2 Olympic Medals (2S)
4 Commonwealth Medals (1G, 2S, 1B)
1 British Record
First Welsh Female swimmer since 1974 to win a Commonwealth Title
“I just want to be the best I can be so that I have no regrets when I’m older. I can say that I gave it the best shot that I could.”
Still day one I’m just struggling to find motivation to go to sleep. Which I know sounds funny because that should be something so easy especially in the mind set I’m in but it’s hard. I’ve found myself recently hearing sounds that are so real to me and it’s just the sounds my phone would make. I get so excited when I hear them but instantly get disappointed when I see it was just a very realistic dream. I use to long for those sounds because it meant what I thought was love, friendship, or I’m not even really sure anymore what it actually was. I just know at it’s best it gave me that comfort that a childhood blanket or stuffed animal gives you. There were times I hated how often it notified me and struggled with that but now and especially toward the end I found that I missed that comfort.
Well it’s day one and it’s been absolute hell!!
I honestly wish I could say it was day one quarantine from the coronavirus but sadly I can’t. It’s the first day of being awake, truly awake to what’s been going on in my life.
Some where along the line I lost sight of who I really was and allowed myself to get caught up in this romantic narrative I set for myself. I believed like most people since the first love story ever written that I was in my own story. This was it the stars and planets had aligned and god had finally answered my prayers and freed me from my isolation. I would be alone no longer and would live happily ever after. Ik what you’re thinking.. and yes I’m hella crazy. Stories like that just dont happen in the real world. If they do it’s some kind of fluke or I wanna see their charts because the stars and shit definitely didn’t align. This isn’t a story or jourbal about what happened, what could’ve been, or what did I do. No this is a story or if you wanna call it a journal about how you heal, find redemption in yourself, and move on.
This is in no way formal! I’m writing this wherever the mood finds me although it will be everyday. I have to make and keep routines for myself. I get sidetracked easily so you’ll probably see this from time to time. So back to the point who knows when and where I’ll write. Currently I’m writing in the shower because its helping ease my mind and soothe my heart. Take that sadness and depression!! I can ensure you that there will be times I write on the toilet but trust me I wash my hands so no need to worry. This is a long and earlier I would’ve said lonely journey but I’ve realized that I’ve met some amazing people in my life. They’re with me right now!! Not in the shower you perves but in my heart. You’ll hear more about my amazing friends throughout my journey. Tonight tho its Cameron and Maile and they are the best people ik and have supported me through my dumbest moments. Now I’m crying but not because I’m sad but because as I type these words the feelings that over whelm me are of support, compassion, and love. I’m truly blessed to have them in my life.
Montréal - Québec - Canada (2018)
after years of being torn apart by the littlest things, after years of being obsessed with different things and feeling lost all the time, after years of trying to find myself in others / things, after years of having overwhelming thoughts and feelings, i’ve discovered i’ve got BPD. and i’m fucking glad i can finally settle down and break it down to get better. and i want to help others. i want to talk about that with others. because i’ve been fighting this ALONE. and that led to many wrong and dangerous decisions. i don’t want that for others. so PLEASE. if you have BPD (undiagnosed or not) (be it quiet bpd like me or any other type of personality troubles) please reach out to me. i want to make a BPD management groupchat but i’m not sure whether people will get to read this. i really wanna feel better and help others too. we can overcome this. we can manage this shit. we can become our truest self. we just need commitment!
i’m no psychologist, but i’ve binge watching psychologists’ videos of BPD and i’ve started watching BPD management videos. but doing this all alone (cus of course my family doesn’t know i’ve got BPD) can be discouraging. hence why i wanna share this journey with others. if you’re interested, message me. if this catches many people’s attention, i’ll create the groupchat. PLEASE KNOW THIS DOESN’T PREVENT YOU FROM SEEKING PROFESSIONAL HELP (personally speaking i can’t seek professional help and i’m guessing many others can’t too, which is another reason why i’m doing this).
for years i’ve felt like no one’s got my back. but now i’ve got my own back. and we can support each other.
PLEASE SHARE THIS!! and thank you for reading. i know this won’t get any attention, but at least, i’ve tried. and i will continue. i’ll find people who are willing to get better. and we’ll get better, together.
I’ve gotten out of the rut like stage somewhat, so yay! I’ve invested in a new hobby while we stay quarantine which is making videos :D
I would link it but this is meant to be as anonymous as possible so I guess I won’t
But I’ve invested in a bullet journal to keep all my stuff in check and it’s been helping tremendously! I’ve just been trying to take it day by day while all this happens.
I hope everyone can keep safe and remember to practice social distancing! It’s important for not only you, but everyone else around you.
Hope it all goes okay <3
12.29.19 / 12:20
29th March 2020
Hello everyone! I know I haven’t been posting for a while but this year has been crazy, even before Covid-19. I participated in 4 different moot court competitions and had to deal with 10 different lectures. But as you can guess and as most of you are I am under quarentine right now. This means I am no longer in Istanbul but at my hometown, in my parents’ house. Unfortunately most of my things, including my passport, are in my dorm in Istanbul which gives me anxiety because travel between cities is banned right now. And god only know when will I be able to go and get them.
But, during this time at home I decided to do a productivity challange. I am not going to put a time limit on it but I will try to be productive every single day. There is a possibility my internships will be cancelled this summer therefore I have to strengthen my CV as much as I can from home. This means a lot of online classes, MOOCs and anything I can do.
If you guys are in the same situation or just bored or anxious just let me know. We gan get through this horrible times together.
