I’ve generally accepted that I will never be able to look back on high school like most people do and I can only blame the world’s RNG while acknowledging that many of the things I like about myself may have never come to pass without the same rolls that made me unable to be a “normal” high school student, but sometimes when the topic of high school memories comes up I feel this strange longing.
0In nature, there is no such thing as crime nor unwantedness. Human inventions, bred on group submission. All our complicity, born of fear; all our fear fended off with hate and blame. A duet only the human imagined self can perform, dancing so well in an endless mirror.
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I was about 3 years old in this picture but, I remember this Easter Sunday. I remember that yellow and white checker dress that I loved. I remember that pink rabbit and how sleepy I was outside taking that picture with the sun in my face and the flash of the camera. I remember the other picture I took squatting down with my dress draped over me and the rabbit sitting in front. My eyes were closed in that picture. I literally looked sleep. I think I went to sleep in my slip after the photo session. My older sisters took the pics while my mother watched. My younger sister had the same dress but a different rabbit. Her stuffed rabbit was yellow. I liked mine better because he was pink. LOL! My dad was probably in the house watching westerns or reading the paper. We took pictures with our Easter baskets that day too. Somewhere in this ramble, there’s a point.
0he was showing off I guess and lifting his weights while I was over
“how heavy is that?”
“I don’t know, like 50 pounds?”
“can I try to lift it?”
“ya. sure”love that he didn’t go, are you sure you can? or worse, try to tell me I couldn’t
I did it once okay, second time was hard, it wouldn’t stay above my head and it kinda hit my head a little on the way down and I staggered lmao but I’m fine, i regained my balance and I put it down gently,
not quite within my capabilities lmao but hey, close!! esp for how small i am?
also, loving that he’s working out again. very aries but glad hes so healthy
i am too, i have been too! working out and eating, look at us look at us!!
0Not sure why I’m feeling so anxious right now. Seems like my heart is beating so fast but, it’s really not. Thinking about picking up my journal and just writing down anything that comes to mind. Like I do on here. 😂😂😂🤦🏽♀️. I’ll wake up tomorrow and read it and start looking for a match. I forget I have a fireplace. Maybe I should go ahead and burn those old feelings that I hate to revisit. Why haven’t I? Why do I hold on to them? I don’t think about them again until the next time I pick up that small book of poetry I wrote at the most vulnerable times in my life. I’d probably really freak out if I picked up my old journal. That thing carried me through the deaths of my mother and sister and my whole undergrad career. Whew chile!
0⚠️ huge trigger warning ⚠️ Both diaries I bought are very personal and I found them to be kinda disturbing. Please don’t read further if you have any triggers. For this specific post, I’d like to give a trigger warning for what I think may be an abusive relationship or marriage. And also a lot of descriptions of fights and mentions of sex.
My friend actually found this one while we were at goodwill and he told me I should buy it so I could read it and tell him what it said.
Here’s the cover!
Reading this actually scared the shit out of me tbh. There’s two more photos of this journal, I’ll post them soon.
Post 2/3
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i’m sorry i haven’t been on here lately. life’s been interesting and of course animal crossing has been my relief from all of that. i will get back to posting regularly. i hope everyone had a nice day/evening wherever they are reading this.
2I let you in…then I pushed you out. I kicked you when you were down and I thought you would still be around…
13/29/20
Holy shit man. N and I just got to a bus stop downtown Seattle cause we were about to catch a bus back for the night and N realized that she dropped her favorite beanie that she’s had for like over 2 years. She double checked her bag and said she couldn’t find it and I said that we could retrace our steps back up from downtown to the middle/bottom of Captiol Hill. She kept saying it’s fine and that it’s no big deal. I look at the bus schedule at the bus stop and I’m like “Ok, it’s 8:55 PM, the bus doesn’t come until 9:17 PM, we have 20 something minutes to kill, I think we can make it!” My stubborn ass goes running through the heart of downtown Westlake, past the Convention Center, up the hill to the bottom of Capitol Hill past the food bank, until I reach a crosswalk in the middle of the road by a church on Capitol Hill and I see her beanie laying on the ground, soaked from the rain. I pick it up and run back down the hill, waving N’s beanie in the air to show her I found it since she was way behind me trying to stay dry under her umbrella. I don’t know if she was more surprised that I found it or that I ran my ass all the way back up the hill in a matter of minutes. We then had 5 minutes to make it back to our bus stop to catch our bus in time, otherwise we would have had to sit in the rain for a whole hour since it’s Sunday schedule today. Thankfully we made it back to our bus in time and here I am sitting on the bus huffing and puffing, drenched in sweat and in desperate need of a shower. Like oh my god man I am definitely no athlete. 😂
6Hey so I’ve been pretty inactive since returning home and I feel terrible. I was able to practice the craft for the first few days I was home but after that everything just stopped.
