#journaling Tumblr posts

the whole
of me
is history
because of you

i loved
harder than
you went
on drugs

but i guess
that is not
really true
you are gone
because of them

yet here i sit
smoking weed
going to your
court hearing tomorrow

i guess maybe
that rational part
of myself, the logic, 
is not here anymore

or another part
and you probably think
you, the reader, 
that i am just
a sad girlfriend of two months

but i am
a friendship soulmate
the right half
of a heart BFF necklace

i am the only half
left here now
what am i supposed to do
when there’s no you? 

February 11, 2020

25/02/2020

Today:

-html+CSS spend 6h practice (still can’t finish my site)

-took care of my nails

-journaling

-bullet journal prep for march

also i just saw somebody rocking a net veil over a beret and truly had a moment of ‘irl halo???’ like, honestly the perk of taking this long to graduate is getting to still have my finger on the pulse of inventive fashun

Countdown for Animal Crossing New Horizons!!

happy birthday queen

I have made the most exquisite raspberry & lemon black tea! I just saw the box of raspberries sitting in the fridge and thought I’d try it. It has such a rich color too!

Meet the artist thingy thing!

Star gazer flower! Prompted from a Facebook friend!

Comment with a prompt for me to do next!

the boat
that carries my heart
sinks in 
the ocean of my blood. 

my head empties
into the garbage
all the happy thoughts
and good feelings. 

my mouth
which could smile
now weighs 
a thousand pounds. 

my direction
my plan
becomes nothing
except survival. 

and sometimes
not even that. 

January 22, 2020

Yesterday I cried so much… to the point where I felt numb to everything and everyone… when people passed by me I felt different while observing them… I can’t quite put it in words… it was like everyone was going on with their lives and I was stuck in another time, not knowing what to do nor what to feel.

I finally got around to doing a spread for my lil herb garden! I included a few recipes for when they’re ready!

a random mood board for quotes that i to deeply relate to.

This page is looking a bit more colourful this morning, now that I’ve coloured its backside 🌈

“You know, when you are feeling sad, sunsets are wonderful”.

Original artwork.

2/25/2020

I was right not to be too happy about his arrest because when I woke up in the morning and checked the arrest reports I saw that he had been released, yet again, on bail, yet again, five hours after he was arrested. Last night I thought I heard his motorcycle all around and I probably did. He’s no longer wanted, he receivers no consequences no matter what he does, so now he’s out and about again, with no need to hide or regulate himself. I’m back feeling unsafe. But obviously that doesn’t matter at all. As you can imagine I woke up in a very bad mood. Shit I went to bed in a bad mood.

I tried to stay awake till Avondre got home but I was super tired. He messaged around 1030 if I made dinner and I said yes and went down and warmed it all up cause I thought he was on his way. But by 1130 he wasn’t so I laid down and went to sleep. But shortly he’s knocking on the door cause somebody put the chain on. I’m mad and in pain. I go back to bed. But he’s not tired at all he’s ready to drink and play video games and such. Bad news for him they shut the internet down as I didn’t pay. He goes out to smoke sometime and locks himself out so I have to wake up again. I went to bed with lights bright on and Him on video games. Not gonna work long term for me.

I woke up with the bad news of being again in danger and went to the hallway to see that somebody left the closet door open and the dogs mat to pee was all bunched up so he peed all over the floor but in addition there is water EVERYWHERE. And low and behold even though only four of us were here NOBODY has any idea how it happened or even what happened. So you best bet I’m pissed off about that. It was either my son or possibly avondre. I have no idea what the fuck he did last night.

So I’m pissed. So pissed. So over life I just want to run away again.

Today is my long day as I got grandma to daycare already, I have counseling next and then cleaning. And getting my daughter at my parents so I won’t be home till like 7 and surely I’ll have a kitchen fully mess to clean, dinner to cook (wait i gotta actually buy food to cook too) and then of course bathe. Once I’m finally settled and for bed it will be time for Avondre to come home and make hella noise and the whole thing starts again.

Like if this is life fuck all this bull shit.

night sky 🌃

(16:17) 24/02/2020

i feel dumb, for doubting my friends and how much they care about me.

i don’t deserve their friendship, somehow, they have they own problems. yess they don’t talk me about it but it’s not like i’m a big source of reassurance and advice, i’m very emotionally dumb/constipated i never know what to say. but i care, i really do, and many times i feel stupid for not knowing how to help them.

the thing is, i let my own insecurities and sadness to consume my mind, i need to stop, but i’m so self absorbed it annoys me

i just hope that everything turns out well for them, i cherish them, even if i feel our bound is kinda …