And remember stay at home, stay healthy and try not to let negative thoughts and anxiety win!
Truly on a spritual journey to awakening.
Are we not all sacred to wonder all the time why me?
If humankind would understand that each of us is just on a journey through the physical 3D and our aim is to complete the soul mission, clear our karma, experience what is needed in order to evaluate to the 5D and our soul is able to leave the host (the body) and move to the so unknown for us and mostly reincarnated in another host and start the journey from the beginning. Humans who experienced a so-called - close death experience - see a light on the end of the “tunnel”, what if this bright light, is the light of the hospital room? Where directly the soul left and reached the new host. Nothing is by coincidence not even the choices of our soul.
So when you ask yourself - why me?
It would be something more powerful, to be thankful and say I’m blessed because I’m pure bliss. There is nothing like negative experiences because everything negative has something positive to it. The sun dies every day to let the moon breathe, so do we need to have negative experiences to let the positive ones live strong in our journey. Interconnected, simple and so scary for our manipulated mind, while our mind is our soul and our soul is the energy which rules this conscious life and the only language we truly know is energy.
So instead of asking ourselves why me? We could be more aware of karma, of that’s why it is me. The point is to choose the right reaction to the action in order to understand, the why me question.
Why our soul is manipulated if we as the host are guided by our soul?
As we are too busy to hear the screams of our soul to wake up, we live blindly. Might we have two eyes to see but as long the third one is closed nothing is seen.
I think the most important thing that happened yesterday was when my classmate in university texted me and started complaining to me about being stuck with his aunt and wanting to die because it’s horrible.
I tried to focus on making him feel understood instead of solve his problem although I suggested many options that are available to him because it seemed like that’s what he wanted.
I found it so weird listening to a guy complain and ask me for help. I rarely had close guy friends, they were all girls. The boys I knew wouldn’t be so open with me. I don’t know it’s just been so long since I allowed any guy to be in my life even if just as a friend.
He went on to tell me how one of our mutual friends was pushing him away and being cold. I offered him emotional support by telling him it wasn’t his fault and that he tried everything to make it better, now it’s time to take care of himself and his joy instead.
He told me he’ll try to do the things I said and thanked me for listening to him. He’s actually insecure in a way about not being good and not doing the right things. It’s the first time i witness that in a guy. No it’s not like I thought men aren’t capable of emotions but it felt too natural of him to express those things to me and then he asked me for help and I was the strong one while he was struggling and it scared me to allow that to happen. To allow myself to get close and understand his emotions and be a friend to him. I never considered mens emotions because, well I always kept my distance. I know it comes from my trauma and what my parents have made me believe men are but I have grown enough to know that men aren’t just that. Men are just as great and loving as any woman I have loved and accepted in my life. We are all capable of causing each other pain, it has nothing to do with gender. I’m not talking about equality, I’m saying that men aren’t monsters. They are a whole package of good and bad, just like us women.
I want to feel safe with a guy just like I feel safe with a girl. I can’t project my trauma on every guy I meet. How will I ever rest and be free? It starts within me, my own thoughts and expectations. This too, shall heal.
Montréal - Québec - Canada (2018)
My first try
Markers & paint pens on paper
Auction ends 3rd April
Collaboration with Debora Brogden
I want to connect with you guys through DM and right here, because I’m finally in a place where I can again. So hey, how are you?
First things first, how is everyone spending their Quarantine time? Please tell me in the comments, I’m genuinely curious. Are you with your family, partners, your parents, or your kids. How do you get out in the sun? Do you have big backyards, animals or pets of any kind? Tell me about yourselves, it gets boring when my blog is dedicated to me sometimes.
As for me, I’m currently sitting here having dinner with my daughter Evangeline-Rose (3 yrs). While my friend Minda (26) and her brother Gopz (24) and their parents all talk in Punjabi while they make their tea.
We have this beautiful street of gorgeous houses here, I’ve been staying with them about three weeks now. Our backyard has a big German shephard, he brings me a lot of smiles when I kick the soccer ball with him. He’s huge and jumps up on me, towering me almost. I’m 175cms (5 feet for those of you misfortunate to be American I kid, I kid).
We also have a big veggie/fruit patch out back, after another nurse I know on Instagram said not to put my child in daycare here as Corona Virus is going to get worse…and she’s making a veggie patch…I’m thinking of going to the hardware store and give gardening all. After all, we could all be quarantined for the next 6-12m, this is the time to start doing things like this if not just to pass the time, to plan for the worst outcome.
Every evening the neighbourhood gets out and walks their dogs and take their children to the parks. There’s a lot of Indians, Italians, Australians walking about and from a safe distance we chat and say hello.
Sometimes I can’t believe this is my life, I’ve survived a lot and for the first time in 27 years I just feel good. I can’t describe it yet because it feels surreal…I’m actually safe…there’s no anxiety every single day about how my ex is going to come home and ruin my life. I’m vigilant than he’s still out there and could be getting worse by the day…but I have every available form of help from the country…I’ve got this dog that will tear him to shreds if he turns up at our door step. My friends dad was in the revolution and between his PTSD and mine…this is the safest place I can be right now.
You guys…I’m honestly happy and it feels permanent. Because it’s coming from within me. It started with beautiful people here in Australia and you guys and a man all preparing me for this next part of my life. I just never saw myself being in this place, let alone as a parent now. Everyone adores my child and I can’t believe she’s safe and I’m safe. I hope that never changes.
Talk to me here tonight or if it’s morning for you, let me know how you’re going.
Just another day passing by🕊🌅