I still pray to Diana every evening and Aphrodite when I wake up but I don’t feel like I’m doing the best I could.
This happens when I’m home and I spend a lot of time inside. I just can’t bring myself to do anything and I don’t know what it is. My only guess is that instead of being in my dorm room, I’m in a house with 3 other people. I have to deal with their energies as well and I feel like I can never really do what I want for fear of upsetting them as well.
I just don’t have any motivation. I’m starting to resent witchcraft again and I don’t want to but I feel as if I owe the craft something and I’m not doing it. I don’t want to feel this way. I feel like a terrible witch. I feel like I shouldn’t be helping others through witchcraft when I can’t make myself do it.
I still want to continue my path but it’s been hard for me to do anything recently. I got out of bed twice today. I’m exhausted from doing nothing.
I know I should take a walk and reconnect with nature but it’s just so much easier to stay inside and play Stardew Valley. I haven’t been talking to my friends much either. I’ve forced myself to at least once a day but there’s always a part of me who just doesn’t want to speak at all. It’s bad for me, being by myself is bad for me.
I’m going to try soon, I don’t know when though.
Right now is very scary and hard for people who are mentally ill. Being in this position is very hard for me. One of my main coping strategies is to go outside and do something and connect with others. I can’t do that and it’s difficult.
I’ve realized this kind of became not related to witchcraft but I find that’s the part that makes me feel the worst in all of this. I was doing SO well and I’ve fallen so fast and I’ve fallen back into the position I was in before I left for school.
Everything is hard right now but it will get better. At least I hope it will.
Stay safe everyone.
Blessed be.
-Emily
2Lately, if I spend too much time with electronics, I get like… headaches?? Kind of, but not really. I can feel my brain muddled up by the stimulation; it takes me a little while to purge it of the energy and return back to normal. Last night, I played some games with some old friends back home. It was fun, but it was too much, and I had a huge headache and couldn’t fall asleep. I tuned into my energy body to see what I could do, and found that my liver was irritated. I took out some of the energy, and I felt immediately better! But it still took me a little bit of time to come back to normal.
But it made me realize something. In all of my time and practice with energy work and healing… I’ve never practiced pulling energy! I’ve always done pushing/sending energy, and receiving energy, but never pulling/sucking energy. I guess it just never occurred to me. I’m going to really practice it, so that I can improve.
In other news, I went to the forest again today. I spent like a good two hours there. It was a bit muddy, but it was beautiful! Also, there were a lot of people there, surprisingly, but I didn’t really mind.
I worked with The Green Man for a while. I asked him about potentially making some kind of like totem or object that I could store forest energy in and recharge when I needed to, and he was definitely down with the idea. He actually gave me a design of what to make. It’s an interesting design; it has a very specific shape, with holes in it in a pattern. Then, as I was walking back, on the path I found a stick that is the exact size and shape that I needed! Very cool.
Then I spent some time with Prince. Naturally, he pulled me into his Court again. Every time that I go, it appears different. This time, it was kind of like in a tropical forest with a large waterfall, and many different pools of water. I interacted with a couple different High Fae; one was a little bit more positive, and the other talked to Prince about me without ever addressing me or looking at me; they were very condescending and did not speak well of me.
On Earth, we kind of see everything from an anthropomorphic point of view; we are the center of the world, and the best species on the planet; everything else is inferior. Even if we don’t say this outright, that is the POV that everything is delivered, and every action that our society takes is from this frame of reference.
But the more I explore the spirit realm, with the spirits of the world around us, and with different species of spirits, the more I find that that is definitely not true. Even though some of my interactions aren’t pleasant, in a way, it is refreshing to see a different side of things that I wouldn’t normally get to experience. Humans aren’t the dominant species, and actually are frequently looked down upon. It makes you realize that the Universe doesn’t work for you; rather, you are a part of the Universe, and treating it any other way is just fighting against the current.
Also… last night, when I couldn’t sleep, I decided to give chamomile tea another try, even though I know that it gives me crazy dreams. That was a mistake, lol. My dreams were WILD last night. Like… my brain is almost hyper, and my dreams are going fast-paced, and the most random, bizarre string of events keep happening. I woke up and my brain felt weird, too. I don’t think I’ll be doing that again.
Welp… I think that’s it for now. I’m going to turn in early tonight. I hope that everyone has a wonderful evening.
Blessings!
1i never thought i’d be so melancholy and void of attention that i download mystic messenger again but here we are
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