve my technique and style and share those photos here.
Finally, the real reason for this blog… I intend to use this as practice to create a podcast. We’ll call it my original intent, because we know we all make plans and God laughs. I’ve longed to start a podcast for quite some time. As you might’ve guessed, I’m overthinking the entire concept. I don’t know what to name it, what I should speak about, what I’m even comfortable sharing even. Here’s the thing, I’m entirely too insecure to function as a normal human being. So although my original intent for this blog is to ultimately create a podcast, I also want to use it to build character and confidence. I recently heard someone say that what stands in our way isn’t who we are, its who we think we’re not. Its so true. I don’t think I’m funny enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, nice enough, good enough, kind enough. I could go on and on. But what if I am? And so what if I’m not? Our time is limited. When this is over and I look back, all I’ll be able to look back at is at the life I lived inside of my head, wrapped and warped in my endless insecurities. So thats where we’ll begin and we’ll see where it takes us. Hopefully practice also makes a better person with more self love.
I know I’m not what you want me to be
I don’t know who I want myself to be
I don’t want to be somebody,
I just want somebody to remember me
When I can’t be myself anymore
But when I wasn’t myself to begin with,
Who will remember me??
body confidence?? what???? what is that??? a sauce????
April 1st 2020
Please I need someone to explain this to me. I’ve been almost two weeks talking to a girl on tinder. She was too perfect to be true, she liked the same things as me, very ingenious and intelligent, she was a very sporty person…. she even expressed she had particular intentions with me several times, at least once a day… two damn weeks talking to this person and she suddenly unmatches. What the hell?? With no reason whatsoever? Like yesterday we were talking like if something was gonna happen and suddenly this? How is people so oblivious of the hurt they cause to others? Especially to an insecure, depressed and suicidal person like me. Doesn’t she see how dangerous this is? I’m so confused and sad I don’t even know what to say. See? These things then GIVE YOU A LOT OF FUCKING CONFIDENCE TO TALK TO OTHER PEOPLE. I feel hugely betrayed.
now i know this post will likely go unseen but if there is one thing i feel strongly about, it’s how other people affect each other’s mental health. Namely, parents.
i’m going to use my mum to explain this and don’t get me wrong, i adore my mum more than anything in the world, but parents don’t seem to understand the impacts they have on their children’s mental health, and how severely it can impact their self esteem.
i struggle with my weight, it’s one of my biggest insecurities and it has been for years, and as much as adults love to blame social media and peer pressure for giving us these insecurities, my mum is the primary reason for my weight struggle and why it’s affected me so much since i was 11 years old. For years she’s told me about how skinny she was at my age, how she could hold her waist in her the distance between her two hands, and how everyone said she was gorgeous. For years she has told me that I shouldn’t be eating so much, that I don’t exercise enough (mind you she told me this when i was playing basketball 6 days a week) and that my “hunger” was just because i wanted to eat - like it was some sort of habit of mine to eat food. this is some of the more extreme stuff that added to my weight problem, but the other things that hurt, if not more, were the little comments she would make that I knew were directed at how big I was. it was things like “oh don’t you think so and so has lost a lot of weight?” “oh she could be a model with a gorgeous figure like that” “i heard about this no-carb diet” and it hurt it hurt when she said them - when she says them now and it makes me hate my body, it makes me hate the fat that clings to it and it makes me go into episodes where i struggle between what i’ve been taught about eating disorders and what my mum tells me, because the last thing i want is to end up on one of those hospital beds because it all went too far, but the main thing in the world i want is to be skinny and gorgeous and valued. so, parents, please please please be careful of what you say around your kids, of how your opinions of them are affecting them because we aren’t perfect - not be a long shot, and the last thing we need after coming home from the gossip and lie-filled halls of high school, is our own parents making us feel bad about ourselves.
I know this sounds like it should be common sense to some people, but when it’s in front of your own eyes it’s harder to recognize.
So friendly reminder:
If your partner asks you about your fears and insecurities, and then jokes about or exploits them later, the relationship is not healthy.
If your partner does not listen if you need to take things slow, the relationship is not healthy.
If your partner forces unrealistic expectations on you, even if they seem well-intentioned, the relationship is not healthy.
If your partner is manipulative and tries to guilt you into anything, the relationship is not healthy.
If your partner expects you to devote all of your time and energy to them and drop everything for them, it is not a healthy relationship.
Just because it isn’t right for you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a bad person. But if it isn’t right for you, it is your responsibility to end the relationship. You deserve someone who builds you up and gives you energy, not someone who drains it.
Even if you don’t stay long
Even if you don’t hug me
Even if you don’t speak to me
Just the sound of your voice
Just the sight of your smile
Just the short reassurance
As long as it’s you, it’ll save me
i’ve been home
i’ve been away
trying to find a reason to stay
but i’m starting to realize
that contentedness isn’t a place on a map
but i’d much rather
be someone else
than try to be happy here
Do you fold your insecurities hamburger or hotdog style when you’re repressing them?
no matter how much i tell myself that i don’t need others’ validation to make me see my worth, it just becomes impossible the more i try to convince myself.
why do i need a weighted blanket when the weight of my insecurities is already so heavy?
Tim & Dick & Jason, Magic AU, They all have powers, brotherly Bonding, Humour, Injury, Insecurity, Big brother’s Dick and Jason, Tim over thinks too much.
Summary: They’re family and they’re all supposed to look out for one another. It’s kind of hard to remember that when all his brothers want to do is kill each other, however when the situation calls for it, they can in fact work together and be a family. It’s just unfortunate that one of them gets injured in order for that to happen.
A/N: This is done for ‘AU: Magic’ on my Batfam bingo card.
The scream gets Bruce’s attention, causing to look up from the newspaper he was currently reading. He pauses, listening out for more shouts and waits to decide on whether he needs to go and interfere with whatever is going on. He takes a sip of his coffee, ready to go back to the paper
“Stop it asshole!”
He puts the coffee down and sighs. He takes a deep breath and lets it before calling out, “Jason, don’t set your brother on fire!”
Bruce knows exactly what’s happened without even needing to be in the room witnessing it. He knows because he knows his kids.
Every single day I feel more and more trapped in my own mind. Swinging between numbness, anger, and extreme sadness, I just feel like ending it all. But I know I can’t, I refuse to give in. I don’t know why I am like this. I’m so tired of this constant emotional turmoil I can never get a break from.
I feel like I’m constantly being a burden to the people around me. Many say I’m not, but I can see it. The little ways they change their tone to me, to the new in frequencies of their messages. I’m becoming more and more minuscule to the people I give so much love to. I’ll never be enough, and it’s so painful to watch. I don’t know how much worth I have left.